Jamais Vu
BTS – MAP OF THE SOUL : PERSONA
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1:51 – 1:56
LAST NIGHT, JUNGKOOK TOLD ME WORDS THAT I never thought would come out of his mouth. At least, not this soon... Not like barely hours after he made the promise that we would make it through everything together.
I breathed out incredulously, "I know that getting into that fight was so reckless and selfish of me, but⏤"
"It's not even about that... but the fact that a fan physically hurt you⏤ it kills me..."
"Well, she's hardly a fan, and I just have a little scratch... it's fine."
"No, it's not fine," he muttered while tugging at his hair. "This is my fault. It happened because of me. I'm putting you in that kind of danger."
"Babe, it's not your fault," I assured him softly. "Leonor barely attacked me, but she's gonna pay for it. You don't have to feel guilty or anything, I can defend myself."
"You d-don't understand... it is my f-fault," Jungkook choked, his voice shaking.
I blinked at him in dread, blurting out, "W-What do you mean?"
"A few d-days ago, I got a text for her... it said that if I didn't break up with you, she'd make me regret it or something like that."
"Holy shit..."
I really did not see that one coming. Damn, that bitch had some nerves to threaten him like that. I was going to fuck her life up so bad.
"I just ignored it... Then y-you saw her at the ice rink and your phone got leaked, but I tried to convince myself it was some twist of fate. But w-when I saw her at the mall, I knew it was true..."
"Everybody makes mistakes. Hell, my face all over the internet is the living proof of that," I teased him and reached out to hold his hand, but he pulled it away. Okay, that stung a lot.
Jungkook looked at me with tearful eyes, sighing, "I c-could've prevented that. You don't deserve any of this... reading hate when you go on social media or g-getting harassed when you leave the house."
God, it broke my heart that he was beating himself up like this.
"It really doesn't matter to me, I want you... I love you!"
"I love you too, but it'd be better if I wasn't in your life."
"W-Why are you doing this???"
"It's just... it's n-not that easy."
"It w-was never supposed to be easy!!!" I screamed out, bursting into angry tears. "God, I didn't even know what I was getting myself into, but I still jumped right in⏤ That's how m-much I love you! It's not easy, but it's worth it. You are worth it."
"We shouldn't be together anymore. I've already made up my mind... I'm so sorry."
"No... if you end this, then Leonor wins. All those fake fans who wanna break us, they win too!"
"It's not about winning or losing, but keeping you safe..." he admitted, tearing me apart with each word. "Even if that means staying away from you."
"J-Jungkook, don't," I whimpered, crying even harder.
"Leave," he mumbled and averted his gaze from me, but I didn't move. "I said leave... NOW!!!"
After everything we had been through together... I never expected that he would just break up me like that. Jungkook was giving up on us... giving up on me. I couldn't believe this was really happening. How did we even get to this??
"P-Please... just t-tell me what to d-do, please~~" I begged and begged him to let me back in, pounding on his door that was slammed in my face.
"Kailee-ssi, what's going on?" Jimin asked in concern, pulling me into his arms.
"He... He b-broke... up with m-me," I whispered between hiccups and buried my face into his neck, tears streaming down his shirt.
"What??" they all gasped, quickly surrounding me with gentle hugs.
"Because of the fight," Yoongi guessed, and I nodded silently.
"That boy loves you so much, he didn't think this all through," Anna Mae cooed, stroking her fingers through my curly hair.
"We'll talk some sense into him," Namjoon added, and they all agreed.
But no one had any luck getting through his airhead.
☆彡
The pain after our first break-up a few months was nothing compared to what I was experiencing right now. It was much more than I could bear too. Every second without him made my heart that was already into a million pieces shatter even more.
I pounded on his door that was slammed in my face, begging and begging him to let me back in. But he didn't. Jimin then carried me to his room, because my legs were too weak. I hadn't moved from the warmth of his bed for hours, but it seemed like forever.
Jungkook promised that all the craziness going on wouldn't end in heartbreaks, but it did. For me at least, so that was a fucking lie.
I cried so hard at that realization that my lungs ached, and my eyes ran out of tears.
After everyone had gone to bed, I stayed up all night outside Jungkook's bedroom, wishing he'd open the door. But with every minute that slowly ticked by, it dawned on me that he wouldn't.
