"There are many ways to die, but only love can kill and keep you alive to feel it." ~Leo Christopher
♥♥♥
Listening suggestion: What It's Like To Be Lonely by Tyler Ward (nightcore is best♥)
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Shoto's POV
I watched from my window as raindrops left their watery tracks on the glass. I didn't go down for dinner; I wasn't hungry. My mind was swarming with stale, aching thoughts and memories that had been haunting me ever since the break up. I couldn't deny that nothing felt right about it.
I thought I trusted (Y/N), but when it came down to it, when I was tested in this way, I realized just how weak my faith was in her. So the thought crossed my mind that maybe I was the problem, not her. What if there really was nothing between her and Bakugo? What if she and I were truly meant to be after all? Did I lose trust in her too fast?
The other side of my mind differed. It was so hard for me to trust. It was difficult for me to actually get close enough to someone without the fear of being betrayed, left, or used. I'd let (Y/N) into spaces of my heart I had never let anyone wander before, and that scared me. The more I gave away of myself, the more I felt vulnerable.
I touched the scar over my left eye, remembering how it got there. I never thought about it much, but now I was beginning to see the effects it had on me. Everything about that scar brought back nightmares.
I remembered how much my mother loved me, but then how my father abused her. He made her go insane, to the point that she hated every fiber of his being. She grew to despise my left side, my fire side, because I inherited it from him. I remembered, as a five-year-old, how I didn't understand, and all I wanted was to protect and comfort her.
I remembered the boiling water she'd splashed on my face, scalding my face with a permanent burn. I cried, but I still loved my mom. Instead, I blamed my father for what happened. I blamed him for everything, and still did to this day.
To him I was only an object he made, a weapon fashioned for the sole purpose for overthrowing All Might, the number one hero. My father was second only to him, and for that a poisonous rivalry sparked like a phoenix from the ashes. My father didn't care about being a hero, he didn't care about saving people or being a role model. He only wanted to be the best. He was a selfish, arrogant, recalcitrant bastard that I was ashamed to call my father.
In a way, my father Endeavor scarred my deeper than my mother did with the water. He didn't teach me love, he taught me to hate. He didn't teach me encourage others, he taught me to surpass them. He told me to be the best in everything I did, and ultimately surpass the number one hero. He wouldn't rest until I had made the Todoroki name prominent.
However, with the help of my friends (one in particular), I was able to be more at peace with myself. I believed I was born to be a hero, and not what my father wanted me to be. I only hoped to become as great as All Might, but not become his superior. I realized that now, but there was nothing in the world that could erase the memories, visions, and demons of my past.
No one knew about this, save Midoriya. I never told (Y/N), only avoided talking about it when we drew near to the subject. She was probably so confused; why my mom was in the hospital, why I had the scar, and why I rued even the mention of the word "father." I suddenly wished I'd told her. I wished I'd told her everything, and maybe we could've broken through so many walls.
But it was too late now. (Y/N) was gone, and maybe it was my fault. How strong the urge within me was, right now, to have her here with me. I wanted her arms around my neck, her bare feet on my shoes. I wanted her hands to suture all the pieces of my shattered heart, and her touch to warm all the places of me that had gone entirely and indisputably cold.
My head told me "no", but deep down I knew my heart still had her name written on it.
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(Y/N)'s POV
It was hard to sleep. I had no appetite, so I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast except the ice cream Nachika gave me. Despite that, my stomach was vacant. It rumbled in the sheets of my bed but the roaring thoughts of my brain were louder. My mind had become a zoo of fears, insecurities, thoughts of hopelessness, and lost dreams. It was as if my soul was dying along with everything I used to have with Shoto. Our love was like a bulb, buried and destined to spring forth from the earth as a beautiful flower, but instead perished in the soil come the first frost.
Maybe he really didn't love me like I thought he did, I thought. If he truly did, wouldn't he want to try to work it out? Wouldn't he have more faith in me that I wouldn't be dating another boy behind his back? I feared that he didn't, and that hurt. It was like I trusted him more than he trusted me.
In spite of those thoughts, my heart was stupid enough to keep telling me I still wanted him. It told me I wanted him yesterday, I wanted him now, and I was to keep wanting him forever and even longer. I loved Shoto, with every tear I cried, with every lonely step I took, with every beat of my fading heart. The worst of it was that I knew I could never stop, it was like my heart would stop beating before it stopped loving.
My mind turned down another avenue. I thought . . . he promised he'd get me out of this horrid place. He promised he'd be my hero, and he'd save me. He said he would even if the world was ending. Will he still do that? Or will he abandon me to rot here?
My tears were rolling down my pillow like a stream over pebbles. I knew my mistake had cost me my future with Shoto, whether I accepted it or not. But had it also cost me a future outside of the program? Did I lose any fraction of a chance to escape this place? Would I forever be enslaved to this agency, with the chip in my head, being ordered to kill people and arrest heroes? What if we're ordered to kill heroes?
I thought no one could hear me, but I was wrong. I felt someone come sit on the bed and stroke some of the hair out of me tear-stained face. I knew that touch to be Kaito.
I slowly turned my head to face him. "Hey . . ." I whispered, because any louder would give away how hard I was crying.
I could only see the two glints of his eyes in the dark, but I knew he was shaking his head. "You don't have to do that. I'm here for you."
Burying my head back in my pillow, I used it to muffle the series of sobs that followed. I loved Kaito, but honestly I wished I could just be left alone.
"I know you don't want to," he said softly, "but pouring your heart out to someone will lighten the load a whole lot. You can vent everything to me, (Y/N)."
I couldn't respond. Every time someone talked to me during this trying time, I would only cry harder. I couldn't understand it, except the fact that my feelings were so much more vulnerable and delicate than I realized.
Kaito began slipping the blanket away from me. "Can . . . I get in?"
Know that this wasn't weird at all. We did this a lot as little kids, when we were scared of this place when we were first brought here, or when we had watched someone die by our own hands for the first time. Even random nights when we were afraid of what would happen to us, or even if it was too cold to sleep by ourselves.
Slowly I was able to cease my sniffling and nod.
Kaito crawled in next to me and drew the sheets over us. "It's going to be okay," he soothed. "It may not seem like it now, but you have to trust that ahead there's going to be wonderful things in your life."
"H-how do you know that?" I spoke.
"Because even in the dark, you've still got the stars."
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Lots and LOTS of feelings in this chapter. Of course, we all know Shoto's backstory but I thought it would be unfair to write a Todoroki fan fiction without explaining it at least once. So there you have it!
Thank you all for your support, and of course don't forget to vote/comment if you're enjoying this book!
Sayounara♥