"JungKook? What are you doing here?" I ask, stopping in my tracks.
My best friend was standing at a few feet in front of me, being obviously surprised to see me. He was holding a paper bag that had the symbol of a pharmacy on it. What is going on here?
I've been discharged from the hospital today and I was ready to leave when I ran into him at the entrance of the hall.
"Son? What-..."
I turn around and I see mr. Jeon peaking from a room, surprised to see me. I don't have a good feeling about this.
"JungKook, what is going on?" I ask doubtfully.
"Uh, Yuna, I can't..."
He doesn't finish his sentence but he walks past me, going towards the room his father was in. You're not running away, honey. Not this time.
"Are you helping your mom?" I ask knowing that his mom works at this hospital and he stops, turning his head towards me.
"I guess..."
I sigh exasperated.
"JungKook, stop lying to me for God's sake! Do you think I don't know that your mom was actually home back then when you hit your head..."
"She wasn't home, okay?" He says, turning towards me.
I frown and he averts his gaze.
"I-..." He begins and sighs. "It's okay, believe me."
"Right now I can't." I speak. "Because I have all the reasons it's not okay."
He closes his eyes, taking deep breaths. I'm pushing way too much.
Now or never though.
I wait, holding my breath.
"Mom... was diagnosed with leukemia."
I step back, my eyes widening.
"W-what?" I whisper.
He doesn't say anything, looking at his boots. For a few seconds, it's like the time has stopped. The air gets stuck in my lungs and I can't move. However, when I wake up from my frozen state, I step towards him and hug him tightly. He wraps his arms around me and I hear him silently sobbing.
"Kookie baby you should've told me earlier, I should've been by your side..." I whisper.
"It's alright..." he whispers with sorrow in his voice.
It hurts me.
"JungKook?"
It was his dad.
"I'm sorry, I really have to go." JungKook whispers pulling away. "I'll talk to you later, okay?"
I nod and let him leave.
I can't leave him.
I can't leave him like that.
I can't break up with him now.
And I go to find my brother and return home.
***
My hands were shaking hard on the hot mug of steaming tea. My lips were trembling and cold seemed to take over me.
I knew it, I knew that there was something wrong with mrs. Jeon, I knew that something bad was going on-...
Hoseok takes the mug from my hands carefully and places it on the coffee table in front of us. Truth is, considering the way my hands were shaking, I could've dropped the mug anytime. But now I didn't know what to do with my hands, I was fidgeting in an uncontrollable way and I couldn't breathe properly.
His mom can't die. She can't die. He needs her. JungKookie needs his mother and he doesn't deserve the pain he's going through. His mother can't die. It's not fair. He needs her.
I don't want him to go through what I have. He doesn't deserve this.
He really doesn't deserve this.
He deserves to be happy.
I break in sobs and cries, intending to cry to the point my whole body feels numb. Maybe this way I'll be able to get rid of the bad thoughts. I feel arms wrapping around me, but I'm not even sure who that is, I can't even open my eyes. The tears just come and come and I feel my face getting swollen, I feel that kind of fever heat taking over my body and I try to wipe my tears over and over again but they just don't stop from falling.
Eventually, my whole body feels sore and a terrible headache hits me. I adjust my position in such way that I can lie on the sofa I was sitting on and my brother stands up.
After that, a heavy sleep takes over me.
***
I wake up in darkness. The moonlight was the only source of lighting in the room so I guessed I slept for quite some time.
I try to sit and I hear voices coming from the kitchen. I frown and stand up slowly, trying not to lose my balance. I was trying to watch my feet, but it was too dark for that. Therefore the only good thing I could do was hope I won't trip over anything.
As I was getting closer, I could hear the conversation better.
"Yeah, it's set to start at the beginning of next year..."
Jimin?
"How long will it last?"
That's my brother.
And I guess they're having one of their boring conversations again.
"I don't know..."
What are they talking about, though? I get closer to the kitchen, hiding behind the wall to eavesdrop their conversation.
"I see." I hear my brother saying. "Have you told her?"
Silence.
"Jimin." Hoseok sighs, confirming my assumptions regarding the identity of the other person.
"I know, hyung..." Jimin says. "Don't worry about that."
"Hello." I say as I step in the kitchen, both my brother and Jimin looking at me surprised.
I spot a steaming mug on the counter, behind the table the two boys were sitting at and I step towards it to check if it's my tea.
"Is this my tea?" I ask, looking at the dark liquid.
"Yes..." I hear my brother saying.
I take the mug in my hands, assuming my brother has prepared another cup of tea for me, because the one I was supposed to drink before I fell asleep surely turned cold. I take a sip while turning around to look at the two boys drown in silence now.
"What?" I ask, a bit annoyed.
Hoseok shakes his head without saying anything.
