"You're falling in love with him."
Jean pushed Jasmine over on the couch and got up to get a glass of water. Jasmine was home for Jean's birthday, and she only wanted to talk about Jean's newfound friendship with Shawn and his friends. She should have known if she gave Jasmine and inch she'd take a mile.
"Jazz, please."
"Jean, you started running with him and his friends. If you're willing enough to go running with the guy, then there is no further argument. You love him."
To be honest, she didn't know what they were. Both of them had gotten out of serious relationships not that long ago, and besides the time they spent alone together, neither of them made any action to push them past the line of friendship. Jean preferred it that way. If she fell in love with Shawn, then she would feel so much more guilty for the secrets she was keeping from him. There was too much risk. At least right now.
"The guy has seen me at my worst far too many times for the short amount of time that I've known him. If anything he just pities me at this point." Jean replied.
Jasmine rolled her eyes. "Keep telling yourself that."
They were spending a lot of time together since their time at church. Shawn, Scottie, Tyler, and Zeiler ran nearly every morning together, and on mornings when Jean didn't work the night before, she started joining them. Not everyone could make it everyday, and sometimes it was just her and Shawn, sometimes just Zeiler and her, but there was always someone. When it was just Shawn and her, he would tell her more stories about Jesus or stories from the Bible. They were interesting and she didn't mind it, although she wasn't sure if she was ready to buy into the whole thing. She also wasn't sure how he could just effortlessly speak while running when she could barely breathe. It did force her to listen.
Jasmine helped Jean clean her apartment as the four of them were coming over. As many times as she had been to Shawn's house at this point, he had never seen her apartment. It wasn't that impressive, it was small, and her balcony faced a pool, but she figured she would have to let them over sometime.
Everyone came over after dinner and Jean introduced everyone to Jasmine. Shawn, of course, instantly won her over by complimenting her shoes. Zeiler was also laughing with her in no time. Jean couldn't help but smile. It was good to see everyone getting alone.
Scottie helped himself to a tour around the house, and he was most excited about the pool.
"So I'll be coming over every day," Scottie said when Jean joined him on the balcony.
"Scottie, you don't want to swim in that pool. Believe me."
He leaned against the rail and smiled over at her. "You don't know me at all." He winked. "I'll see you tomorrow, ready to get my tan on."
Jean laughed and showed everyone the rest of her tiny home. They all settled in the family room when there was a knock on the door. Jean was confused about who it could be; basically everyone she knew was already here.
"Brooke!" She said surprised when she opened the door. "I didn't know you'd be home."
She smiled and looked around. "Sorry I didn't know you'd have company!" In her defense, Jean never had companu. She waved at everyone inside. "Thought I'd just drop off your paycheck."
"Thanks!" Jean said. "Why don't you come in?"
Brooke raised her eyebrows. "I don't want to interrupt."
"You're not interrupting!" Jean said, and everyone backed her up and invited her inside. Brooke laughed and put her stuff down in the apartment and came inside.
"So you work at the coffee shop too?" Shawn asked as Brooke started to take her shoes on in the doorway. Jean froze, now realizing she was holding a paystub from Carmella's in her hand. Her heart started beating wildly and she knew it was over. This was it. She was about to be exposed in front of everyone.
Brooke, however, didn't skip a beat. "Sure do!" she said, looking at Jean. "I don't work very much anymore though."
Jean let out her breath and tried to smile. Thank God Brooke knew better. This night could have ended badly.
"I've never seen you there!" Zeiler said. "I'll have to start looking for you."
Jean couldn't take it. She took her paystub and went into her bedroom and shoved it under her mattress where nobody would accidentally stumble upon it. When she came back in the room, she saw Jasmine staring at her. She looked at her and smiled, and Jasmine smiled back, but she looked deep in thought. The wheels of her brain were definitely turning.
Jasmine knew about Brooke. She knew where Brooke worked. Jean could only pray that Jasmine didn't put the pieces together. She didn't live here anymore, so even if she did question it, Jean felt confident she could convince Jasmine of something else.
Jean started to relax as the night wound down. They played a few games that everyone got really into. Zeiler had even made Jean a cake. This was the most she had done for her birthday in a really long time.
Everyone started to leave, and Jean saw that Shawn showed no intention of leaving. He sat on the couch as everyone put their shoes on, leaning back with his arms outstretched. She was okay with it; she didn't want him to go. Plus she had noticed he brought a wrapped present with him but didn't give it to her. She wondered what it could possibly be.
After everyone left, Shawn took a deep breath. Jean spun and looked at him and he shook his head.
"Jeanette Marie Arthur," he said slowly, shaking his head. "Twenty-five years old. How's it feel to be my age?"
Jean laughed at him. "Well, for one, that's not my middle name, but nice try."
"What is your middle name?"
Jean merely shook her head. "It's not as fun if I just tell you."
