Meredith Grey once said, you can have the worst crap in the world happen to you and you can get over it, All you have to do is survive.
Survive. Sounds easy doesn't it, well don't be fooled because its not. The choice to survive whatever crap life throws at us is instinctive, its like that little voice in your head that occasionally pops up with a positive energy telling you that you'll get through. But the actual work that you have to put into coming out alive is were the problem is.
Very few people bring out my vindictive side, one of them I've found to be a certain man whom recently came into my life and began to control everything. Just when I thought, hey maybe he's not so bad, maybe we could establish that father daughter relationship we never had, but right now its a huge hell no.
Maybe its not in my place to be angry at him you may say, I didn't even know I had an older brother, but you'd think after its your fault that your first child died, you'd be walking around eggshells with your second child, but of course that's not the case with him.
I've chosen to focus on the positive things in my life, like laila who is adjusting well in dubai, she's starting therapy and she's doing well because along with actual therapy, retail therapy does wonders as well since she was in a good mood yesterday when we talked, and that was after she spent the whole day shopping from the generous ATM card my father presented her with.
Mama was somewhat happy, probably seeing laila at a fresh start.
Ali and I have fallen into a routine, keeping up the positivity, I'd say that this marriage wasn't as hellish as I thought it would be, we we're civil to each other to say the least, but we behaved like college roommates other than a married couple. Two weeks ago since I read my mother's shocking letter and cried into my husband's chest like a baby, well let's just say that wasn't my best moment but he was there and he didn't pry or judge, he was just there for me until I presumably fell asleep and he left.
And I have been at least chivalrous and gracious to him avoiding any behavior that would suggest that I wanted to be anything but married to him, I mean he was in the same situation, this marriage was sprung on him just as it was on me and he was the one trying to make it work while I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best.
Speaking of, I had just heard the front door open, which meant that Ali was back from work, I had gotten off of work a few hours earlier than him so I came home on my own.
I was in the kitchen dressed in yoga pants and a big white t shirt, my hair was lazily sitting on top of my head secured by a pink ruffle, I couldn't have looked worse for a newlywed still in the honeymoon phase, which meant I was supposed to be dressed sexily and wearing makeup and have cooked an elaborate dinner waiting for the arrival of my husband, but I think even he has realized that will not be happening.
"Hey" he said as he leaned against the kitchen door, he was still in his light blue crisp button down t shirt and corporate pants that he had on this morning, his lab coat slung over his shoulder and a few papers and files in hand. he looked exhausted but he had a small smirk on his face like always.
"Hey! how was work?" I asked with a small smile.
Ali proceeded into the kitchen dropping his lab coat, keys, and a few papers and files on the island. I cringed because not only had I just cleaned the counter and had the marble shining but he knew better than to drop a germ factory of a lab coat on the kitchen, but he was tired and he probably had a long day, so I ignored it.
Great this housewife crap was beginning to creep its way into my system.
He opened the fridge and brought out a blue gatorade, popping the bottle open and taking a sip.
"It was hectic today, I had to look through a lot of grant applications for my research funding and look into taking fellowships from residents all over the country, and then I covered the ER for the rest of the day" he said leaning on the counter, he was obviously spent but he looked good as always.
"What are you cooking? " he asked taking another swig of his gatorade.
"Just some spaghetti and meatballs, freshen up and come down, it'll be ready by then" I said turning the sauce still on the stove.
"Good idea"he nodded and began packing up his stuff from the island, I said a silent prayer of thanks and went back to concentrating on my sauce.
After he went upstairs, I finished up dinner and set the table putting on the TV to serve as background noise for when we sat down in awkward silence to eat.
Yeah, cringe.
He came down dressed in a dark blue jalabbiyya, freshly showered with his phone in his hand looking really handsome making me wish I'd gotten all dressed up and glammed.
"Hey did you know chief was retiring?" He asked his eyes still glued to his phone as he approached the dining room.
"No I didn't, when is he retiring?" I replied pulling out two bottles of water from the dining room room fridge,
I didn't know whose idea it was that we had three fridges in the house, actually two freezers and one refrigerator but I was constantly worried about electric supply, with the amount of electric gadgets in this house, it was probably pulling up the electric bill of a small village in gombe.