"How are you feeling?" Jimin asks me and I look at him.
I blink. Should I lie or tell the truth?
Screw the beautiful lies.
"Horrible." I answer.
Then I glance at my brother.
"Have you told him?" I ask and he lifts his head to look at me.
"I have." He answers and I nod.
Then, I take my mug and exit the kitchen, leaving them without saying a word.
I leave the house and I walk towards the backyard, where my greenhouse was. I sit on the little bench in front of it and take another sip from my tea. It's a cold night and the hoodie I'm wearing doesn't keep me enough warm. But somehow, I don't really mind because it feels like the cold wind has the ability to wake me up and clear my mind.
I feel somebody sitting near me and because the bench wasn't too long, the distance between our bodies was so little that I could feel his body heat irradiating like light.
"That tea might make you feel better but it won't make you immune to a cold tonight, trust me." Jimin says laying a soft but heavy material over my shoulders.
I lift my left hand so I can help him and I feel the fluffy material of my blanket. I smile. After all, maybe I needed this source of heat.
"Thanks." I say and he nods.
I sigh while analyzing the pattern on my mug.
"I can't break up with him, Jimin." I say, breaking the anticipation that was flying between us. "I-I don't know, it's like fate arranged things in such way..."
He doesn't say anything. I sigh, gathering my ideas to continue.
"I can't leave him now." I say. "Even though I should've done this long ago and basically, I could've done it anytime... I can't do it now..."
"You do realize you have no obligation to break up with anybody, right?" he says.
"Actually I have." I say irritated. "I have an obligation towards myself."
He turns his head to look at me and I sigh once again.
"I shouldn't have... dated him in the first place, I guess. But I can't change that. All I can do is let him go as soon as possible, he doesn't deserve to be trapped in my world..."
Jimin chuckles.
"Yuna, he made his own choice by dating you. I doubt you forced him."
"I haven't." I say. "But I lied to him..."
"And you think he hasn't figured that out yet?" He smiles.
I look at him stunned in place and he shakes his head.
"He's not dumb, you know-..."
"I haven't said anything like that." I defend myself.
Then it clicks to me.
"What aren't you telling me?" I ask, narrowing my eyes.
He chuckles again.
"Tell me!" I say but he just shakes his head smiling.
I pout, but I decide to ignore his laughs and take a sip of my tea.
"I don't want him to experience what I've been through." I whisper when he calms down.
It's Jimin's turn to sigh. He puts his arm over my shoulder, pulling me towards his chest. I give in and lean my head to his chest. He caresses my hair and somehow I feel safe.
"He won't." Jimin whispers. "Everything will be alright eventually, you'll see."
I believe him.
I close my eyes and let the cold wind caress my cheeks. It feels nice and it makes me feel at peace with myself somehow. Like everything will truly be alright as long as Jimin keeps holding me this way.
You're in love, aren't you...?
I guess I have been for a long time now, but I just thought it's better to keep the feelings drown in denial, thinking that maybe this way, they will eventually go away. It was in vain.
"Yuna..." I hear Jimin saying and I lift my head to look at him.
He takes out a necklace from under his sweatshirt. My necklace.
He looks at it for a few seconds, with a small smile on his lips and then sighs.
"I can't keep this." He says, slowly lifting his hands to unlock it.
I hold his right wrist, stopping his action.
"Why not?" I ask.
"I... I don't know." He says. "It's really important to you and I have no right to keep it... I didn't know what it meant to you back when I chose it as reward."
I smile and pull his hand down.
"That's exactly why you have to trust me that I wouldn't have given it to you if I hadn't really wanted to."
I change my position on the bench, bringing my left leg under me so I could turn towards Jimin completely.
"Yes, it is important to me." I say. "But so are you. And I believe you'll take care of it, even though..."
I avoid my gaze. Even though I might not be so important to you.
Truth is I've been thinking about it ever since last night. I gave him the necklace, telling him he'd won, somehow expecting him to disagree and give me the assurance that he'd also fallen for me. But I guess, we're not living in a fairytale. And the boy you love won't always love you back. Despite the fact the fact that I could've sworn it wasn't one-sided, I guess I was wrong.
And I'm trying so hard not to make a big deal out of it. I'm trying so hard not to be pathetic and act like that kind of girl who cries just because her crush doesn't have a crush on her as well. I'm trying to play it cool so the atmosphere between us isn't awkward. If he proves me he's not in love with me, I should be able to get rid of these feelings soon enough.
And it would've been perfect if he had. But with every second passing, we just seem to get closer and closer. How the hell can I play it cool when Jimin looks at me like he'd want to undress me with his eyes? How can I ignore the fact that he's swallowing hard whenever I touch him? How can I think he's not in love with me if every time I needed him, he's been there? How can I believe he doesn't love me if last week we were inches away from kissing? If he says that he doesn't care about JungKook, the one who's supposed to be my boyfriend?
