CHAPTER FORTY NINE- New beginnings.
“Ashley can I ask you something?”
I queried feeling slightly hesitant. She pulled her gaze away from the TV which was sporting some kind of soap that we both weren’t really watching and looked up at me confusion filling her eyes. We had been switching in between channel hopping, talking and making out for the past few hours now and the anxiety was killing me. I had to know what changed in the time we spent apart. I think she was sensing it coming and she seemed kind of nervous but nonetheless she didn’t let it show and gave me a small smile.
“Shoot.”
She urged and I bit my lip rolling my gaze around the room so I could avoid staring at her and her body; she just looked so damn good. I think she had noticed how I was finding it hard not to stare now but she hadn’t said anything yet. Maybe she wanted to avoid the conversation, but we both knew it had to happen some when and the one we had earlier had taken way too long to come around.
“When…What changed in the time we err, didn’t see each other?”
I questioned and I could tell she was expecting this – but she didn’t seem to have an answer – she bit her lip and looked to her lap but I placed two fingers underneath her chin tilting it up to look at me. I had done my anxious confessions so now it was her turn.
“Promise you won’t get mad at me for not telling you?”
She winced and I furrowed my brow. Had she not just told me off for not telling her something? Maybe this wasn’t really important, but still. I fessed up to her, so it was her turn to fess up to me. She couldn’t expect me to never ask, it wasn’t like it was a bad thing either. I just wanted to know so I could tell her how proud I was of her.
“O-Okay. I promise.”
I agreed and she sucked in some air fiddling with her thumbs so I reached a hand out and took it in mine to stop her from doing that nervous thing she does. I really wanted to know what was so bad that I had promise not to get mad for her not telling me, in a way though, we had been on a break. So maybe she didn’t have to.
“I…I went to rehab.”
At first I wasn’t sure I had heard her right. But then I looked down at her worried expression and realised that this was anything but a misconception of my hearing. She went to rehab. My Ash went to rehab and I didn’t even know. I was busy drowning myself in guilt and sorrows in England while she was over here, on her own, in rehab. How didn’t I know this? More to the point, how didn’t the media know this? God she’d got lucky with this one. But by the looks of things, it had really helped her. But still, I found it hard to believe that nobody knew, at least that’s what I thought. And then I felt guilty, even if we were on a ‘break’ I still felt like I had to and wanted to be completely loyal to her. I promised her I was going to be there for her and I wasn’t, just another thing I let her down on.
“Ash…I’m-I’m not mad but…Why the hell didn’t you tell me? You didn’t have to go through that on your own. I can’t believe you did, I never loved you any less Ash, and if I had known, you wouldn’t have had to do that on your own.”
“You really wanna know why?”
She stammered. I nodded.
“Of course I do.”
“I-I wanted to do something on my own for once. You’ve been taking care of me and helping me for so long and it wasn’t fair. I was messed up Niall, you know I was. And it wasn’t fair on you to have to deal with that, you have and had your own life to deal with and I had my own, and that was my disorders. I wanted to fix myself, I did, and it wasn’t your job to fix me. It was mine, only I was able to save me from myself. I didn’t tell you exactly because of that; you would have been there for me, and although that’s really sweet and everything it wasn’t fair on you, you know? I wanted to get better on my own, and I actually, really, really feel I’ve actually achieved something. And you know that’s big for me, right? So I quit my job and I checked into rehab. And it was actually really good for me, at first it was horrible and I hated it, but I met some really amazing people and they helped me get better Niall. I only got out a few weeks ago and I can actually see improvements in myself, and it feels really special for me. It feels good you know? Like I’m finally in control again. I’m sorry for not telling you, but can you see why I didn’t?”
It felt weird to hear her refer to her life as ‘her disorders’ she never spoke of it like that. Nor would she admit that’s what things were like out loud. I knew that she knew it on the inside but I think, to her, saying it out loud made it all too real for her. And maybe she was living in denial, trying to ward off that word that she knew described herself but continued to convince herself otherwise. But now she was different, and she was so calm and open about it all it was almost surreal for me. It had been so long since I’d seen her completely content with herself and her life and I had almost forgotten what it felt like. So it must have felt pretty damn good for her if it felt this good and pride worthy for me. I still couldn’t find the words to describe how proud I was, she had just changed so much. Not only on the outside but it seemed like she had on the inside too.
