"Happy Birthday Evalynn!" Lottie said poking my arm as I lay in bed. Her getting up had disturbed me but I was still just lying in bed because I didn't really want to get up.
I rolled over to face her. She was in her rugby kit already because she had a match this morning naturally, which was why she was up so early. My birthday falling in March meant it always clashed with someone's rugby match or training. "Thanks." I replied sleepily. I wasn't a morning person, and everybody knew it. Instead of getting out of bed I snuggled Josie, my starry bear, closer to my face.
Charlotte brushed her fingers through my messy hair. "It would be a shame if you didn't get to open my lovely present. Or the one from your mamma." She teased.
I sat up. "What is it you gave me?" I asked her suddenly excited.
"Not telling yas." She replied with a smile.
I sighed and finally got up. "Then I'll have to go find out won't I."
She smiled, and left my room, and I pulled on a cute grey pair of leggings with black hearts printed on them and a top decorated with butterflies before running down the stairs. Fashion wasn't one of my strong points, and most people already knew it. Those who didn't know that simply didn't know me at all.
Mummy Amy (as I had taken to calling her given she was the only mother figure I had ever known except mamma from her notes) made pancakes for breakfast, like she always did on our birthdays, and as Charlotte had gone out with papa Ian to play her match it was just the three of us. Katie smiled across the table at me. It made me happy that she was still accepting of me even despite what she'd said a few months back about my mamma being a useless horrible woman who was 'addicted', whatever that meant, to nasty things and couldn't even be bothered to look after her own child. Or, as had hastily been added, wasn't actually able to take care of me. She'd also called mamma a word that mummy Amy had hastily told me to never say out loud ever, especially not if you're going to call someone else it. But from what I could tell from the notes she always sent me with her presents I didn't think Katie could be more wrong, my mamma wanted me to be in her life I was sure, just something was stopping that from being the case. As story book as it sounded, I always imagined mamma as being something cool that meant she wasn't at home very often and that was why she didn't look after me. Maybe she was a superstar that had to run off to America to shoot movies or to Sweden to record albums like Steps had once. Or maybe she was an explorer who had to give me up because she couldn't take me trecking through the jungles to find new species of animals. When I had spoken to her about it, Mummy Amy had said that Katie was probably having something called "the monthly girly time" and hadn't really meant what she said at all. I didn't understand entirely, but I had grasped it was something I'd have to get used to as I got older.
Mummy Amy started to tidy up the kitchen and I went to help her but was stopped by Katie. She tried to get me to eat the last pancake like she always did.
"I don't need another pancake." I argued.
"You're the birthday girl, it's yours." Katie retorted.
"But..."
"No buts just eat it!" Katie teased.
I shrugged. "You can have it. I don't want it honest."
She relented and ate the pancake.
#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
"It's present time littlie!" Charlotte called from the living room. She'd been back from her match for a while and had a shower and changed in the time since, all the while I'd been waiting and desperately hoping my birthday presents wouldn't get forgotten like they had the other year.
Katie did the ceremonious family joke of lifting up the birthday girl, and put me over her shoulder. Having a training rugby player as a sister had many advantages as it turned out. She aspired to play in the top woman's league one day and I genuinely thought she stood a strong chance.
I gazed at the few presents that awaited me. I never had very many but it always made me happy people had thought of me. I knew there was one from Mummy Amy and Papa Ian, and one from both Charlotte and Katie, but I didn't know what any of them was. I also knew I had received my usual annual present from my birth mother, but again, I wasn't sure what that would be either. I think I was most excited for that one just so I could read the note inside and confirm to myself that she was still out there and loved me and missed me.
"Happy birthday sweetie." Mummy Amy said.
"Thanks Mummy." I replied.
#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
I sat, surrounded by ripped off wrapping paper, and looking at my presents. My favourite present by far had to be the Mamma Mia DVD Charlotte had brought me, although the book Katie had brought seemed good too. It was called "The tail of Emily Windsnap", and had everything I could want from a book, especially mermaids. But despite the excitement it had caused me, the one that had also confused me the most was that my birth mother had sent me Steps' Gold Album. I was confused as to how she knew I liked Steps, because we'd never spoken to each other. Mummy Amy wouldn't have told her, they didn't really communicate with mamma all the much, it must have been chance surely?
"What's up with it sweetie?" Mummy Amy asked me.
"Nothing it's just how did she know that I love Steps." I asked in reply. I knew how my best friends would answer that, I knew they always liked to tease me that Faye was my mamma and I was the daughter she'd had not long after they released Its the Way you Make me Feel.
"I don't know, lucky guess I suppose." She shrugged.
I smiled, and picked up my gifts, distributing them to the appropriate locations on my way to my room.
I carried both of my new books and the cd upstairs, to add to the relevant shelves, and Katie helped me to take my new littlest pet shop figures out of their wrapper before adding them to my collection.
