"I loved her. You had no right— you had no right to do what you did."
Stars twinkled above December High on the 15th of December. Day had dipped into evening far sooner than it had any right to. By 3 pm, the streets had already been steeped in darkness, lit up only by the occasional streetlight.
"I had to watch you mistreat her, act like you loved her when really you..."
The school itself looked regal, almost unreal. Glittering strings of light had been fastened to the pillars and roof. The walls were lined with blinking decor, a mishmash of Christmas and festival symbols. People were crowding near the entrance, bodies glammed up in pristine outfits of celebration. A large "welcome" plaque hung above the vestibule entry. Mr. White was present just inside, greeting parents and students alike. He wore a slightly faded suit but otherwise didn't look like he'd been on the verge of a mental breakdown for the past three months. It was far from the only impressive feat that night.
"You didn't deserve her."
On the 4th floor, every surface was spotless. The alcoves had gotten a much-needed cleanup earlier that day. Even the pillows had gotten a washing. They were no longer the faded, dusty things that had been lying around since my first year. After hours had returned to this hallway once again, but no darkness or silence lived here now. There were plenty of erratic footsteps, but none of them belonged to thieves or stalkers.
On the floor, Axel was no longer wrestling a red-faced teenager, no longer grappling with the stolen model, which had been crushed with the tremendous impact. The floor was polished and inhabited by groups of chattering teenagers now. And Axel? Well, he wore a suit.
"You?" Axel's voice was strained. He held the person as they struggled against his grip.
"Let me go."
The familiar voice prompted me to act. I'd been frozen in the alcove ever since Axel leaped, but now I sprang to my feet in recognition. It was like being woken up from a long, confusing dream. I swept around Axel, caught sight of the broken model on the floor, and found myself staring into two familiar, spiteful eyes.
"William," I said. Puzzle pieces aligned and slotted themselves together in my brain. I could feel my mouth falling open, but did little to close it. He looked so small and pathetic there on the floor. Reality came in the shape of our class' most diligent student, sprawled out underneath Axel.
"Get off of me," he hissed, fingers clawing against Axel's arms.
"Why?" I asked, word finding its own way out of me. "Why did you do all this?"
As William's eyes met mine, they were red and underlined by dark circles. His hair was a mess, and his vest — still wore a god damned vest — was in disarray. Understanding why he was lying there with a broken model, with hatred and spite bleeding out of his every mannerism -- it was quickly growing into an obsession. I had to know. I couldn't not know.
"I loved her," was his answer, delivered in shame through a trembling voice.
"How's Lily?" Axel asked as we found each other in the mess of students and parents. He didn't acknowledge the fact that he was wearing a god damned suit, nor that I was wearing something that was not a flannel shirt for the first time since we met. I wished my mom hadn't found our ironer. My tie felt like it wanted to strangle me.
"Her dad's downstairs," I replied, shuffling my feet and hugging my folded coat to my chest. "He's threatened to sue, but I doubt he will."
"And Lily?"
I grinned, recalling the sight of her flashy ball gown. "I think she's gonna be alright."
News traveled fast around here, and by now, everyone knew about the stalker and the thief. The rat incident made sense, the lost model was no longer lost (although it was certainly broken), and William was no longer the respected chairman of the literary club. In fact, he wasn't even here tonight.
Not many had been retold the words he spoke that night. Those words belonged to me and Lily. She had been very quiet when I had delivered them.
"I loved her." The words seemed to live inside my head now, coming back every now and then to remind me they existed. William's twisted, tortured face kept replaying as well, a constant reminder of things I'd done and said that I was ashamed of. He'd loved her in a way I never did or could.
Lily was the kind of person that saw everyone, even those that didn't necessarily deserve to be seen. William, dull and sarcastic as he was, never expected a girl like her to give him the time of day. When she eventually did, he fell for her, naturally. Their eyes had met, words had been exchanged, and as William put it, they had connected. Ignoring the fact that Lily had no recollection of this ever happening, William had been right about one thing.
"You didn't deserve her."
I had faced that truth weeks ago. Seeing Lily in the vestibule tonight, arm in arm with her proud father, shining brighter than the star on top of the Christmas tree, brought that knowledge to the forefront of my mind. Her face had been lit up when she saw me, and she'd even taken the time to shush at Olivia before she had time to say something scathing. Lily's Instagram account was dead now, but her confidence was back.
"You ready to do this?" Axel asked, his voice bringing me back to the present. It was nearing 8 pm, and the time was here. Speeches would be held, dances would be danced, and our film project would be projected on a screen for everyone to see. My belly did a nervous jig at the thought.
"Can I say no?" I asked, hope trailing from the words.
"Sorry," he said, mouth twisting into that sneaky smile of his. "What say we get it over with?"
