Find My Heart (boyxboy)

By Jinglebean

441K 23.8K 8.4K

*********Sequel to Touch Me*********** Cole doesn't expect much from life. He spends most of his time alone... More

Author's Note
1. Pity Party
2. Electric Shock
3. Another Year of Hell
4. My First Kiss
5. Not My Type
6. Just Stalling
7. Beta Blood
8. Run!
9. A Project
10. Embarrassing Love Lives
11. Happy Birthday
12. They Have Wolves
13. Contact Details
14. Never Have I Ever
15. An Impressive Set of Canine Teeth
16. Rejected
17. My Humdrum Life
18. Robo-wolf
19. Screw the Consequences
20. To Text or Not to Text
21. What's Your Secret
22. A Little Nudge in the Right Direction
23. Frickin' Frizzlesticks
24. The Large Wolf in the Room
25. Tell Me He's Not Dead
26. Underground Network
27. I've Got You
28. Promise Me
29. I Feel It
30. A Front Row View
31. There's Something I Need to Tell You
32. Wrapped Around his Little Finger
33. Full Intimidation Mode
34. Too Many Regrets
35. A Distraction I Don't Need
36. A Brief Moment of Distraction
37. Get Off My Land
38. That's Me
39. You Were Always His Cub
40. A Bacon Butty
41. My Little Boy
42. Tiger, Tiger
43. Going Out for Lunch
44. Those Little Distractions (final)
Author's Note and Questions
New Story!!!

A Christmas Pudding

7K 365 398
By Jinglebean

Hey everyone! I have a present for you all! A little glimpse into the grand Blackwood Manor 18 months after we last left it. And maybe an idea for a third book that's been playing around in my mind........let me know what you think?


Joel


"Remind me why we agreed to host Christmas this year?" I asked Casper as I tried to peel off the strip of sellotape that had wrapped its way around my fingers.

"Because Ronan hosted last year," Casper replied, while chuckling at my shit attempt at wrapping presents.

"And..?" I said raiding my eyebrows at him.

"And.....And because I wanted to do it better," Casper said in a mumble.

"There it is!" I said laughing. "Always this one upmanship between you two!"

"Come on," he said, pushing my shoulder lightly, "you can't say you don't feel the same way. Look at it!" he said, gesturing to the dining hall we were currently sat in.

He was right. I had gone to town with the decorations. There was a massive Christmas tree at the far end of the hall, covered in twinkling white lights and gold decorations. Then the tables were covered in gold tablecloths with big red poinsettia plants in the middle. And there were swags of holly and ivy going all the way round the room, sprayed with fake snow, giving a very Dickensian feel to it. There was also a cracker in each place setting as well as a small gift, that I was currently wrapping, hence my hand being covered in sellotape.

But despite the effort I had gone to, it wasn't to do with the Huntley - Bournville rivalry. It was because this was my first big event as the manager of Blackwood Manor.

I finally wrapped the last gift - a bottle of stretch mark moisturiser for Lyla and placed it on the table by her place setting.

Casper walked over and threw an arm around my waist while we surveyed the scene in front of us.

"You do realise when she opens that, she's going to throw it at your head," Casper almost whispered in my ear.

I couldn't help the snigger that came out at the thought of seeing Lyla and Mark's face.

"I know, but it'll be hilarious to see her reaction," I said before catching Casper off guard with a quick kiss on the lips.

Lyla was 6 months pregnant and already surrounded herself with an aura that said, 'back off, I bite'.

Speaking of the impending parents, Mark stuck his head round the door.

"Bad news," he said, gestring for us to walk over.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, "You're supposed to be a guest today, not working!"

Mark grinned sheepishly.

"I know, I know, but I just wanted to check the team were on top of everything. You know that Francis is away, so I just wanted to make sure that everything was still on schedule."

I just shook my head and smiled. It made me feel so proud to have such dedicated staff, and wonderful friends.

"So what was the bad news?" Casper asked.

"Percy's now coming."

I laughed while Casper rolled his eyes.

"Any chance we can sit him on his own down in the basement?" Mark said chuckling.

"He's not that bad," I argued.

"N-NOT THAT BAD?" Casper spluttered out animatedly. "Do you not remember when he was here last month?"

