CHAPTER FIFTY- Lifting the curtain and reality; it's the best way forward.
Ashley’s POV:
“Stop it and eat your chips.”
I demanded rolling my eyes as I pried Niall’s hand away from my inner thigh. He smirked as he finally dropped his hand wiggling his eye-brows at me. I took a few moments to just watch him as he hungrily stuffed his chips into his mouth occasionally taking bites of his burger. This is my boyfriend. This is the boy I’m moving in with sometime soon. And I feel ridiculously lucky. It’s needless to say I’m over the events of three months ago, that’s three months ago and this is now. And right now, the present and the future is all that matters to me. It’s not as if I haven’t screwed up before, in fact I have plenty of times. Him and our future is what’s important, not our past. And I was excited for our future together, really excited. I got a certain sense of freedom as well, like I was finally breaking loose from my past and all the troubles of it and beginning to build my own life away from all the people who have let me down in the past. I had known what I wanted for a while now; and that was a proper relationship with Niall. And not just a relationship, a life together. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and I knew there was going to be times when it would seem impossible, but as always I knew we’d get over these burdens, we always do. When having such a dysfunctional family and at the moment my parent’s marriage was screaming dysfunctional: All I’d ever wanted since I was a little girl was to stick out my family until I was a legal adult and then start building one of my own. And I wanted it to be perfect, with the boy I loved in the place I loved and the people I loved. And I think this was finally it, moving in together with Niall is something huge for me, and it’s daunting, I’ll admit it is, but it’s right. I can feel it.
I looked back across at him only to find him staring in awe at the empty space before me. I raised my eye-brows and a smile began to curl at the corner of his lips as he dragged his gaze away from it and met mine.
“You…You finished before me.”
He stammered and I nodded slowly.
“I admire your observation skills.”
I said flatly but he just continued to stare at me awe and smile. And now I was getting slightly creeped out. He carefully slid his hand across the table, his arm brushing the dirty plastic surface and then he outstretched his fingers and curled them around the various rubbish on my tray as if checking for any hidden uneaten food. He wasn’t going to find any. He picked through the empty cardboard container that was ridden with grease and salt from the chips; empty. He unfolded the wrapper my burger came in; empty. And then he opened the box that had contained my chicken nuggets; empty. He looked up at me and then grinned, his hand then moved to my face cupping it at my jawline and he leant forward pressing his lips onto mine. They were salty and sweet from his chips and the sweet chilli dip he had been smothering them in. I could see what appeared to be a lorry driver picking at a BigMac eyeing us with a scowl but for once I didn’t care. I didn’t ever seem to anymore, I guess I really have made a lot of improvements these past few months. As bad as it sounds, maybe I needed to take time out and concentrate on fixing myself, because at the moment, it really seems to be paying off and I cannot explain how happy I finally am.
Finally we pulled away but he continued to smile at me as he sunk back into his seat. Considering it was almost three in the morning there weren’t a lot of people in here, a few sleepy lorry drivers and us. But we decided to tuck ourselves away in the corner booth anyway.
“I’m so proud of you, you know.”
He told me as he devoured the remains of his burger. I leant across plucking one of his last chips and he sent me a look of warning in which response I just smiled at. In all honesty, I was actually kind of relieved that Niall finally revisited the idea of moving in together. I didn’t want to push him about it since I know he has a really busy lifestyle and all so I just waited, waited until we finally stopped this whole break thing that to be honest I was getting pretty sick of. I was planning on going back to London and finding him in two weeks’ time anyway, but he beat me to it and came to New York. And then I remembered that we hadn’t even discussed this. Since I wasn’t expecting him to turn up at all, not that I wasn’t happy that he did, I really am; it was just so unexpected. Bet management’s not gonna be very happy though.
“Niall?”
I started and he looked up at me as he began folding away his rubbish and finishing his drink.
“Uh huh?”
“Thanks…Thank you for coming here. You didn’t have to.”
I smiled and now he snapped his gaze to mine and for a moment he just looked at me and then gave me a small smile. I felt his fingers creep onto my leg and then slide up my thigh and this time I didn’t pull it away as he began caressing it with his thumb in small and simple movements. But they were filled with so much power as it seeped through me, making me feel all tingly.