I couldn't argue with that. As we followed the flow of students and eager relatives, familiar faces appeared in the crowd. Kurt was one of them, and he wasted no time before apologizing for his rage. We saw some of Axel's classmates, too. Jenny, the clever girl that was suspiciously close with the school counselor, swept past us in a whirlwind of silver and lace. Mia, the terrifying force that I had vowed never to speak with again, spared me half a glance in the doorway. Even some of the football players appeared, red-faced and stressed about their responsibilities finally catching up with them.
The auditorium was packed with people, lights, and expectations. On the stage was a single microphone, and standing before it was the principal. The old man was graying and looked frazzled around the edges. He kept gripping the microphone stand only to release it, eyes flashing from head to head out here in the audience.
People were settling into their seats, and Axel lead me up a stairway. As we reached the top, Seth appeared between the media folks near the audio-visual hub.
"Hey guys!" he chirped, energy emanating off of him. He wore a wide grin, a neon green shirt, and a bright red bow tie at his throat. "You made it!"
"Of course we made it," I huffed. "You think I'd skip out on this after preparing all damn semester? No way."
"You look fresh, Seth." Axel studied him, swept his eyes up and down Seth's body. He was met with an even wider grin.
"You think? Mio styled me. She said neon is the next big thing."
"Since when was your sister the authority on fashion?" I sent him a skeptical look.
"Be nice. She knows her stuff, okay?"
We had little time to chat, but meeting Seth grounded me. He was off to find his group now, nearly tripping over his own legs as he fled the scene. I watched his back and felt suddenly thankful for him and his initiative. Operation Nao was over now, mystery solved and sorted, written down in history as the most chaotic rescue mission of our lives. I'd doubted Seth's abilities when he'd decided to search the school, but it had earned us an ending, even if it was of the accidental sort.
The lights began to dim now, and the groups around us dispersed. People were settling into their positions, making sure equipment was alive and working. Axel and I kept close to the media hub, waiting as the speeches began and the festivities came alive.
The December Festival had been far in the back of my mind when I worked on the project this fall. There had been times when the video seemed both pointless and even silly. As the principal finished his speech and welcomed the first dance crew to the stage, I suddenly felt very small. As Olivia's moves sent ripples of applause through the crowd, I was all at once glad that we had made it.
Olivia danced, and soon after, Lily did as well. Their choreographies were so imprinted in their minds, so practiced and persistent that their performance was like watching one person instead of fifteen. Their bodies mingled with the music, writhed in an impossibly synchronized shape. They were less like a crew and more like an individual. I couldn't take my eyes off the stage while they danced.
When the dances were over, prizes were given out. Academic achievements, volunteer work — awards were handed out to those who excelled. I knew my mother was out there in the audience somewhere, watching and wondering. She'd never given me any grief for getting average results, but now I felt like maybe she should have. I also knew that somewhere in that giant mass of people, Axel's parents must have been sitting. I didn't know what they were thinking, but I knew that their first son never participated in anything like this. My averageness was a small thing, I realized.
"Hey, come on," Axel's voice came from my left, and I turned my head.
"What are you talking about? Our film is next."
"We've watched it a million times," Axel said, face hidden in the dark. "I think they can do this without us."
My stomach was in knots as we silently rose from our seats and snuck out the back door. I threw my head around in time to see the screen light up with the opening title. Our names stood side by side in giant letters.
"A film by Nao Summers & Axel Montgomery."
Even without looking, I knew exactly what shots would pan across the auditorium and when. As Axel closed the door behind us, I knew the screen would light up with dancers practicing their moves, my camerawork portraying a mix of hard work and motivation.
We walked through the hallway, empty now except for us and the decorations. Christmas lights hung along the walls, glittered in the lamplights, and led the way. Axel stayed silent as we made our way through the school. We passed the library, the locker room, and Operation Nao's sanctuary. We left all these places of memories behind, choosing instead to swing through the vestibule and out the front doors. Cold winter winds slammed into us, forcing us closer. Axel didn't stop until December High was no longer visible.
"Where are we going?" I asked, teeth chattering against the cold. I was glad I had never left my coat with the cloakroom attendants.
"Where do you want to go?" Axel replied. He didn't walk with certainty anymore. There was something stiff and almost nervous in the way he moved. His back was a square, suit-clad and strangely enticing.
"I think I know a place."
And I was the one leading him now. I hadn't been in this place since Seth and I had lunch here all those weeks ago. I still remembered how I'd struggled to be honest, fought the words as they tried to leave me.
The quiet serenity of the old cathedral was an immense comfort to me. We rounded the corner of the graveyard and found the tombstones cloaked in snow. The old bench Seth and I had rested on was almost invisible now. Lights blinked down at us from the giant cathedral's dome, and the sound of cars passing in the streets nearby was oddly pleasant. I wiped the bench with my coat and sat down, ignoring the cold.
"This place is nice," Axel began.
"I'm in love with you," I said, breath clouding in front of me.
