Hey hey have some gay lovely children. I started this weeks ago and like just found it so I finished it because why not. TW for homophobic slurs.
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"Janis is a space dyke!"
The taunts rang in Janis' ears over and over from the moment someone had scratched it into her locker with a key. The indelible carving that will be all she amounts to for the rest of her life. At such a young age, her entire life had been defined by a cruel label. She's no longer the tough girl who once beat up a whole group of jocks singlehandedly, not the diligent, prestigious artist she dreams of becoming, not a person who's worth being around. Just a miserable, pathetic space dyke.
"No. I'm not a space dyke and I'm going to prove it," Janis vowed to herself. She desperately sought out any opportunity to do so, until one day she collided with a short Indian boy in the middle of the hallway, knocking his math binder open and sending papers flying out left, right, and center.
"Oh, God, I'm so sorry, let me help you!" Janis says as she bends over to start to collect the papers.
"Nah, don't worry about it, hot stuff."
"Excuse me?"
"I'm Kevin Gnapoor, captain of the North Shore Mathletes," he says as he hands Janis a small white business card out of the mess of papers. "I also DJ and I designed that font, so...what's your name, girl?" He raises an eyebrow quizzically as he pretends to wipe dust off his shoulders.
"Oh, uh, I'm Janis...Janis Sarkisian."
"You Puerto Rican?"
"Lesb-, I mean...Lebanese. Why?"
"Aight, that's spicy! Listen, you seem like a pretty tight chick. What do you say to you and me grabbing a smoothie or somethin' after school?"
Lightbulb. Janis knows it's wrong to use people for her own benefit, that isn't fair. But he proposed the idea, and maybe it would work. Maybe he could make her straight. Maybe he could reverse everything, prove them all wrong. It's just Kevin, he doesn't seem like that bad of a guy. Maybe it would work. Maybe.
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Janis learned quickly that it absolutely did not work.
Every time Kevin would shove his thick, slimy tongue down her throat, she nearly threw up on him. At first she thought it was just one hell of a gag reflex, but a growing inkling at the back of her mind thought something else. But Janis really didn't want to give in to said inkling. So she kissed him harder and harder, hoping to feel something. Anything. She tried absolutely anything to convince herself that Kevin was attractive, that kissing him was satisfying, that she was straight, that Regina was wrong, that everyone's wrong. But she can't. No matter how hard she kisses Kevin, how hard she kisses any guy, nothing works.
She's about to break things off with Kevin at their dinner date that night when she finds a silver ring around one of the tines of her fork and Kevin sitting confidently across the table.
"Yo, listen, we've been doing this for a little while, so how's about we make this," he says as he gestures back and forth between the two of them, "a thang? I got ya a super lit promise ring from my cousin Julio, totally legit 10k." He puckers his lips, ready and waiting for her, but her own lips didn't reciprocate. "What's up, J-Dawg? You're not hitting me up with those fire lips."
"I just...Kevin, I...this was really sweet and all, but...I can't, I can't do this anymore."
"Whaddya mean?"
"I just can't! This isn't working, I've tried so hard to make it work, but it's not! I can't be with you, not like this!" Janis' eyes begin to well with tears as she knocks the fork off the table and storms out, not looking back to see Kevin's face.
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As soon as she leaves the restaurant, she runs back to her house, unable to full-on sprint because her vision is clouded over by tears. She can't keep using Kevin as a cover, it's not fair to him. She's been leading him on this whole time and now he's done something actually sort of sweet and she just shut him down completely. He definitely hates her now, how could he not hate her? She's told him she loved him for months, she's kissed him as hard as she could until they've run out of breath almost every day. But he didn't know that every day, each kiss gets more and more nauseating and the world spins around her, but not in a good way.
As she runs, the same feeling is coming back quickly. She just barely manages to turn the corner to her street and run up to her room, ignoring her mom and Holly in a haze of tears. She locks herself in her closet as tears pour down her cheeks, her new vow being to stay in the closet in all ways possible until she dies.
That is, until the closet door rattles with a gentle knock.
"JanJan? Sweet, it's Damian. Your mom let me in, she called me and told me you were upset, so I came over. Are you gonna come out of there?"
