Chapter 11: See you later
Dalawang laro, dalawang manlalaro... Ngunit isa lang ang maaaring manalo. If I win this game, he will lose his mom. If he win this game, I will lose Rafael. I suddenly get torn between two things. I don't know what to do. I want him to win his game but I want to win mine too.
"Mads?" Rocky called my attention when thoughts filled my mind. "I know you get my point. So... It is settled then?"
Why are you giving me so much choices? Why are you giving me every possible advantage in this game? Why can't you be selfish now to own me just like what you used to do? What is with the sudden changed of heart?
"D-Don't you want to see your Mom?" I asked.
"Gusto naman," paunang sagot nito. "Ikaw ba? Ayaw mong malaman ang tinatagong feelings ni Raf sa 'yo? You only need to choose, Mads."
"The irony, Rocky. You want to see your mom but you are giving me a choice so I can break the rule in your game." Tinitigan ko siya nang masama. "I also want you to see your Mom. Can't you see? I am helping you. "
"But you also want to know his feelings for you, right?" He cut me out. "I know what it feels like, Mads. I know how it feels coveting someone's attention. Trust me, I know it more than anyone else around. And I don't want you to suffer just like... I am."
"Why? Why do you care so much to me now?"
"Because maybe..." He smiled. "For the first time in my life, I found someone who sees me. Someone who can feel my presence. Funny. I didn't know I could care this intense to someone."
I looked away and gulped hard when a lump got in my throat.
"Don't be a fool. Matagal na kitang kaibigan," bulong ko. "Unfair. Ngayon mo lang napagtanto."
"Really?!" Namamangha ang boses niya. "So... We are friends now, officially."
Muli akong tumingin sa kanya. Bumungad sa akin ang nakalahad niyang kamay sa harapan ko. Todo ngiti ito habang ginagalaw pa ang kanyang kamay na parang naghihintay.
"A-Ano 'yan?"
"For formality. Let's make this bond official."
I held his hand and he tightened the grip. It was so tight that I could feel how happy he was at this moment. It was so tight that I could feel how scared he was by thinking he might also lose me someday. It was so tight... But no matter how he held me, I kept on loosening the grip.
Pagkabawi ko ng kamay ko sa kanya ay mabilis na umiwas ako ng tingin.
"Deal," I mumbled.
"What?"
Huminga ako nang malalim bago tumingin sa kanya. Alam kong naging makasarili ako para pumayag sa kagustuhan niya. Pero ito ang pagkakataon na hindi ko dapat sayangin. I will just be thankful he came to rescue my dying feeling.
"Let's play two games for now on," I mumbled.
"Deal, Mads."
Matapos ng pag-uusap namin tungkol sa dalawang laro na lalaruin naming ay bumalik na kami sa loob. Sinara uli ni Rockya ng bintana at ibinaba ang kurtina.
"Pwede ko bang puntahan si Kael?" tanong ko.
Kanina pa kasi 'yon sa loob, hindi man lang lumabas. Mukhang nag-enjoy talaga siya sa kwarto ni Rocky.
"Tara," aya sa akin ni Rocky.
Sumunod ako.
Binuksan niya ang pinto. Dilim ang bumungad sa akin na kaunting pinapaliwanag ng malaking screen ng TV. Pagkabukas ng ilaw ay tumambad sa akin ang kapatid kong nakahiga sa kama at natutulog. Kaya naman pala ang tahimik niya.
"Come on in," aya pa ni Rocky.
Pumasok ako. Nangatog ako sa sobrang lamig. Amoy na amoy ko ang pabango ni Rocky sa kwartong ito. Wala namang kakaiba sa kwarto niya, parang sa sala lang. Malinis ang kulay puting pader. May malaking kama na may kulay brown na bedsheet.
Ang pinakanakaagaw ng atensyon ko ay ang malaking teddy bear sa dulo. Mabilis na kinuha 'yon ni Rocky at ipinasok sa cabinet. Pinulot din niya ang nahulog na unan ni Mikael. Binunot niya ang saksakan ng TV sa socket at hininaan nang kaunti ang AC.