“Wait a second, did you just say, that you quit your job?”
She nodded; as if I should have already known this.
“Uh huh.”
“Ashley!”
“What?”
She frowned furrowing her brow in confusion. I ran my fingers through my hair and placed a hand to my forehead, she hasn’t quit her job, oh my god.
“Y-You…Do you realise how good that job was?”
“Of course I do. But I’ll tell you what else I realised, how much better a relationship with you that wasn’t long distance is. I promised you that, that phone call wasn’t the end Niall and I meant it. I was never planning on ending it with you, I just needed to well…Sort my life out, you know? And now that you’re back…Well, I’m just really happy. Can you understand that?”
For a moment I just stared back at her and wondered who this girl was and what she had done with the broken girl I had cheated on three months ago. This was the first time I had seen her since four months ago and so much has changed. I still couldn’t get my head around it. This is my girlfriend. This is actually Ashley. And the thing was, listening to her words, looking at her changed demeanour and her changed appearance, I think I did. I did understand. She was right, her slowly falling to pieces had been going on for so long now, and it had been too long that she was rejecting my help, or anyone’s. And maybe what she needed all along was to do it on her own, to actually feel proud of herself and like she achieved something; she needed to do it on her own. At the same time I still felt uneasy that she had to go through it all on her own; but there was no going back now, what’s done is done and maybe it was supposed to happen like that.
“Yeah,” I said and she smiled up at me. I stroked her hair running my fingers through it; I had missed that so much too. “I can. And I’m really proud of you, I mean it.”
She grinned now and I could even see it in her smile. It wasn’t a fake one. She was actually happy.
“Thank you. And you know what? I am too. I’m proud of myself too. Like I never thought I’d be able to do it. I never saw myself making a recovery. And I have, or at least almost. I just…I actually feel happy in my own skin and it feels really nice, you know?”
Hearing those words were like music to my ears. I actually feel happy in my own skin. It had been so long since I had heard that and for a moment I wondered if I had actually heard her say that before. I don’t think I have. She’s really come so far. Those sentences wouldn’t be what you related with Ashley, or maybe they were, that was the old Ashley, the broken girl, and this was the new one and she meant business when she said she wanted to change for the better.
“Yeah. Well you do look pretty damn good.”
I smiled and she returned it.
“Thank you…So you wanna go and get McDonalds?”
She asked me and for a moment I just looked at her and then the clock on the wall.
“At this time it’s like-“
“Don’t you remember what you said to me that night back when I first started spending time with you guys? And I quote: It’s called a 24 hour McDonalds Ash, get with it. Come on, I’m hungry and I will be fed.”
She smiled taking my hand in hers and practically pulling me up as she made her way to her bedroom. I watched her from her bed as she sifted through her – colour co-ordinated of course – clothes and then shrugged on a navy blue jacket pulling it around her body and zipping it up. I’m hungry and I will be fed. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard that too.
“Ready?”
She asked still smiling at me as she held out her hand for me to take and I noticed how she barely had any make-up on. This was definitely an improvement on what it used to be. In fact, if I hadn’t been so exposed to the world of make-up in the past because of her I probably wouldn’t have even noticed she was wearing any. And that was saying something.
“Uh huh.”
I smiled back at her taking her hand in mine and giving it a squeeze, suddenly something popped into my mind and I looked around me furrowing my brow.
“Ashley?”
“Yup?”
“If you quit your job…then why are you still living here?”
She looked up at me letting go of my hand as she shut the door behind us and then fumbled her key in the lock and then slid it back onto her pocket. She heaved a sigh and then turned to look at me again motioning for me to follow her as the lift doors opened and we stepped inside. I remembered the last time I had been here, equally as eventful.
“I have like, two weeks left until my contract runs out. So I’ll stop living here then.”
She told me, remorse filling her tone. For a moment I tried to make sense of this and then suddenly I had a lot of questions.
“Well then…What are you going to do?”
I asked and then she shrugged sliding her hands into the pockets of her jacket and looking at her feet as she leant against the glass walls as they mirrored the back of her. Her blonde locks tumbling down her back in the wavy curls I’d always loved to run my fingers through, even from the back, she looked like a completely different person. It was weird, but at the same time it made me feel so much better, it almost made me feel safe. To know that the girl she was when I met her is back.