All he hears is a small, distressed whimper echoing from behind the door. "I'll take that as a no. Alright, will you at least let me in there?"
The question elicits more small whimpers, but this time some shuffling and a faint click of the lock accompany them. Damian slowly prices open the door, awkwardly settling halfway into Janis' crammed closet.
"I'm never coming out of here as long as I live," Janis declares solemnly, burying her head in her knees.
"Wanna tell me what's going on, sweet?" Damian asks, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.
"I...I broke up with Kevin."
"Anything else? I know you, JanJan. That isn't all that's bugging you, so there's no point in lying to me."
"He...he got me a promise ring, and I broke up with him. Because..." she hesitates, taking a breath before falling silent.
"Because....?" Damian prompts gently.
"I think...I'm g--," Janis mumbles, purposely making the last word unintelligible.
"You're what?" Damian sets his hand on her back gently, trying to coax her to talk. Meanwhile, Janis is internally panicking. She knows Damian is gay, so she knows he'll accept her, but she's still so scared and confused and she can't explain why, nor does she want to. The words and taunts that haven't left her brain begin circling around again, getting louder and louder until she can't take it anymore. But Janis isn't a lesbian.
Or maybe she is. "I'm - I'm fucking gay, Damian!" Janis yells loudly as she flings herself at Damian, nearly in hysterics, both literally and figuratively coming out of the closet. She never meant to scream, and now she's hoping that Holly and her mom have left for Holly's soccer game already, she's hoping neither of them heard that, she's hoping Damian will hug her and won't let go, she's scared to tell her family, she's scared that people at school will find out, she's scared to get a girlfriend, she's scared of proving Regina right, and by now her breaths are faster than she can keep up with.
"Oh, JanJan...don't cry, JanJan, it's okay, it's okay...breathe for me, please..."
Janis sucks in a breath, exhaling between sobs. She shouldn't be crying, Damian's right. There's no reason to cry, she shouldn't be crying, why the fuck is she crying, she can't stop crying, she's probably offending Damian because she's making it seem like being gay is this terrible thing, but it's not, and she knows it's not, but it can't be her, she doesn't want it to be her, she doesn't want to own up to it, but she has to, she likes girls and that's that, and she's still crying, crying harder into Damian's chest, her mind racing with endless worries and "what-ifs" that won't stop no matter how hard she tries and all she can do is sit in Damian's lap and cry until her eyes burn and her mouth is dryer than sandpaper.
Damian waits patiently, stroking her hair and murmuring "JanJan" over and over until she relaxes slightly.
"I'm...I'm gay...I like g-girls," Janis finally mutters into his shirt.
"And that's okay. I like guys, and that's okay, too. You're okay, JanJan. There's nothing wrong with it."
"I - I know...but they c-called me...s-so many times...I don't want them to be r-right..."
"JanJan, there's no use denying it now, you'll make it worse for yourself. I know it can be hard to accept at first, it was hard for me too...but you'll be happier the sooner you do. You were never happy with Kevin, were you?"
Janis shakes her head. "M-Maybe at first...a little...but when he k-kissed me...I w-wanted to throw up..."
"See? You were trying to do your own conversion therapy and it wasn't working. Plain as that. But you shouldn't pretend to be something you're not. It isn't healthy, especially in the future. Listen, you don't have to come out to anyone else until you're sure you're ready to. Not your mom, or Holly, or anyone at school. You don't have to come out to anyone if you don't want to."
"I-If I get a g-girlfriend...?"
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I know it's bothering you, but we'll figure it out. Whoever it will be, if you really love her, you won't be embarrassed to be romantic with her in public."
Janis pauses for a few seconds to process everything, her mind exhausted from the racing thoughts. "D-Damian...?"
"Yes, sweet?"
"C-Can I...lay in your lap for a little...I'm...kinda tired..."
"Of course." Janis immediately collapses into his warm, comforting lap, stretching her body all the way across. Damian begins miming strumming as he runs his fingers through her hair, trying to make her laugh, which he does just a little. Janis closes her eyes, stretching her back out slowly.
"Sleep well, my fellow gay." Damian smiles down at her, laughing a little in his head.
Did she really think he hadn't known this whole time?