It was night, and I was feeling lonely in my bed. I wished there was a way I could share it with Niall. Not because he was my love, but because he was particularly comforting and warm.
I was able to admit it to myself by now. I had, by some odd occurrence, fallen out of love with the leprechaun. I still found his actions adorable, but I no longer craved his more intimate touches and passionate kisses. When we were together, the spark was dull. He was comfortable, and being in his arms felt quite safe, but that was likely the same as how I would feel if I took the time to get to know any of the other boys more deeply. You gain an emotional attachment when you share private things with someone.
I loved Niall, but it wasn’t enough anymore. I couldn’t bring myself to continue leading him along, so I wouldn’t have to be the one to break his heart. I knew it would hurt him, but I couldn’t be with someone and have the stress of this hidden relationship situation unless I had fallen deeply in love. And, sadly, I didn’t feel the person I needed was Niall any longer.
If we were to split up, I don’t know who I would go to. I promised myself I wouldn’t have a rebound, because that would be unfair to whoever I used. But I knew that as much as I prepared myself for this, and knew what was coming, it would inevitably hurt. We’d been together for a while now, and we both knew we used to have the perfect relationship. It was going to be hard to be the one to let go, but if I didn’t do it then we’d be clinging to the threads of something that was no longer woven.
As I made up my mind, I slowly rolled my body over on the bed, pushing the sheets from my body. Flicking on the lamp, I swung my legs over the side of the mattress and stood, stretching my back gently. Rubbing my eyes to clear the film of deep thought, I made sure my clothes were in place before opening the door and making my way down the hall.
I could’ve traced this path in my darkest dreams. I’d come here so many times, for comfort, for love, for somewhere to sleep peacefully. But this time I was here for a totally different reason. This would be the first negative memory I would have of this room, and quite possibly the worst memory I would have of Niall.
His door was cracked open, as it had always been left for the night. He knew that I often had trouble sleeping on my own or just wanted a reason to crawl into his bed, so he’d taken to leaving it cracked. That way it wouldn’t make noise as I slipped soundlessly in. Tonight, however, I wanted him to be awake. I wanted him to know I was here with him. I didn’t bother to close the door softly until it was just slightly open, as it had been before my entrance.
As my eyes adjusted to the moonlight shining through his window, I could make out the rumpled sheets of his bed with a lump in the middle. The lump appeared to be moving only slightly, trembling as it sucked in and let out air. I could feel a soft smile grow across my face as I came closer and stared down at the face of my sleeping leprechaun.
Who wasn't going to be considered mine for much longer. I had to remind myself that these were the last few moments I was allowed to feel like this. I wasn’t in love with him. If I were in love with him, I wouldn’t be feeling the pain of thinking our love had faded. Best mates simply weren’t allowed to think about each other this way. I was going to have to work on my thoughts around a certain Irish boy.
His mouth was open; his eyes scrunched. It looked as if he was having a dream that was annoying him. Hi breathing was regular, though, so it wasn’t a nightmare. That was good; I didn’t want to get this far and not go through with it.
I reached down and shook his shoulder nearest my side of the bed gently. “Niall,” I spoke in a low whisper, “Nialler, wake up.” I continued the light motions until I heard an unhappy groan from the boy curled up in front of me.
“Li?” He asked, blinking away the sleep in his eyes. “Why’d you wake me? You know you can always just get in with me, like you always do.”
I sighed. “I know, buddy, but I need to talk to you.”
He looked confused. “Can’t it wait ‘til morning?” he yawned.
“Not really… Niall, I don’t wan the others to even accidentally hear this,” I explained, and his eyes widened.
“Oh, that kind of ‘talk’,” he smirked up at me. I rolled my eyes.
“Not that either, you horny, or should I say Horany, beast. I mean actually talk,” we both chuckled.
“So talk away,” he whispered, eyes glittering.
Was I really about to do this to him? Was I going to do it, and break his poor little heart? I would have Dani there for me if I needed her, but he would have nobody. Was it a smart move to do this now, when we could finally be together without worrying about Louis and Harry?
No, I was not going to talk myself out of it now that I was here, in his room, sitting beside him on his comfy bed and looking into his bright blue eyes. I couldn’t lead him along; that would hurt him more in the end.
“Have you, erm… have you noticed anything, well, how do I put this… different feeling between us recently?” I stuttered out anxiously, not meeting his eyes.
He pushed a finger under my chin, forcing me to meet his steady gaze. “You mean that spark we talked about months ago? If that’s what you’re trying to say, I know what you mean. I feel it too,” he reassured me.
If he knew what I was getting at, why was he so calm and collected? “No, like, the spark has died, Nialler. I thought it was just the time we’ve been together wearing it down, but now… I think it’s gone and died on us. No matter how much we tried not to let it go.”
“Yeah, that’s what I meant. We’re just not us anymore, Liam. What happened to us? We’ve only been together for a few months, but it feels like forever has gone by and our hearts have taken the toll,” he sighed wearily. His face was no longer quite so cheerful.
“I don’t know. You have no idea how many nights this has kept me up, thinking I was just imagining it or that the spark would come back. But I’m just not feeling it.”
A small, gentle smile formed in the corner of his mouth, his eyes shining with sincerity, trust, and sadness. “But I do know. I’m just the same, Liam. We’re so alike. That’s why we always got on so well.” I could feel the tears beginning to well up in my eyes.