“You say that, but I kinda did. I couldn’t leave it any longer Ash. I…I just really wanted you to see that you’re the only one I have eyes for and ever have. But...Is everything really okay now? Any other times I’ve screwed up or I will in the future, you’re the only one that matters to me. Can you see that?”
I sighed and then looked down at my lap and slipped my fingers in between his entwining them together he instantly locked them and gave my hand a squeeze. I bit my lip and I could feel his bright irises on me, watching, waiting for me to say something back. Suddenly he seemed to get a bit tenser. I could see that, of course I could. When Niall’s genuine I can always tell and he is, and he always has been with me. It wasn’t the fact that he felt he needed to say sorry a million times that made me love him more, it was the fact that he was honest with me; and that was all I could ever ask for.
“Of course everything is okay...It wasn't just you that this thing was about Niall, in fact, it was probably more about me. Don't you understand? I couldn't...I couldn't be happy with you, until I was happy with myself. Niall I could see that and I forgave and believed you the first time you told me you were sorry. It’s not the initial apologies that were important to me, it was the messy details and hurt that was left over afterwards. But I told you, it’s okay, I’m over it now. The past is the past.”
For a minute he didn’t say anything, do anything, he just stared back at me. I could practically see the guilt oozing out of him. I wondered if it was the same type of guilt I felt for so long when I broke up with him; but there was no real way of telling. Because there’s some things you just can’t describe, you can pluck any random word from the dictionary, you can twist it, turn it, change it’s context, it’s meaning, but you can’t make it describe that feeling. Because some things, are left better undefined. Unexplained. Unspoken.
“I…I know you said you’re finished with this conversation but there’s still some things I wanna clear up with you. I mean, if you don’t mind?”
He stammered and I looked up at him trying to force a small smile. In all honesty; this conversation was and had been, killing me. Of course it was nice to get his side on everything, for me to hear and listen to his apologies, his confessions and honesty in person, but really; maybe it had just been so long since it actually happened all conversation about it had run dry in my mind. And that was okay, because I wasn’t at all thirsty for it. But in his mind there still was, and that was okay too, because not everything can always go my way and I understand that. I understand it a lot better now than I used to, that’s for sure.
“Sure,” I said folding up a napkin with my free hand and placing it with the rest of my rubbish. “Shoot.”
For at least ten seconds he was silent and I could tell he was thinking. Forming the words, contemplating different ways to phrase it. I’d done this so many times too so I understood and I waited patiently as I busied myself with compacting the rubbish into the smallest possible form. Even though I’ve been doing a lot of work on the way I convey myself I still am obsessed with things being neat and tidy. And I don’t think that’s something I’ll ever get over. It’s just who I am. And Niall’s gonna have to put up with it twenty-four seven…Poor him. He knows what he’s getting himself into.
He reached forward placing his hands over my busily moving ones, halting me to an abrupt stop. I looked up at him and then back down at our hands and he slowly let them go but then brought them into the middle of the table slipping his fingers in between mine. I of course obliged and then gave him a small smile encouraging him to carry on with his train of thought and speech. I had learnt to be more understanding too, which I actually found made things a lot easier for myself as well as other people.
“Okay so first, this is just something I’ve been curious about for a while, well, ever since it happened. You know…You know the first time I went to go and see Ellie? You know that day?”
I nodded slowly and he smiled and then shook his head and then latched his gaze back onto mine.
“Well, how the hell did you hear what I said?”
I smiled and then rolled my eyes playfully. I knew he’d push me for this eventually. I sunk back into my seat and felt my heart began to beat a bit faster as I remembered his words; they had to be some of the sweetest things anyone’s ever said about me.
“Okay, so first of all I’m really sorry for eavesdropping and all. I know that it wasn’t meant for my ears but still, I just had to. Okay? There’s a…There’s a camera in that room that’s linked up to my laptop, so I don’t miss anything. And I know you never meant for me to hear that but I’m kind of glad I didn’t miss that…Sorry?”
