It was about seven at night and I had at least fifty missed calls between my brother, mother and father. I wasn't ready to deal with them. Matthew and I sat in his truck in the parking lot close to the ice cream shop.
"I forgot to ask, how is your face?" I said.
"Ah, it's fine, I think I have some bruising happening. No big deal. Your hands? "
"I am sure they need some ice." I threw my head back as he tossed a jellybean in the air. With my mouth wide open I caught it. He then tossed his head back and mouth open so I could toss him a jellybean.
"We can ice it."
"No, I don't really care right now."
My phone rang again. I silenced it, but it lite up every time it rang.
"You should just answer it."
"No, it's Ray. You answer it." I laughed, but then he picked up the phone and slid it to answer.
"Hello?" He said.
"What are you doing, I was joking!" I said.
"Rita, you have to let them know you are okay at some point." Matthew argued. "Hello?" He said into the phone again.
I couldn't hear what was happening on the other end, just a bunch of "uh huhs" and "yeahs" from Matthew. "She will be home soon, when she is ready. She is feeling a lot of things too." Then there was some silence and a "goodbye".
"Was he yelling and screaming?"
He shook his head, "No, not at all, he was crying. He said to tell you he is sorry and that he really needs to talk to you. He asked me to please bring you home because he was worried about you and to please tell you how sorry he is." He said quietly.
I nodded, holding back my own tears. "Let's go."
Ray has never cried, at least not in front of me. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. I was still angry with him, but I wanted to hug him and tell him I loved him still but I was still mad.
"Do you want me to come in with you?" He asked when he pulled up to my house.
"It's okay, I am sure it will be really awkward."
"I'm not worried about feeling awkward. I feel like he is about to tell you something important. Don't ask me why, but I have a bad feeling."
This set off an internal panic. I didn't want to think about it. "Up to you. Guess my parents can meet the guy I fought my brother for."
I opened the door and slid out. He turned the truck off and followed behind me.
When I opened the front door, I was bombarded with the same question over and over from my parents. "Where have you been!"
Ray ran down the stairs and scooped me up and held me tight. At first, my body was rigid, but I remembered he had been crying, so I hugged him back as tight as I could. I didn't want him to think I didn't love him or that I had chosen Matthew over him. "I'm sorry." he whispered.
I thought about saying it back, but I wasn't that sorry.
"Who is this!" My mother said. Ray put me down and she had a disgusted look on her face as if I had brought in a dead animal.
"Mom, dad, this is Matthew. He is my boyfriend."
They both stood there looking between the three of us as if there were some sort of misunderstanding.
"But you aren't allowed to date." My mother said. Her expression changed to something I wasn't expecting, she looked concerned and a bit scared.
"Things happen." Ray answered. "I think it is time we tell her. We can't keep doing this to her."
Whatever he was talking about must've been what he mentioned to Matthew. Whatever it was, my parents didn't agree because they both shook their heads and my mother started to cry and walked away, my dad chased after her.
"Am I dying?" I say confused by everything happening.
"No, come on." Ray motioned us to follow him upstairs.
We sat in the upstairs sitting area that Ray and I never used. It separated the two bedrooms. It was originally just an open space, but we put an L shaped couch, a chair and a TV there just to fill the space. Ray sat in the chair and Matthew sat next to me on the couch.
Ray took a deep breath and cleared his throat as if he were holding back sobs. "There are some things about our childhood you don't remember, Rita. Those things are the reason mom, dad and myself are so careful with you now. We agreed not to tell you if you didn't mention it to us. But today, I could see that you are at your final straw with how things are and I want you to know that there is a reason for it."
My heart raced because I didn't know what he was talking about. I wanted to know, but I was also terrified to find out. I felt like he was about to ruin my life with his next words. Matthew must've felt the same way because I felt his hand come and grabbed mine.
"The therapist said you had repressed any traumatizing memories and it was best to leave them that way. You may not remember what I am about to tell you, but it did happen. And I pray that you can forgive me for telling you this, and that you don't remember any of it, ever. There is a reason we don't visit family or they don't visit us. We don't speak to them much anymore, we don't invite them over. Mom and dad don't trust anyone around you."
"But I didn't do anything." I defended. Matthew squeezed my hand, I think it was meant to tell me to let him finish his statement.
"No, you didn't. We had an uncle, he used to watch us while mom and dad worked. Every day, when we got home from school, we were about six, I would get to play video games and you guys would disappear for a while and I didn't care because I had my games."
I gasped and choked as the door in my head crashed open and out flooded these memories that I kept locked up. I covered my ears and shook my head. "No! Stop!" I screamed as loud I could. If he shut up now, I could still forget it. "NO!" I shook my head trying to push them back in.