Ok, so I had to concede it was a catalogue of disasters. He refused to eat what we'd cooked for dinner as he had suddenly gone 'vegetarian'. I know - a wolf! Then he went to the bathroom and lit up a cigarette, setting the fire alarm off. He fed Lyra and Orion so many sweets that they were bouncing off the walls for hours. Then he even spiked Nathan's drink. And let me tell you, a drunk Nathan is something I NEVER want to see again. Then he finished off the evening by punching one of the waiters.

The door opened and Jamie came walking in.

"Hey, what's going on? Are you having a pow-wow without me?"

"Of course not," Casper said, a sudden glow in his eyes that meant he was up to no good. "And it's a good thing you're here because I've got an important job for you."

"Really?" he asked, and I thought it was sort of cute how his eyes lit up at the idea.

Since I'd been around, I'd noticed that Jamie and Casper's relationship had taken a bit of a nose dive. Jamie was Casper's Beta, his right hand wolf, the one he should go to with all of his problems and for advice. Only, he'd sort of been coming to me instead, and I knew for a fact that Jamie felt like he'd become a bit of a spare part.

It was almost a shame that I had an idea what Casper was about to say.

"Yes, and it's a really important job too. You're in charge of Percy."

"WHAT?" he said, taking a step backwards.

"We've just found out that Percy's coming," I said a little less bluntly than Casper, "and we need someone who can handle him to watch over him to make sure he doesn't cause trouble this time."

Jamie let out a snort of disgust.

"You're right in saying that Percy needs a handler, but why me? Why not Nathan?"

"Don't you remember what happened to Nathan last time?" Casper said.

I saw the flash of amusement across Jamie's features as he remembered the perfect wolf, stripping off and dancing on the table.

"Yeah, and what if he does that to me?"

Casper laughed. "With the amount of alcohol you can put away, he'd have to spike you with the contents of the entire bar to even make you tipsy! It only worked on Nathan because he barely drinks."

Jamie huffed in annoyance.

"Plus, Cole has only just got back from his month long ecology field trip, so I'm guessing they're going to be glued to each other's side for at least a week," I said quickly before Jamie could try and palm the job off on Nathan again.

Jamie's shoulders sagged as he realised there was no getting out of this one.

"Fine," he said, glaring and turning to point at Casper. "But you owe me. You owe me big." And then he stormed out of the room.

I shook my head at Casper.

"What?" he said, his face a picture of innocence. Or in this case obliviousness.

"You're going to lose him you know," I said, heading over to the table to rearrange the seating to accommodate our latest guest.

Casper shook his head. "No, he just needs to find his mate, that's why he's been a little off recently."

I wasn't convinced myself and the look I saw Mark give me as he brought over another place setting, said he agreed.

But despite my concerns over Casper and Jamie's relationship as Alpha and Beta, there was still no denying that Jamie was the only one likely to be able to contain Percy's wildness, and so I cleared some extra room next to his place setting to squeeze Percy in.


********************


Jamie


I stood in the corner sipping my vodka and coke while I waited for the last of the guests to arrive.

I should have been mingling and socialising, but I just couldn't be bothered. I was sick of these events, and sick of Joel telling me what to do, and basically just sick of my life right now.

I hadn't told Casper yet, but in the New Year I planned to go and do a bit of travelling. I had no idea where to, or how I would go about it, but I just couldn't stand the thought of being stuck in this place any longer.

I knew that Casper put my recent mood down to me not finding my mate. I don't think that was the case. I didn't mind being free and single to chase down any female that happened to catch my eye. And pretending I was looking for my mate was the perfect excuse to not get into any meaningful relationships that would tie me down.

You see, I didn't really want a relationship right now. I already felt confined and trapped by my current life - I didn't need to add a ball and chain of a mate on top of that as well.

But on the other hand, I sometimes wished that I would find my mate but that she would be part of another pack from far away, who were desperate for a new Beta. And then I could go and join that pack and maybe feel useful again.

My current pack just seemed to be full of Betas. What with Joel being from a Beta blood line, and then Nathan spending so much time with our pack, I just felt...oh I don't know....I just felt redundant.

A loud commotion coming from the hallway, made me groan.

"Sounds like Percy's arrived," I muttered to myself before downing the rest of my drink and setting it on a table before walking over to the door.

The sight that greeted me in the entranceway was really not what I was expecting.