I offered my apologies smiling sheepishly. It took him a few seconds to take this in and then he smiled shaking his head at me, I just smiled knowing he wasn’t mad. Just curious, but that was always Niall though, nosy. But I suppose I had been too, those words weren’t meant for my ears, or maybe anyone’s ears, but I still sat there and listened. But I couldn’t help it, it was about me, I had to, and besides if he had said something that wasn’t so undeniably sweet then I would have never known.
“You sneaky little thing. Do you know how embarrassing this is?”
He whined and as I looked back up at him I could see a light blush emitting on his cheeks. In my opinion; it only made him cuter. Which really, just completely piled on top of the urge to kiss him senseless right now as I was reminded of all those things he had said. And the thing was, that he hadn’t even known I was listening or that I’d ever find out, or that anyone was listening for that matter, he said those things all by himself. And not to even get on the good side of me or even the good side of my sister; it was because he actually meant them. And that was the most beautiful thing for me.
“Awh, I’m sorry. Don’t be embarrassed I found it undeniably cute.”
I smiled and then leant forward pressing my lips against his in a sweet and chaste kiss. By now the sleepy lorry drivers had filed out grumbling something under their breath about teenagers as they passed us. It didn’t exactly bother me. Despite his embarrassment he kissed me back harder and I reached up running my fingers through his hair as his hands roamed my thighs.
“It wasn’t funny.”
He said against my lips his sentence muffled as he did so. I just smiled as I ran my fingers along his jawline and beamed at him.
“So what else did you have to ask me?”
I urged, keen to get this over with. His smile faded and he licked his lower lip but then he pressed a kiss to my forehead before sinking back into his seat – slightly surprised by his sudden retraction – I hesitantly did the same and stared at him expectantly. I folded my arms on the table as I just stared at him and his uncomfortableness waiting for him to say something.
“Wait a second,” He told me. “Let me find something.”
His tone was completely impassive as he brought out his phone and I nodded stiffly and watched him tap away for a minute or so before frowning as he scanned something and then passed it to me. My heartbeat quickened with the block print that was displayed on the screen, the 3G symbol was whirring over the text as a thin overlay but I could see what hung below clear as day, the symbol disappeared, the thing that only spelled for trouble clearly displayed though. Niall just watched me as I took it in ever growing in worry and hurt as I did so. A Dawson steals kisses with ex Horan and then fleas to NYC with ‘mystery man’.
“You cannot be serious.”
I breathed as I took in the many pictures of Justin and I from various times we’d been in the city. Half of them had been Photo shopped to look like something they weren’t. Even though he’s gay so there was no way there was anything other than a friendship going on between us I would never get as close physically to him as this article and these pictures were perceiving it to be. Niall didn’t say anything as he just stared at me with a hurt expression and raised eye-brows looking at me expectantly as I scanned the article. If Niall hadn’t been so serious I would have found this funny how they could ever think Justin and I were a couple. But unfortunately he was looking serious and I sighed handing his phone back to him.
“Seriously Niall? Do you really believe that shit?”
I asked sounding a bit more assertive than I had intended.
“Well no. But I just…It’s very convincing and I just wanted to get your side on it.”
He stammered and I just looked at him and then bit my lip.
“Oh my god is this what you were getting funny with me about?”
I accused and his expression changed into a more apologetic and wistful one and I could tell he was trying hard not to spark up argument with me over this. I wasn’t going to let this go into an argument, it was no way worth it and for as long as I could I never wanted to argue with Niall again, although I knew that was pretty impossible but there we go. I can dream.
“M-Maybe.”
I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair looking at the table for a few seconds before I looked back up at him.
“Fucking hell Niall. Right…I’m sorry for not letting you know sooner, or at all. But in those pictures, that’s Justin; he’s like my best friend here and guess what? He’s gay. I’m not and never have cheated on you with him or anyone. Half of those photos are Photo Shopped anyway.”
“What?”
Was all Niall said as if I had just asked him why pigs can’t fly or something. I rolled my eyes as I leant forward across the table.
“Gay Niall. Likes men, swings for the other team. Bent, whatever you wanna call it. He fancies you! Not me.”
I exclaimed and for a moment Niall just stared at me. He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out and then he heaved a sigh and then tangled his fingers in his hair tugging at it as he looked down at the table and then rubbed his hands over his face. Finally he looked back up at me his hair all skewwhiff from where he had pulled at it, it looked adorable. Too bad this conversation wasn’t.