Shawn raised his eyebrows as he got off the couch and grabbed the present that he left by the door. "Oh Jean, you are gonna regret those words." He smiled as he handed her a flat rectangle wrapped in newspaper with a pink bow on top.
"Is this the newspaper that keeps showing up at your house?" Jean asked, turning it over.
"Yeah, I'm glad I got some more use out of it. Zeiler said it looked tacky and tried to rewrap it for me."
Jean laughed. "No, I love it. It reminds me of when I saw you on the porch and almost lost my mind."
"So, before you open it, just know that this was the best I could do. I knew what I wanted to get you, but you can't get it anywhere." He shrugged. "I tried my best."
Jean laughed. "What are you talking about?"
He waved it off. "Just open it."
The present was flat and rectangular, and as she ripped the paper off, she could see it was a picture frame. It was big, and having opened the bottom first, she wondered what in the world he could have framed. She was certain they had never even taken a picture together. She looked at Shawn who was sitting there smiling.
"What is this?" she said.
"Just look."
She flipped it over, and her mouth fell open. It was her favorite picture from the coffee shop; the one of the old couple walking down the beach. As Jean scanned the photo, she realized that the photo that he had framed was actually a cell phone picture of the actual painting from the coffee shop. The frame and even part of the red coffee shop walls were in the picture.
"Did you..." Jean said, starting to laugh. "Did you take a picture of the one on the wall and frame it?"
Shawn smiled. "I'm pretty sure this was all sorts of illegal and there's a copyright lawsuit waiting to happen, so don't sell it. Or at least don't tell anyone it was me."
Jean stared at the picture and started laughing. She covered her mouth with her hand as she couldn't stop her excitement from showing. "Shawn!" she said, jumping off the couch and turning towards him. "This is amazing!"
"Well, you said you tried to steal it but it's bolted to the wall. I seriously looked all over the internet for that painting, but it must be one of a kind. I know you really wanted it, so I figured this was the next best thing."
She closed her mouth and shook her head, tears threatening to fill her eyes. She didn't even care, her smile was so big and she must have looked like an idiot, but she couldn't ever remember a gift making her this happy. She put it down and threw herself into Shawn's arms.
"So you like it then?" Shawn asked, laughing as he held her in his arms.
"Shawn, nobody has ever gotten me something this special," she said, not wanting to let him go.
"It was nothing," Shawn said, holding her tight.
"No, it's not nothing," she said. She pulled back, his arms still around her. She looked up into his eyes and he held her gaze.
Neither of them said another word. She felt the tension start to set in. He didn't pull away and neither did she. It was happening. Oh no, it was happening. She wanted to kiss him. She had never wanted to kiss someone so badly as she did him in this moment. He was unlike anyone or anything she had ever experienced in her life. He was just good, and there was no debate about that. He had somehow crept into her life and was filling all the darkness with joy. He made her forget her past and gave her hope for better things to come.
As she closed her eyes, her heart started to pound in her chest. He was coming closer and they were about to cross that line of safety. After this moment, there would be no going back. They would have to define what they were.
She would have to tell him what she was.
The voices were too much, and the tension was too much, and she pulled away and pressed her forehead against his chest. She grabbed onto his shirt and she took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry," she breathed against his chest.
"Sorry for what?" Shawn laughed, wrapping her once more in is arms. Everything in her wanted to kiss him, but she couldn't do it. Not yet.
"I'm just...I'm messed up," she whispered, looking back up into his eyes. He shook his head.
"Far from messed up," Shawn said, taking a strand of her hair and tucking it behind her ear. She looked away, his eyes too intense, but he gently caught her chin and tipped her chin back towards him.
The way he looked at her made her knees grow weak, and she swore she was about to melt in his arms. The corner of his mouth turned up and he leaned down to press his lips to her cheek. She closed her eyes, not able to breathe until he pulled away.
"Happy birthday, Jean," Shawn whispered, slowly pulling away and heading towards the door. Her head was spinning.
"Thanks, you too," she said absentmindedly. She shook her head as he looked back at her and laughed. "I mean, thank you for the gift. It's perfect."
He opened the door and lingered in the doorway, still smiling. "I'll pick you up for church tomorrow?"
She nodded her head and slowly walked over to the door. "See you then," she whispered. She closed the door behind him, leaning her forehead against it as it closed. She couldn't move for a few seconds, and then she turned and slid to the ground.
It was so fast, and she didn't know how, but Jasmine was right; she was falling in love with Shawn Lewis.
****
Jean knew she was never going to be able to sleep after what had just happened.
She eventually was able to get off the floor and go across the hall to knock on Brooke's door. Brooke answered quickly, as if she was expecting her. She rose her eyebrows and put a hand on her hip. That look already spoke a thousand words.
"I know," Jean said, running her hands through her hair in exhaustion. "You lied for me, and you have no idea how much I appreciate it."