"PUT IT BACK!" Joel growled while wrestling with the huge blow up snowman that was previously outside but was now taking up most of the room in the entrance lobby.

"Were you not listening! It needs to be moved," huffed Ronan, who had his arms wrapped around the snowman on the other side.

I just stared, mesmerised by the sight of these two grown men, wrestling with an 10 foot grinning snowman.

"It's not going anywhere!" Joel said, before yanking on the snowman's arm so hard that the whole thing went tumbling over onto the ground, taking out the small Christmas tree in the process.

Ronan, still clinging on, ended up on top of the snowman, Joel and Ronan now making a sort of Snowman sandwich.

"What the hell is going on?" I finally asked, while moving to pick up the fallen Christmas tree.

"I'm sorry Sir," came a timid voice from next to me, and I turned to see a member of staff stood there that I hadn't noticed before. "Ronan told me I needed to move the snowman inside because Percy's dog might attack it, and.."

"Percy's what?" I interrupted, not sure I heard correctly.

"Percy's dog," Ronan said, finally managing to get himself off the big inflatable. "Percy's got this new dog that for some reason goes a little nuts if he sees a snowman. No idea why a snowman. He's fine with a giant Santa, or a reindeer, but when he sees a snowman, it's like he gets possessed and wants to kill."

"You're not buying this are you?" Joel said, getting up off the floor and straightening out his jacket. "Do you not remember what happened the first time I met Nathan? Ronan told me he was a stalker. He's just trying to cause trouble again."

"Do you know what?" Ronan said holding both hands up. "Do what you want, I'm going in for a drink," and then he sauntered off into the lounge.

"Thank god for that," Joel said, "now can you two both help me put this back outside."

The member of staff quickly scampered over and started to help pull the snowman back onto its feet. Or whatever it is that snowmen have. I walked up more cautiously.

"But what if Ronan was telling the truth this time? Don't you think we should just let this thing down just in case?"

Joel stopped pulling the snowman and turned to me with a determined look on his face.

"No. He's not going to trick me again. I paid a lot of money for this snowman, so it'll bloody well stay outside until the last guest leaves."

I shrugged my shoulders and helped drag the snowman outside.

We'd literally just got back indoors when we heard someone hollar, "PAXTON" followed by incessant barking that seemed to be getting closer and closer.

Me and Joel glanced briefly at each other before running outside, just in time to see a large Alsatian dog take a flying leap at the snowman, it's teeth bared in a snarl.

"PAXTON!! NO!!" I heard again and turned to see Percy running up the drive with a deep scowl on his face.

"Did Ronan not tell you to move the pissing snowman!" he said, glaring in our direction.

In the meantime, Paxton had managed to scale the snowman to get his jaws clamped into its neck and was now trying to shake it frantically. It was quite a sight.

Suddenly there was an almighty 'POP' as the snowman finally lost the battle. Paxton jumped back off the snowman, his hackles raised and his teeth on full show.

"I think he thought that noise was a gunshot," I said, as I watched the dog eyeing us up, trying to decide which one of us took the shot.

"What's going on?" came a voice from behind us, and I turned to see Cole walking towards us, carrying...... a silver candlestick?

"COLE DROP IT!" came the cry from Percy, and I didn't even need to turn back round to know what was happening.

By the time I had turned around, I was in my wolf form, my huge black body protecting Cole and making the Alsation look like nothing more than a pup.

The Alsatian dug it's paws into the ground and came to an abrupt stop in front of me, as I bent my head down low, ears flat, teeth bared and a loud growl rumbling out from my chest.

I heard the clang as Cole dropped the Candlestick onto the ground, and then I felt him slowly edging back into the building.

The Alsation may have stopped its attack, but it hadn't backed down completely, or at least it hadn't until it turned round only to be faced with three more wolves growling at it from behind.

Percy's brownish red wolf stepped forward and swiped its large paw across the snout of the dog, making the dog whimper and cower back, its tail now between its legs.

One by one, we all changed back into our human forms and Percy, quickly strapped a leash onto the dog.

"Why the fuck did you bring that mutt here?" I shouted at Percy, absolutely fuming at his stupidity.

"I couldn't exactly leave it in the hotel, could I?" he snapped back.

I rolled my eyes and tried to count to ten. I think I got to three.

"There's an empty stable round the back, go stick it in there."

