it was five in the morning when my housemate, Annie, woke me up to have my subuh pray. refused to get up from my bed, I rolled myself back in my blanket, shut my eyes tighter than before. She knocked at my door again and again,
"Kateee, how long will you stay in bed? it's almost 5.15, the sun will rise in no time!"
"so what..."
"YOU WILL MISS THE MORNING PRAYER, THAT'S WHAT. NOW GET THAT ASS OFF THE BED, AND PRAY. HURRY!" she grasped my blanket and threw it away from my bed.
"how can you enter my room, geez..."
"who always left her room unlocked, Kate? now hurry wake up and pray..I'll make us breakfast"
"alright..alright.." I took my step to the bathroom halfheartedly, took my wudhu and did my morning prayers.
Annie's been my housemate for about a year now. she's actually not a very religious person, I used to drag her to pray and now it's been reversed. I felt so proud of her.
We have known each other for almost 8 years, we went to the same medical school in Jakarta, not really in touch back then. We lived in different kind of group, she was the sparkling one, not me. We graduated at the same time, even I was not the sparkling kid, I managed to graduate on time. We didn’t go to the same internship place, didn’t have any regular chat.
Until one day, I knew from my friend in the same group that Annie interested in neurology as I was, and that she was trying to take the residency test at the same period as I was. So then, as I knew she’d been so amazing in our school time, I asked her to have some study time together for preparation.
She still had that sparkling brain as before, while me? I was just a potato. I might not gonna make it to the residency if not because of her. The only flaw I saw on her was, she rarely did pray. We are both muslim, although neither of us wear hijab yet, I found that I did pray regularly, but she didn’t. I asked her once, that time, the zuhur time was almost up, she refused me by saying, “it’s almost up, I don’t want to be hurry in doing the pray. Thank you, Qatalonya,” ah yes, she still called me with my first name exactly how it’s written, Qatalonya. I, too, called her with her first name, Britany. We’ve been studying together for the test for about 7 months, and been great friend since then. I asked her to call me Kate, and she didn’t mind to be called Annie.
When we finally made it to the neurology residency with the same almamater as our last medical school, we were hyped. We celebrated it with went to some ice cream places, and forgot about the word fat. We gained 2 kilos each after that, but who cares? We made it to the residency! We made it with 5 other people, they were Eddie, Mitha, Sadhy, Gloria, and Monika. We called our team as 7 Endorphins and I wouldn’t ask for a better team. I’ll tell you more about them later.
As a junior resident, me, Annie, and 5 other junior resident had some random tasks to be done. Tag a futsal field, bought some watermelons, sent letters to other consultant out of town, packed invitations for Doctoral promotion and other random tasks. Annie was renting a room at Paseban street back then, we made her room as a base camp to finish all this random tasks.
I realized that me and Annie started to spend less time together, it’s almost always 7 of us. Actually I didn’t really mind it, but sometimes I missed our time, just the two of us, talked about everything from scientific thing as molecular reaction happened in stroke to silly random thoughts as why Cheetos should be named after cheetah.
After a year, while we was walking at the hospital’s alley about to go home, I finally asked Annie to search a flat to be lived in together, “Hey Ann, what do you think if we spare a flat together?”
“A flat? Why so sudden, Kate? Do you miss me?hahahaha”
“meh..i was just thinking to rent a flat near our hospital to avoid the morning jam. The traffic from my home at Bekasi to here at Central Jakarta is the last thing I wanna face in my everyday life until I graduate”
“haha. Fair enough, do you have any idea about this flat thing?”
“I actually have one over there,” Annie turned her head to a place my finger pointed
“The Capitol?” I nodded, “wait you said you have it, not rent it?”
“It’s my big brother’s, I borrow it from him,”
“You want us to live there? Then I will be the one who rent it, you’re not paying the rent to your brother, right Kate?”
“I just want you to live there with me, I will do the payment”
“I don’t understand,” she smirked, “are you really want to live with me that much?”
“I miss you alright, now you’re in or not?”
“aww, Kate bebi.. I miss you too..” she circled her right arm around my neck, “alright, I’m in. but I’ll stay just when you are around. i’ll be at my rent room in case you’re having the hospital shifts or go home to Bekasi or.. my family come to visit me from Malang”
“you will keep paying your rent for that room then?”
“Yes, I will.. where will my mom and brother stay if I won’t”
“ah..you’re right. Alrighty, mind to move in by tomorrow?”
“wow so fast, okay bebi”
“Why you keep call me that?”
“you don’t like it?”
“I don’t mind it, just not use to it”
“then try to get use to it, Kate Bebi..”
As I thought, Annie been the best housemate. She was so clean, she makes the best waffle, she respects privacy, and I had extra time to study with the smart-ass Annie. We’ve made even greater team than before, just the two of us.
Done my prayer, i checked Annie at the kitchen, she was making waffle for breakfast (like she always did. no protests, her waffles taste great).
"add some maple syrup on my waffle please" as i took my seat at the dining room, checked out my whatsapp group labeled "tikus gemas" which was my research group on stemcell (i'll tell you more about it).