I knew that by now, back in the auditorium, our film would already have shown vigorous football players and serious Specials. The screen would show interviews with people from Fort Violet, revealing nothing about what happened behind the scenes. The audience would watch as the Specials students talked about their futures, their careers, their direction in life.
And on a bench by the cathedral, I was confessing to Axel Montgomery.
"I know I ran away, and I'm sorry," I said. "I was scared. It wasn't really about being in love with a guy, as much as it was about... Me." The words seemed to come easier than I first thought.
Axel was sitting now, too, eyes trained on me and my admission.
"While I was with Lily, I realized I'm not like everyone else." The wind blew past us, spraying our faces with fresh snow. "I've been reading on the internet and I guess it's a thing. Seth says others feel like this but..." I paused, studied my shivering hands. "I'm still scared."
"About what?" Axel's breath was a cloud, too. The world was nearly silent around us.
"About you and us, that you won't..." I waved my hands, struggling to articulate my thoughts. "Like me anymore. I guess. I don't even know if you do like me, but..."
"I— " Axel spoke up, but I waved my hand again.
"Regardless of that, I have to do this. I've been running for months, and Axel," I closed my eyes, feeling the cold December air. "I'm tired."
His hand was warm when it found mine, fingers eclipsing my skin. I had said what I needed to, but looking him in the eye required more bravery than I possessed. The world was quiet, and in the auditorium, an audience that held strangers and friends alike applauded our film. The credits rolled and Seth was probably whooping. My mom might have dried a few tears with the back of her hand. Lily was most likely with Olivia, still sweaty after their dance, happier now.
"I do like you," Axel said. "For a while probably."
"Are you sure?"
His laughter was abrupt, almost like an explosion. "What do you mean 'are you sure'? Have you forgotten who kissed who?"
"I don't know! For all I know, you're regretting that."
"Do you?"
I closed my mouth. "No," I said. I remembered the moon and the feel of Axel's skin on mine. I remembered being afraid that it would be the first and only time we were close. "I don't regret it."
He shuffled closer, disturbed some of the snow that was slowly melting between us on the bench. His face was clear, with rosy cheeks and raven hair falling over his eyes. The crows feet near his eyes were back now that he was smiling. I had never wanted anything as much as I wanted to kiss him then.
Axel's forehead connected with mine, tangling our hair and narrowing the world until it was just us. His eyes were smiling.
"Are you up for this, then?" he asked.
"I want to be."
"What's stopping you?"
I bit my lip. My thoughts flashed back to Lily and the wounded expression she'd had. I didn't want to experience that again, didn't want to put someone else through it either.
"I think I'm asexual," I said. "And I'm scared that that will... That we..."
Axel leaned over and planted a kiss on my lips. It was just a chaste, quick little thing, but my breath caught in my throat.
"I was talking!"
"And I was listening."
My field of vision only held Axel.
"We'll figure this out together."
"But what if it doesn't work out?" My hands were shaking. Fear crept into my voice. "What if—"
The next thing I knew, I was in Axel's arms. His body pressed against mine, his strong arms kept me in place. I could see the graveyard over his shoulder, dark and abandoned, shielding us from the world. In the auditorium, things were likely about to end.
"Every relationship has that question hanging over it," Axel said, voice muffled against my clothes. "That's not unique to you and me. Things might not work out. Things might end."
"Exactly! So—"
"That doesn't mean we don't try."
He rested his hands on my shoulders and separated us. The smile on his face was neither one of worry nor deception. My eyes suddenly felt rather like I'd gotten something stuck in them. I blinked furiously and focused on the fading bruise on Axel's throat.
"We try, then," I said after a while.
"We try."
The next time we kissed it wasn't chaste. I still couldn't shake off the feeling that it would be the last time, so I clung to Axel, dug my hands into his coat and brought him closer. I memorized the texture of his skin, mapped out his face with my fingertips. I counted his eyelashes, just like I counted our kisses. We were up to three now.
By the end of the night, we'd surpassed fourteen. I was getting better at avoiding noise bumps and clashing teeth the more we practiced. The hours melted by while we talked and kissed and asked each other questions. I learned about Ezra and Axel's dad, and about how grief changes people in more ways than one. I taught Axel about anxiety and what it means to not be into sex.
Once we were past 53 kisses I stopped counting and started believing.
When we fell asleep in my bed hours later, after wisely deciding to postpone telling my mom until a more convenient time, the world made more sense than it had in a long time. Axel's face was a familiar friend now, and his hands trailed goosebumps across every surface they touched. I found myself giggling like a fourteen-year-old. It was both ridiculous and exhilarating.
As I curled up against Axel's chest, burying my face in the fabric of his t-shirt, I was warm and complete.
Any future dilemmas and worries were postponed until further notice. I planned on enjoying every second, every minute, and every hour of this. Empty holes and stomach aches could scram.
What once was lost, had been found, and I was no longer afraid.