"It's a dog, not fucking Jesus," Percy shot back.

I felt my hands clench by my side.

"I'll give you one choice. You either put that damn mutt in the stable, or I'll go and tell Nathan that it just tried to attack Cole."

Percy sighed, but began to pull the dog down the path that led round the back of the Manor.

I felt a hand lightly pat my shoulder.

"Well, good luck with that one tonight," Joel said.

I was about to offer up some sarcastic response but was prevented by Joel seeing what was left of his snowman.

"Oh fuck! Look at my snowman!!"

I couldn't help the corners of my mouth turning up at the sight of Joel lifting up a badly deflated snowman head.

"Are you coming to help me or what?" Joel shouted back at me.

"Hell no, I need another drink," I said, before making my way back inside.


****************


Percy


I headed back towards the front door and couldn't help but smile when I saw the remains of the giant snowman in a heap next to the entrance.

Who the fuck has a giant snowman outside their door anyway?

I don't know why I agreed to come here tonight. It was the last place I wanted to be. Well, actually I know why I came really. It was to see Cole. I hadn't seen him in ages, and I knew that this might be my only chance to chat to him away from Nathan for a bit. Shame my dog just scared the life out of him.

I jogged inside and went into the lounge. Before I'd even got a few feet in the door, a drink was thrust in front of me.

"Here," a grumpy Jamie said.

I took it off him and took a sip. I shook my head then held it back out to him. "You seem to have forgotten the alcohol."

"And you seem to have forgotten that you're only 17."

I retracted my arm with a smirk.

"So are you going to be my babysitter for the night?" I asked, already thinking of ways I could wind Jamie up.

"Sorry, I didn't realise you were a baby? Do you want me to get you some warm milk instead?" he said, making a move to take the drink back off me.

I took a step back and moved my drink out of his reach.

"Someone's having a bad day." I said, trying to goad him some more.

"Any day with you in it is a bad day. And speaking of bad hair days, what the fuck is that on top of your head?"

"It's my mohawk. You like it?" I said, brushing my hand along the spikes gently so not to flatten them.

"You look like a damn parrot," he grumbled.

I wasn't sure if that was in reference to the mohawk or the fact that I'd sprayed it in rainbow colours this morning.

"At least I make an effort with my hair. Yours just kind of has that wet dog look."

Jamie just scowled at me. Actually I really liked Jamie's hair. It was dark brown and thick and shiney. He cut it short on the sides but had it longer on top. It was the kind of hair that was just asking to have my hand run through it, or be tugged as he's kissing his way down.....

I shook my head to get that thought away immediately.

There was a general movement of people heading to the big double doors at the back.

"Come on Polly, looks like it's dinner time," Jamie said, before following the crowd.

"Whatever Lassie," I said, but followed him nethertheless.

I had to hand it to Joel, the place looked amazing. If you liked that kind of thing. I found my name on the small card on the table, and was pleased to see I was sat next to Cole. I decided to ignore the fact that Jamie was on my other side.

"Hey, sorry about my dog earlier," I whispered into Cole's ear, not wanting to draw the attention of Nathan on his other side.

"Oh, it's ok. It's not like it's the first time that a large dog has tried to jump me."

I saw Nathan smirk next to him and I wrinkled my nose up in disgust.

"Oh god! I didn't mean it like that!" Cole spluttered, a rosy hue appearing on his cheeks.

The chairs opposite me and Jamie were pulled back, and I looked up to see Sebastian and another woman sitting down.

"Ooo, a present," the woman said, picking it up and inspecting it.

"You can open it Mum. Look, I got The Beginners Guide to Plants", Cole said as he showed her the book.

She looked a bit puzzled, so Cole added, "I think the presents are supposed to be a bit of a joke."

"Oh," she said, looking at hers more wearily now.

I looked at the present in front of me, slightly intrigued.

"Go on, open it," Cole said giving me a nudge.

I wasn't sure what it could be seen as I'd only agreed to come this morning, but I opened it enthusiastically. It was a bottle of non-alcoholic beer.

Jamie sniggered beside me.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's see what they got for you then."

Jamie turned his present over in his hands slowly before opening it. His eyebrow raised slightly before he threw it down on the table.

I reached over and grabbed it, removing the rest of the wrapping.

"It's the Twilight DVD!" I said laughing.