"I need to acknowledge the fact that I'm so sorry for saying all that stuff about your mamma last year." She told me.
"I know." I replied, softly. She'd said it at Christmas but I hadn't really felt ready to accept it then. I'm not sure she'd been ready to apologise.
"I will probably always regret saying any of that... all of that even." She explained. I wasn't sure if in part that was to do with the yelling mummy Amy had done at her or if it was entirely that Katie was now sorry and feeling guilty about making me feel out of place.
I sighed and looked away from her, trying not to let my tears slip out. I turned to my CD player and opened the case of my new CD. I noticed a small note sticking out of the insert booklet slot, and took it out. On it was the handwriting that was all too familiar to me. I'd already seen it on a card from her today, but the notes in the presents were more precious. I'd stolen every birthday card that mamma had sent me and kept it, and every note was kept either with it's gift or tucked in the same box as the cards were. I took to looking through what mamma had written this time.
"Hello Evalynn,
It's mamma. I find it hard to believe you're already nine. I just want you to know if you ever feel neglected, that I'm always thinking of you. I find looking up at the stars helps, you'll see the same ones as me wherever in England you are, that might help you feel better. And maybe this will help you think of me more often too. I wish I can one day give you a massive hug because I love you, even from afar.
All my love.
Mamma. Xx"
She'd finished the note off with her signiture heart inside a heart doodle, this time drawn in red sparkly pen. I stared at it, before shaking off my thoughts and placing the note back in the insert book slot. I wasn't even going to attempt to fool myself into thinking that Faye was my mum based off of a note in a CD, in fact, I had no doubt from that that my mother was more likely actually just a worker in a CD shop. Sticking the CD in the player, I hit play and shoved the note in the case to the back of mind for a while.
Katie shot me a massive grin, accompanied by a look of approval, before continuing to play with my animal figures. For a girl going on 18 (her birthday fell in early June), she was a big child really. Well besides the fact she played rugby twice - if not three times - a week, once a week at a town level (when she played for Gloucester girls rugby club) and once at county level (when she of course played for Gloucestershire). I loved getting to watch her play matches when people would let me tag along to watch, although it was scary because some of the girls she played with were much bigger than her and it always made me scared when one of the big girls from the other team tackled her. But she was always okay, and it always made me feel better when she got back up again and carried on as if nothing had happened.
"I said - Hey Penny can you get Laika for me." Katie said, elbowing me sharply and dragging me back from being lost in the music.
"Owch." I replied, rubbing my ribs.
"Sorry too hard?" She asked.
I nodded, and picked up the barbie doll I called Penny, as well as the Littlest Pet Shop figure I called Laika. She smiled at me as I passed her the pet. We played like that for most of the rest of the day, with Charlotte joining in after she'd finished her homework. It was fair to say that I loved my sisters.
#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*#*
I brushed my fingers through my hair in an attempt to remove the returning curls from my hair. My hair never stayed straight for long and I actually much preferred the curls to having straightened hair anyway. It had been nice to go out for dinner as we'd gone to the Chinese all-you-can-eat restaurant not far from our house. I loved Chinese food, it was my favourite; I particularly liked lemon chicken with the sweet and sour sauce, and had eaten loads of it despite everyone else thinking it was a weird combination, although I had strategically avoided the sushi my sisters so adored. I pulled my checked dress over my head, and put on my pajama top and buttoned it up. I wished my real parents were here, it wasn't that I didn't like Mummy Amy and Papa Ian, but I just wanted to meet them, to see them face to face and speak to them. Tell mamma how much I adored her and hoped she was okay without me. Wanted my mamma to kiss me on the forehead, tuck me into the covers and wish me goodnight. In fact I wanted it so much that my birthday candle wish was to meet them. I sort of already knew that birthday candle wishes very rarely came true. I kinda knew because Katie had been explaining it to Charlotte a few years back, and I'd overheard them talking about it. It had made me feel sad knowing that it most likely wouldn't come true. I'd also overheard them at another point talking about Father Christmas not being real, and that had made me even sadder.
As I curled up between my bed-sheets, I thought about what my parents might look like. I pictured my mum as a pretty women, with wavy golden blonde hair, just a little bit darker than my own (I supposed when I thought about it harder that it would be the same sort of colour as Charlotte's); and beautiful blue eyes, just the same colour as mine. I pictured her as incredibly beautiful, and really tall. I then realised that, aside from the hair colour, I was pretty much imagining Faye Tozer. For my dad I imagined deep brown hair, and beautiful green eyes, sort of a male version of Lisa from Steps I suppose.
I didn't know for how long I fantasised about my parents before I fell asleep, but my best guess was that it was quite some time. Sleepily, I snuggled my teddy bear closer to my chest and fell asleep. Somehow, that beautiful, blonde, almost-Faye-Tozer woman even managed to sneak into my dreams.
"One day you'll find me." My dream mamma said. "One day." I hoped she was right.