hi guys. I haven't updated in a hot minute, and if you read my announcement thingy it explains why.
but while I was on my little Wattpad break....
we. hit. ONE THOUSAND READS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
HOLY SCHNITZLEPUFFS WE REACHED MY GOAL OF 1K AND I'M NOT EVEN DONE WITH THE BOOK!!!
I seriously love you all so much.
hope you enjoy this chapter, the first update of 2019 ( i have no idea what i was thinking when i wrote this chapter i just threw random schtuff together and wrote til 2k words, then kept writing cuz i wasn't done yet lol okay this chapter is prob the worst one i've written but also one of the longest so don't hate me thanks for listening to my rant okay bye <3)
~JJ :)
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Silence.
It was so quiet, you could literally hear a pin drop.
Or the birds chirping in the trees above.
Or an ASMR video at minimum volume.
So, being me, I cleared my throat.
"What?" I asked, my clear voice ringing throughout the front quad.
"Shut the fuck up, bitch," snarled Alyssa.
"Is there a problem, ladies?" I asked, taken aback by her aggressive response.
McKayla spoke after a few seconds. "Bitch, you're the problem here."
"Bitch? Oh WOW, I'm SO offended," I gasped dramatically before narrowing my eyes again. "I think you need to leave me alone, and find some new insults while you're at it."
"Well, it describes what you are," smirked Alyssa.
I laughed sarcastically. "You know, what if I want to be a female canine?"
"The fuck you wanna be that for?" she demanded, clearly confused. "You wanna be a useless mutt that I can kick around?"
"Nah. It'd be so I can rip your head off with my teeth and then pee on you afterwards," I joke with a playful smirk on my face, causing ripples of laughter throughout the crowd.
Alyssa looked extremely pissed, but McKayla seemed completely unfazed. "Psycho bitch, just fuck off and leave my goddamn school!" Satan yelled. "You've caused so much trouble and disturbed the peace I've had for years!"
I sighed. "No thank you."
McKayla stormed up the steps to meet me face to face. "How about listen to Alyssa and get the fuck out?"
"I have just as much right to be here as you do," I stated simply.
"Not after you stole Zack from me," she snarled.
Ro, who was silently observing this the whole time with a calculating glare, chose this moment to speak up.
"It's not her fault that your personality stinks more than moldy cow shit," she shot back. "Have you ever considered maybe that's why Zack fell for Raven? Do something else other than play your bullshit mind games, and leave us alone. You both are just desperate and jealous."
"Who the fuck do you think you are?" screeched Alyssa, who had joined McKayla at the top of the stairs.
Ro shrugged innocently, but that didn't stop a smirk from forming across her face. "The same girl who used to play Barbies with you when we were in kindergarten."
I choked on air.
That's pretty hilarious, if you ask me.
"I did NOT play with Barbies! I played with makeup since I was five!" Alyssa clenched her fist, looking as if she were about to give someone a black eye.
"Then why does your eyeliner still suck donkey feet?" I questioned, dumbfounded, throwing my hands up in the air.
"Oh, BURN!" someone shouted.
"I'm going to fucking kill you!" Alyssa stormed towards me. At almost a whole head taller, she attempted to intimidate me, which of course failed.
I could never take this blonde little Satan seriously.
"Fight me, nuthead," I taunted.
I was seriously enjoying this.
I opened my mouth to let out a string of insults -
"RAVEN! WATCH OUT!" shouted Ro.
Whipping my head in her direction to see what I was going on, my eyes widened as I realized I was too late.
I went tumbling down the stairs and the last thing my brain registered was a loud bang before my vision went black.
***
"Raven?"
"Raven?" the familiar voice repeats.
No way....
I haven't heard this voice in so long that it surprised me.
It can't be her. No fudging way. It's not possible...
"Stop... there's now way," I mumble to myself.
The beautiful melody of her laugh wafts its way to my ears. Oh, how I missed hearing that sound...
"Raven, just open your eyes."
The heavy drooping of my eyelids makes it nearly impossible to do so, but I manage to force my eyes open.
I gasp as I take in the sight before me. It is a clear evening, and the sun is about to set. Purple, orange, and pink streak across the darkening sky. I look around and see trees to one side of me and feel lush grass beneath my feat, coming to the realization that I am at the edge of a forest. To the other side is a grassy green meadow with daisies speckling the rolling hills. A dirt trail leads towards the setting sun, and another leads into a cloud of gray fog in the entryway of the forest.
