Freyah Kent:
Today would have been my due date with Willow.
Wolf knows, I know and all the feelings I had been getting over for the past four months have all bubbled up again.
I have been living in a sort of limbo since my breakdown in the nursery. I have been avoiding all the Mortimers and Wolf too. I just can't face him anymore because every time our eyes meet I see the pain in them, the pain I have brought him.
It's not fair on him to take on all this, my emotions, the grief and searching for my grandfather all while being the loving husband and father I need for me and the kids.
I just hate myself so much, I have caused this family so much pain. I wish that Ollie didn't choose to save me, I know why he did but I would just love to have swapped places and let my daughter live her life rather than continue with mine.
I hate myself and the more the days go by, the more I get angry with myself that this hate builds in me and gets stronger and stronger. That's why I have been avoiding everyone and have only been with the twins and the animals so that I wouldn't blow up against anyone and make matters worse.
Rose had her baby girl recently, Leora Everleigh Rose. She is the most precious thing in this world and I just wish I didn't feel all this anger, jealousy and hate towards her. Rose has had it tough these past few months too with Kendyn being shot and knocking on death's door.
I don't know much about what goes on in the Mortimer family nowadays. I know some things when Everleigh phones me to ask if I'm ok but I always cut her short because I don't want her to check up on me, I just want to move on, yet I never quite get there because there is always something thrown in my face to remember how terrible I am. And today was the due date.
I decided to wear a light blue sundress putting my hair up in a '50s like ponytail and a pair of white trainers to run around with the boys in. The three of us were outside in the garden playing with trucks and doll houses with Trousers sitting next to me keeping guard and Smokey bathing in the sun occasionally sending a glance my way when the boys were making too much noise.
Wilder and Woodrow look so much like their dad it's unbelievable, they are now three and Wilder is the exact copy of Wolfgang. The way they act, their temper, the way they look and react to things, what they like and much more. Woodrow is a more loving soul, he, of course, has his father's temper when he wants to and he looks like him but he is more like a cuddly bear whereas Wilder is, well wild.
I haven't seen Wolf this morning nor for lunch. I just don't know what to do anymore and I think he doesn't know what to do with me either.
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Wolfgang Mortimer:
I got home late afternoon, I don't even feel welcome in my own home anymore.
I put my things down in the entrance hall and went on a search for my little gang. I heard the twin's laughter coming from the garden and followed the heavenly sound.
It always put a smile on my face when I hear the sound of my sons' laughter in this broken house because at least they are happy and healthy, I would forever be grateful for those two terrors in my life.
There she was. My beautiful wife, even with everything that has happened she still stayed the most beautiful and loving mother to my children, she has just lost herself on the way.
A mother with a missing child and that was the most painful part.
"You're back," she stated once she saw me walk out, her blue eyes meeting mine.
"Yes, my dad sent me home, said I should stay with you and the boys," I answered back.
She nodded slowly and continued with whatever she was playing with the twins when they finally realised that I was back and smothered me in hugs and kisses.
I carried them in with me to get them a snack, Freyah still didn't say a word to me and just went on auto-pilot and got some things out to eat.
"How was your day?" I asked to try and make her talk to me more. I missed the sound of her voice.
"Good." she simply replied not daring to meet my eyes.
The twins had finished eating and ran off with Trousers to play leaving Frey and I alone in the kitchen.
"Frey, talk to me, please." I pleaded, making my way towards her.
"Freyah." I tried again but she turned her back on me and continued wiping the counter with the damp rag.
"Baby please, at least look at me." I held her hips and brought her into my chest, her back against it.
"Please," I whispered in her ear making her shiver at the touch of my breath.
Silence hung in the air, the sound of our raging hearts thumping in our chests before she turned and stepped away from my touch.
"I have nothing to say to you, Wolf. There is nothing for us to talk about anymore."
She kept her head bowed and proceeded to clean the countertop on the other side.
"Why? I here for you. Please just talk to me, don't shut me out as you have done before, we need each other Saoirse and you know that. You can't just grieve by yourself, you can't just bottle it up, you will drive yourself crazy." I ranted my voice rising against my own accord.
"You don't get it do you?" she laughed bitterly.
"This is all my fault Wolf and I can't face you anymore, I can't bear the sadness I have placed in your eyes. I can't even face your family without feeling remorse or hatred towards them because I don't want their pity or their help. I just wish for all this to be over."
I was taken back by her comments, she was not the one to blame. I didn't have time to give her a response that she had started talking again.
"Why didn't you save her? Why me? I didn't deserve to live and you know it." I could see the tears building in her eyes.
"Because I love you Freyah and I couldn't live without you let alone raise three kids without you by my side. I love you Saoirse but I don't think you understand that, that I am here for you, that I love you and will be here for you no matter what." I confessed but I could see that it wasn't going to make her change her mind.
"I know you miss her, I do too, so much. I think sometimes about what if I had chosen differently, what if you had died, would Willow have made it? Would she be fine? How the boys would be without you to kiss them goodnight. That's all I have been thinking about since I held Willow in my arms at the hospital." I was about to continue when Frey turned around and met my gaze.
"You go to hold her?" she questioned, her voice barely above a whisper.
"Yes I did–" she cut me off once again.
"I didn't get to hold her. I never got to see her, to hold her and say goodbye and yet you did? Why didn't you tell me? Why Wolf?" a lone tear slid from her eye but she was quick to wipe it away before it could continue any further.
"I don't know, it probably slipped my mind with everything going on." I honestly stated I didn't think she would take it badly.
"It just slipped your mind? I have been yearning to hold my child in my arms, to have seen who she looked the more like between the both of us and you got to do that and you never told me?"
"Well, it's not like you have been very talkative either these past few months. I feel like you are the only one that has been affected by Willow's death but it seems that you keep forgetting that I was her father and that she was my daughter too. You are not the only one that has lost something precious to you. I not only lost my daughter that day but I also lost my wife too."
I finished and saw her with tears streaming down her cheeks her mouth agape staring at me. I sighed looking at her one last time before walking out of the kitchen and headed to the door.
"OLIVER!" She yelled chasing behind me.
I put my jacket on, taking my car keys and wallet.
"Daddy!" Wilder screamed running towards me with Trousers in tow.
"Where you go?" he asked tugging at my pants wanting to come with me.
"Daddy's going out for a bit but I will be back ok? Stay and be good to mummy." he nodded his head and ran back off to the living room.
"Where are you going?" her sweet voice rang in my ears.
I turned around and saw her with her arms crossed and trying to wipe her tears away and keep a brave face.
"I'll be back later, I just need to take care of some things and cool off," I answered a little dryly.
"Be safe please, I love you," she whispered playing with her fingers.
A small smile graced my lips.
"I will, I just need to cool off."
She nodded and let me walk out of the door.
Lord only knows what will happen when I get back but when I do it will be once I have found that Bastard of a grandfather she has.
________________________________
Welcome to the world Leora Everleigh Rose Emery.
Their first 'fight' about Willow...
Will Wolf find her grandfather?
What will happen next?
Thoughts? Predictions?
We are nearing the end of Wolfgang (so sad)...
Merry Xmas eve to you all! I hope you have a lovely time and enjoy the season where ever you are in the world and no matter what you celebrate!
Don't forget to get your copy of 'His, Her, Ours' now available on Amazon! All the links are in my bio on my profile or on my Instagram!
love
xoxoxox