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Other witches: ALWAYS CLEANSE BEFORE RITUALS!!!!!
Me: *wiping Cheeto dust off my hands* alright sluts let's go.
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Movie witches: For this spell you must gather these sacred items, soak them in water held by the skin of a deer, and drink half a cup each night before bed until the full moon.
Real witches: imma draw a sigil or something on this toaster strudel and have it for breakfast.
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Being a witch
Expectations: I'm gonna use this candle to heat up the moon water with herbs to help keep intrusive thoughts and bad energy away from me.
Reality: *rubbing quartz on my forehead and temples, visualizing my brain* alright so listen up fucker I don't need your negativity, so cuz the shit.
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*spirit haunts a house*
Witch in movie: you need to conduct a ritual at precisely 1:07am with the blood of an endangered goat and a Ouija board. Then and only then will the spirit even consider leaving.
Witch irl: *banging pots together* GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU WISPY MOTHERFUCKER!!!
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They say witchcraft doesn't work but every time I light a candle I summon my mom to explain why candle are dangerous and will kill me if I ever light them.
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Best way to banish a spirit: *throwing salt while yelling* DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A GODDAMN HOTEL TO YOU?!?!
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Becoming a witch
Expectation: Man I'm gonna do so many spells and rituals everyday.
Reality: *desperately trying to collect rain water* give me more, I NEED it.
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Other witches: This space is cleaned and purified. Negativity holds no power here.
Me: *walking through the house yelling* ALL NEGATIVITY CAN FUCK OFF. IM THE WITCH. YOU'RE THE BAD VIBES. GET THE FUCK OUT.
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What people think witchcraft is: worshipping Satan and sacrificing virgins and babies
What witchcraft really is: having way too many candles in one room. Putting faith in rocks. Having 749274920 jars.
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Anyone: oh hey tarot cards what do they say about me.
Me: uhhhhh the cards say you're a little bitch.
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Spell: you gotta focus all your energy and clear your mind.
Me: Alright. I got this.
Me: ...
Brain: you are my dad (your my dad!) boogiewoogiewoogie
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How to witchcraft
Light those
Stab this
Carve that
Shake jar
Say the thing
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What I thought tarot would be: I can see the future, past, and present so clearly.
What it's actually like: damn I just got insulted by a deck of cards.
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Witchy problems: seeing a strange shadow in your peripheral and not knowing if it was your eyelash or spirit.
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Cast spell to be surrounded by beautiful men: drag queens follow you everywhere.
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People: a witch? Lol do you melt if I throw water on you?
Me: ...
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Cast spell to find lost necklace: finds missing sock, shoe, and cup.
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