Song of the chapter: Hurricane by Fleurie.
Freyah Kent:
I took a deep breath and another.
"You can do this Saoirse. It's just a funeral. You've had some before. You will not cry. You are stronger than this."
I gave myself a pep talk looking at myself in the mirror. I was wearing a long white dress that was loose enough to hide my stomach. I didn't want anyone in black, I wanted it to be like Clair's funeral and have everyone in white.
I wiped away a stray tear and ran a hand through my hair before stepping out of the bathroom.
I came down the stairs and headed to the kitchen where I saw my husband sat staring out the window with a cup of coffee in his hand, lost in thought.
I cleared my throat and made my way to him.
"I wanted to talk about what are we going to do why the twins. I don't really want them to go to the funeral, there are too small and I don't want to scare them."
I confessed.
He sighed and put his mug down before reaching for my hand and brought me over to sit on his lap.
He wrapped his arms around my waist as I leaned into his chest getting comfortable.
"Who will keep them? All the family are going to the funeral this afternoon." he placed a small kiss on the top of my shoulder leaning his head in the crook of my neck.
"Well, I was thinking Rose could keep them today," I mumbled playing with my fingers.
"Why?"
Gosh, I knew he would ask that. I don't want to tell him why because it's selfish of me.
"Because I trust her with the boys." I lied straight through my teeth.
"There's something you are not telling me, Frey. I know when you are lying to me." Wolf warned holding my chin making me look into his eyes.
I felt the tears rise in my eyes as much as I tried to hold them in.
"I don't want to see her. Why does she get to keep her baby when mine is ripped away from me? It's just not fair." I broke down in tears in my husband's arms once more.
"Shhh, Freyah. It's ok to feel that way. I'm jealous too that she is having a daughter when mine was taken away from us in the worst possible way. I know." he held me tighter kissing the top of my head.
"Why does it have to be us? Why can't we be happy? Why does he have to hate me so much? Doesn't he see that he has done enough to hurt me?" I cried out feeling the same pain surge through me.
"I don't know, I wish I could take all this pain away but I can't. I'm sorry Fire, so sorry."
Hearing his voice crack at the end when he was apologizing killed me inside, more than I already was.
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The funeral was probably the worst day of my life.
Rose didn't come, she knew why and she didn't hate me for it. I don't know why she isn't mad, I was acting like a selfish bitch and yet she hugged me and told me she understood then left.
I tried not to cry, I really did. I had enough of being this weak but when I saw Willow's small white coffin being carried by Wolf, Asher, Carter, Alex, Damon and my brother I lost it.
Tadgh was holding me steady so that I didn't collapse on the ground, Tony and Ryder were holding onto each other, Tony trying his best to be strong for me but I could see the tears in his eyes. Everleigh was a real waterfall so that I wasn't the only one crying my eyes out, for which I was grateful for. The rest of the family just stood there in silence, a vacant look in their eyes as the priest went on with the ceremony.
This was agonizing, unbearable and I don't wish this pain on my enemy. The loss of a child is the worst thing that could have happened to me and I have been through a lot in my life but nothing compares to this.
The final goodbye was what I was dreading. I never got to hold my daughter, I never got to see her, I never will be able to see her grow up, I will never hear her first words, her first boyfriend, her first heartbreak, her first daddy-daughter dance and much more.
My grandfather had ripped away from me all those moments and I hate him so much for it.
My sadness was slowly turning into anger, anger I had no control of.
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Wolfgang Mortimer:
She sat there, in the rocking chair. Her hair was in a knot, she was wearing a pair of old black leggings and one of my hoodies that swallowed her whole body. She was looking into space, her eyes had lost their shine since our daughter's death.
She barely left Willow's room. She would cry at night thinking I couldn't hear her but I did. The pink rabbit never left her side anymore. In front of everyone, she was smiling, laughing, acting as all was great in life.
She didn't eat much anymore but never let it show. She would play with the boys, kiss their cheeks and be with them all the time when she wasn't sitting contemplating life in Willow's room.
I didn't know what to do. What are you supposed to do in those situations anyway? It's been three weeks since the funeral.