A girl slowly emerges from the fog, slowly stepping out of the darkness and walking towards where I sit in the meadow. She has beautiful caramel skin and obsidian black hair tied into two dutch braids. Her chocolate eyes swim with pure admiration and love.
"Elise?" My jaw drops in utter shock. "Is that... you? What the..."
Ellie smiles and wraps me into a tight hug. "Yes, Ray, it's me."
I can't do anything to stop my tears from coming, so I let them flow into her pink gauzy dress. She even smells like the same perfume she wore ever day.
I can't believe my best friend is here, standing right in front of me, holding me, telling me it's okay.
"Ellie, I'm so, so, so sorry," I sob into her shoulder. "I hate myself so goddamn much for what I did to you. I have no excuses, it was my fault and I-"
"Oh, Raven," sighs Ellie. "It was not your fault. It tore me apart to see you break like that after the accident... especially when you convinced yourself my death was because of you. But believe me, it wasn't."
I pause. "But... if only I hadn't went -"
"No," Ellie cut me off, shaking her head and letting me free from our embrace. "It does not matter what those other bitches said. It wasn't your fault, Raven, get that into your head. Now that you're hearing the words from me, please believe it," she begs, holding my shoulders and giving me a pleading look.
I give myself one more chance to make sure Ellie is telling the truth. "But if I haven't gone to that stupid party-"
"No," she repeats. "Don't blame yourself for a single second, okay? I don't have much time left with you, so let's stop arguing."
I smiled through my tears. "Okay, I'll stop."
Ellie grins back. "Good. By the way, I'm right."
"I miss you so much. I think of you every day and my entire life changed after that happened."
"I watch over you every day, but that's not really what I'm here to tell you. I wanted to say that I'm so proud of you for staying alive, even though you almost took your chances away."
I flinch at the last part of her sentence, and she notices. She gives my hand a quick squeeze and continues.
"People need you in their lives, Ray. Your mom loves you more than you can ever imagine, you're Ro's only reason to stay at Rosewood High, and you're healing Zack from the inside and out. He's so grateful for you and he would never want to let you go."
I give her a weird look. "How do you know about Zack?"
"I watch over you, remember?" she replies, grinning. "You really like Zachary, don't you?"
I nod immediately. "He's so good to me... Ellie, he makes me feel again. I spent most of my time after the accident trying to numb my feelings so I wouldn't experience the pain of losing you all over again. I don't know what I did to have such a wonderful person in my life."
"Do you love him?" she asks abruptly, causing me to freeze.
Love? Do I love Zachary Anderson?
I take a deep breath, letting the memories of the past month and a half wash over me. The very first day we met eyes in the hallway, the same day where he watched me experience a brutal panic attack and carried me to the nurse's office, when he got jealous and we had ignoring wars, all the times I went to his house to study and throw cheese balls at each other, when he took care of me after the Alyssa drama, all of our study hall coffee dates and near-kissing experiences, to our fights over Garrett and the hugs and forehead kisses and his cockiness and kindness and stubborness and his jealousy and his emerald green eyes and the little moments that I wanted to stay in forever...
"Yes."
Ellie smiles and claps her hands like a five year old. "It's about dang time you admitted it!"
I cover my face with my hands. "Stop," I groan.
"Raven and Zack, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-"
"Stop!" I whine, burying my face deeper into my hands.
"Fine, fine," laughs Ellie. "But now that we got that over with, I have something to show you."
Curious, I peek up at her from my hands. She pulls them away from my face and I yelp.
"Come on, look." She links her arm with mine and leads me through a cloud of white mist.
***
There is a woman lying on a hospital bed, holding a baby. She has black hair and deep blue eyes. Standing next to her is a man with blue eyes and brown hair.
"They look like my mom and father-" I stop suddenly mid-speech.
"That's because they are, tomato head," smirked Ellie.
I smiled at the old nickname she gave back in third grade when my face turned a deep red after being embarrassed after being teased by a boy.
"Oh shut up, you stupid head," I joked back, returning my eyes to the scene.
Seeing my parents looking so crazy in love, with my father full of adoration and soft-hearted, makes a few tears slip out of my eyes.
"It's hard to believe that Father wasn't always..." I trail off, not wanting to continue the sentence.
Ellie gives me a sad smile. "People change... he did, but for the worse."
