Lee Jiwon's POV
"Yes, Jimin. I am Iris and I'm a stripper."
My body shivered from shame, sadness, and anger but why am I feeling this way if this is what I wanted? I wanted him to know me ㅡ this other me ㅡ so that he'll stop but why am I suddenly feeling this way? Why am I feeling sad and ashamed?
I lowered my head in shame and exited the room, leaving him in his still shocked state. I guess this is it. He'll stop on pursuing me now that he knows that I am not what he thinks I am. I should feel relieved but why am I suddenly feeling hurt? I cannot understand myself.
"Jiwon, are you okay?" Our manager asked and held my wrist, preventing me from walking away towards the dressing room and ignoring her. "Why are you crying?"
I'm crying?
I touched my cheek and it was wet because of my tears. I didn't even realize that I am crying but why? Why am I crying?
"It's nothing. I-I just don't feel well. Unnie, c-can I go home? Just for tonight, please." With a look of concern on her face, she nodded and patted my back for comfort. "I'll cancel your remaining private shows for tonight. I'm sure they'll understand. I'll take care of it, okay? Just rest when you get home."
I nodded and smiled. "Thanks, Unnie."
"Of course." She gave me a tight hug before letting me go.
Inside the dressing room, I stared at myself on the mirror, my lingerie hugging my body perfectly but my face was already messy from the smudged make up caused by my crying. I feel dirty again. I know that there's nothing really wrong with being a stripper but after Jimin knew, why am I suddenly feeling so little of myself. Is it because I've lost another person that became close to my heart?
Jimin has become a good friend to me. If he just didn't grow feelings for me, we'd probably be alright by now. I just couldn't let a person like him be with me. If people learns what I do for a living and see us together, it is not only me who will be criticized but also him and he doesn't deserve to be treated like that.
Look at me, just look at me. Seeing me like this, almost naked and using my body to earn money over those crazy rich men... now that Jimin knows, I don't think he'll ever see me as what he sees when he was still clueless. From the start, it's just me and myself to have and to comfort me; to accept me from everything, so I shouldn't really be hurt.
Yeah, that's right Jiwon. You need no one because no one will understand you. You're a tough woman yourself.
I wiped my tears and cleaned off my make up while staring at myself with courage.
Why am I even hurt when I'm used to having my own back? Jimin isn't a lost.
Going out of the dressing room wearing my black hoodie and jeans, the hoodie covering my head, I saw Jimin at the corner looking so deep in his thoughts as he drank his glass of whiskey. He must be thinking of what happened earlier.
Gosh, Jiwon, how stupid can you get? You were all so courageous while approaching him that other night and telling him that Jiwon is a stripper but now you're hurt? Aigoo, Lee Jiwon.
At home, I checked on Dawon and smiled after seeing him asleep on his bed with all his things scattered on his bed. On his hand still holds his ball pen. I checked on it and saw that he's trying to solve a Math problem and since I'm kind of bored, I finished solving it on his scratch paper and added some explanations before fixing his things, fixing his position in a comfortable one and tucking him on a blanket.
"Sweet dreams," I softly whispered before kissing his forehead.
I closed my eyes and relaxed my body on the tub, the scent of vanilla and lavender of my bath bomb calming me as well as the warm water embracing my body.
"I like you so much and I'm ready to accept you, just be honest with me."
His voice that was full of sincerity when he told me those words, I wonder if he'll keep it now that he knows what I am during the night - now that he knows that the 'innocent and pure' girl that he likes actually spends her night dancing and stripping for rich men to survive this cruel life. Can he really accept me?
I think not. In today's life, people tend to see more of your flaws than the good acts that you do or did and these little flaws affect the way of how they treat you and think of you. Everything just turns out to have an issue without people even understanding your point of view. People just come and judge you even if they aren't informed enough of what's behind the born issue which is stupid. It's stupid because they judge as if they're perfect when at times, those who judge are even worse than those who they are judging. It's sad to think that majority of people have this mindset.
But I'm hoping that he's not one of them. I hope he isn't.
The next morning, I returned to my old-self at school - the nerd Jiwon. Applying make up and making myself look sexy is now useless because he already knows.
Speaking of that...
Damn, he wouldn't tell that anyone won't he?! What if he does? What if he tells his friends about Iris' identity? Would they plan a gang bang? Oh God, I'm overthinking but I can't help it! For pete's sake they are all known for being fuck boys and I don't know them enough to think that they're not actually going to plan on pouncing on me once they find out!
It's not that I'm being full of myself but I've heard them several times already about their desires to lay me - to lay Iris.
"Dawon-ah! You forgot your lunch box!" I shouted, calling my brother. He turned around and took his lunch box in the table. "Oops," he said cutely. "By the way, thanks for answering my homework, noona, and for the explanation."
I smiled and patted his head. "No problem."
After making sure that the apartment was fine to be left, I locked the door and walked to the bus station to get to university.
A familiar black car passed by and I bit my lip. It's Jimin's car. I actually miss him being all initiative on bringing me to school and why the hell am I thinking of him again? Geez, Jiwon, stop! For sure he'll just treat you as a stranger from now on. You're a cheap, filthy hoe in his eyes now, how can he like you?
Days passed by without Jimin having a word with me. I see him but he never looks at me or avoids my eyes like before when I caught him looking at me and he then avoided my gazes when I saw him staring.