"Not for a few more months but he probably put it out there now to get us on our feet" Ali replied taking a seat. He began to serve himself and I did the same before sitting down and pouring red gatorade into a glass, I couldn't swallow the blue one if they forced it down my throat but Ali lived for the blue gatorade, then again he's the guy who drinks cucumbers and potatoes or whatever it is he blends into those dark green early morning smoothies.
"he'd probably pick you to be chief when he steps down" I randomly commented.
Hospital concerning matters were common ground for us, so there wasn't a weirdness when we talked about work, and I hated the awkward silence even with the TV on, so I had had to blab something out.
"I don't think I'd do it" he replied simply.
I was sitting diagonally from him, literally because I was seated on the chair next to the one opposite him.
"Why not?"
"Its honestly a lot of workload and I have a research going, so I don't think it'll be the right time"
I nodded and didn't make anymore contributions for the rest of dinner,
Although I was wondering why on earth he wouldn't seize up the opportunity to be chief of surgery should it be presented to him, it was every attendings dream, literally.
We finished dinner and he helped me clear up the dishes and the dining area. Its little subconscious things like this that he does that warm my heart, sweet little actions that he probably doesn't realize he's doing that say and mean a lot.
Clearing up his dishes after a meal, thanking me for cooking saying I don't have to do it and telling me the food was delicious and how he'd enjoyed it.
I think he felt a bit disturbed by the fact that we had almost the same work hours, mine were longer at times and I would come home and have to whip up something in the kitchen.
I will admit I wasn't doing it because I was wifey dearest, I was just doing it because I was used to cooking for the people I lived with up until now and in a way this was me missing laila and my mother, it was definitely not because I cared for my husband's health, and didn't want Ali to die from the preservatives in the granola bars and store bought pastries that he lived on.
That's definitely not the case.
*********
*Ali*
Should I just open the door?
It would be rude wouldn't it?
I was standing outside Amani's door pacing, waiting to see if she'd come out, it was already twelve in the afternoon and she hadn't come out all morning, I was beginning to worry if she'd jumped through her room window and ran away.
"Amani, are you in there?" I called again but no answer came.
My heart started beating at an oddly fast rate, I turned open the door handle and was met with a dark room, the air con was on full blast, I could make out a figure on the bed curled up beneath the comforter.
"Amani" I called out as I proceeded into the room, she didn't answer but I knew she wasn't asleep as her breathing seemed uneven, heavy even as if she was struggling to breath. I quickly found the light switch and flicked it on before sitting by her side on the bed and slowly pulling the covers.
She immediately looked up in protest but as her eyes met mine they softened.
"Hey a-are you okay?" I asked even though I knew she wasn't, her eyes were puffed and red and she was still in her pj's, I put the back if my hand to her head and almost pulled back from the temperature, her skin was hot to the touch and her forehead was covered in beads of sweat even with the AC.
" SubhanAllah, You're burning up" I said stating the obvious, but worry was evident in my tone.
"I'm fine, I just have a headache" she grumbled but I could tell she was weak due to the faintness of her voice.
"You're not fine, you have a fever"
"Its not a fever, I said I'm okay"
She probably thought that if she said it was just a headache I'd believe her and walk away.
I gently pulled the covers all the way to her waist and she pulled back with little strength. She didn't want me to pull the comforter but she didn't have the strength to fight me like she would have liked to, and she was burning up, her temperature will only worsen if she lay in bed all day,
"Ali please just -- I'm okay I just needed to sleep in a bit" she said groggily.
"Did you call in sick from work? " I asked while helping her sit up,
"Yeah I sent an email" she replied wincing.
That's when I noticed the hot water bottle pressed against her stomach.
Ooh, understanding dawned on me, she was having menstrual cramps.
"What do you need? Should I make you tea? , run you a bath? Or soup? Soup would help " I babbled trying to sound helpful because she did look in pain.
Amani shot me a glare, "No I'm fine, why aren't you at work? "
I avoided answering that question because I didn't think she would be ready to hear why I wasn't at work and I wasn't about to tell her, today started out terrible already following the email I'd received from the chief of surgery.