It didn't work, they wouldn't go. I could remember the pink bed sheets I had on my twin bed with a princess blanket. I remembered him holding my hand and leading me to my room. I remembered how small my hand felt in his big rough hand every single day. I remembered crying and his disgusting touch. The thought of him touching me made my skin crawl. I wanted to scream. I didn't want to remember anymore. I needed it to go back.
My head felt like it was going to explode and I suddenly couldn't breathe. Everything was closing in and I needed it to stop. So, I ran. I ran down the stairs, out the front door and as far as my legs could carry me until my legs couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know where I was, how far I had run and I wasn't sure how to get back. Right now, I didn't care about how to get back, I didn't want to go back. I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew I wanted to forget again.
My legs were so tired I let myself collapse onto the grass in front of me. I didn't know whose lawn I had fallen on, but I hoped they wouldn't mind.
"Are you okay?" I heard a women's voice yell.
"I think so, too much running." I yelled back.
"Are you hurt?"
I wanted to say yes, on the inside, but I didn't want her to call an ambulance. "I mean no harm ma'am, my legs just couldn't take another step."
I heard a door close and footsteps in the grass. A small, thin face leaned over me. She had short pink hair and a nose piercing with the brightest blue eyes.
"I'm sorry." I say, "I ran here, I don't know exactly where I am, but I just needed a break before I tried to find my way back."
"You ran here?" She scrunched her face up clearly telling me that it was a stupid idea. "Is someone chasing you?"
"No ma'am, just a really rough day."
She sat down next to me and I sat up. "Don't call me ma'am, makes me feel old. I'm Janice." She put her hand out and I shook it. "Want to talk about it?"
I looked up at the stars and it was a beautiful night, there were many other things I could be doing instead of feeling the way I did today. "Guess so." I wrapped my arms around my knees and ripped off a blade of grass and began tearing it to tiny pieces. I explained to Janice how the morning started and gave her the details of Matthew and Ray's past and how things had been between Matthew and me. I went into detail about my relationship with my parents and how we got to the point of me just not speaking to them anymore.
"So, your brother is pretty much the enforcer?" Janice said.
"Yes, and I didn't mind until I met Matthew. But I always knew my parents treated me differently. I always thought they just liked Ray better because he had more charisma and knew how to talk to them."
"It is never what you think, hun."
"Well, this is where things get bad. When I got home, Ray told me that there was a reason the three of them always sheltered me and didn't let me date or go anywhere with a boy."
"How bad?"
"When I was six, there was an uncle. I guess I shut those memories away, but the moment Ray mentioned them I remembered them." My face was moist and I wiped the tears away.
"It's okay to cry, this is a no judgement zone. Was this uncle a scumbag uncle?"
I nodded while I let myself cry a little bit. Janice put her arm around me and pulled me close to her until she was able to hug me. She felt warm and safe so I let myself cry.
"I know it was hard not understanding what they were doing, but remember they were protecting you. Something like that will make a parent fear for their child forever. No one knows the right way to handle these things, it is all a gamble. They did what they thought was best for you and you have to realize that. I'm sorry for what he did and I hope he pays for it, but you know what honey? You have lived this wonderful life and you are going to continue on with this wonderful life once you are past this. It will hurt you, it will destroy you, but you will come back and you will be stronger than you were before."
As much as her words hurt, they also helped, I nestled myself a little closer to this stranger, this angel. My mother never hugged me like this or talked to me like this, not since I was small.
I wiped my face with my jacket sleeve, I forgot I was still wearing my uniform. "You know, I used to think my parents hated me sometimes. I haven't actually spoken to them in months. Sitting here, with you, I really wish I was closer to my mom. I don't think she has hugged me in years, my dad sometimes, but not her. I envy people who are close with their moms because I feel like mine just doesn't love me."
"I'm sure she loves you, maybe it was what happened that made her this way. Maybe she doesn't know how to show you she loves you. Or maybe she is afraid to trigger your memories. There could be so many reasons, but you won't understand until you ask. You can make the first step, it doesn't have to be her."
"I guess you're right."
"Now, when you are ready, I am going to drive you home and I want you go in there and hug your mother like you never hugged her before. And as for you, you cry, you hurt, you do whatever you have to do to get through this and then get back out there and give the world hell. Don't let this break you. You have a whole life ahead of you and you will not let this taint it."
I hugged Janice for a few more minutes before I decided I should give her advice a try. I had apparently run about two miles. Janice gave me her number and told me I could contact her anytime.
"Remember, like you have never hugged her before." Janice reminded me before I closed her car door.