It was almost eight AM, and Arang was now calling me. After contemplating whether I should answer or not, I did. Maybe getting scolded ⏤because obviously, she was going to⏤ would take my mind off the fact that my life had turned into a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from.
I took a deep breath, "Annyeo⏤ "
"Makailee-ssi, you are in so much trouble, which I specifically told you not to get into! So much trouble that I don't even know where to begin!" she snapped angrily, making me wince. "Why isn't Jungkook not answering my calls? I need you both on the line, right now."
"Uh, I d-don't know... h-he⏤" I paused, clearing the lump in my throat. "He broke up with m-me last night."
"Oh..."Arang uttered quietly, after a moment of silence. "I'm so sorry... Forget everything I said, just feel better."
"I'll try, thanks," I told her weakly, hanging up.
Resisting the urge to burst into tears again, I forced myself out of bed. It was time for me to fix the mess I made. Then, I could come back to cry some more if I wanted to.
When I walked past the mirror, my reflection made me gasp in shock. Swollen, bloodshot eyes from all the crying and not enough sleeping. I was a mess on the inside and the outside, just great.
On my way to the kitchen, I heard all my friends playfully bantering together. It made me smile a little until a hard chest bumped into me, his familiar scent hitting me like a tidal wave. His hands quickly found my waist. Out of instinct more than love, I supposed.
I froze on the spot, feeling my body melt from the heat that coursed from his touch. It still lingered after he quickly removed his hands.
Everyone stopped talking at once, and I knew they were watching us. I took a tentative step backward to see his face and died a little more.
Jungkook looked so... emotionless. Like he didn't even care about me anymore.
Funny how he said he loved me, but I was the only one breaking to pieces.
"You really gonna act like a fuckin' ass right now??" Anna Mae called out scornfully, but he just flipped her off and walked out of the kitchen.
Just like that, without a word or even a glance at me. Well, fuck you~~
Swallowing my tears and what was left of my pride, I ignored their pity looks and plopped down onto a chair. Hoseok flashed me a small smile, sliding a bowl of cereal in front of me. But I wasn't hungry.
"You know, he's heartbroken too," Jimin told me in a soft voice.
"Yeah? Well, maybe he's just too good at hiding it, don't you think??" I spat with so much venom but instantly regretted it when he flinched like a sad little puppy. "Sorry, I'm just..."
"It's okay, KaiKai," he mumbled.
"It's not, but thanks... Anyways, I'm going to meet up with Leonor today..." I announced, and they all shared uneasy glimpses between them. "What? What is it now??"
"Uh, you really don't have to do it today... I mean, it can wait," Namjoon said, but we all knew that wasn't true.
The longer I waited, the more irreparable damages it would cause to the boys' reputation.
"Good thing I wasn't asking for your opinion, then," I retorted innocently and rose from the table. "Now, I have to go and put my bitch face on."
"It won't be too hard to find," Taehyung chuckled, his smile quickly disappearing as I flashed him the deadliest look. "It's not a bad thing! Yoongi-hyung has one too~"
I hated that he was actually right and wasn't in the mood for this.
☆彡
The bitch was in a little-known café in Seoul, no sight of her little minion. She looked even worse than yesterday, her black eye was almost completely all hidden with make-up, although her nose had nearly doubled in size.
Taehyung walked in first and sat at a table over the corner, hiding behind a newspaper. "Helloooooo... testing, testing... one, two... Do you copy?"
"We've been through this already, oh my god," I groaned and entered the cute coffee shop, adjusting his earpiece.
I also had a hidden camera on the button of my blouse that was connected to his phone. To be honest, I didn't want to know why he used those spy gadgets for.
"Right... Oh, target at three o'clock!"
"She's literally the only one here," I gritted through my teeth, "and for god's sake, your newspaper is upside down, pabo."
Leonor raised an eyebrow in haughtiness as I took a seat across from her and unzipped my coat.
"Good, I can see her. Oh wait, move the camera a little bit to the left," he told me, and I complied. "Nooo, the other left... Now, just a little bit up, like one inch."
Rolling my eyes in exasperation, I fixed my blouse around so Taehyung could get a clear shot at her face. Leonor gave me a funny look.
"Okayyy, let's cut to the chase~" I exclaimed, and he sheepishly mumbled an apology.
"To what do I owe you this displeasure?"