"here's your waffle,ma'am. any schedule at lab today?"
i munched my waffle like i don't care, but believe me her waffle was the best!
"nope.. not going to lab today, gonna sleep all day, enjoying my time off school"
"why not go see patrice? you've been spending your most time sleeping, don't you consider that..."
"nope, don’t consider anything, not going to see Patrice!”
“Kate Bebi…”
“i just get bored with school, and my motor function is not yet recover..that's why.. that's why i took time off school. You have nothing to worry about, you just being hyperbolic, Bebi"
"oh come on, Kate..you even changed the water galon by yourself..your motoric is alright.."
she took my empty plate then took it in the dish washer as said,
"and your stroke wont make you lose your interest in anything, Kate. it's something, which i believe you know what i mean, will. that's why you need to see Patrice"
she took her bag, got ready, and headed to the front door.
Tried to stay calm, I replied her with the most calm sound I could make,
"i don't understand what you're talking about..Annie bebi"
"i know you do. You keep calling me Bebi when you know I was right, Kate. no buts, i'm calling Patrice for you. see you, Bebi"
"damn it,Annie..i wont see Patrice, i tell you!"
the door had shut, but i guessed Annie still heard me as i was screaming a little. I inhaled and exhaled for a while, tried to regain my calm. I took myself back to my bed, snatched the nearest book and insisted myself to read. but in spite of reading, i was busied with my-not-so-old-friend which has been living on and off in my head for more than 10 years, i called it "K".
yes, Annie's idea of me meeting Patrice might not a bullshit. She felt something abnormal about 3 months ago. I was in my room, conversating with K.
“can you please shut up? I’m trying to do paper work here”
“why you keep doing things you don’t want to? You will never pass this, Kate,” K replied, “your life will go for nothing. You will just be another failure for the family”
“Can you just SHUT UP PLEASE!”
when I turned my head, I saw Annie at the door. Her hand looked like she had been knocking for some while
“Hi, Kate.. are you alright? May I come in?”
“I’m sorry, Ann.. did I disturb you? I’m sorry I didn’t mean to raise my voice like that.. it just..just..”
“May I come in, Kate Bebi?” she had soft voice, I couldn’t see her in the eyes, I would tearing in no time, I didn’t want her to notice, but I wanted a hug
“Yes, Ann..but..please don’t ask anything,” she hugged me straightly, and yes, she didn’t ask.
This kind of situation been there on and off, I would stay in the corner of my room, waiting K to leave. I was still manage doing my residency normally, but K been so chatty as the time gone. it kept taking my spirit away, i often had an argument with it and barely won. K made me exhausted, thats why i started spend 8-9 hours night sleep if i didn't have night shifts. the arguments between me and K became more often which made me losing focus at work, tasks were abandoned. Seniors started to notice that I was keep zooming out.
Annie seemed worry and tried to ask me what was happening, i muted. i scared of what she would think. Scared she would leave me when she knew I had something going on in my head, scared if she knew about K.
I didn’t know where K got it’s power, its voice got more and more real, it’s echoing in my head, it made me hard to sleep, then overslept in the next day.
One day, around 2 weeks ago, I had the worst migraine of my life, and Annie got me with right hemiparesis and hemiparastesia at the same side. She run me to our hospital, i had stroke. yes, I had stroke in my 28th years of my life.
it's like a triumph for K, it's attacking me all the time, i was devastated.
i was at the hospital for 11 days and found that i'm having Patent Foramen Ovale, it's an inborn structural defect at the heart, it's a hole in between my heart atrium which fortunately didn't need a closure, i just have to consume aspirin for life, which is alright. and again, K kept pushing me down and down, and now, i have drown. i started losing my path of life, K has been winning all the time, and it tires me.
i rolled myself on my bed, cried. i had never understood why i was crying, why it was so hard to stop the tears, why i kept hating myself more and more, why i kept let K win the argument. i've never know.
i gasped with rings on my phone. it was Annie. it's already 1 pm, i must gotten asleep while i was crying,
"Hi, beb.. wazzup?"
"Hi bebi, i have called Patrice and she's free today at 3pm. please come see her, i won't bug you after this"
"geez, Annie.. i am on my day off and you keep asking me to go to school?"
"dont take it as go to school, Kate..take it as seeing a doctor to have your complain solved"
"but i dont have any serious complain, Ann"
"would you please do my words just for this one?"
"Annie.. bebi.. "
"oh i have patient, be sure to see Patrice at 3,okay..then we'll walk home together as you will tell me what were you and Patrice talking about. okay, bye"
"geez, she even didn't give me any chance to speak," honestly, i hate to be ordered by anyone, but this time i felt really thankful about Annie been so controlling.
“you won’t see her right, Kate? Patrice won’t give you any help, she will just judging you as anyone before her.”
There’s K again, “you just have to accept it, Kate..you will always be nobody, stop trying and you won’t hurt anyone” I hesitated, just then Annie sent me a whatsapp message
“you can do this, Kate. I trust you with all my heart”
Maybe met Patrice wouldn’t be a bad idea.