I didn't even know how I felt about all this. I couldn't stop and break down, there was no time for that. I had to be the strong one, be the rock my wife needed. I needed to step up and I did.
I went to work, I took care of the kids when Frey needed her space. Work was my way of grieving, it kept me focused and killing people was just a bonus. My mum was a little too overbearing, everyone was asking Freyah how she was doing, how she was holding up and I could feel that she was fed up of it.
"Freyah?" I called out softly to her as she rocked on the rocking chair, the rabbit grasped tightly in her frail hands.
She snapped out of her reverie and quickly wiped away her stray tears, thinking that I couldn't see her.
"Yes darling." she turned to face me smiling that fake smile she knew so well how to do.
"You sure you are fine Fire?" I asked coming closer to her.
"Yes, why wouldn't I be?" she replied back.
I sighed and kneeled down in front of her taking her hands in mine.
"I–" I opened my mouth but closed it once more trying to think of the right words to say.
"Are you sure you are alright? You have been locked in this room every day since..." I dragged along, not able to say the words while looking down and swallowing the lump that was lodged in my throat.
"You can say it, Wolf. Since she died, since our baby girl died." I gripped her hands tighter in mine at her words.
"Yes, since she died." I agreed.
"To answer your question, I am fine. So you can tell everybody else to stop with their questions and their looks full of pity. I AM FINE!" she stressed every last word, speaking with confidence but I knew better.
"I have my two sons and I have you. That's all I need. So I can't have any more kids or that my daughter died because of me? So? I guess it's just the way things are, so if you would excuse me I would like to be left alone to grieve the loss of my child."
She turned her head away and snatched her hands away from mine holding them close to her chest with the rabbit once more, standing up to stare out of the window.
I stayed in my spot, a little taken back by her outburst.
"Go, Wolf, please." she pleaded in a whisper.
I stood up and placed my arms around her.
"It wasn't your fault." was all I said before she turned around in my arms and collapsed in tears.
I held her close to my chest rubbing her back up and down. She hasn't cried this much in front of me since the funeral, I knew she was bottling up all her emotions to be strong in front of the others.
She was sobbing hysterically claiming that it was her fault that our daughter had died, that she should have protected Willow better and much more. I let a few of my own tears slip past my guard and fall down my cheeks.
It broke my heart how much this had affected her and that she didn't come to me to talk about it.
After a few minutes, her tears slowed down and her sobs became small hiccups with the occasional whimper.
"I love you," I whispered in her ear kissing the top of her head.
"I love you too."
Our moment was interrupted by the pitter of little feet and paws with the sound of my sons' voices.
"Mama! Mama!" they ran straight into the room set up for their little sister along with the dog who was very excited because the boys were excited.
"Mama!" They gasp and ran straight into her waiting arms.
"Mama sad?" Wilder questioned taking his mum's face in his little hands, his eyes full of concern seeing the trails the tears left on her cheeks.
"Not anymore now that you are here. Can mama get a hug?" Frey asked smiling down at both her sons that hugged her back tightly.
We had told the twins that they no longer had a little sister. Only being two years old makes it difficult for them to understand exactly what is going on but all that they know is that their sister is an angel in the sky watching down on them.
Saoirse kissed each of them and held them longer than they would have liked.
"Why don't you go pick a movie with daddy so that we can cuddle up on the sofa? How does that sound?" she brushed the curls out of Woodrow's eyes smiling tenderly at him.
"Pop Corn mama?" Woodrow asked that boy lives life only through his stomach.
"Yes we can baba." my little Fire giggled and kissed her sons' heads once more.
"Go." she pushed them towards me.
Both took each of my hands trying to pull me out of the room.
"I'll be with you in a moment," she reassured.
I gave her a look asking if she was ok, she nodded and pecked my lips.
"I just need a minute."
I glanced at her once more before being dragged away by the twins.
"Daddy! Move daddy!"
They pulled me out of the room away from my Fire.
I just want her to be happy again, for us to be happy again.
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The funeral...
I don't even know what to say...
Will they get through this?
Thoughts? predictions?
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xoxox