The car ride home felt like it took hours, though it only took 30 minutes. It was eerily silent. I looked out the window of the Tahoe, all the light poles, just as I remembered every year they were decorated and lit up with snowmen and candy canes. All of the neighborhoods around here were like that, everyone around here gets so into Christmas.
As we pulled into the driveway I felt relieved to be home, hoping I could go to my room and think for a while. I felt so awkward. My parents aren't the most talkative of people to begin with, between them and me, its hard to spark up a conversation. I quickly exited the car and ran for the house. Mom said " it looks like you're exited to be home." I could only answer her back with "yes".
Mom unlocked the door, we went into the living room and all of us sat down. Nobody said a word.
Finally after about fifteen minutes, my mom looked at the clock and asked my father and I what we wanted for dinner. We both looked at each other, but didn't say a word. Mom got up and went to the kitchen. On her way she said "I'll figure something out I guess".
I took this opportunity to get up and go to my bedroom. They left it just the way I remember it, a couple of old band posters on the wall, a small tv, and a twin size bed. everything looked so nice and clean though, they must have come in here and cleaned recently. There was no dust on anything, and one thing was out of place, an air freshener that was new plugged into the wall next to the bed.
At dinner time I finally got up the nerve to ask my parents "why did you send me to Crittenton?"
My parents looked at each other in utter confusion for a moment, trying to think of what to say. Finally my dad spoke "you were acting strange, and tried to hurt yourself. We thought you needed some help that's all".
We didn't speak for the rest of the meal, I knew that couldn't be the whole story. I wanted to ask more questions but the look on their faces told me they wouldn't give me any more information.
I decided after dinner I was going to start looking through some of my old journals, try to find a hint about had what happened.
All of my journals where in my room on my bookshelf, or so I thought. After searching through them several times I realized that I only had them going back about three and a half years. I started to read through them to see what I could find. Soon I noticed that the one thing in common for every entry was that I was no longer having dreams at all, and I couldn't remember the last time I had a dream, or how I ended up in the hospital in the first place.
I spent most of the night reading through my old journals, looking for any hint. I di find one hint after reading almost all of my journals, about a year ago I had a dream. It seemed rather insignificant, but what happened afterword is what got my attention. When I told Dr. Gaile he immediately changed my medications.
When I got up I started to look at the medications that I am taking.
Marplan, and Olanzapine. I started to do some research on these medications online, I found that Marplan is an antidepressant. And Olanzapine is a antipsychotic. Both types of medication are meant to fight a different type of mental illness.
Marplan; MAOI, antidepressant.
Olanzapine; antipsychotic, mostly used to treat anxiety.
Upon continuing to research these two drugs I found that, MAOI's can suppress dreams. Also that when mixed with certain other medications, such as but not limited to antipsychotic's the side effects can be more severe. In some cases can cause amnesia. Also it can be life threatening to mix these types of medications in certain cases, mostly at higher doses.
I think this may be part of the reason I was there. Now I just need to figure out what the main cause was.
I started to do research on amnesia, trying to find a cure for it. I didn't find anything that really seemed like it would work. after a while of searching the internet, looking for any kind of information on situations like mine, I came across an article that said to stop taking all of my medications. According to the article, if I stop taking the medications my memories may return in time.
I thought about this for a while. I am scared to stop taking my medications cause I'm scared of what might happen if I do, on the other hand I am curious of what I might remember. I went back to the article to read it again. That's when I realized the most important med it was talking about was the MAOI. I thought about it for a while longer.
If I stop taking the antidepressant I may recover my memories. And I don't have to stop taking the antipsychotic for anxiety.
Perhaps I should give this a try for a little while, if it doesn't work and I don't get my memories back I can start taking it again.