"I have wandered all my life, and I have also traveled; the difference between the two being this, that we wander for distraction, but we travel for fulfillment." – Hilaire Belloc
•••
The walk back to the cabin was quiet and awkward to say the least. Part of me hoped we'd discuss what happened on the cliff, but Della didn't mention it. In fact, she acted as though it hadn't happened. Other than things being abnormally silent, there was no indication that anything had happened at all.
As I stomped down the beaten trail alongside Della, my head full of rattled thoughts, I shoved my hands in my pockets. For once in my life, I longed to have something to say. Some kind of not-lame comment to make about the weather or something equally as mundane to break the tension. But as it was, I was speechless. And Della was obviously not going to budge. Her eyes were fixed on everything but me, her slender arms were crossed over her chest, and her purple hair blew into her eyes but she didn't bother to push it away.
This worried me a little because Della was always the one pushing for me to talk about my feelings. Why wasn't she encouraging me to talk about them now? And why did I have to care so much? Maybe she was thinking things over. Or maybe she's conflicted because of Derrick. Or maybe she doesn't...
Dude, chill. You literally just met, don't rush into anything. She's probably as freaked out as you are.
Either way, I wasn't going to totally ruin everything by saying anything about it. If Della wanted to talk, she'd talk... right?
The only conversation we had during that period of time occurred when Della's breathing began to grow noticeably heavy again. I said nothing until she stumbled a little and I grabbed her elbow to steady her.
"You okay?" I asked, barely loud enough to hear.
She nodded briefly. "It's all good. Just winded."
Things didn't improve much once we got back to the cabin. Upon crossing the threshold, Della made a beeline up to the loft and disappeared from sight. I was tempted to follow her, but I knew that this was probably not the best time to "talk it out." It was a painfully difficult decision, but instead of following my gut, I went into the den with my guitar and began to play absentmindedly.
The tune that I'd had in my brain as I drifted off to sleep the night before came back to me and I hummed along as I plucked at the guitar strings. It was pretty... soft, sweet, and vaguely folksy-sounding. It almost reminded me a little of a Vance Joy-style song. Before I'd realized what I was doing, I had constructed a sequence for the verses and half of a chorus.
I probably would've finished weaving the chords together if I'd not heard a sound from upstairs. I stealthily placed my guitar on the couch and tiptoed to the foot of the stairs to listen. The sound repeated.
It was a sob.
A heartbroken, half-stifled sob.
My stomach dropped into my knees. I slid my socked feet up the stairs two at a time until I reached the carefully closed door. As I put my ear up against it, I better heard Della crying on the other side.
This wasn't like any of the other times I'd heard Della cry on this trip. These gut-wrenching sobs were different than any I'd ever heard before. They were raw, painful, and broken.
I instantly felt like the biggest idiot in the world.
Just like that, I had completely ruined everything I had with Della by saying how I felt earlier. No, not just ruined—utterly annihilated. All because I didn't keep my mouth shut.
I felt my heart sink as I heard Della's tears grow quieter and calmer. She had worn herself out by crying these past few days, so I was shocked she had any more tears left to cry. The thought only made me feel worse to know I was the cause of this new flood of heart-wrenching sobs.
I was tempted to sneak back down the stairs to let Della have her privacy, but that wasn't going to cut it. This was my fault and I had to be the one to fix it. It was going to suck, but I had to take back what I said on the cliff. It was the only way to fix this.
Clenching my jaw and trying to monitor my breathing, I cracked open the door and peeked inside. Della was sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed with her scrapbook laid out next to her and a Sharpie in her hand. In between gulps for air, she scribbled a thing or two and then would take a moment to breathe, followed by another scribble or two. She kept doing this until she finally seemed satisfied and calm. After the majority of her post-crying hiccups had abated, she popped the lid back on the Sharpie and just stared at the scrapbook, almost reverently.
It was then, in this serious moment, that gravity decided to work against me... and I slipped and fell face-first into the room, flinging open the door in front of me.
Della shrieked in alarm and I bellowed in pain as my nose made sweet contact with the hardwood floor.
Before helping me up, Della swiped at her tear stained face and slammed the cover to her scrapbook. "What. The. Heck. Jason."
"Sorry!" I groaned, pinching the bridge of my nose and collapsing at the foot of the bed. "I tripped."
"Duh!" she sniffled, "You nearly gave me a heart attack."
"I'm sorry..." I exhaled. "Seriously."
We said nothing for a moment, but then Della cleared her throat. "So what were you doing in the hallway?"
"Uhm..." I rubbed my neck awkwardly. "I was coming up here to check on you."
"And?" She asked this unemotionally as if she knew the answer already.
"... I thought I heard you crying, so I tried to make sure it was safe to come in and then I slipped. So yeah."
I found it impossible to make eye contact with her at this point. But out of my peripheral vision, I saw that she wasn't looking at me either, which made me feel a little better.
"Della, seriously, I'm really sorry if I... if I did something that upset you. I promise I didn't mean anything by it."
She quickly turned to look at me. "You didn't do anything wrong, Jason."
"Okay, but I kind of did, apparently," I retorted. "I... said what I said and did what I did. And as soon as that happened, you came up here and cried. So I'm obviously at fault for something. Whatever it was that upset you, I'm sorry and I won't do it again. Seriously, I won't."
After a serious pause, Della audibly scoffed. "You're such an idiot."
I spun my head. "Excuse me?"