And lucky for the both of us her ice queen vibes weren't going to work today, I thought about why she seemed to give attitude at times and I figured it probably was a defense mechanism of some sort, but I was going to help her get better and she couldn't push me away if she tried.
I walked to the windows and pulled open the curtains letting a huge amount of sunlight into the room and Amani flinched from where she was.
"I'll be right back" I said before exiting the room and running down the stairs to the kitchen.
It probably took twenty minutes tops to fix up a cup of piping hot chamomile tea, a bowl of store bought chicken soup, I opened some onion crackers on a small plate and salt chips on another one which would help with the nausea that came with dysmenorrhea.
I arranged everything on a tray and took it up to her room, Amani had curled up under the comforter again and my heart constricted seeing her in so much pain she almost didn't seem like herself anymore.
"I brought you some food" I say as I sit on the bed pulling the comforter away from her body once again.
"I don't want to eat" she replied her eyes shut tight and her knees pulled up to her chest.
"Eat something and have some advil, you'll feel better I promise " I said trying to pacify her.
"I won't be able to keep it down"
"I know but you will feel better even after you've thrown up"
She was quiet for a few seconds before she slowly sat up and grimaced holding her stomach.
I picked up the bowl of soup and handed it to her with a spoon, silently she took it and began eating, slowly but surely she ate bit after bit.
"Would you like me to run you a hot bath?" I asked feeling like a creep just sitting there watching her eat even though I was enjoying it.
"Yes please, just turn on the heater I'll shower instead" she replied.
I did as she asked and turned on the heater in her toilet, when I came out of the toilet she had rested her head on the deep purple headboard of the bed and was taking deep breaths.
"Hey, I'm sorry you're in so much pain" I said meaning those words, it was my second time seeing her vulnerable after that night that she cried into my chest and I realized that beneath that tough nut exterior that she had going on, she was a human after all, and I cared about this woman and I was determined to prove it.
"Its not your fault" she said with a half smile
"Thank you"
I left her to take the shower and I went to pray in the estate mosque as it was already time.
I avoided taking any calls from my lawyer because it would only put me in a bad mood, and I had a sick wife who didn't need my grumpiness at the moment.
After getting back to the house I heard rustling around coming from the kitchen and I knew it was her, she probably was thinking of cooking.
"what are you doing?" I asked as I leaned on the doorway.
She looked back at me with a smile, she was looking better and had now changed into a shiny pink gown with a light pink scarf tied around her head.
"Hi I was just fixing lunch" she replied but from the way she bent forward a bit and held onto the island top tightly as she chopped up vegetables, I knew she was probably still in pain.
She probably thought she had to make lunch for me, because I was an inconsiderate ass who would ask that of her even if she wasn't well.
I sighed and went over to where she was standing, standing close to her was distracting because her signature humra perfume mixed with the cucumber melon lotion that she used was waiting into my senses and making me want to hold her close to me but she'd think I was creepy so I kept my hands to myself.
"You should be in bed. Resting"
"I feel better now" she replied moving to the fridge to get tomatoes which she went to the sink to wash.
"Amani please --"
"Ali please, don't mother hen me, it'll only get worse should I lie down and do nothing" she reasoned and went back to cutting up her vegetables.
I decided to let it go because pushing her would irritate her further.
"Is today your day off?" She asked casually,
"Uhh-- well yeah, it -- uh -- it is in fact -- my -uh my day off" I replied, I was always a terrible liar, says everyone who's ever met me. I don't know why I didn't want to just come out and tell her the truth.
Amani was looking at me with a smile tugging at her lips, she had stopped chopping and had one hand on her hip while the other one still held the knife.
"What?" I asked.
"I can tell that you're lying" she stated simply.
"I'm not lying"
"Really?"
"yeah really"
"Well when I left the hospital yesterday, your name was on the board and the schedule for today, so why did you schedule appointments on your day off? "
Oh shoot! See this is why I hardly ever tell lies, it always comes back to get me.
"Cmon Ali, tell me what's wrong?" She added her face taking on a more serious expression.
"I got an email this morning from the chief" I began,
"Okay. About what?"
