Sad chapter, sorry
3rd September 1991
Brian's POV
I knew something was wrong with Dad, he'd gone into the hospital late at night, not being able to keep anything down and having quite a bad time with going to the loo. Roger had sent me off to be with him, saying it could be my last chance, so I went and got there within twenty minutes, finding Mum already at the bedside and completely panicking.
"Brian! O-oh, my baby boy... come here" she cooed and started crying as she wrapped her arms around me and buried her head in my chest, "Mum, Mum, calm down. It's okay" I cooed and kissed her head then looked at Dad. "Go outside and calm down, phone Roger if you want, he'll help you" I said and handed her the mobile phone which she took and went outside. "Brian..." Dad muttered and I went to his side and gently took his hand, "I'm here Dad, h-how do you feel?"
"I'm in agony" he said and I noticed he was gripping his stomach before he kept repeating that phrase over and over, "Dad, I'll get the nurse in and she can give you painkillers" I said and pressed the button, "no, no! Don't call the nurse! I'm okay" he said and I shook my head, "no, please trust me this once. You've taken care of me all my life and now I have to take care of you" I said and he looked at me as the nurse came in and saw that he was in pain.
The nurse went off to get painkillers as Dad just stared blankly at me, "don't-don't worry about me. Worry about your mother, she's been worried sick about me and to be fair, I'd rather have died a week ago than worry her like that. Please take care of her" he said and I shook my head, tears forming in my eyes, "nobody's dying, Dad. You're gonna be okay" I said and he sighed as the nurse handed him a cup.
He drank all of it down then just looked at me as a tear rolled slowly down his cheek, "Brian... all these years we've been on bad terms from you really disappointing me but I-I see why you did it now. You got an amazing career out of it, a great family and I'm so proud of you, son, I really am" he said and I could've started crying, he was talking like he was about to die and I didn't want him to, I didn't want this to be happening.
I looked at him and his face softened a little, "get my wallet for me" he said and pointed shakily at Mum's handbag so I picked it up and found his wallet then gave it to him. He opened it up and showed me a picture of me and Mum on the beach when I was a teenager.
"You haven't changed since then" he said and I smiled then got up and hugged him as tight as I could and tried to force the tears back but they flowed out like a river. "I love you Dad, I don't know what I'm gonna do without you" I sobbed and he rubbed my back, "you'll find something to do, Brian, trust me. You'll soon get over me and focus on your own family"
"It won't be easy" I said and he smiled slightly, "I never said it would be. Just think of me when you need me, I'm sure I'll find some way to pester you when I'm gone" he laughed weakly then his face contorted into one of pain and he cried out. Mum came back into the room at that point and I had to reassure her that he was okay and let her sit next to him and hold his hand, a wife's touch always helped in situations like these, it was comforting.
"Go round that side" Mum whispered so I lifted my chair and took it around the other side and held Dad's left hand, being careful of his catheter. He gripped my hand then tears started running down his face as he led his head back and a faint rattling noise came out of his throat between him sobbing. I pressed the button and called the nurse and when she came in, her face immediately dropped.
"I'll let you two stay here overnight... he-he can go any time now" she said and Mum started crying as she pulled Dad's hand to her chest and kissed it over and over. I looked at both of them and cried when I noticed how strong a bond the two of them had, "do you want me to go?" I asked and Mum shook her head as Dad gripped my hand even tighter, "don't go. I want you here" He rasped and looked at me.
I looked at Mum who was wiping her eyes and gently patted Dad's hand, "I'll be back in a second" I said then went around and gave Mum a hug. "He'll be okay" I said and she nodded then patted my arm and wiped her eyes again, "oh, um, Roger wanted me to tell you that you're doing a great job and, uh, he said he loves you" she said and I smiled, "thanks Mum"
— three hours later —
I'd gone and gotten some food for me and Mum from the vending machine, I got myself a packet of crisps and Mum a ham sandwich then made my way back up. I saw a nurse coming out of the room and smiled at her before I went in and heard the same awful rattling we'd been hearing for the last almost four hours, "getting any better?" I asked and Mum shook her head, "he won't talk now"
"Dad? Can you hear me?" I asked and he made a sort of groaning noise which almost made me lose it. The nurses had sat him up but he didn't look around or anything, he just stared at the ceiling blankly, but I could hear that it was getting a bit hard for him to breathe. "Dad, Dad, it's okay..." I cooed and lifted his chin a little to make it easier for him as his hand slid over and placed itself on mine.
I held his hand and looked at Mum then gave Dad a kiss on the cheek as the nurse came in, "I-I'm sorry, can I check his heart?" She asked and I nodded then moved away slightly, keeping Dad's hand firmly in mine, and she checked his heart from his wrist then left silently. I watched Dad and tried to comfort him until his hand twitched in mine, "Dad? Squeeze my hand" I said and waited but I didn't feel anything for a while until he squeezed it slightly.