"You win, Leonor... Everyone thinks I'm crazy as fuck and too ghetto for Jungkook. You. Win. I'm gonna leave South Korea, and⏤ just stay away from him and the boys... please." These words tasted so bitter on my tongue.
She then looked at me smugly and god, I just wanted to slap that smirk off her stupid face.
"Gosh, you're a bloody mess. Jungkook broke up with you, hmm?" the bitch asked in fake kindness and suddenly bent forward until her face was a few inches from mine, taking in the redness of my eyes.
"ABORT!! ABORT!!!" Taehyung whisper-shouted in my ear, making me grimace.
She leaned back into her chair and laughed, "Wow... he really did! Aww, just when I was actually starting to like #Kaikook⏤ what a shame!"
"Don't pretend like you didn't have any parts in this..."
"You're right, it was all me," she hummed with satisfaction, and this should get interesting. "You see... when there's an opportunity, I always take it. I really believed that we were BFFs, but then the boys started liking you more than me. And well... I didn't like that. The sole reason I stayed friends with you is that it was my only way was to keep seeing BTS..."
FAKE ASS BITCHHH~~~
I should've knocked the fucking daylights out of her when I had the chance. Instead, I had to imagine bashing her brains in to calm myself down.
"So, you've been pretending to be my friend and using me all summer??"
"Well, not the entire time... when you broke up with Jungkook because of me, I actually wanted to be a better friend for you. But no matter how many times I apologized or how hard I tried to make things right, you never gave me the bloody chance."
"First of all, you apologized like once over a phone call... and then I never heard from you for months until⏤ the sabotage! So that's not what I call trying! But then again, I guess there just wasn't an opportunity for you to take this time."
"Maybe not through you, but your boyf⏤ sorry, ex-boyfriend, however..." Leonor trailed off maliciously. "Although I did warn him to break up with you or things would get nasty."
"You threatened him? Why???" I gasped in shock, pretending like it was news. "Why not me, though?"
I could win a goddamn Oscar for that acting.
"Because I knew he'd ignore it, just like all the other threats he gets for being an idol. Jungkook probably has my number blocked, too."
"You're a bitch."
"Woah, woaaah, no bad words," Taehyung quickly reminded me, "but yeah... she's a bitch."
"I know," she smirked. "I even waited outside their house for days until you two went out in public. That's why I was at the ice rink and paid some stupid kid to borrow your phone for me."
"You mean stealing."
"Borrowing? Stealing? Who bloody cares? I just needed your phone to leak everything online. If I can't have any of the boys, neither will you! It's over, Makailee."
"YESSS~~" Taehyung cheered loudly, making me erupt in laughter. "I'm sending this to BigHit, right now!"
Leonor gawked at him in confusion, before her skin turned pale at the sudden realization. "Taehyung? D-Did you... record everything???"
"That's right," I grinned devilishly, showing her the spy camera. "All the proof I need to put your ass in jail! You're really the dumbest person I've ever met~"
"You wouldn't really do this," she gasped, shaking her head in disbelief.
"Oh, you just watch me," I sassed, leaving her ass alone at the table. "Enjoy your last moments of freedom, bitch!"
"You did it, KaiKai! Fighting!" Taehyung gushed and high-fived me eagerly.
Smiling, I walked over to the counter. I would really like a cup of tea right now.
・゛★⌒゛・。☆。・゛★⌒゛・
Leonor was rooting in a jail cell for twelve months. Her confession and the evidence of threats, stealing, stalking and provocation were more than enough to get her fucking locked up for a while. On top of that Big Hit sued her ugly ass. Just like she deserved.
The label also released an official statement to clear up the latest scandal and even agreed that I posted a video of myself revealing the bitch's real nature. Twitter fans apologized for judging me too quickly and stirring things up.
I couldn't believe all this shit happened in the span of 48 hours. But thank god, the scandal was all over before it got completely out of control.
Jungkook, despite this, was being more stubborn than ever. He barely showed any kind of emotion at all and was like a wall built up so high and made out of brick. Impossible to break through, except for like... a wrecking ball or earthquake.
Honestly, being under the same roof as him when he was so cold toward me felt like torture. I just wanted ⏤ needed ⏤ to get away.
So I was leaving tonight. CeCe happened to be in Seoul right now, so I'd be crashing at her place for the last week of my winter break.
My phone started ringing while I struggled to zip up my overfull suitcase.
"Hello?" I snapped, without even glimpsing at the caller ID.