“Dunno. But I’m not staying here. I miss London way too much. New York is nice, it’s amazing actually, but it’s not where I’m supposed to be, you know? As much as I’ve learnt a lot and met a lot of people here London will probably always be my home.”
She still didn’t look at me as she said this, for some reason, the lift was slowing down, jittering every now and then but I brushed it off, far too interested in this conversation. She lifted a hand up and the spotlights that littered the ceiling of the elevator caught the ring in their artificial light, it was so quick, just a small glint flashing against the mirror; but it was almost as if even though it was so quick, you wouldn’t miss it if you tried. She brushed her bangs from her eyes and tucked them behind her ears licking her lower lip once as she did so. I took this moment to study her features in the bright overexposed glow of the lift; and free of the evil substance of make-up she used to endure so deeply in. Her natural complexion was pale and smooth, completely immaculate and I never had understood why she needed to make it anything else, but there we go. She had always had this slight tint of pink in her cheeks, but it was ever so slight; only visible in the right light and even then you would really have to look hard. Her lips were full – but not too full – and a pale pink colour, when she ate they tended to go slightly darker but nonetheless it had no effect on her overall appearance. I had always loved her eyes; so bright and full of life. Even though in her worst times they lost their spirit and sometimes transferred into a milkier blue and sometimes they were even grey, but this never lasted for too long. Her bottom lashes had always been blonde and un-noticeable and although I was used to seeing her top ones clad in mascara, now, I realised that it made her look no different – mascara or not – and right now, I couldn’t even tell whether she was wearing any or not.
“Any reason you’re staring so intensely?”
She smirked as she looked up at me her face now in full view as she stared at me waiting for my reply. The sound of her voice spoken in that twang of a London accent as it sawed over her words made the corners of my mouth tug up into a genuine smile. I had always found it rather amusing when I heard her speaking with fellow New Yorkers, she sounded so different, but I guess that’s what I must sound like to her. Figures. I took this opportunity to use my standard that she was so used to, and teased me about so often but she loves it really, I know she does. I stepped forward placing a hand on her hip and then snaked it around to the small of her back, at this action she pushed herself against the wall and stood up straight as I did the same with my other hand.
“Just admiring how beautiful you are, without or without your make-up. I can’t even tell whether you’re wearing any or not…”
I smiled and she let her eyes flicker to the floor the smile quirking up at her lips; as quickly as she looked down she looked back up meeting my eyes and then extended up on her tiptoes the materiel of her ballet pumps creasing as she did so. She wrapped her arms around my neck bringing herself closer to me I was just as keen to have her even closer and simultaneously tightened my arms around her waist - which was still small – but it always had been, it was back to normal now.
“Maybe because I’m not…”
She suggested quirking an eye-brow at me making me refrain a chuckle. To hear that really was like music to my ears. It wasn’t like I hadn’t seen her without make-up before –because I had – plenty of times but that was always inside and before we went out she had to put some on. And this time, I had nothing to do with the absence of make-up; she did this all by herself.
“And you look beautiful…Not saying that I mind, cus I definitely don’t, I much prefer you like this. But, why aren’t you?”
She shrugged and then she leant closer resting her forehead on mine she lightly let her lips graze against mine teasing me, a lock of hair fell in her eyes and I lifted a hand tucking it back behind her ear in which response she smiled and let her lips brush mine again. This girl is such a tease.
“Because you told me not to.”
She breathed against my mouth. Her words echoed throughout my brain, gliding through the air and savouring in my ears. The sense of achievement and how proud I felt was immense. To everyone else, it may not have seemed like a lot, but her being able to acknowledge how much she doesn’t need make-up meant a lot to me. And I was pretty sure it meant a lot to her too, as did my wishes as she wouldn’t have abided by them if they didn’t. I couldn’t believe she was still mine though. That had to be the worst screw up yet I had made with her and although three months was a very long and painful time for me to reflect on what I had done and serve the punishment I couldn’t quite believe how lenient she was. She never did blow up at me about it, in fact she was so calm about it, it was almost surreal. Not that I was complaining, it was good to know that she truly did want to be with and loved me; because I didn’t know what I would do if it was my fault that she didn’t anymore.