“Yeah… we used to get on so well.” I let my mind wander, taking me back through all my best memories of the two of us. Our first date, the total cliché dinner and a movie that was simply amazing because it was with the man I loved. Our first kiss: standing in my room, desperate for each other’s touch after days of no time to ourselves. The first time we realized we could look in each other’s eyes and just know what the other was thinking, like Louis and Harry have always been able to do. The first time we exchanged those three important words. It all ran through my mind, like a movie of us. The movie of Niall and Liam.
They always say you see your life flash before your eyes as you die. My heart was dying, so I assumed what I was seeing was what my heart saw as my life. And no surprise, it was all Niall. It was so hard to admit that what we had could be gone so quickly when it had taken so long to get here.
“Hey,” Niall’s hand stroking my cheek brought me back to the present, “don’t talk like that. We still do get o well, you hear me? We always will. Just because it didn’t work out between us as lovers, doesn’t mean we can’t be mates again. After all, that’s what we were all that time ago, remember?” I nodded, silent tears now streaming from the corners of my eyes. I saw tear tracks on his face as he pulled me in closer, into one of the tightest embraces we’d ever shared.
This was a big moment for us. It was, quite possibly, the last time we would be in each other’s arms like this. It would make it so much harder to move on if we stayed as close as we’d always been, but I knew I couldn’t say that to Niall now. He had to let me go; I had to set him free. It was the only way to fix the mess we’d created so long ago by starting this hidden relationship n the first place.
“Niall…” I choked out as we wiped our tears and pulled away.
“Yeah, Li-li?” The nickname brought fresh tears.
“This… this moment… I want to remember this, Nialler. I want to remember how it felt to love you; to be held by the one I truly needed. I don’t think I could ever really forget.”
“Me neither. It will always be the two of us. Just like we promised,” he assured me.
“Niall, I can’t do this anymore,” I cried out, the tears now pouring down my face and soaking my shirt. “We have to be done. I can’t hurt you anymore. I don’t want to see you hurt, and every day that you’re with me knowing that I can’t love you like that will kill you.”
“No, Liam, stop! Don’t do this! I love you, Li, you don’t have a say in that! I know you normally have control, you know, as Daddy Direction, but this is different. You can’t just leave me, Liam. I won’t allow it,” he stubbornly gripped my arm as I tried to make a run for it.
“I know. I know everything you just said is true. But please, Niall, just let me go. If I stay anymore I’ll be hurting both of us, and we may never recover and be like we were before all this. I can’t lose you completely. But we are over, Niall. It’s what’s best for us right now.” I tried to rationalize with him.
He had broken down now, his tears all over and arms moving around in the air as he pleaded for me to stay. “Just give us another chance, Liam. We can make it work. I can make you fall for me again, whatever it takes, if you’ll only give me one more chance!”
I sighed, pulling him in close. “I can’t do that, Niall. If you look inside your head and think about why you’re reacting like this, you’ll see I’m right. We’re so used to the comfort of each other that it’s hard to let go. But we have to. I can’t lead you on, buddy, that’s not fair.”
He sniffled, wiping his eyes and my own before stepping back. “Okay, fine. You win, Liam. We’re over.” I sucked in a sharp breath of air at his words. God, they stung. It felt like my heart was being stuck with a handful of needles, almost as if I needed to pull them out of my chest. “But I can’t do this while I’m tired. There’s no way I’m going to be able to fall asleep tonight, Li, with my brain all awake like this and so frustrated and upset and just torn up. Before you go, I just need to ask you for one last favor. Then you can say goodbye. I’ll let you do whatever it is you’re hoping to accomplish, and I’ll support you. As a friend. Just give me this one thing, Liam,” he begged.
How could I say no to him in this state? “Of course, Nialler. I hate to see you hurting.”
He looked up at me, his face red, eyes puffy and wet, mouth in a large frown. “Stay with me? Just one more night? Kiss me, hold me, be mine, just for this last night?”
I glanced skeptically at the ground. “I don’t know if that’s such a great idea. Are you going to want to see me when you wake up and remember what just happened? Are you still going to want m there, knowing I’m not in love with you?”
“Always, Liam. I will never refuse your company. So, what do you say?”
I thought about it. It didn’t seem like anything could go too terribly wrong just by staying with him an extra night. And it would give me some closure on my feelings, hopefully.
“Fine. I’ll only stay with you for one more night, though. That’s it. Starting tomorrow, I’ve got Danielle and you’ve got the choice of anyone in the world.” I lay down on the bed, pulling him into my side. He automatically curled into me, as if we were a regular couple cuddling late at night.
“Good night, Liam. I love you,” he murmured as his eyes fluttered shut.
Should I say it back to him? Would he take it the wrong way? I did love him, but not in the way I used to. Technically, if I said I loved him, it wasn’t a lie.
I took a deep breath. “Night, Nialler,” I got out, stroking his hair softly. Just as his breaths evened out, I mumbled, “I love you too, buddy. I’m so sorry.”
Lying down and holding him close, I closed my own eyes. I knew it was going to be hard to leave in the morning, but I couldn’t resist his sad baby blues. I’d always been a sucker for his expressions, and he knew to use that to his advantage. Sighing, I shifted to make myself more comfortable.
That was the hardest thing I had ever done.