"Annyeonghaseyo, Makailee-ssi. It's⏤"
"Mr. Bang PDnim!" I gasped in shock, "I'm sorry for being so rude."
"Don't worry about it," he assured me. "I've been told you're going through some hard times right now. I am deeply sorry to hear that."
"Kamsahamnida," I said sincerely, touched that he was personally contacting me.
"The boys also told me what you did to make the scandal go away... It must not have been easy. On behalf of all Big Hit, I would like to thank you."
"Well, it's honestly the least I could do for all the trouble I put you through these past days. I'd do it again for the boys if I had to."
"I truly appreciate that," he stated, and I heard the smile in his voice. "Moreover, we do not hold you accountable for anything that happened."
"Oh, I'm suuure 'Ryu-unnie' agrees on that," I scoffed sarcastically, making him chuckle.
"Ryu will have to make the best of it, for her own sake. Therefore, she won't be a problem anymore... if you decide to stay around."
"That's great to hear, but I just don't really know if it's up to me at this point, whether I stay or not..."
"You might feel like distancing yourself from my boys is for the best, but I don't agree," Bang PD admitted, his words leaving me a little speechless. "You are really good for them. We all noticed that they are different around you... happier."
"Oh, I-I don't know what to say..." I stammered quietly, getting emotional.
"Then, you don't have to say anything. I simply wanted you to know that."
I thanked him again and ended the call, letting out a little gasp. The Bang PD said that I made his boys happier, that was like a huge praise coming from him.
"Kailee-ssi, do you wanna hear a dad joke?" Jin asked me eagerly, walking in the bedroom.
"Yes!" I giggled and nodded with enthusiasm.
"Did you know that whenever I'm sad I look at my blood donor ID?"
"Nooo... why??"
"Because it says... 'B POSITIVE'~~" he cried out and instantly howled in laughter, reminding me of a windshield wiper.
His laugh was way funnier than the joke itself, making me crack up so damn hard, "Oh my g-god, it's funny! I actually feel a little better."
"I knew it'd cheer you up," he grinned and carried my baggage downstairs as I followed him.
"Do you really have to goooo??" Taehuyng whined, suddenly holding me tightly in his arms.
"I don't wanna leave you guys, but I have to..." I told them, unsure if it was me or my friends I was trying to convince the most.
"It won't be the same without you, KaiKai," Hoseok said as he pulled me in a bone-crushing squeeze.
"Please, y'all won't even notice I'm gone," I pouted teasingly and hugged the other boys. "Too busy filming RUN! BTS or preparing your comeback and shit."
"We're still gonna miss you so much," Jimin cooed in aegyo and kissed my cheek. Aww!
"Tell him I said sorry and that I love him, will you?" I asked them, slipping into my winter coat.
"Of course, we will," Namjoon said with a smile. "Jungkook loves you too, never forget that."
"He'll come around, but it might take some time," Yoongi added, and I sighed heavily.
"Yeah, I hope so..."
I didn't know what the future held, but maybe taking a little bit of distance would do us both some good for now.
☆彡
I arrived at CeCe's apartment around six PM. Her place was in the heart of the bustling streets, downtown Seoul. It looked so spacious and stylish with a touch of feminine boldness and Korean décor.
"I can't believe I had to find out that you're dating Jungkook on Twitter... Twitter!" CeCe cried out as soon as she opened the door for us.
"Well, here's an inside scoop... he broke up with me last night," I groaned, rolling my heavy suitcase inside.
"Why on earth would he do that?? You're the cutest couple ever... All those leaked pictures of you two are so perfect, it disgusts me!"
"First, where's the alcohol at?? I gonna need a whole lot of that," I chimed in, already looking through the cupboards in the kitchen.
Sprawled across her fancy sofa a few minutes later, we passed a Soju bottle around and slugged straight from it. I told her about the relationship from the start leading to the break-up.
At first, I was afraid to relive all the vivid memories and painful heartache but talking about it this time hurt a bit less.
"No way, you were dating him for five months, and he did this to you... Jungkook is kind of a dick!" she shouted, wiping the hard liquor on her chin.
"I don't know... maybe, I guess," I mumbled, clutching the diamond necklace that he gave me for Christmas. "Anyways, enough about me... since when do you live in Seoul?"
"Oh right, I'll only be here until mid-February, maybe March... I'm doing a K-Pop Invasion on my show!"