Without further comment she let her lips finally descend on mine and just as she did the Ding! of the lift hitting the ground and the doors opening sounded but she didn’t even flinch as she continued to let hers move against mine. Just a couple of hours ago I had done the same to her and she held absolutely no reaction and now she was the one kissing me. And words could not describe how nice it felt to have that back. She let it linger for a few more seconds and then pulled away, smiled at me, and then let her fingers play with my hair; now I noticed the doorman scowling at us but Ashley didn’t even bat an eye-lash as she resumed herself to her normal height and took ,y hands in hers leading me out. It really struck me how dominant and confident she was being, she never normally had been, not that I was complaining, in fact I found it undeniably sexy. But all the same, she was different and I loved it.
The doorman forced a smile at her but scowled at me, I brushed it off too drunk on Ashley herself to care. She finally let me fall into step with her and stopped tugging at my hand as we got outside and the gravel crunched underneath our shoes. We swung our arms slightly in sync and I gave her hand another squeeze, it felt so small and dainty inside mine but I kind of liked it like that. She had always been small anyway and it gave me a feeling of comfort. And it also gave me the feeling of wanting to protect her all the time, to never let anyone else touch her, but now I realised that she didn’t always need me. Now, if she absolutely had to she could stand on her own, but nonetheless I was pretty determined that I was going to stand by her forever.
“If you don’t mind me saying, you seem different.” I observed and she looked up at me furrowing her brow she then raised an eye-brow but I smiled at her silently telling her this was no way a bad thing. She gave me a small smile back only slightly showing her teeth. “Not just on the outside I mean, you just seem different. Better different though, I like it.”
I complimented and for a moment she just looked at me and then smiled the happiness evitable in her eyes. She licked her lower lip looking to the ground for a brief second before back up at me.
“I’ve also been doing a lot of work on how I convey myself, if you get what I mean.”
She told me a smile clear in her tone. You could tell she was proud of herself – and she had every right to be – what she had done to the average human eye didn’t seem like much. But to her, and to me, it was everything. Anyone can change, anyone can wake up one day and decide they want to be someone new but they’ll never truly change themselves forever in a few seconds. It takes time, and although I know Ashley isn’t one hundred percent cured of her problems and maybe she won’t be a for a while, it’s okay because she’s pretty damn close and I know that one day she will be.
“Yeah,” I said. “I can tell.”
“So what about you?”
She queried and I slid my gaze back to hers and her question. What about me? At first I was confused at what she meant, but then I think she realised this so she added,
“I mean what’s been going on with you lately? What have I missed?”
To be honest. I had no idea. Not a lot. Just practically me freaking out every concert because you’re not there to watch, going into states of emotion every time something comes up about us, or that one fateful song comes on. And quite frequently racking my brains out for how on earth I was going to approach turning things around with you. But otherwise, everything’s been great. But I didn’t want to have to tell her that, even though I promised her and myself I’d be honest it was more personal, right? Clearly she’d been doing better than me over this break. I took it as dramatically as our break up, that time, it was spread equally, we were both as bad each other. But this time it was more of a one sided thing, she knew what was going to happen with us, she was definite that she would sort things out with me some when but I didn’t know that. She was probably fine, all involved in changing and fixing herself – which was great, really – but I wasn’t. I was killing myself over it, but I guess every time we have a slight hiccup that not every time the heart’s going to break even. And obviously this time it didn’t, and I got the worse side things. Never sleeping at night, worrying over her and who she’s with whether as she’s fine. But I guess not everything is completely equal and it’s okay now, so that’s all that matters.
As I looked back at her and her smile I realised that she was completely oblivious to all those thoughts that had just raced through my mind, tugging at my heartstrings and flooding my veins, etching their way in further. Suddenly I had an urge to tell her, tell her what a mess I was without her even if she had promised me it wasn’t the end. But I didn’t want to spark that conversation up again if it wasn’t necessary. She was just being nice, asking me about my life instead of talking about hers all the time. But in all honesty I wanted to talk about hers; so much had happened in her area of things and I had been stuck in my same old routine of being a total mess without her. I think it was also pretty safe to say that the new album was going to have a lot of a heartbreak feel. Well, how was I supposed to write upbeat love songs when my love life was the complete opposite to upbeat at the time?
