It was past eight when Remus was finally able to drag himself back to the Gryffindor Common room. Bertram insisted on hearing the story of how Remus got his scars at least four times. Bertram then went on to insist that Sirius was a terrible person who Remus should no longer be friends with. Remus could only sigh and play along because Bertram was relentless.
"Hey," Remus said, as he sat on a couch next to Sirius, "I hope I didn't cross a line, telling Bertram that story."
Sirius shook his head, and tried and ultimately failed, to form a coherent sentence; Remus was sitting at the worst possible distance from him- far enough that they weren't touching, but so close that they should have been.
The biggest problem with Sirius' crush on Remus was that he was finding it harder and harder to control himself. It wasn't so much regarding being jealous or pining for Remus to acknowledge him, after all Remus was his friend, so for the most part, Sirius felt like Remus gave him ample attention. But Sirius still had a problem. He always wanted to touch Remus. Just any sort of physical contact. When Remus was laying in bed, Sirius wanted to crawl in too; every time Sirius sat next to Remus, he had to constantly remind himself not to run his hand over Remus' thigh; Sirius wished he could slip his cold hands under Remus' thick sweater and finger every scar that littered Remus' pale skin; he wanted to caress every part of Remus' face as if he could memorize it by touch; and Sirius really really wanted to know what the soft skin on Remus' neck felt like under his lips, Sirius wondered if Remus as susceptible to love bites as he was.
But even though Sirius wanted all of these things, he didn't try to take them. He didn't think Remus felt that way about him, and he wasn't going to lose an amazing person and friend over an unrequited crush.
Sirius did think a lot though about why he was feeling this way. It wasn't like he grew up in a home where affection of any type was doled out. But maybe that's why Sirius felt the need to give it to someone he loved, but this theory was debunked because Sirius loved other people, like James and Regulus, in a brotherly way. But he really didn't want anything from them. Sometimes after Sirius confided in James, the latter would offer a hug that Sirius was pretty impartial to, but he took it anyways because the one time he didn't James looked like he was a kicked puppy. And it wasn't like Sirius wasn't getting non platonic physical affection either. Sirius wasn't proud of the fact that he knew the location of nearly every broom closet in school, but he did, and he had the gaudy purple bruises in his neck to show it.
Sirius thought that maybe he should just tell Remus, at least then they wouldn't be keeping secrets from each other. But what if Remus didn't feel the same way, that would be embarrassing. What if Remus didn't want to be Sirius' friend after he found out that Sirius had a crush on him for more than a month? Of course he wouldn't do that, Sirius thought to himself, just tell him.
"Tell me what?" Remus asked, turning a page in his book.
"Huh?"
Remus looked up at Sirius, "you were just muttering about telling someone something."
"Oh," Sirius laughed nervously, he hadn't realized he was thinking out loud, "yeah, just- it was nothing."
Remus closed his book and looked carefully at his friend. "Can we talk?"
Sirius felt his heart plummet into his stomach. Marlene must have spilled the beans, Remus had to know already. "S-sure."
Remus stood up and waited for Sirius to do the same before leading the way to their dormitory.
"Wh-what do you want to talk about?" Sirius sat down on his bed and Remus leaned against a corner post of his own, facing Sirius.
"I'm really sorry," Remus said.
Sirius wasn't expecting that, "for what?"
Remus bit his lip and Sirius thought he was going to explode. "I haven't been a great friend."
"What?" Sirius chuckled.
"I'm being serious." Remus said sternly. "I mean it was only the first day and we were fighting, and then I let Bertram come to game night." Remus paused and let out a heavy sigh. "Sirius. You're spiraling."
Sirius swallowed the lump growing in his throat. "I was."
"And you were acting out by sleeping with all those girls, and I didn't even try to talk to you about it."
"Remus, you can't blame yourself for that. I'm just, I'm not sure how to explain what I'm doing. And I just need time to work through it, my way."
There was a long pause, "I don't want you to feel obligated to tell me anything."
"I know." Sirius smiled softly.
"I understand how you were feeling when you told me you felt alone. And I just want to tell you that you'll never be alone while I'm here."
"I know." Sirius replied.
Remus collapsed onto his own bed. It felt like he just released the weight of the world.
"You know," Sirius began, "if you ever need to, or want to, talk to me you can. I know I'm not the only one who's trying to hide the battles I'm fighting."
Sirius watched Remus instinctively reach up and feel the new scars on his face.
"Everyone stares at them." Remus said quietly, "I pretend I don't notice them looking, but I do. How could I not?"
Sirius sat up. "I know. But what anyone else thinks doesn't matter."
Tears were pooling up in Remus' eyes. He hated everything about the scars, how they made him look, how they made him feel. "A first year told me this morning that his dad is a werewolf, and that he knew I was one too." Remus sat up to see Sirius' reaction, and tears spilled onto his cheeks in the process.
