My heartbreak feels cold. It's like concrete drying in my chest. Perhaps the worst part is that the heartbreak is unexpected, as is always is; top of the world one minute and cut down the next. I feel like my heart is literally cracking in two, leaving a massive, gaping hole in my chest. Tears stab at my eyes, making my vision go blurry, but Alex does not even notice, his eyes stamped onto his beautiful erasthai. I feel my heartbeat rising, and my breathing becoming shallower, but before the tears can leak from my eyes, I jump up and bolt away into the forest behind the shimmering lake. I keep running and running, sobbing quietly, before I trip and land face first onto the dusty forest floor. I don't have any strength to get up and continue running from my heartache, so I stay down, weak and oppressed with hot tears dripping from my cheeks, creating a puddle on the floor. Violent sobs wrack my body, as I cry out in pain and sorrow.
We were never destined to be, but I fooled myself into thinking we could be each other's everything. In another life maybe, but right now our story has finished. I was so foolish! I cannot believe I admitted I'm in love with him! To his face! Everything is ten times harder now. There is no question about what is going to happen. He will mate with her and sweep her back to Russia to become his queen, whilst I grow old and die alone with seventeen cats. I don't even like cats! At the thought, fresh tears stream down my face.
Suddenly I hear his bounding footsteps echoing in the distance, before his alluring scent comes into range. It usually offers comfort and peace, but right now, it adds to the pain and wretchedness.
"G-go away!" I hiccup through my tears, once I know he is close enough to hear.
"Phoebe..." Alex murmurs back, sounding equally as disconsolate as I am.
"N-no. J-just g-go. Be with... with her." I stumble over my words, refusing to look at him knowing that he can never be mine.
"Phoebe... I am so sorry. This wasn't... I'm sorry. I'm not leaving you alone." He sighs, sadness deeply engraved into his voice.
In response, I merely continue to cry, his presence overwhelming me. Why is he here? He should be with his t-true love, not with me, a sad, pathetic girl who stupidly allowed herself to be in love with him. Even though my eyes are firmly closed, buried into my arms, and even though he has his erasthai, I am still so in tune with him. I try not to think about the fact this his heartbeat is slightly faster than usual, and he keeps cracking his knuckles – a nervous trait of his. I should not be thinking about him so much subconsciously, but I guess it is just one of the side affects of love.
"Phoebe..." Alex groans out like a wounded animal, before taking steps towards me.
"Don't!" I hiss, successfully stopping him in his tracks.
I shakily sit up, trying to swallow my never-ending sobs, whilst rubbing the story of sadness from my puffy eyes. Looking down I notice my hands are bleeding; scraped from the fall, but I never even registered the pain, as I am numb with heartache. Once I have calmed down to some degree, still shaking and hiccupping with sadness, I turn to look at Alex, who is on his knees a little distance from me. He looks so broken, and fresh tears trail from my eyes as I take in his beautiful form, his eyes misty with sorrow and tears ready to drip. I swallow a strangled sob, as I know that he will never be mine to touch, to hold or to love again.
"Phoebe... please... I lo..." Alex begins, but I quickly cut him off, knowing I will not be able to stand whatever it is he is going to say.
"Alex please, no. Don't say a word. This is out of our hands. Y-you should g-go to her. It is what you always wanted. Your e-erasthai. We were never going to work. Forget what I said. Go to her, I won't stand in the way." I whisper, vanquished.
"But Phoebe..." Alex begins, pleading with his eyes.
I feel my like my heart breaks all over again as a lone tear trickles down from the corner of his left eye, which he doesn't bother to wipe away. I have never seen Alex cry before, and it is certainly something that I never want to see again. He is such a powerful, regal creature, that tears just don't suit him. This whole situation is so wrong. We were never meant to be, I religiously tell myself.
"No Alex. Don't make this h-harder then it has, it has to b-be. Go to her... you n-need each, each other."