“You’re joking me…I’m such a fucking idiot. Fucking hell…I’m sorry Ash. I can’t believe we could have avoided all this…Zayn is such an idiot.”
He mumbled the last bit and I quirked an eye-brow but he didn’t say anything he just kept on running his fingers through his hair and tugging at it desperately. I just stared at him waiting to see if he was going to expand on this.
“I’m so sorry love. You didn’t deserve any of what I did, no way did you.”
I leant forward so my face was inches away from his forcing him to look at me.
“It’s okay, you didn’t know. But what’s this about Zayn being an idiot?”
I queried.
“It’s nothing, don’t worry.”
He said dismissively as he looked down. But I placed two fingers underneath his chin forcing him to look at me the same way he does with me.
“Tell me.”
I sing songed and he raised his eye-brows remorse filling his eyes.
“It’s nothing, really. He just, he showed me some of those articles and put a few thoughts into my head, that’s all.”
He stuttered and I sighed. Trust Zayn .Maybe I’d be having some words with that big mouthed Bradford boy.
“And let me guess; he also told you to go on that night out with him as well?”
“M-Maybe. But it wasn’t his fault, it was mine.”
Niall admitted and I sighed as I cupped my hand around his face and then leant closer resting my forehead on his.
“I don’t…I don’t mind you going out with your friends or whatever. I’m not that selfish, I just don’t like it if he pressured you into doing something you don’t want to do. Did you want to go that night? If you did, then that’s fine, I don’t mind. But I’m just asking.”
I assured him letting my lips brush over his for a split second before pulling back and looking at him waiting for his answer. Zayn had always kind of been one to pressure people into things they didn’t want to do, although I know he didn’t ask Niall to go and snog some redhead it was other things that he might have said that concerned me.
“Honestly? No. But it’s over now, I guess. The mistakes already been made.”
“It doesn’t mean it’s too late to do anything about it. Why didn’t you just tell him you didn’t want to?”
He shrugged and then ran an uneasy hand through his hair.
“He’s persuasive, and at the time, I guess I was kinda mad at you…But I know that I was completely wrong to be now. I don’t know Ash. I’m just really sorry.”
He bit down on his lip and let it go again. I wasn’t convinced I wanted to let it go. I mean, if Zayn hadn’t persuaded him to go that night then none of this would have happened. But I suppose everything happens for a reason, although that didn’t mean that Zayn wouldn’t be in for a few colourful words or two from me. But I wasn’t going to be a bitch about it, and neither was I going to hold it against Niall or Zayn, it was just one of those things. Everyone makes mistakes, misunderstandings, and misconceptions; it’s just part of life
“I’m still gonna be having words.”
I informed him and he just gave me a look not saying anything as he melted his lips back onto mine for a few seconds.
“I know that I shouldn’t have listened, but I did and just know that I’m sorry.”
“I know you are,” I told him. “I know you are.”
-
I sighed as my reflection stared back at me. My eyes so clearly reflected in the mirror; blue contrasting against my pale complexion and then bright blonde hair. It was kind of a mish mash, but I’d learnt to accept and embrace it more these past few months. Maybe it was the nabbing thing of having nothing else to focus on, but I’d really devoted myself to getting better both inside and out these past few months. And I was proud, I really was. Of course the process of getting better had only started four months ago so I was no way cured; but to just know that I was on my way was enough for me. I’d learnt to enjoy the journey and not run to the finish line. Because maybe life isn’t about wasting it away, waiting for the uncertain future to come around a little quicker than it is. It’s about looking below the finished product and the sequences took to get there, because sometimes they’re even more beautiful than the outcome. I traced my fingers along my collar bone and observed how it wasn’t so prominent anymore. They brushed against the cool and slightly rough chain of the necklace scratching my skin in a dainty and light movement. I slowly ran them down the chain and clasped them around the charm that hung from it, it was cool and smooth against my skin. I’d done this so many times; tracing the outline, rubbing it against my skin, just in the mere unreserved and probably slightly hopeless plea that some of the magic and enchantment that was held within might just rub off on me one day, one time, if I was lucky. It was over a year old now, but somehow every time I looked at it, it always looked new. Like however many times it got battered, bruised and ended up in the wrong place it would never earn a single scratch on it. Invincible even. I liked that feeling, the feeling of invincibility. It was the same kind of feeling I got from Niall, intimate almost like whatever happened nobody could touch us because we only got stronger. I closed my eyes for a few seconds but continued to trace my fingers around the outline of it, as if however many times I did it or didn’t do it I never forget the shape. The texture and the spark that I got from it. It was special because Niall had given it to me, for all I cared it could of cost fifty pence, the fact that it came from him was all that ever mattered to me and all that ever would. I never really was one for expensive gifts.