"Damn, your filthy rich daddy always pullin' through, huh?" Anna-Mae teased her, making us laugh out loud.
She FaceTimed me not long after I got to CeCe's place. So I switched the call to my Mac to drink Soju in one hand and eat onion-flavored Poka Chip in the other.
"So, who are you interviewing?" I grinned and grabbed the bottle, taking a long swig.
My face cringed at the bitter taste that tingled all the way down my throat.
CeCe snatched some papers from the glass table, reading it out loud.
GOT7. Monsta X. EXO. NCT... BLACKPINK... Red Velvet. Twice. iKon. Stray Kids.
"Of course, if you could slip in a word to Big Hit for an interview with BTS, that'd be so nice too~"
"Gotchu," I smirked, winking at her, "And that's honestly amazing! These are some of the hottest K-Pop groups~"
"Well, I could always use a gorgeous lady to host with me!" she giggled, and I squealed in excitement.
"Oh my god, I'm sooo in~"
"Fuck, m'not even here!"
"Well... sucks to be you."
"You don't like K-Pop~"
"I looove K-idols, though!" she exclaimed in mock outrage, flicking her jumbo braids in my face. "'Cause 'em boys really be out there lookin' like whole ass snacks~"
"Daaamn, you got that right. I'll drink to that!" I gushed and threw my head back, quickly chugging the alcohol.
For the rest of the evening, I turned up with my girls in the middle of the apartment while K-Pop music played through the living room. CeCe and I sang our hearts out, having a little too much Soju in our systems.
"IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SKYYYYYYYY~~" we drunkenly screamed out at the top our lungs, hugging each other. "MAZSEDCTYHINAE LIKE YOUUUUU~"
My ass was suddenly vibrating, and I screeched, before understanding it was my phone in the back pocket of my shorts. "H-Holy shit... it's⏤ it's J-Juungcoook! What d-do I dooo??"
"Ooh, tell him to choke on eight dirty, fat, hairy, chlamydia-infected dicks!" Anna-Mae sneered loudly.
CeCe cringed, sticking her tongue out as if about to puke. "Eewww, that's so g-gross~"
"Hellooo, stupid heartbreakeeeer~" I slurred into the phone while the girls bickered over something dumb.
"Baby girl, are you drunk??" he asked in concern, and I almost cried, realizing just how much I had missed the heavenly sound of his voice.
"Nooo, you don't have that right t-to call me like that anymore, even if I still love it... like a lot."
"I'm so sorry, baby girl," Jungkook teased me on purpose, making my heart skip a beat... or a hundred of them.
God, he was so infuriating. Flirting with me like nothing happened... and fuck me for enjoying that.
"Stooop it~~" I complained with a little giggle. "I wanna be mad at you!"
"So... you're not mad at me then??" he gasped in a tiny, innocent voice.
"No... uh, yes⏤" I huffed and frowned at nothing in particular. "Maybe?"
Jungkook chuckled at me, "Where are you at? Hyungs wouldn't tell me."
"Why you w-wanna know? So you can c-come over and fuck me??" I blurted out and quickly slapped a hand over my mouth in horror. "Oh my fucking g-god, I⏤"
"Actually, I'd rather make love to you," he murmured sexily, and I clutched the phone a little tighter.
"God, I want that too," I admitted, biting my lip. "I'm horny now... I really want yo⏤"
CeCe hastily snatched my phone and ran off with it, hollering, "I KNEW IT! I knew you'd be c-crawling back for her! Well, g-guess what?? She's better off without you!"
"W-Why the fuck did you say that??" I panicked and frantically ripped my phone from her hand, but she had already hung up on him. "I'm n-not... I'll never be b-better off without him, okay??"
"You really takin' him back after leaving two hours ago?? Pfft, you reek of desperation~" Anna-Mae scolded me, and I frowned at her.
"You're really one to t-talk, huh?? Like if it was Joonie, you'd b-be sucking his dick already!"
"Well yes, I love to c-choke with his monster cock to down my throat! So sue me, bitch~"
"What the actual hell..." CeCe shrieked, and we all roared in laughter so hard until tears spilled out and our stomachs hurt.
I needed this so bad after the shitshow the last two days had been. These two girls and too much alcohol really made my night.
・゛★⌒゛・。☆。・゛★⌒゛・
kaikook is dead y'all 💔