She averts her attention back to vision and changes the scene with a snap of her fingers.
Vincent, Andrew, Ellie, and I are all sitting on the floor of Ellie's living room and playing Egyptian war.
"Oh, how I miss this day," I sigh.
This was back before the accident in which Ellie died, before Andrew left me and Vincent cheated on me and broke my heard and before I attempted...
Funny how times change.
"Me too," Ellie agrees, her voice cracking from unshed tears. "Sometimes, I wish I were still alive. But I know that it's my destiny to be here. After all, you need someone to watch over you."
"Typical optimistic Ellie, always looking at the bright side," I commented, unable to stop the smile spreading across my face. Ah, the memories.
In the scene before us, past me slaps the pile, taking Vincent's Ace along with the other cards.
"Hah," the past me taunts. "In your face, bitch."
I cringe at my vulgar language.
"Fuck you," he said. "I'll get you back for this."
All of a sudden, he launches himself at me and pins me to the ground. Past me yelps in surprise as she falls back onto the soft rug, causing Andrew and Ellie to laugh.
"You're just salty that I won," past me teases and sticks her tongue out at him.
"Maybe I am," he says, and kisses me softly.
I cringe again, this time at the fact that I had let him kiss me even though he had cheated on me multiple times before I found out.
"Maybe this is too much for you," admits Ellie as she changes the scene.
Loud rap music blares from the contemporary-style house. Red solo cups are littered across the lawn, and silhouettes of people dancing are visible through the large glass windows of the house.
It's the night of the party, Gabriella's party, the night that changed my life forever.
A short time jump of an hour or so occurs, and the scene shifts slightly. I'm sitting outside in her backyard, on one of the tree swings when a tall figure with shaggy hair walks over towards.
Before I can register anything else, my conscience forces me to squeeze my eyes shut. Ellie immediately cancels the scene and asks me what's wrong.
"Why are you showing me this?" I whisper. "I have PTSD from this stupid-ass-"
Ellie snaps her fingers and we are back to the place we first met again.
"Raven. Have you noticed that your major anxiety attacks have slowly been fading? That they don't come as often as they used to? I know you still get them here and there, but they're definitely not as serious as before. Think about it," she states, searching my eyes for any signs.
I stop mid-breath, allowing my brain to process her words.
I haven't had a panic attack since the whole locker fiasco... I've felt oncoming ones but have been able to stop them.
"You're right, Ellie. But, why?"
"Zack," she declares, smiling. "He's helping you to realize your self worth, to show you that you are loved. Have you noticed that you've been happier lately, too? That you look forward to school every day now, despite hating the shit out of calculus?"
Her words are hitting me hard.
"Yes," I reply. "But I don't deserve to be happy, Ellie. I don't deserve to be happy when I ruined your life, your future."
"Bullshit, Ray, that's complete and utter bullshit!" she exclaims in disbelief, throwing her hands up in the air. "If you're happy, I'm happy. It's that simple."
I wipe tears from my eyes as Ellie crushes me into a tight embrace. "I'm so proud of you for coming so far. I know what you went through and I wish I could have done something to help you. But now that you've accepted that my death wasn't your fault, it's time for you to go even further. Go back, Raven. Go to the direction of the setting sun... hurry. It will take you back to your life. Don't go to the mist, don't follow me there. If you do, you'll lose everything you've worked for and struggled through," she warns.
"I want to go with you," I say without thinking.
Ellie looks me dead in the eye. "No, not for another hundred years. You have a long life ahead of you. Go back. Fight for the ones who love you... make more memories, be with them as long as you can. I guarantee that if you come with me now, you'll never see them again, but if you go... I'll be here, waiting, when your time comes."
Tears blur my vision. "I love you so much, Ellie."
"I love you more, Raven. You are the bestest friend I could ever wish for and I wouldn't have wanted to spend my short life with anyone else. Don't ever forget what we talked about here today."
With those words, she disappears in the mist that she told me not to follow her into.
And that's all it takes to let go.
I'm free. I'm free from the chains of the past with Ellie, I'm free from Gabriella's torture, I'm free from the people accusing me of being a murderer.
But most of all, the guilt has been lifted off my chest, and all that remain are the good times.
I don't blame myself for Ellie's death anymore.
I take a deep breath, letting my brain process what just happened.
Once I finally make sense of everything, I choose my path and follow it to the place it leads me.