What's with that teddy bear?
I roamed my eyes around. His room was cold, lonely, and quiet. I imagined him lying down the bed, staring at the ceiling with nothing but that teddy bear to comfort him in his darkest hour. Tahimik na kahit na ang mga hikbing hindi tumagas sa kanyang bibig ay naririnig.
I've never knew someone as lonely as he is. And I didn't also expect him to be like this.
Maingat na umupo ako sa tabi ng kapatid ko. Tumingin ako kay Rocky na nanatiling nakatayo sa harapan ko. Lumapit ito sa pinto at isinara 'yon bago lumingon uli. Sandaling bumalin sa kapatid ko bago bumalik ang tingin sa akin.
"I told you, Mads. Nothing is special in my room," he whispered. "It's just a room where I sleep at night."
"What do you do here when alone?" I asked. He's alone. I wonder what he does everytime he's at home. No one talks to him, no one listens to. Just him... And the four sides of this freezing room.
"I don't stay here often, only when I sleep." He shrugged his shoulder. "May isang lugar akong malimit na puntahan. I would rather stay there, wait until night when I am finally drunk. Kapag umuwi ako ay tulog agad. Kapag kagising ay mag-aayos ng sarili at lalabas na naman."
Tumango ako. "Place?"
"Dadalhin kita ro'n sa susunod," sabi niya. "It is not your kind of place. Not my kind of place too, but when silence becomes defeaning, that place has been my escape."
Oh, man. What a lonely boy you have been. Mas swerte pa rin pala ako. Kahit na stuck ako sa bahay ay kasama ko si Mikael. May nakakausap pa rin ako. Unlike this guy... He has no one to lean to when world gives too much things to handle.
"How about your Tito?" I asked. "You mentioned him last time. Best friend ng parents mo na nagma-manage ng company niyo. Aren't you that close? Don't you talk to him often?"
He shook his head. "He's just like my parents. Whenever we have an engagement, it is all about business. Well, he would ask me first how's my day and after that is all about business."
"That's how important having friends, Rocky. You don't need to have a bunch or to be that friendly to everyone. Sometimes, one is enough."
Mayamaya ay nagising na rin si Mikael. Nag-dinner muna kami bago napagpasyahan nang umuwi. Hinatid kami ni Rocky sa bahay gaya ng kanyang ipinangako. Pagkapasok namin sa bahay ay si Papa agad ang sumalubong sa amin. Nakangiti ito gaya nung umalis kami kaninang umaga para pumasok.
"Nag-dinner na kayo?" tanong niya sa amin.
"Yep!" Si Mikael ang sumagot.
"How was it?" sunod na tanong ni Papa, sabik na malaman kung paano lumipas ang mga oras nang wala siya sa tabi namin, sabik na malaman ang mga lalabas sa bibig namin.
No one will be there when he gets home. No one will ask how's his day.
Pagkapasok ko sa room ko ay agad na kinuha ko ang phone ko. Wala pang text message galing kay Rocky kaya malamang na pauwi pa lang siya. Kaya napagpasyahan kong ako na muna ang mauunang mag-text.
"Ingat. Text me when you get home," I said.
Ibinaba ko muna ang phone ko para maglinis ng katawan. Naghilamos ako at nagpalit ng damit. Sinilip ko rin si Mikael sa kwarto nila, tulog na rin ito. Si Papa naman ay nanunuod pa ng TV.
Sinenyasan ako ni Papa na maupo sa tabi niya na ginawa ko naman. Sumandal ako sa balikat niya. Pinaglaruan niya ang buhok ko.
"Hindi ako kailanman naging kumportable sa mga taong umaaligid sa 'yo," bulong niya. "I've never agreed so easily to someone who asked me to have a time with you. There's something about that guy who doesn't worry me."
"Because he's good, Pa," I whispered.
"And I wouldn't be surprised if someday, you will confront me for admitting you've fallen in love with him," he whispered. "And don't be also surprised that I would just nod my head and give you a tight hug and I whisper, you are in good hands."