"I got suspended. For three days"
=====================
*Amani*
As soon as he said it I wanted to call him out for lying again but there was no sign of playfulness on his face.
"Suspension? For what?" I asked disbelievingly and Ali sighed.
"Don't worry about it, its a minor thing" he shrugged moving into the kitchen to the fridge.
I sighed and dropped the knife I was holding, I was in a terrible mood curtsey of period pain, I did not need more drama.
I walked over to where he was standing and blocked his path as he was about to turn around and leave.
"it's not a minor thing if you got suspended for it" I said.
"Its really not a big deal" he replied and his nonchalant attitude was annoying me.
At this point I was thinking to God what on earth was going on, Ali was literally a model doctor, the best peds surgeon in the hospital, so why on earth would he have been suspended, everyone like him, he never had an altercation with any-- Oh My God!
As soon as it clicked my mouth hung open,
"Its because you fought with jafar isn't it"
This cannot be happening, he can't be getting suspended because of me, oh Allah.
"I know what you're thinking" he began but I was overthinking every worst case scenario there is.
"This will affect you, your research grant, your funding and your record, it'll affect you, and its all because of me" I said holding my head feeling the panic setting in.
"Hey, Hey, Hey. This is not your fault. " he was by my side prying my hands away from my face and making me to look at him. "I'm not sorry for hitting that fool because he deserved it, I wish I handled it differently but that's on me, not you."
"Ali you don't understand, what if they don't give you funding for your research because of this" I cried, the guilt I was feeling was overwhelming, like liquid nitrogen running through my veins, and I hated that feeling.
"My research will be fine, don't worry. I'm working on it trust me, nothing will happen" he coaxed, and I just stood there, the irony of the situation was that he was the one who'd gotten suspended but he was comforting me about it. Here comes more guilt.
"I'm so sorry" I said and Ali shook his head.
"Don't. This is not your fault in anyway, chief understands the situation, any sensible person in my shoes would have done the same thing but rules are rules and he had to give me something " he said with a smile.
Jafar I swear to God, he better stear clear of me in that hospital or I'll use him to scrub the walls of the burn unit clean.
****
Later that night I was sitting in our over the top furnished living room, nursing a cup of hot chocolate and trying to concentrate on the TV.
I had found a book about long term illnesses in children on the coffee table and I was trying to read that as well, but between the noise from the TV and the feeling of guilt that was still there, I couldn't concentrate on anything. Why did he have to confront jafar ? He would have just left him alone and not done anything because now he wouldn't have a suspension record of any sort.
And jafar that idiot, he just had to get his way, running to the chief like a lost puppy.
I groaned in frustration, just then my phone chimed loudly, I picked it up and smiled seeing Laylas name on the screen.
I slid answer and put the phone to my ear.
"Adda" came her voice that I missed so much.
"Hi Leilo, Yakike?" I replied cheerfully.
"I'm fine, how is work?" she answered and there was an edge to her voice that always meant she had something she wanted to say.
"Where is mama? Did you go shopping again today?"
"Mama went to get some groceries and I'm just lying at home " she replied.
"Alhaji kangiwa called today"
There it is that's what she wanted to talk about.
"Really what did he want?" I asked wondering why on earth he would call Layla.
"Nothing, he just wanted to know if we were okay and he said to call and ask if I ever needed anything"
I was quiet for a few seconds, "okay that's good Layla, how's school? Any new friends? "
"I have friends from Halaqa" she replied her voice becoming more excited.
"Good, that's Good." She had informed me of their Muslim study group that they had twice a week at the local mosque.
"Okay Mama just came back, I'll help her with the groceries, we'll talk tomorrow" she said and after a few short goodbyes we hung up.
I sighed and dropped my phone next to me.
Just on queue, the front door opened and Ali walked in, he had gone to his parents house after maghrib and was just coming back.
He gave me a bright smile as he closed the door behind him.
"Assalamu Alaikum"
"Waalaykumusalam" I answered,
"I thought you'd have gone to bed" he looked at his watch and I looked at the wall clock, it was around ten after ten and I usually went to bed early but I wasn't feeling it today.
"Yeah I just wasn't sleepy" I replied and he smiled.