Jamie just let out a low growl. Just about all werewolves hated that film, but Jamie was more vocal than most.

"I'd have got you Lassie instead," I said, sticking my elbow into Jamie's ribs.

"Very funny, Polly," he said before flattening my mohawk with his hand.

I laughed as he pulled his hand away and frowned at the red, blue and green smears all over his fingers.

"Oh for fuck's sake," he said before pushing his chair back with a screech and stomping out of the hall.

"And three minutes!" Ronan shouted, holding his watch up. "Who had three minutes before Jamie had enough of Percy?"

"Damn, I had two," Joel shouted from the other end of the table. A collective chuckle went round the table, so I stood up and took a bow.

Only Cole didn't laugh.

I sat back down and pretended to look at my bottle of beer.

"Hey, don't mind them," Cole said to me quietly.

"What? I don't care what they think," I said, smiling at Cole. But even I could feel the force it was taking to make my mouth turn upwards.

Cole didn't say anything else, but I was pretty sure I'd failed at convincing him.

It was no secret that my family thought I was a bit of a screw up. The proverbial black sheep of the family. But I honestly didn't try to be that way. Or at least not all the time. The thing was, I was always a bit of a clumsy child, not very good at coordinating my long limbs, so most of the behaviour that was put down to me being unruly or just plain naughty was actually just an accident. And after a while I got tired of arguing, so I just let them believe what they thought, even going along with it sometimes.

And then of course there was the fact I was gay. Being gay was not something that was generally accepted in the werewolf community, so I spent a lot of my early teens feeling like I was hiding part of myself, like I didn't belong. And then when I did come out, in a fit of rage at something Ronan had said, he barely blinked, which for some reason had me fuming even more. And because no one had reacted to the fact I was gay, I then spent a number of years trying to shove it in people's faces, trying to shock them into giving me some sort of reaction.

So, yeah, I guess I wasn't the easiest person to get along with. But I didn't really care. Most of the time.

Jamie came back in and plopped down next to me again. I waited for him to have another go at me, so when it didn't come, I looked over at him in curiosity.

"What?" he growled on seeing me staring. I saw his eyes darting from my face to my hair.

"Your feathers need preening, Polly," he said, and I couldn't help but smile when I saw the corners of his mouth twitch upwards.

"JOEL!" came a screech from the other end of the room, then an object went hurtling across the table in the direction of Joel.

"Casper called it," Nathan said, making Cole hit him gently on the shoulder.

"I hope that thing lodges in his skull," Jamie mumbled, only just loud enough for me to hear.

"What? You mean to tell me you don't like Action Man slash Wolf Joel?" I said, with my hand on my chest in an overly dramatic fashion.

Jamie smirked, "Oh no, I love him. He's like a brother to me," he said, dripping with sarcasm.

Personally, I had nothing against Joel. He was super cute, and hot, and had been nothing but friendly to me. But I quite liked the idea of using this knowledge to bond more with Jamie, and maybe have a bit of fun in the process.

It seems that our exchange had not gone totally unnoticed as Sebastian suddenly addressed Jamie.

"So Jamie, I heard that you might be going to do a bit of travelling soon to find your mate?"

My ears pricked up at this. This was the first I'd heard about it. But I suppose it did make sense seen as he was now 22.

"Yep, but I've nothing planned as of yet," Jamie replied

"Well, I've got a position opening up on the south coast if you're interested."

I watched as Jamie's eyes lit up at this news.

"Really?" he said, the most animated I'd seen him in a long time.

"Yeah," Sebastian replied. "Let me have your email address and I'll send you the details through".

Jamie hurried to write down his email on the back of one of the cracker jokes and handed it to Seb.

Once Seb was distracted with another conversation, I turned to Jamie.

"So the south coast eh?"

"Yeah. Looks like I've just got my ticket out of here," he said with a smirk. "Tough look kid."

"Hey, less of the kid thank you very much. And what makes you think I'll be here next year?"

Jamie snorted. "You'll be 18, where else would you be?"

"Hopefully, if Ronan lets me, I'll be at Uni."

Jamie looked quite shocked at that bit of news.

"Uni? You? Really?"

"Yeah, I'm actually doing really well at college. I might even get some A's."