He's not that hard to love. Kung bakante lang din ako ay baka nakuha niya ang loob ko. We have many similarities that makes us fit to each other. There's something about him that I want to protect. And even if it is not because of love, I will still protect and help him.
Pagkabalik ko sa kwarto ay naabutan kong umiilaw ang phone ko.
"Nakauwi na po," Rocky replied.
Humiga ako bago nag-reply. "I noticed something in your condo. Don't you like music? Wala akong makitang speakers. Or you use headphones?"
"I don't listen to music. Scary but feels like it talks to me."
"LMAO. That means your lonely ass can relate," I sent that before typing another one. "Listen to music often, dude. You say, silence is defeaning. I have a good news to you. Music is knocking on your door rn."
Isang minuto ang lumipas nang walang reply. Akala ko ay nakatulog na siya.
Napabangon ako nang makitang tumatawag siya. Sumandal ako sa headboard ng kama, hinablot ang unan at niyakap. Tumikhim ako bago sinagot ang kanyang tawag.
"Hey, dude." I started to convo.
"That's fucking scary, Mads. Why would music knock on my door?"
"You're kidding me." Pinigilan ko ang matawa. Kahit na alam kong nagbibiro lang ito ay natatawa ako sa boses niya. He really sound scary.
I imagined him, staring on his door, thinking something would really knock any moment.
"Tell them to go away, Mads." Narinig kong gumalaw siya, parang humiga sa kama. "I don't need them. I am currently listening to my kind of music."
"My voice?"
Narinig ko ang mahina niyang pagtawa. "I didn't expect you to be this arrogant to easily think it's you."
"Then, what?" I frowned.
Wala pang pumuri sa boses ko. I know how to sing but I don't do it well.
"I didn't also say it's not you."
"So it is really me?" I suddenly craved for a compliment about my voice.
"But I didn't also say it's you."
"Stop playing or I'll end this call," I threatened him.
"What do you want to hear, baby?" His voice suddenly became seductive.
"Never mind. Forget it---"
"Damn. My music is really good. Talk more, please... Until I fall asleep."
I bit my bottom lip. Nag-init ang mukha ko. Be careful with your words, dude. Someone is blushing here.
"Kidding," pagbawi niya. "You still have a class tom. I'll hang up this call."
"Wait!" pigil ko sa kanya. "Have you ever heard of the best invention ever? It saves a lot of people everyday. Well, dude. My phone has an alarm clock."
I should be the one insisting to end this call but I end up begging for more. Well, done. Rocky boy.
"Mads?" His voice was so calm that made me a bit sleepy. "I'm really sorry for forcing you to play my game. I'm sorry for using that to make you agree. I'm sorry for not regretting it."
"You told me to forget about it---"
"No, Mads. You knew, right?" He asked. "It was all a lie. Hindi aksidente na ikaw ang napili ko sa larong ito. Hindi totoong may time-limit ang first task. Sinadya talaga kita nung araw na 'yon. Inabangan kita."
"R-Rocky---"
"I saw you pushed your Mom out of the pavement and get hit by the approaching car, Mads. I know you didn't mean it. But I saw it... And I chose you because I know I can use that against you. To blackmail you."
"Y-You're right," I said. "Maaga pa pasok ko bukas. Good night, Rocky."
He let out a heavy sigh. "I'm really sorry, Mads. Good night."
I was the one who ended the call.
That. Akala ko ay 'yon din ang dahilan ko kung bakit pumayag sa larong ito. Akala ko ay 'yong binulong niya sa akin na nagdulot ng kaba at pangangatog ng tuhod ang dahilan kaya napapayag niya ako sa larong ito. That was my reason at first, but as time passed by, I realized it was more than that. We shared same sentiments about our Moms. But the thing is... In my case, I was at fault.