Della rolled her eyes so hard, I thought they'd drop out of her head. "Everything's not about you, Lovett. Gosh, you're so perfect for the Los Angeles scene. They'll make a diva out of you yet."
"Excuse me??" my brow furrowed in bewilderment. I was trying to freaking apologize and there was Della, making fun of me!
Della huffed and folded her arms, pulling her knees into her chest again. "Listen, Lovett, I'm not mad. Okay? Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm just... struggling right now. Emotionally. And I'm not sure how to process everything. It's not your fault."
"Then please tell me," I pleaded, finally past the point of caring anymore. "You have too many secrets, Della. I'm tired of feeling like I'm in the dark here. And it's not fair for you to play around with my emotions and get me to tell you my secrets when you can't even tell me the first of yours."
Della pursed her lips. "Let's just not worry about it, okay? I just want to enjoy—"
"—what about what I want?" I interrupted, staring into her soul for once. "I've gone along with your every whim this whole trip, Della. I'm not gonna lie, it's been fun. Most of it, anyway. But I know you've been hiding stuff this whole time and I'm sick of the half-assed excuses. Please just talk to me."
Della blinked and breathed shakily. "Jason, what we have right now is great. This... whatever it is. This trip. This adventure. And I just want to savor every single moment of it. But if I tell you everything, it'll ruin it forever. If nothing else, I can promise you that without a doubt."
"I can handle it," I insisted. "It doesn't matter, I promise. I don't care. Whatever it is, I can take it."
She smiled unsteadily. "I'm sure you can, Jason... but I can't."
"Why?" I begged, feeling my heart ache with longing and frustration. "Just help me to understand. I wouldn't ask if I didn't care, Della. You know that much about me."
Della heaved the heaviest of sighs. "I know, Jason."
She seemed exhausted and defeated as her head rested on her folded arms that balanced on her knees. "Jason, if you promise to not ask me again on this trip, I'll tell you everything you want to hear after you perform in LA. But not a moment before."
I stared in disbelief. Had I actually won this argument? Finally?
"You promise that?" I questioned, raising an eyebrow. "No tricks?"
Della hesitated for a moment. "You go win that contest and wow the judges, and then we'll talk afterward. Deal?"
I almost didn't believe my luck, but I didn't want to let this offer slip away. "Fine. Deal."
•••
I poured another cup of coffee, standing in my socked feet in the kitchen. The rest of the afternoon had passed quietly. I'd finished the chorus of the song I was piecing together. It was sounding really nice so far, but I was still lacking words and a bridge, and who knows when I'd be happy with those.
In the den, some song I'd never heard by an artist I didn't know played on the record player, drifting into the kitchen with me. I wished it would've taken my mind off of everything, but as it was, I was more confused now that ever before. And on top of that, I was anxious.
Nothing really was resolved, but Della behaved as though it had been. She eventually reverted back to herself for the most part, her tiredness excluded from that. She never even mentioned the hand-holding incident.
Part of me was relieved, but the other part of me was going absolutely insane.
GOSHDANGIT, WAS THE HAND-HOLDING OKAY OR NAH??
As I reached the halfway point on my coffee, Della suddenly slipped behind me into the kitchen and giggled as I nearly spilled my coffee in surprise.
"Payback," she smiled, propping up against the counter behind her.
"I guess we're even then," I scoffed, taking another sip from my mug.
"Mhmm..." Della nodded, but after a moment of standing there, her eyes just wandered the floor around me.
I soon caught myself watching her as she searched the floor for something to fill the silence. She had changed into an oversized sweatshirt and her hair was a glorious mess. Her shiny face, freshly cleaned after the crying mishap, glowed softly in the warm light of the kitchen. She was beautiful. In every sense of the word. There was no denying it.
"I love this song," she breathed suddenly, looking up from the floor.
I snapped out of my reverie. "Huh?"
"This song... I really like it. Have you ever heard it before?"
"I don't think so. What is it?"
"'Come Away With Me' by Norah Jones. I can't believe you haven't heard it before. It's really beautiful."
I listened to the gentle song playing in the den. It was a perfect slow dancing song. Like textbook perfect. The rhythm was right and so was the mood. "Yeah, it is..."
Della and I waited there in the kitchen, looking at each other with a kind of expectancy one might liken to two high school students at their first prom. I wasn't sure how to ask her, not after what happened earlier today.
But luckily, I didn't have to say anything.
And neither did she.
Without a word, Della took two steps towards me, closing the distance between us, and wrapped her arms around me in a deep hug. It felt all at once apologetic and forgiving as if to say 'we don't have to say a single word about any of it. It's all okay.'
In a silent response, I wrapped my arms around her, still holding my coffee cup in one hand. Slowly and carefully, I began to sway back and forth, little by little, carrying her with me. Eventually, she followed suit and began slow dancing with me, her head resting securely on my chest.
"Thank you," she whispered into my shirt.
"For what?" I mumbled into her hair.
"For everything."
••••••••••••
I told you guys I'd be back. *wink* I hope you enjoyed this chapter! I know I did. I cannot believe this story is nearly finished. I believe it will be done this week if nothing goes wrong. So be sure to turn your notifications on for P+P so you don't miss the final chapters!
Lemme know what you thought of this chapter! Favorite moment?
Enjoy the song? (Be sure to check out the Spotify Playlist if you haven't already! I added some new songs this week.)
Please, please, PLEASE be sure to vote, comment, and share this so we can get this story trending for the finale, okay?? We can do it.