I pull back the hand that is craving to hold him, to tell him everything is all right, and craving to wipe that mournful tear away and replace it with a kiss. Instead, I wipe at my own eyes, smudging my mascara even more, and wipe my runny nose on my ruined sleeve in a very undignified fashion. I am such a mess.
"Ok..." Alex sighs regretfully, lowering his eyes from my own. He sniffs and wipes away the evidence of his emotions towards me. At least with the tear it confirmed the fact that he does actually care for me to some degree. "I will ask Vincent to come and pick you up." He murmurs.
It's actually happening... this is it. Goodbye. Knowing if I open my mouth to speak I will crumble, I simply keep my wobbling jaw fastened tight, and turn away from Alex with a bitter smile, squeezing my eyes shut, willing the next round of tears to stay in a little while longer. After a couple of seconds Alex growls wrathfully before punching what I presume to be a tree, as I hear the bark splinter and groan in protest, before the nasty cracking of bones suggests he has transformed into his lycan, and then he rushes further into the forest. At least he is not going back to her... not yet anyway.
As soon as his thundering footsteps melt into a whisper of an echo, I break down crying again, my head buried in my hands. This is more than crying; it's the kind of desolate sobbing that comes from a person drained of all hope. A little while later Vincent arrives and takes in my broken form, before effortlessly picking me up and taking me back to his car. I'm grateful for his silence. Each time I start to calm down, the reality of the situation hits me again, causing fresh tears to spring to my eyes. I guess it is because a heart does not break like brittle teeth, it breaks in waves of pain, each one more all consuming then the last. By the time we pull up at the house, my tears have run dry and I sit simply numb, staring out the window but not really seeing anything. My mind keeps torturing me with flashbacks of my limited time with Alex, and our separate futures. I guess our greatest friend and greatest enemy is ourselves.
"Are you ok?" Vincent murmurs, as he powers off the car.
"I look like a mess, and not a hot one. What do you think?" I retort in a small, strangled voice that doesn't sound like mine.
"Right. You know Phoebe, he does care about you." Vincent tells me, actually looking serious for once.
"I know. That's what makes this even harder." I sigh, biting back tears again as I get out the car.
As soon as I enter the house, I see Ana and Tammy talking about something animatedly, before calling me over, but I cannot bring myself to put on a mask and pretend as if everything is ok, so I simply run past them and up the stairs to my room, ignoring their calls of worry. As soon as I have slammed the door shut, I collapse onto my bed, feeling the tears resurface once again. I am more broken now then I have ever been before, which is so pathetic seeing as Alex is only a guy. There are plenty more fish in the sea. But none like Alex... my conscience taunts me.
When Tammy comes in, a sombre mood about her, I know that Vincent has told her about what has happened. I want to push her away and tell her to go to her perfect mate, but as soon as she climbs into the bed and pulls a soft silk blanket over me, I snuggle into her familiar touch and relax into a tortured sleep.
***
When I awake it is still dark out, and my alarm clock highlights the fact that it is only just past four in the morning. Tammy, who is sleeping soundlessly, her calm breaths tickling my neck, is still holding me. It is as if I was never actually asleep, my eyes snapping open and everything flooding back immediately. I feel no relief from shutting down for a few hours, and it is as though I have awoken into a nightmare. Even though I haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon, I am not hungry. My heartbreak has stolen that right. Every time I think of Alex (which is every freaking moment) my heart breaks a little bit more, and there is a constant pain in my chest, constricting each time I swallow. What I am feeling can only be described as how a werewolf feels when their mate rejects them.
This house holds so many memories between the two of us, which I used to love, but now it is suffocating. Alex and I made out on this bed. Alex and I made out in the gym. Alex and I made out in the bathroom. Alex and I will never make out again. But he and his erasthai will. How will I ever survive that? The truth is, I don't think I will be able to... I think a part of me will always love Alex, as I'm too involved with him. I love him with all of me, and I think I will die if I have to witness him love another. Which is why I am going to have to leave.
A sad chapter today... what do you guys think will happen?
See you soon!! Maddie xoxo
Edited