I lost my mom because of me, not totally my fault but I think of it sometimes. It was morning that day. Dad had a bad dream. Pinagpawalan niya kaming lumabas nung araw na 'yon, masama raw ang kutob niya. But Mom insisted, saying that was just a dream. Si Mikael lang ang hindi pumasok. Sinabi ni Mama na ihahatid-sundo niya ako sa school. Sinundo rin ako ni Mama nung pauwi. Pauwi na no'n nang asarin ako ni Mama tungkol kay Rafael, nalaman niyang may crush ako sa kanya. We were walking on the pavement when she started to tickle me. Sa sobrang tuwa ko ay napalakas ang tulak ko sa kanya. And that's it.
Ang alam lang ni Papa ay naaksidente si Mama habang pauwi kami. And the moment Rocky said that he saw me pushed my Mom, I got nervous that he would tell Dad about that. Without hesitation, I agreed to play the game.
Hinawi ko ang luha sa aking mga mata.
Kinabukasan, habang nag-aagahan kami ay si Kael lang ang nagkukwento tungkol sa pagpunta namin sa condo ni Rocky. I was just silently eating and listening to his story just like Dad.
"He has a snake too!" He slightly chewed his food. "It's actually a fish, but he named it snake. Cool, right, Dad?"
Sumimsim ako sa kape ko. "You mean, weird?"
"79th floor. Ang taas," namamangha pang sabi ni Kael. "Sobrang lamig din sa kwarto niya. Tapos sila Ate Mad at Kuya Rocky ay nasa labas. Kuya Rocky let me in his room so they can have a privacy."
Napaubo ako sa sinabi niya. Hindi ko naisip ang dahilan na 'yon kaya gusto ko siyang batukan dahil sa pagiging malisyoso.
"Can you just be thankful he let you in his room?" I rolled my eyes.
"Oo nga, Kael," pagsang-ayon ni Papa. "Tama lang 'yon. May mga topic kasi ang mga matatanda na bawal sa mga batang katulad mo."
"May gusto ka ba kay Kuya Rocky, Ate Mad?"
Nabulunan ako sa sariling laway dahil sa tanong na 'yon. Madiin kong tiningnan ang kapatid ko.
"I bet no," sagot nito sa sarili. "You're occupied by someone else. The guy in your drawing. Aw. Poor guy."
"Tapos ka na? baka ma-late tayo," putol ko sa kadaldalan niya.
Hinatid kami ni Papa sa school bago siya dumiretso sa work. Pagkapasok ko pa lang sa classroom ay ang mga tingin agad ni Ra fang sumalubong sa akin. He was sitting beside Erick who was focused on her book, she didn't even notice my arrival.
Dumiretso ako sa upuan ko at inayos ang bag ko.
Nakita kong may ibinulong si Raf kay Ericka na ikinatawa nito. Napaiwas ako ng tingin nang halikan niya ito sa pisngi.
Lunch break, as usual, I am with them.
"What's your endearment?" tanong bigla ni Ericka.
"It depends on a situation. Kapag nagbibiruan, I call him dude. When sweet moments, baby," I casually answered.
I chewed my food, avoiding Raf's eyes.
Kinuha ko ang phone ko nang mag-vibrate ito. Uminom ako ng tubig bago binasa ang message ni Rocky.
"If my calculation is right, lunch break?"
I immediately replied, "Your calculation is right then."
"Avoid softdrinks, please. Water is better."
I smiled. "Coming from a guy who drinks alcohol."
Hindi na ako nakakain dahil sa palitan namin ng mga mensahe. Sina Ericka at Rafael din ay nag-uusap.
"Don't mind me. Sino kasama mo?" tanong niya.
"As usual," I replied.
"Open your data connection," he commanded.
Without asking why, I turned on my data connection. Napalunok ako nang makitang tumatawag siya sa video call app. Umayos ako ng upo bago sinagot ang kanyang tawag.
Bumungad sa akin ang mukha niya. Bahagya niyang inilayo ang camera para makunan ang kanyang background.
"Having my lunch too," he said.
"OMG," dinig ko ang mahinang pagdaing ni Ericka nang sumilip sa phone ko. Hinila niya ang upuan niya palapit sa akin. "Hi, Rocky!"
"Oh, hey there." Sumubo ng pagkain si Rocky, mahina itong ngumuya.
"Kain ka muna," sabi ko.