I already did but you're too busy making me seem heartless to realize that.
There are hints in every second I spend with him, but the worst part of all is that there's a part of me saying that, despite all these hints, he's not in love with me. And because of that, I tend to think he's just messing with me. And I'm afraid to believe that everything he does is a lie, an act. It's not that I can't believe that. It's that I don't want to.
"Even though?" He asks with curiosity.
I laugh it off.
"No, nothing." I say and try to smile. "Think of it as of a... gift from the princess you've saved, knight."
He chuckles. The smile from my lips fades as I watch his facial features.
"But the princess also saved me, I thought we were quits." He smiles.
He looks at me, analyzing my face and just then I realize I was staring. I close my eyes and sigh.
"Maybe, but the princess thinks you deserve to have the honor of wearing her flower necklace." I say.
He chuckles lightly, but we soon dive in silence. But surprisingly, it isn't awkward at all.
"Also..." He says after a while. "I'm sorry for what I said at the party. I... I didn't even mean what I said, I think I was just surprised that you were digging deeper than I intended to let you..."
"You had your point." I say, avoiding my gaze.
"Yeah, but..." he sighs. "I don't know, I think... I think I was actually mad at myself and I let it out on you, you didn't deserve that..."
"It's alright." I sigh. "I think we both said some things that we didn't mean that night."
He nods, while looking at me, trying to understand if I'm being serious or sarcastic.
However, his gaze lands on my lips eventually. Then he looks me in the eyes. For a second, I can't breathe.
"Yuna." He says so low that it feels like a whisper.
"What?" I say.
"I am going to ask you something and you have to be honest with me and answer with yes or no. Okay?" He says with a spark of caution in his voice, as if he was holding back from something.
"O-okay." I whisper and I wait for ask me whatever he wants.
At this point, he didn't even have to ask me to be honest with him, I would've told him the truth anyway. He has me wrapped around his finger and I know that's not good for my sanity. But can I help it? Can I unlove him? Can I be immune to him?
I can't.
"Right now... do you give a damn about Seulgi?" he asks me and I blink for a few times.
Do I give a damn about Seulgi?
To be honest?
"No." I say.
"Okay." He whispers. "This time, I'm not going to give a damn about JungKook either."
And that's the last thing I remember before his lips crash onto mines.
For a second, I'm stunned, I can't move, I can't breathe, I can't do anything. But as his lips are devouring me, it's like he's giving me life, killing me and bringing me back to life once again. I kiss him back. He wraps his arms around my waist and I hold onto his shoulders, to have something I could hold onto. Because all of this feels overwhelming, intense and breathtaking, like I could faint in any second.
Such a beautiful clash between teeth, lips and blood.
There's some kind of fever between our lips, like it's the game we were forbidden to play and now we finally get to see what it's all about. There is ruthlessness, because every single breath we're sharing is making me feel more and more alive, more awake than I have ever been. I feel the same desire I felt back when we were about to kiss...
But unlike that evening among the chandeliers, our spark doesn't die down.
It turns into a fire.
Somehow I end up on his lap, with my legs wrapped around his waist, our faces inches apart, trying to breathe normally again. The blanket I was wearing over my shoulders was dropped on the cold ground, but could we care? Of course not.
My cold hands were cupping his face, lightly tracing his skin, moving on to the contour of his swollen plump lips. I lightly touch his lips and realize the lower one is bleeding. Pretty wild, aren't you?
He doesn't seem to mind, though.
My heart is beating so fast that I doubt he can't hear it.
No matter what happens, that's it. This couldn't be an act. This was real. My assumptions are real. Whatever is going on between us, it's real. And nothing can make me feel in any other way anymore.
"Yuna?"
In half a second, both me and Jimin are standing up, me looking for the blanket on the ground and him, pretending to be helping me, even though his lip was bruised and his hands, like mine were still shaking. I almost trip over my own legs while bending down to pick up the blanket, but eventually, we're both standing straight, smiling to Hobi who was chuckling, very amused by the whole situation.
I suddenly remember I was supposed to hold a mug and look for pieces on the ground, but luckily, I had the inspiration to put it on the bench when it all... started.
"JungKook called." Hoseok says and I suddenly feel dizzy. "He said he'd like to meet you at the café down the street because apparently, you two have some stuff to talk about. I picked up because you... obviously couldn't..."
He emphasizes the last two words, looking at me and Jimin. I roll my eyes.
Great, now he's going to mention this until I die.
If he saw it all, at least he can shut up and pretend like he didn't.
"Okay." I say and prepare myselffor what this night has reserved for me.
___
I am writing the last chapter of "Buy me flowers" tonight.
And I'm crying.