"Harry... I'm sorry it had to end this way, my love. You go to Jack and Lewis and take care of them, okay? You make sure they're okay. I love you so much and I'll never forget you" Mum said, breaking out in ugly sobs as she held Dad's hand near to her lips and kissed it over and over. "I love you Dad" I squeaked and wiped my eyes as I noticed the rattling noise had stopped, "see you in heaven"
I pressed the button and called the nurse in who looked at both of us then got Dad's heartbeat from his wrist then sighed, "I'm so sorry... he's gone" she said and I let out a loud sob. I covered my face and let all my screaming and crying out then went over to Mum and wrapped my arms around her shaking body, "it's okay... he-he's in a better place now" I said and she let out a scream then stood up and hugged me as tight as she could.
She cried into my chest until she could barely breathe and I helped her calm down a little as the nurse did lots of checks on Dad then started filling out a Death Certificate. "You go back to mine and I'll see that he's put in a good place" I said to Mum and she looked at me, "I don't want to leave him" she squeaked and I nodded, "I know, Mumma, but you need to sleep. You've been here all night" I said and she nodded a little.
"Alright... okay, what should I tell Roger? You'll be home soon?" She asked and I kissed the top of her head, "I'll call him when I'm coming home. You get some sleep" I said and she nodded then looked back at Dad and wiped her eyes before she left the room and left me alone to sort all of it out. "Okay, are you the biological family?" The nurse asked and I nodded, "I'm his son, yes"
"Okay... um, did he want to be buried or cremated?" She asked and I looked at the ground, "buried I think, I can get my Mum to tell you" I said and she nodded before I rummaged around and found thirty pence then went out to the phones and called home. It rang for a little while and I watched people going past, I saw people crying, laughing, sorting out medicines and all sorts of things going past me until a voice struck me out of my trance.
"Brian! Talk to me!" Roger shouted down the phone and I jumped.
"Hi, hello, sorry... um, can I talk to Mum?" I asked and heard a hum before there was a bit of rustling, "Mum?"
"Hi Brian, what-what d'you need?" She asked and I wiped my eyes as tears randomly started falling again.
"I, um, did Dad want to be buried?" I asked and heard a hum, "okay... now you go and sleep, Mum. I'll be back soon"
She said goodbye and I heard a noise before the phone went dead and I rushed to put in another thirty pence, "Mum? You still there?"
"It's me, babe, I just wanted to say I love you, um, yeah... that's it. Just I love you" Roger said and I smiled then my smile contorted into a frown and I started sobbing into the phone, "Brian... please don't-" Roger was cut off and loud beeping sounded in my ear and the robotic voice asked me for more money but I put the phone down and went back to the room.
"He-he wanted to be buried" I said, noticing that the bed where Dad was was now empty, "okay... we can only keep him here for three weeks so you'll have to get the funeral planner to phone us up" the nurse said and I nodded a little, "okay... I'm gonna go on home now, is that okay?" I asked and she nodded then put her arms out, "give your mother my best wishes" she said and I thanked her as I had a short hug then I picked up the bag of Dad's things and took his wallet from the bedside table.
I sighed as I looked back at the room then almost ran out of the hospital, tears threatening to fall again, and got into a taxi which took me home. The drive seemed so long when I was trying to fight back tears but I managed it and started pounding on the door, trying to get in as quickly as I could.
Roger opened it and I immediately collapsed onto him, crying my heart out, and he gently walked me into the living room and got me sitting on the sofa. He kept his arms around me and rubbed my back as I let it all flow out of me then he started whispering sweet nothings to me to try and calm me down but nothing was working. I couldn't-and didn't want to-calm down, I just wanted to cry and cry until my lungs came out of my mouth.
"Brian, I know it's hard but please stop it, you'll give yourself a headache" Roger cooed and brushed the hair out of my face then wiped my eyes, "you were there, okay? You were there for him when he needed you and now he can take care of you from just here" he said and poked my heart and I felt like that tiny poke made it shatter and I started crying again.
I wish it wasn't true, I wanted him to come down the stairs and pat my head like he used to in the mornings. I wanted his jokes, his smiles, his teasing, I just wanted him back. I wish he'd give me a sign he's with me, if in my heart or physically, just something... that would be my closure.
Okay wow that's been quite therapeutic for me, I'm sorry for such a sad chapter but I guess I needed to do this after something similar going on recently with me.
Um, I hope it didn't make too many of you cry...
I'll see you in the next one, lots of love ~ Kate