Brooke stepped aside to let Jean in. She sauntered over the couch and collapsed.
"You haven't told anyone about Carmella's?" Brooke asked, folding her legs beneath her as she took a seat next to Jean.
"No," Jean said. "Not a single person."
"That Shawn guy," Brooke said. "You seem the closest to him. Is he your boyfriend?"
"No," Jean replied, replaying the almost kiss they just had in her mind.
Brooke raises her eyebrows at Jean again shrugged her shoulders. "Huh."
"What does that mean?"
Brooke shrugged again. "It's obvious you two are crazy about each other."
Jean sat up to look Brooke in the eyes. "What are you talking about, we are not!"
"You two," Brooke said. "The looks you would give each other. Then every time one of you said anything, the other would smile or laugh or whatever. It was quite cute, to be honest."
"No."
"Jean, I'm old enough to know when two people like each other." She paused. "So you haven't told him about Carmella's?"
Jean shook her head, the idea of telling him made her sick. "I'm afraid of ruining a good thing here."
"So...where does he think you go at night until 2am?"
Jean shrugged. "He doesn't. We spend time together during the day mostly. He thinks I work at the coffee shop full-time, I guess".
"Yeah, he thinks that about me too," Brooke said, nudging Jean with her elbow.
"That's the thing though, he's religious. Or spiritual, or...close with God or whatever. I go to church with him."
Brooke about choked. Jean sat up and looked at her. "You go to church with him?"
"Yeah, were going tomorrow."
"And he doesn't know that you work at a strip club?"
Brooke started to laugh, but Jean didn't think of it as funny. She was terrified, to say the least. She didn't want to lose him or his friends.
"I'm sorry," Brooke said, stopping her laughs. "I've just never heard of such a thing."
"I want to tell him," Jean said. "I just waited so long and now it's complicated."
Brooke shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, kid. I've never been a good secret keeper, so I would be going nuts if I was you. But you're going to have to tell him eventually."
Jean knew. She was procrastinating telling him, and waiting only made everything worse. The longer she waited, the harder it was going to be, but she had already waited too long. Now she was just going to wait until she was out of there. When she had reached her saved money goal and Carmella's was a thing of the past. It would be a lot easier to say I used to work there rather than Oh hey did I ever mention? I work here.
"So you're dating a Christian boy," Brooke said. "Not gonna lie, I liked him. I've never dated anyone religious myself, but maybe that's the key right there."
"We're not dating."
"Why not? Are you blind? Two J. Crew models had a baby and it's him."
"It's more than just looks," Jean said, even though she knew it was her own self that was holding them back.
"Right, it's the awful personality holding you back. Seriously, no sense of humor. Total pig." The sarcasm was heavy.
Jean couldn't help but laugh this time. She had a point, but she couldn't go through anymore heartbreak right now. Anthony nearly destroyed her and if she was being honest, she wasn't totally healed from it yet.
How long would it be before he got tired of her too?
"You know, a bunch of Christian guys came into the strip club once," Brooke started. "Maybe Shawn was one of them."
"What were they doing there?"
Brooke laughed. "It was really cheesy actually. They brought flowers. I think it was Valentine's Day or something. They gave them to the girls and told them they were beautiful and loved or something."
"That's nice," Jean said.
"Yeah, it was definitely strange. Most girls didn't give it much thought, but this one girl, Vicki, I remember she started sobbing in the locker room. She quit a week later. Rumor has it she's a missionary living in Ethiopia now."
"Wow," Jean said. "Good for her."
"No!" Brooke said. "She was one of our best dancers! We lost a lot of regulars after that."
Jean looked at Brooke and shook her head, wondering how much she was joking and how much she really meant it.
"Do you ever plan on leaving?" Jean asked.
Brooke smirked. "I mean, I'm sure they'll force me out eventually, but once you're in, it's hard to quit. Nowhere else can you make that much money just by being who you are."
Jean swallowed. The money was hard to forget. She couldn't imagine going back to working twice as many hours at the coffee shop and making half the pay, but she also couldn't imagine working at Carmella's with no end in sight.
One way or the other, she was going to have to tell Shawn. She just hoped it wasn't too late.
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We are at 1K reads! Seriously a dream come true. Love you guys.
Also Shawn and Jean taking 19 chapters to almost kiss. TAKIN IT SLOWWWW. #BAGGAGE
Anyone out there still Team Anthony? Just me? #Joke
Also, fun thing I do with some of the girls in my Lifegroup; instead of setting a New Years resolution, (because let's be honest those never work) we give ourselves a word to focus on. Last year my word was "present", meaning I wanted to focus on the here and now instead of the past or future. It's so easy to get caught up in what he hope to happen. God really revealed a lot to me about my heart. This year, my word is "confident." I want to be more confident in my trust in God, in myself, and the places he's leading me. Anyone have a word they want to share for 2019?
Love you guys!