"Did you have dinner already?" I asked
"Yeah I did" he handed me the paper bag he was holding when he entered.
"What's this?" I eyed the bag carefully.
"Open it. Mama sent it for you"
I opened the bag to find different colors of the most beautiful chiffon veils ever, there were about ten of them and my mouth literally dropped as I brought them out of the bag appreciating their beauty and the thoughtfulness of my mum in law.
"Oh these are beautiful" I exclaimed, "let me call her" I turned to pick up my phone.
"Call her tomorrow or we'll go and see them because she went to bed immediately after isha" Ali said and I nodded excitedly putting the veils back into the bag.
"So what's the real reason you're up this late?"
He asked putting his phone on the satinwood side table, indicating that he was giving me all his attention.
I sighed because I could drag this or just tell him and I didn't have strength for the former.
"I was plotting ways to make Jafar's life miserable" I admitted.
He threw his head back and laughed loudly. "I told you to forget about that"
"Its not even the suspension anymore, I still feel guilty but--" I stopped not knowing how to put this because I wasn't used to talking about how I felt, but Ali's eyes held such emotion and something that just pulled me.
"You can talk to me Amani, I'm listening " he urged and I took a deep breath.
"Jafar was my friend you know, I understand now that he's not really a good person but he was there for me through some hard times, when my dad died, I felt I had to be strong for everyone but he was there, you know."
"You never told me about that, what happened with you dad" he asked resting back on the sofa.
I looked away and swallowed the lump that immediately formed in my throat. It was always like this when I remembered my dad, I was always overwhelmed by a surge of emotions that threatened to break my reserve.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked" he said noticing my discomfort.
I quickly fixed up and smiled. "No no its okay, I uh just needed a moment but I'll tell you" I replied surprising myself. I actually did want to tell him,
"You don't have to if its too much" he added.
"No I do" I argued.
He probably didn't understand what was going on with my family and I wanted to explain things and tell him how I felt about them, all of this pent up emotion would eventually drive me crazy if I didn't say anything.
And so I did, that night I opened up to this man who listened to everything I had to say without a hint of judgment in his eyes, I told him about the man who actually raised me and how I didn't know my biological father until recently, about how our marriage was all his doing and he listened without interrupting.
"I miss him" I added my voice barely above a whisper, it felt good getting it all out, it felt good talking about how I felt to him.
"May his soul rest in peace, I'm so sorry you lost him" he paused and looked at me, "he sounds like a wonderful person"
"He was" I said fondly.
"Amani" he paused again as if he wasn't sure of what he was going to say. "I know our marriage was not traditional, the circumstances surrounding it is business related to our parents. "
I nodded, of course this was true, I just didn't expect the cold hard truth from him.
"But that's what they think, that's their business, we are in this marriage now, just the two of us" he stopped and got up from his
sofa and came and sat don next to me.
I swallowed because of the close proximity between us, it wasn't uncomfortable, it was oddly relaxing.
"You're my wife now, and I'm your husband and I need you to try to make this work"
I opened my mouth to say something but he wasn't finished.
"I'm not asking you to love me Amani, I'm not asking for that, I'm asking that we take baby steps, because I will give this all I've got, I'm asking the same from you"
I held his gaze for a while, it used to be uncomfortable when he stared straight into my eyes but in this moment, it really wasn't.
"Ali" I began
"Just say you'll try Amani, please"
I looked at the longing in his eyes and the way they were pleading with me to give him the hope that he desired that I would try to make it work between, but didn't I owe it to him to at least try if he was doing the same for me, or at least for myself to try to be happy in this.
"I want this to work, I'll try." I said and immediately he released a breath and a smile broke out on his face.
He was right this might have been business for our parents, but they weren't going to live together, we were, we were married and there is no going back so I was going try.
======================================
Hey guys, so I'm really bad at proof reading, so there still might be mistakes in this but please bare with me.
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Ali and Amani are getting along at the very least, 😊
I wanted to give a few happy chapters before the bomb drops 😂
So enjoy it while it lasts,
If you're a writer have you ever noticed how these happy sappy chapters are harder to write, well for me at least they are, I prefer the drama, the dark part of things.
Anyway, I love you for reading.