"Who?"
"It doesn't matter. He says he'll keep it a secret, and I trust him."
Sirius stood and sighed, already worrying that this boy could expose Remus to the whole school. He walked over and sat down next to Remus. He raised his hand, then quickly retracted it. "Ugh, can I," he paused and repeated both previous actions.
Remus hated people looking at, talking about, and especially touching his scars, but he felt compelled to let Sirius feel them anyways, "sure," he breathed shakily as Sirius moved his fingertips across the fleshy imperfections. More hot tears slipped out of Remus' eyes. Sirius tenderly swiped them away. "I'm sorry," Remus muttered.
"You have nothing to be sorry for."
Remus nodded softly, pressed his cheek into the palm of Sirius' hand and closed his eyes, more tears leaked out.
"Please don't blame yourself for anything I do." Sirius murmured as he ran his hand through Remus' hair and behind his ear.
"I'm sorry for everything."
Remus sounded so defeated, and it was killing Sirius. Remus had nothing to apologize for. He hadn't done anything wrong. "You have absolutely nothing to apologize to me for."
Remus was leaning his head on Sirius' shoulder and Sirius was rubbing comforting circles over his back."I just feel like I can't do anything right. Bertram thinks I'm not spending enough time with him, and my homework is backing up a bit. And I'm just so tired all the time."
Sirius had a lot to say about what Remus told him, but Remus wasn't in the right head-space for Sirius to tell him. Sirius wanted to tell him to tell Bertram to screw off. Anyone who made Remus feel bad about what he was doing deserved nothing from him. Remus was the kindest, most caring person there was, and Bertram was currently hanging over him like a dark cloud. "Remus." Sirius said sternly, and Remus sat straight up to look him in the eye, "you are the best, you deserve the best, and you shouldn't force yourself to stay in any situation that makes you think otherwise."
"I think he's going to figure it out soon." Remus admitted.
Sirius wasn't sure how to respond initially, "he won't, I'll make sure he doesn't," he finally said.
"If he does-"
"He won't" Sirius' voice was no longer soft and reassuring, it was cold and unwavering.
"Listen, Sirius. I need to be prepared for it if he does. Because no doubt, he'll tell everyone. I'm not sure that anything would stop him from revealing it. But maybe, if I can just make him think that I have real feelings for him again, he won't feel the need to snoop around."
Sirius was nodding and thinking about options.
"And he told me tonight that he thinks I shouldn't be friends with you."
Sirius stood up abruptly and began pacing the room. "Well, what are we going to do?"
"I'm not going to stop being your friend, that's just not an option, ever."
"Okay." Sirius was still pacing. How could it be his luck that the one person he had actual feelings for was being forced away.
"So maybe,when we're not alone or in this tower, we just pretend to not be friends." Sirius didn't respond. "I know, I know. It sounds childish and petty, but I think that it's what's best."
Sirius sat back down next to Remus. "Okay," he said again, because no words would actually convey what he wanted to say. He couldn't ask Remus to change his plan, because he had not alternative to give, and with Remus' secret on the line, Sirius wasn't going to make the decision any harder for his friend. Sirius felt so incredibly angry. Bertram was unknowingly blackmailing Remus into a relationship that he didn't want to have. And once again with such a big secret in the mix, there was no way to avoid it for now.
"I truly am sorry."
Sirius inhaled deeply before he spoke so he could choose his words correctly, "I understand, Remus. There is nothing to be sorry for. This whole fucked up situation is out of your control, and you can't go around blaming yourself."
Remus nodded silently and Sirius stood to leave. "If you, ugh, want to sleep here tonight, that's okay," Remus said before he could even think. Some subconscious part of his mind was already preparing for distancing himself from one of his best friends, so he figured he'd take all the time with Sirius he could.
Sirius smiled sadly, "I don't think I can." Sirius wanted to, so badly, but he knew it would only make things harder for the both of them.
"Okay," Remus choked out before Sirius left the bedroom and Remus began crying. This was going to be one of the hardest things he ever did. Remus understood why Sirius was distancing himself almost immediately. There were two approaches to ripping off a band-aid, after all. Sirius' idea was one foul swoop that hurt a lot right away but stopped after a while. Remus' idea was to peel it off little by little and spread the pain around. Regardless, the thing that was supposed to help you heal hurts you in the end.
Wow, I was trying to write this while I was working on the last update, so of course almost as soon as I published it I was finally able to finish this scene. But then it didn't really go where I was trying to get anyways so I'm not entirely sure what it is? I wanted it to tie up some loose ends, but I don't think I accomplished that.. oops.
Thank you so much for reading, it really means a lot.