I closed the cupboard above me that contained towels and ran my hands over my figure. It felt so good to be able stare at myself in the mirror exposed like this, only underwear to cover up and to not be constantly pointing out flaws to myself. And for once, actually feeling satisfied. Maybe I’ve learned to accept that I’m not naturally a twig and I’m not meant to be, and maybe I don’t even want to be either. I smiled to myself and then flicked the light off watching darkness cloak the bathroom before placing a hand on the door handle, twisting and hearing it crack slightly as I swung it open. My bedroom was in complete darkness – the only light slithering through the curtains – I was about to slip into my pyjamas once I found the light switch but I was instantly met with a pair of lips against mine.
“You scared…The freaking shit out of me.”
I breathed my sentence became all muffled with his lips against mine, but even though it was extremely dark I could feel him smirking against my mouth and I refrained an eye-roll.
“Sorry.”
He whispered against my lips and I said nothing as I gave in and reached my arms around his neck and extending upwards on my tiptoes kissing him back with as much passion as I could muster. I couldn’t wait until we could do this every night; just being able to spend nights in with him every night was going to be pure bliss and just this thought made me smile meaning I had to pull away. I could feel his disappointment as in what Niall would describe it was ‘just getting started’ but I left it lingering in the air tracing a finger down his chest in tease as I walked away. I switched on the lamp on my bedside table so I could at least see him, it didn’t provide a lot of light and gave the room a soft glow but it was enough to be able to see him. Suddenly my absence of clothing became very apparent to me as he looked me up and down licking his lips once. I felt a blush emit onto my cheeks; this was the first time he had seen me like this since, I, changed. Did he like what he saw? Or was I yet again, not quite on the point and too far on one side? I bit my lip suddenly finding myself reaching for my pyjamas but then he knocked them from my hands placing his hands on my hips.
“Don’t,” He breathed into my ear his breath warm as it tickled my skin leaving traces of crave lingering that caused me to shiver with want. “You’re beautiful.”
I didn’t respond – mainly because I didn’t know what to say – but apparently he wasn’t expecting me to as he began pressing soft and sweet kisses to my neck and across my jawline. A warm yet at the same freezing shiver channelled throughout my body flooding every vein and invading every artery, etching itself in deeper just as he did as he slowly began to push me back onto the soft and cozy duvet as it pressed against the bare skin of my legs and back. Right then as I kissed him back in the silent and calm atmosphere of my bedroom I knew that I was keen as ever to move in with him. I didn’t doubt we’d do this when I moved back into the house with the other boys but there was something a lot more intimate about us being completely alone. Nobody to comment, interrupt, or tease the next day. It was just us, with nobody watching it was exactly what I wanted and I got a particularly giddy feeling knowing he felt the same way. I slid my hands down his body and settled them around his waist; I clasped my fingers around the hem of this t-shirt and slowly began to tug it up silently letting him know that I wanted it off. He slowed down – which was probably good since I needed air – and then he broke away his breath ragged and hitched as he stared down at me, smirked and then raised his eye-brows.
“It’s only fair,” I breathed. “Look…At me.”
He lifted himself up slightly a gap now between our bodies as he ran his gaze up and down surveying my body, I did feel slightly self-conscious; I’d filled out quite a lot. But he wasn’t going to lie to me or pretend he liked it if he didn’t. I assured myself.
“That wasn’t an invitation.”
I tutted and he lifted his gaze back to mine and I could see the playfulness and even slight lust in his eyes as he smiled at me a cute lopsided smile; maybe it was meant to look innocent, but the look in his eyes was anything but innocent. And I loved it.