"If that means I'll end this call, I am full," he chuckled.
I glared at him.
"Biro lang po," pagbawi nito.
"Are you alone?" tanong ni Ericka.
Naramdaman ko rin na hinila ni Ra fang kanyang upuan palapit sa akin. Napasinghap ako nang magbangga ang aming mga braso. Sumilip siya sa phone ko at kumaway.
"Hey, man," Raf said.
Rocky just nodded his head.
"I'm with Mad," sagot ni Rocky sa tanong ni Ericka. Iniharap niya ang camera sa isang upuan. Nakita namin ang teddy bear na nakita ko sa kwarto niya. It was sitting beside him. "Say hi, baby..."
Tumawa si Ericka. "Is that Mad?"
"Yep." Binalik uli ni Rocky ang camera sa kanya. "I named her after my girl. We can't be together often. We are both busy. Para sa kahit ganitong paraan ay parang kasama ko rin siya."
Is that it? Totoo ba ang mga sinabi niya?
"Often?" Raf interrupted. "No matter how busy you are, you must find your way for her."
Nagulat ako sa sinabi ni Raf pero nanatili ang tingin ko kay Rocky.
"That's right, man. Pero ibang usapan kapag si Mad ang busy, I don't want to disturb her. I would kick out everyone who dares to disturb my girl, well, expet his Dad and brother." He laughed.
"That's no good, man. You can never be a distraction to someone who loves you." Napansin ko ang pagbalin ng tingin sa akin ni Raf. Hindi 'yon pansin ni Ericka. Nasa magkabila silang panig ko.
"That's so sad for you, man. Kapag kasi kasama ako ni Mad, nadi-distract siya. Imbes na mag-aral ay yumayakap siya sa akin at pauulanin ako ng halik. You know what is not good? If you can't even distract the someone you love, that only means your presence doesn't matter."
Hindi na nakapagsalita si Rafael matapos no'n.
And my man won the game.
"What time next subject niyo?" tanong ni Rocky.
Tumingin naman sa orasan si Ericka. "10 more minutes," sagot nito.
"Good. Can I have some privacy with you, baby?"
Nagpaalam ako kina Ericka. Hindi man lang ako nilingon ni Raf. Pero napansin kong nakakuyom ang kanyang mga kamao.
Lumabas ako ng cafeteria at humanap ng mas tahimik na lugar.
"Marami rin palang magagandang babae sa school niyo," dinig kong sabi ni Rocky. "Iharap mo nga camera sa paligid."
Ginawa ko ang gusto niya. Mas itinapat ko sa mga babaeng naglalakad. Ibinalik ko uli ang camera sa akin.
"Satisfied?" I asked.
"Damn. I finally found the best one."
Ignoring what he said, "You did great there, dude."
"The guy is fucking jealous," he laughed. "I wouldn't be surprised if death threats come after what happened."
"Raf is not that kind of person, Rocky."
"That's a joke."
"Fine."
"You mad?" He asked. "Yeah, of course you are. Okay. Are you angry?"
Imbes na mas mainis ay nagawa niya akong patawanin.
"Hindi ka ba nagtatali ng buhok?" bigla niyang tanong.
Umiling ako. "Mas kumportable ako kapag nakalugay."
"We have a task later," he said.
"You did great on my game, expect it back on your game." I winked.
"What the fuck?!" He bursted out. "Did you just wink at me?"
"Unless I have a problem with my eye? Yes. Is it a big deal?" I frowned. "You always do it to me."
He nodded his head.
Napansin kong pumula ang kanyang mukha. "Namumula ka..."
"Damn. Can't wait to see you later."
I couldn't agree more. I've never been this thrilled to see someone. Rocky is giving me a lot of first time feelings.
"I'll take a screenshot of this call, okay lang?" tanong niya.
"Sure..."
"In the count of three..." He said. " One... Two..."
Ngumiti ako kasunod ng pagtunog ng kanyang phone.
"See you later?" He asked.
I nodded my head with a wide smile plastered on my face as I said, "Can't wait to see you later, dude."