I smiled bitterly after seeing him from afar. I guess it's really over. I knew he cannot accept a person like me. He's just like the others. I was right. I'm now again a stranger to him. I guess I was born to be alone, without any friends.
All human deserves happiness but happiness is really just based on our views in life. If one sees more of the bitter part of life, they end up becoming miserable and depressed. I may not have any friends with me nor my parents to support me, but I am happy that I still have Dawon and he is my only family. He may not know what I really do for us to fulfill our financial needs, I'm still happy to see him growing well. He is my motivation to live and fight in this world.
I have an hour and a half before my next class and I decided to eat my lunch under the tree located at the soccer field of the university as I read 'Faceless' by Alyssa Sheinmel which is a story of a girl who burned her face while jogging in one rainy morning and had a face transplant. I only have a tuna sandwich with lettuce and tomatoes and a can of pineapple juice for lunch.
I know I'm not the only one doing this but I'm multi-tasking right not. As I eat and read, I'm also listening to my favorite songs.
Peace and quiet. How good will it be if life is just like that? But that's plain and boring. Challenges and problems come and go. As they come, they develop you as a person and build your character and your perspectives in life but when they go, you stand up with your feet proudly because you became stronger and a better version of who you are. Those hardships made you as who you are today and you should be grateful for it. Be thankful of everything.
This story that I am currently reading somehow shows the stages of grief. The main character lost her face and came with that was her old life and she felt like something or someone died in her but as time passed, she learned to accept and embrace her new identity and her new life.
I smiled and sighed before closing my book and drinking my can of pineapple juice empty.
"Jiwon, watch outㅡ UGH!" My eyes widened in shock after seeing the soccer ball hitting Jimin's face when he purposely blocked it for me. I immediately approached him and placed his head on my lap. His cheek was really red and surely it will bruise later. "Are you okay?" I asked him but he just hissed in pain.
The player who kicked the ball that was supposedly going to hit me approached us. "I'm so sorry, Sunbae (senior). Please allow me to bring you to the clinic." He helped Jimin stand and together, we helped Jimin walk until we reach the clinic. The player apologized once more before excusing himself politely since he needs to practice more.
"You can go. I'll take care of him," I told him.
"Uh, yes," he bowed as a sign of respect for his senior. "I'll go now."
After he left, I sighed and stared at Jimin while the nurse cleaned the small cut on Jimin's lips. "Stay there. I'll just get the ice pack." The nurse said before rushing onto somewhere.
Why did he take the ball? It was meant to hit me but why did he take it? He didn't really have to.
I heard the nurse foot steps coming nearer. "...uh, yes. Third floor, south wing... copy... uh-huh..." I looked at the nurse in confusion after she gave me the ice pack. Using her lips, she pouted her lips to point at Jimin's direction where he was laying on the bed, his eyes closed.
"Someone hyperventilated. Take care of him for awhile," she said before leaving, pushing a wheel chair with her.
Sighing, I looked at Jimin again. This feels awkward. After that night, I don't really know how I would show him my face. I feel ashamed of myself again. I should leave, but I need to thank him for taking the ball for me so that I wouldn't get hurt.
I took a deep breath. Alright, just say thank you and go, Jiwon. I nodded to myself and stood up.
"Hey..." I softly said, still looking at his face as I stood beside him. When he slowly opened his eyes, I immediately put my head down, avoiding his eyes.
"Are you hurt?" He asked. I bit my lips. He's really weird.
"Y-yah, pabo... I should be the one asking you that," I told him, stuttering because I was feeling shy. Ugh, this so awkward!
He chuckled. I saw his hand take the ice pack on my hand. "I'll take that as a 'no'."
A moment of silence for awhile before I got the courage to talk again. "J-Jimin-ssi, thank you for blocking the ball." I turned around, about to walk away when he grabbed my wrist, making me stop and look at him. "Jimin...?"
He smirked. "Thank you isn't enough, Jiwon."
My heart skipped a beat. Shit, I don't feel so good about this especially when he has that smirk on his lips. I owe him something but I won't ask him what he wants me to do! He'll take advantage of it, that's for sure!
I remained silent instead and he looked like he's expecting an answer or anything from me but I stayed strong for what I want to do until he's gone tired of staring at me. He complained. "Aish! No fun! Most people would be like 'please tell me what I can do to repay you' or like 'I'll do anything to pay you back' but you just kept silent?! Aish, really?!" I looked at him in confusion. The heck is wrong with him.
"Was gonna play with you and tell you I want sex, tch," he whispererd to himself but it wasn't inaudible enough to pass my hearing. This idiot.
"Shut up," I said and rolled my eyes. As I was about to walk away, he tightened his hold on my wrist. "Y-yah, let me go!" I can't look at his eyes again.
Silence surrounded us for a moment until he broke it. "I know the truth already but it didn't stop me from liking you." I felt my cheeks burn from his words and I found myself gazing at his black orbs that was filled with sincerity. "But I wanna know you more. I know that there is something more special behind what you do for a living and no matter what that reason is, I feel like it makes me want to cherish you more and take care of you."
"Jimin..."
"It pays big. You and Dawon are still studying. That's it, isn't it?" He asked me which I only answered with a nod. What he said made me feel so warm and understood. It is almost as if I want to cry because of joy and relief because he understands me.
He smiled a very gentle and genuine smile. "I like you so much, Jiwon. I really do, and I accept you for who you are."