Along the way to the graves, Jinyoung led Mark. The former was holding two flower bouquets, which he had bought on the way.
They walked side by side, scarcely any words said between them. There was no one else aside from themselves, around the place and the sun was shining only faintly.
"How often do you come here?" asked Mark.
"It isn't regular. I come here when I feel like to. Last time I was here, it was about a month ago."
"Can I know what happened to your parents?" Mark asked, totally curious.
"They are dead."
"That's obvious, I know. How did they?"
"Well, you might not know that my parents were much older than most parents of those of my age. My mother died of heart disease and it was not long before my father followed her. Of leukemia," Jinyoung said.
"I'm sorry."
They continued walking till Jinyoung stopped at one spot where there were a number of graves around. He stood right beside a grave and placed a bouquet on it before brushing the dry leaves off it. Then he moved to another grave, which was next to the previous one, and did the same.
Mark stood watching him, from a few feet afar. Jinyoung was now still at the foot of both graves, his eyes closing and his hands interlaced together at the front.
Mark could not take his eyes off Jinyoung's tranquil figure. His heart ached, yearning for Jinyoung. He wanted this man before his eyes and possess everything of him. It hurt him to be reminded again that Jinyoung was someone else's and would never be his.
After a few minutes, Jinyoung moved and bowed down before the graves. Then he slowly turned away from them, to Mark.
"Finished?"
Jinyoung nodded and they started to set off to get out of there.
"Do you feel better now?"
"Feeling better? No. Feel a little more secured, but how could I feel better when I miss them so much? I'd rather have them still alive and support them, with my own earning, which I could not do and will never be able to."
Mark could sympathise with Jinyoung. But then his heart was aching as much as Jinyoung's did, except that it was for different reasons.
They were walking further and further from the graves of Jinyoung's parents.
Silence fell and the more it grew quiet, the more unsteady Mark became. At that moment, he wanted to forget his head which was constantly reminding him of the things he should not do.
At one point, he took hold of Jinyoung's hand, and stopped him on the spot.
Jinyoung looked at Mark's hand and then at Mark's face, in confusion. Mark turned Jinyoung around so that they were face to face; and tilted his chin a little upward.
No words came out of them but staring into each other's eyes, they seemed to understand one another without any specific words between them.
His hand brushing Jinyoung's bangs aside, genlty, Mark smiled; but Jinyoung could feel so much hurt in it.
More than certain, Jinyoung knew he was falling for Mark, who had once been his bully and he had hated so much. But now he was falling for this same person; and he was not ready to accept it yet. Tears welled up in his eyes for no particular reason, but he blinked them away immediately.
"Jinyoung," Mark started, "I know I should do nothing like that to you. You're already taken, I know."
Jinyoung's eyebrows rose and now he felt the need to tell the truth. How long was Mark going to misunderstand him and Jackson like that if Jinyoung did not correct him now?
"I told you, you were wrong, didn't I? You didn't ask me further. I actually meant to say that Jackson and I are not in any term, except being friends. I have no idea why you've assumed so in the first place."
Mark's eyes changed to incredulousness and he examined Jinyoung's face, searchingly, lest Jinyoung was lying.
"Is that true? But I saw you two..." Mark trailed off, hesitant to talk about what he had witnessed.
"You saw what?" Jinyoung recalled that night, "No way, don't tell me that you saw us together outside our apartment building that night. God, that'll be embarrassing."
"That was just what I saw. You two were kissing and...and I didn't want to disturb you."
Jinyoung shook his head, "No, to correct you once more, we did not kiss. Yes, he confessed to me but he understood when I said I was not ready for the kiss yet."
Jinyoung could plainly see how Mark's gloomy face changed into an exuberant one just in a matter of a few seconds.
"So you did not kiss? What a great relief! But did you...perhaps accept his confession? Did you accept him?"
"Can't you just connect everything? But I did tell him that I'd consider him and whether I loved him or not."
Jinyoung was talking matter-of-factly but every word of his brought hope to Mark's remorseful self.
"Jinyoung, you have no idea how that information is important to me. I've been misunderstanding all the time then. If only I just remained a little bit longer in that place, I would've known the truth. Whatever, that isn't important now. But...but do you love him?"
"I don't know. That's just the same answer I gave him. Anyway, why're we talking about all of this now? Let's go."
Mark stopped him from turning around and cleared his throat quite in nervousness.
"Just a little more. Now that I know everything, I can't anymore throw away my chances," Mark's gentle eyes were set on Jinyoung's unwaveringly, "Hear me out, okay? I'm in love with you. Can you believe me? I think, this is the truest thing I've ever said."
Mark looked expectantly at Jinyoung, who could form no words and was still staring at Mark, incredulous. Silence fell and Mark began to grow wary.
"Say something, Jinyoung. Do you love me? Or can't you believe me? But wasn't I being really obvious? All those kisses, my jealousy and all."
"I think I believe in you," Jinyoung said at last and then turned his eyes downward away from Mark's.
"Then? Perhaps you don't love me? Please, I'm starting to get worried, Jinyoung. Look at my eyes please."
Jinyoung did but his lips were set in a thin line, "Mark, it might be true that you love me now. But, Mark, imagine if I accept you, I'll be like betraying myself. Can you see that?"
"Why? I don't understand. What's the matter? I just want to know if you love me or not. Do you?"
There was the definite answer for that question. Jinyoung loved Mark but found it difficult to accept him.
"You like only the me now, not the me before. Am I right?"
Mark's mouth fell open, as he began to understand what Jinyoung was driving at. And where it was going to lead.
"Both you and Jackson have confessed to me. But if you were me, who would you choose? Should I choose someone who just appeared two months ago and claimed that they loved me because I've somehow met their standards?"
"No, Jinyoung, you're misunderstanding me. I've fallen in love with you, not because you've become handsome or anything. But because I've got to know more about you, got to spend more time with you and love, which I've never experienced, you've taught me what it is like to love someone. I couldn't help all of those feelings, they've just come to me naturally. What should I do about them then? How can I prove that I love you?"
"But if you were me, who would you choose? Look, Mark, it's somehow hard for me to turn Jackson down and then to accept you, when I should've done otherwise."
Mark could not form any answer or words; he became convinced that he did not deserve Jinyoung.
"Jinyoung, if it makes you happy, then I won't force you to love me back. But I want you to know that I love you and always will. You deserve someone better than me."
Jinyoung deserved someone like Jackson, who had been by his side since the beginning, Mark convinced himself. Yes, it was Jackson who deserved Jinyoung. All Mark wanted was to see Jinyoung happy even if it must be Jackson who could keep Jinyoung happy and secured. Mark convinced himself so again and again, on their way back home.