She was still smiling at me – although it was slightly faded now – waiting for my answer, as if it was going to be as cheery as hers. I had no idea what to say, I wanted to be honest with her, I did, but I couldn’t bare to put the guilt onto her again. I was holding this back for her own sake. She was so happy; she didn’t need me to drop another bomb.
“Not a lot.” I stammered and then lifted an arm up scratching the back of my neck and then running a hand through my hair. Her smile slowly faded and I think she sensed my hesitation but she didn’t comment on it and as quickly as it had disappeared she sprung it back. This time it was with no teeth though. She was looking at me with such…Adoration I couldn’t help but feel so guilty. I had hurt her so badly when I could have avoided it and she was still loving me and just being her wonderful self. Why does she have to be so nice? “We…Err we got a lot of new songs for the album…”
Stupid. If I sounded off, she didn’t comment on it and didn’t react either. It was almost as if she had been expecting this as she nodded and then finally stopped looking at me and settled her gaze on the ground but she was still smiling to herself. I had never seen her this happy and it made me feel happy too, just seeing her smile was the type of thing that made my heart flutter.
“That’s good. Did you write any?”
She smiled again looking back up at me. I used to be the one who pushed for cheerful conversation when she was off and now it was the other way around, it was almost as if we had switched. I still felt so guilty even if she had forgiven me.
“A few.”
Now my voice was sounding better, more convincing, she nodded and then licked her lower lip once. I watched her as we passed underneath a streetlight and the orange glow of it tumbled down over her, almost in a spectrum of light it exposed her properly against the dead of the New York night in this area. I still couldn’t get over how nice it was to see her without make-up and actually feeling half confident about it. We slipped into darkness again and I could just make out her features as the shadows lingered over her.
“Oh really? You’ll have to showcase them to me sometime.”
She suggested giving me a cute lopsided smile.
“I’d like that.”
I agreed. Behind us the sound of glass smashing shattered the silence and we both abruptly turned around. The glint of the moonlight mirrored on the green glass as it lay in scattered pieces across the road; it appeared to have come from nowhere. But then I watched as another bottle covered the radius from a few metres back to the road. I watched as the impact happened and then it was shortly followed by the shattering sound as the broken pieces cluttered across the road. Ashley turned back around walking slightly faster but I kept watching wanting to know who the barer of this bottle was. But Ashley kept on tugging at my hand silently telling me to walk faster.
“Just keep walking,” She told me. “That happens. They won’t actually do anything, cus I’m not on my own.”
I still couldn’t see the bottle launcher and I wanted to. I wanted to know who thought it was clever or funny to just randomly chuck glass bottles in the middle of the road. I just pitied whoever was next to come along this road in a car in the dark.
“Wait, this has happened before?”
I furrowed my brow and Ashley looked up at me and nodded as if I should already know this. But I really didn’t know as much as I would like about her life in New York. I thought I did, but clearly a lot of things have changed.
“It happens all the time,” She said dismissively and I raised my eye-brows. I didn’t know how comfortable I felt about her living here anymore if this happened all the time. “It’s normally fine if you keep walking and don’t pay any attention. Which is why you need to turn around. They’ll get bored in a minute. And besides, they don’t approach people who aren’t on their own.”
This confused me. She was so casual about it, like she had known and endured in this enough to write her own guide for it. I was still dumfounded though, who just randomly throws bottles in the middle of the night?
“What exactly do ‘they’ do?”
I queried finally obeying her demands and turning back around. She looked up at me and quirked an eye-brow as if I should know this, but the truth was, I had no idea.
“Well, they’re gang members, what do you think they do?”
I was a bit taken aback by this and found myself turning back around to see if they had appeared from the comfort of the shadows yet but now I could see nothing but the shards of glass and no more were following, the same way as nothing else was stirring, whoever it was, was either keeping very quiet or had backed down.
“Oh,” Was all I said. And Ashley looked back up at me as if was waiting for me to expand on this, so I did, but I wasn’t so sure of what to say. “I didn’t…I didn’t realise it happened around here.”