“Everything’s an invitation with you.”
He chuckled. I think he was slightly taken aback when I tugged at his top again, after all, I never used to be the overly seductive type, but a lot of things had changed. Nonetheless he let me slide it over his head and toss it aside to the floor. I encircled my arms around his body and pulled him back closer to me so there was no gap between us. He let his hand trace up my side resting it on my bra line for a few seconds before moving it up past my shoulder and to my face cupping it and moving hair out of my eyes. I was already feeling sweat gathering on my brow – it didn’t help that the thermostat was clearly on a high – but so was I, and I couldn’t feel myself cooling down too soon.
“I can’t…I can’t get over how good you look Ash. I’m so proud of you…”
He whispered against my mouth his breath hot as it hit the back of my throat. I could feel his chest rising and falling as he still attempted to catch his breath gazing longingly into my eyes with that adoration that I loved so much. But not as much as him, nothing ever would compare to the specimen of himself.
“Thank you.”
I grinned and so did he and then he slowly lifted me back up settling my body on his lap I slipped my legs either side of his waist as he resumed his lips to mine. He brought me closer as each heated second slipped by, even though it was another second closer to the next time we had to part again it was also another closer to when we would finally start to build and mould our lives together. And that was something worth waiting for, but I, wanted it to happen as soon as possible. I pulled away just as it started to get really hot – I wanted to carry on – but I was desperate for air and I thoroughly enjoyed teasing him so I slid off his lap just as I felt him craving to make a move. I could tell that he was feeling as heated up as I was him but we’d pulled an all-nighter and I was tired. He just sat there and as I went to slip off the bed he wrapped an arm around my stomach pulling me back as I giggled.
“Why do you do that to me? Little miss tease…”
“What are you talking about?”
I played along with the innocent train of actions but began to entice him further as I ran my fingers up and down his bare torso feeling him trying to catch his breath again. He shook his head as he encircled both of his arms around my waist so I couldn’t get away and pulled me closer to him smirking.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about…And I’m not afraid to do it back you know. Two can play at this game.”
I shook my head giving him a knowing smile.
“Nope. This is my bedroom, my rules. And since it’s getting light now, maybe we should think about sleeping…”
I suggested and he frowned.
“So does that mean that when we’re back in London it’s my rules?”
He wiggled his eye-brows at me and I realised I’d been caught out again; he always managed to twist things on me. Cheeky bastard.
“I guess so.”
I giggled and his smirk grew wider.
“Can’t wait…”
He grinned and I rolled my eyes as I pressed my lips against his for a few more seconds and then wiggled free of his grip and pulled back the covers slipping inside of them. He shimmied out of his jeans and tossed them aside with his t-shirt that was earlier discarded and switched off the light as he slid in beside me.
“Goodnight beautiful.”
He said into my ear and I smiled as I snuggled further into him and his body moulded to mine.
“Night Nialler.”
I echoed and I felt him smile as he fumbled his lips against my temple and we finally let ourselves slip into fatigue. Just alone, with nobody else to interrupt.
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A/N.
hii
so I told you I have news so I'm gonna get straight to the point here bitches;
I'm considering a trilogy. (thank you to whoever taught me that, that's what third books are called yesterday:S #dumb) anyway, yes, yes I am. Becuase this story is almsot as long as Picture This page wise now and I don't want to have it go over that, cus idk man there's only so long stories should be and I haven't got covered everything I wanted to happen within this story and I haven't got enough chapters left to cram it all since I don't like to rush things soo...TRILOGY. But I need your ideas okay, message me them cus like idk it's easier for me to keep track of them then. I have a few plot ideas but I NEED you to tell me your ideas nad what you'd like to see because there's no point me coming up with a whole plot and you don't like it so pleeease pleease I'm like begging you here lol any ideas you have LET ME KNOOWW. literally anything I don't care how extreme.
So about Zayn quitting twitter; I'm gonna rant about that tomorrow cus I'm pissed off with this fandom at the moment so yeah and I have to go now but can I just say I totally respect his decsion okay. So love you babies byyeee message me your ideas if you want a thrid book;D
-Emily.