"Wow," he said, still looking amazed at the idea of me applying myself to something. "Well, good for you Polly, but I wouldn't hold your breath at Ronan letting you go. He has enough trouble keeping you under control at home."

"Yes, but what if someone went with me. Someone he knows and trusts?"

Jamie scrunched up his nose. "Who?"

I shrugged.

"It's only hypothetical. I'll just have to see."

I didn't say anything more. I didn't want to jinx it. Because my first choice of University was one on the south coast. Jamie wasn't the only one who had just got his ticket out of here.

My opportunity to impress Jamie by taking a shot at Joel arose after having a quick wander around the hall to stretch my legs between courses. I found myself near the kitchen and overheard something about the Christmas pudding that made my ears prick with delight.

I quickly made my way outside and to the back of the house, to the stable where I'd left Paxton. As I made a fuss of the dog, my eyes scanned the boxes that I'd noticed earlier sitting at the back of the stables.

10 minutes later, and using acquiring some food for Paxton as a distraction for the staff, my plan was set into motion.

I went and took my place back at the table next to Jamie, unable to keep the grin off my face.

"Uh oh," Jamie said on seeing my change of mood. "I knew I should have followed you. What've you gone and done now?"

"You'll see," I said, leaning into him unnecessarily close.

Surprisingly, he didn't lean away, but eyed me with mistrust.

I sighed. "Look, I thought you wanted to get back at Joel. I just thought I'd help you do that a little."

Jamie's eyes widened slightly. "Oh god, no. I didn't ask you to do anything! You're going to get me into so much shit!"

"Don't worry, I'll take the blame. You just sit back and enjoy."

Jamie was stopped from arguing any further, by the door opening and the most ginormous Christmas Pudding you'd ever seen in your life, being wheeled in on a trolley.

I ginned and clapped along with the rest of the crowd, earning another suspicious look from Jamie.

Joel stood up at the front and the trolley was wheeled in front of him.

"And the piece de resistance!" he said, gesturing towards the pudding. "And thank you to all the staff who have done such a wonderful job of making this meal so unforgettable."

I couldn't help but snigger at that.

"A light please Casper?" Joel said holding out his hand.

I could smell the brandy from here. Although that maybe because I could smell it on my hands.

As Casper produced a lit candle and held it out to Joel, I felt Jamie twitch beside me, and I turned to see his face pale slightly as realisation crossed his features.

"Oh shit.." I heard Jamie mumble as Joel held the candle to the pudding and watched as it burnt with with a beautiful glow.

A round of applause went up around the room, as Joel beamed with pride.

I turned to look at Jamie, not wanting to miss his expression.

I watched as his face turned from concern to relief as nothing happened.

Until.....

"BOOM"

Jamie's eyes widened like saucers and I couldn't help but turn round and look.

The pudding had exploded into a million splodges and Joel was stood at the front, his arms out to side, as pudding literally dripped off his whole body and face.

Unfortunately several other people on the table had been caught up in the explosion too, and there was the unmistakable sound of Lyla screeching in frustration at her ruined dress.

Loud chatter filled the room as I turned to look at Jamie again.

He was still staring at the chaos at the other end of the table.

I leaned into him and whispered into his ear.

"Merry Christmas Lassy."

Again, he didn't move, but kept his eyes fixed on the scene in front of him.

"You put a firecracker in it didn't you. Oh Polly, you are so dead," he growled. But at the same time, I saw the amusement dancing round his eyes, making them sparkle in a way that had me holding my breath.

He was right though. I was in sooo much trouble. But as I stared at Jamie's face I could only think of one thing.

It was so worth it.


Merry Christmas Everybody! And may your day be filled with laughter and exploding puddings!!! 

Continue Reading

You'll Also Like

164 0 50
The Bridger Series (Book 2) Can be a stand alone. Warning: BoyxBoy Wren Bridger is the younger brother of the Alpha of the pack that he lives in. ...
334K 8.7K 24
Benjamin is found in the forest while it's raining, cold and weak. A werewolf Alpha comes across him while patrolling the land and immediately knows...
361K 16K 32
Wren Arroyo's wolf was broken. Born without a complete sense of smell, Wren knew he would never have that magical moment when true mates smell each o...
4.8M 167K 32
{BOOK ONE IN: The Alpha's Trilogy} I'd never seen eyes quite like his. It's like they looked right into my soul. I could feel my body tensing as he...