She shrugged biting her lip. It was at that moment that I realised that now that I knew that I would never be comfortable with her living here on her own, and maybe, just maybe, it was time to at least start to put the happenings of Christmas into action. It just seemed right, like everything was finally slotting into place. She had made a ton of progress in fixing herself and I was pretty sure I could help her do the rest, she’s happy, she’s not tied down in New York with anything as she’s quit her job. And the next few months are going to be a lot quieter for me, meaning – hopefully – I can resume our relationship back into what it used to be. It was then that I decided that I was really going to devote myself to Ashley, at least for as long as I could. And after all, she only has two weeks left of her contract with her apartment. It seemed right. And I hadn’t even thought about this properly but I decided to take a risk, the words weren’t even formed and yet they were already rolling off my tongue.
“Wh-What are you doing after two weeks is up?”
I asked her and she shot her gaze to mine raising her eye-brows. And then she shrugged.
“Dunno. Going back to London probably. Maybe I’ll go home…”
When I just looked at her she was quick to add,
“My Mum’s not exactly…Around at the moment.”
“Oh.” I said, and then suddenly blurted out, “Stay with me?”
For a moment she just looked at me and then opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. I suddenly felt nervous for her answer and I was about to backtrack when she suddenly stopped walking and let go of my hand instead reaching up she wrapped her arms around my neck. I routinely placed mine on her hips all the while I just looked at her waiting to see what she was going to do. And then she slid herself onto the wall behind her, simultaneously I positioned myself in the space in between her legs all while she kept her arms draped over my shoulders playing with my hair as we just stared back at each other.
“What do you mean?”
She suddenly said taking me by slight surprise. She cocked her head to the side slightly and furrowed her brow, she looked pretty cute. For a minute I wondered what I did mean, was she really going to start building a life with me after what I did? We’ve only just renewed things a few hours ago. Is it too soon? But I’m so sure. I’m so sure that she’s the one I want to build my life with. She agreed at Christmas when I asked her, could she have changed her mind because I was a complete dick to her? I wouldn’t blame her if she had. But still, there was a part of me that really hopes and believes that she hasn’t. She’s Ashley, she doesn’t hold grudges.
“Well, I just mean that maybe you could come back to London with me, with us. Me and the boys would love you move back in with us, we missed you Ash, so much. But we don’t have to stay with the lads forever, I mean, I’m not gonna push you about it. Just whenever you’re ready, but maybe, we could start looking at somewhere for ourselves? It’s just an idea though; it’s completely up to you.”
For a moment she just stared back at me, it was a very painful few moments before the corners of her mouth upturned and she smiled a proper full hearted smile. She wouldn’t do that if she was about to say no. I couldn’t smile back though; I was too tense waiting for her reply.
“Niall, I’d love to. Of course I’m ready, in fact, I couldn’t think of a better time…I’ve been thinking about re-building my life in London for a while now, and building it with you just makes it a hundred times better.”
She clarified beaming at me and I felt the corners of my mouth upturn straight away. I couldn’t believe this. I was actually going to start things properly with Ashley. I guess sometimes good things do come to those who wait. They really do.
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A/N.
hey hey hey
Right so when I start writing a chapter I'm like right I want this, this and this to happen in this chapter and I realise I've already written loads and I haven't even got half of the things covered I wanted to:/ Which is why these chapters are moving a bit slow at the moment. I mean like it took them a whole chapter to get halfway to McDonald's hahaha
oh welll
so I've decided I'm gonna do a chappie in Louis' POV and that will be Chapter 54 and in these next few chapters Justin will be involved okay;D
Just to clear a few things up alright: I'm probably not having Eleanor in this story meaning Louis is single. Zayn and Mallory are together again. Faye and Harry are still on and off and their situation will be cleared up properly in the chapter of Louis' POV and I'm having Liam dating Danielle still okaaay
hehe
right so what the hell is all this about this video of Zayn on twitter? Like I have no idea what is going on. I just got out the shower this morning and I was sat in my room in my towel on twitter on my phone and there's all this stuff about "Losing respect for Zayn." and shit and I'm just like what's going on. Like seriously this fandom pisses me off sometimes, I'll probably get called a Directionator next for not knowing what's going on sigh seriously it pisses me off that at the moment people are trying to prove that Zerrie is fake, Perrie's my favourite out of the girlfriends and I personally love them together. And omg everyone was like having a baby yesterday because Niall tweeted Demi Happy birthday seriously let them do what they want if they're happy. anyway so I'd like to know what's going on (:
on a better note - I love you all so much like seriously you're all my babies.
okay bye
-Emily.