2 weeks later
We were lying in bed together. Joe was staying the night again, something I loved. I didn't like sleeping alone anymore. My bed felt empty and I just needed his warmth by me every night. I missed him otherwise. Joe was wearing an undershirt that he now kept at my place and the pair of pajama pants I had told him to wear over a month ago. They had become his as far as I was concerned. I was wearing matching pajamas. They were tacky and childish, but they were a clothing choice I just couldn't shake. Joe told me he liked them because I looked adorable in them and he just wanted to squeeze me until I popped. We were lying in the dim light of my table lamp talking to each other before we were tired enough to fall asleep.
"Tomorrow's Valentine's Day, you know," I nuzzled my head further into his chest while he talked. I loved feeling the vibration of his voice in his chest. He spoke in a low tone to me when we talked like this in bed.
"I know," I replied. "The first time I'll have a boyfriend for it." I sighed. "Feels nice." Joe lifted his head to get a better look at me.
"You never had a boyfriend on Valentine's Day?" He seemed utterly shocked.
"Nope." It didn't bother me because the holiday never really mattered to me. It was just another day to me. "It just happened that none of the guys I dated stayed around for Valentine's. It never bothered me much."
"Well, then we have to make it special." I pushed myself up to look Joe straight in the eyes.
"No," I spoke louder and more forceful than I had wanted. "I just want a nice day with you. We don't need to do anything special. I just...want to spend it with you. Doing this. Just...being with each other. I don't need anything fancy, okay?" He nodded seeming a little scared by my reaction. I laid my head back down. "I just don't want you to go through all that trouble for me."
"It's no trouble, Jule. Really." There was a small pause between us, waiting for someone to talk.
"Just...nothing fancy," I whispered. He kissed the top of my head, leaving his lips there for a couple of seconds before peppering a couple more in the same spot.
"I want you to feel special. I could give you the world, but you wouldn't want that, and that's what I love about you." I was too caught in my own mind to realize he had said the word 'love'. It was a baby step, but we were so close to the perfect moment, I could feel it. Instead of acting on that word, my thoughts continued to race.
"I would be fine with a pebble," I replied. I could feel myself slipping into another episode of hating myself. It happened less frequently with Joe around, but they still happened. My self-love came in waves, with mountains and valleys along the way. I don't know what set me off today, but I couldn't stop it. I never could. I was extremely vulnerable because of it and I think Joe could sense it.
"But, you're worth more than that." I didn't look at him. I just stared at his stomach, alone with my thoughts. Trapped in my own mind. "I just wish you could see that sometimes." He kissed my head again. We laid there for a minute in silence. My heart rate began to speed up as my mind raced. I started fidgeting my hands; tapping them and moving them in an impatient manner waiting for something to happen. I didn't know what my body was waiting for to happen, but something. Joe adjusted himself, tightening his grip on me. "What's wrong, what's wrong?" He whispered, trying to look into my eyes.
"I..." I wasn't sure if he would have cared. I had never told anyone about this. It was just something I silently struggled with. I debated telling him.
"You can trust me with anything. Please. I just want to know. I can tell something's wrong." I realized that I was having an existential crisis mixed with a small panic attack for no reason. I started breathing with an open mouth to slow my heart rate, but it just turned into hyperventilating. Oh god. Why can't I calm down? Joe sat up straighter, leaning his back on the headboard and pulling me into a hug. Holding me and whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
"I can't explain..." I could feel tears welling up. "I'm freaking out." Joe put his hand onto my head and pushed it further into his chest.
"Breathe baby, breathe." I tried to breathe, but it all came out as hyperventilating. "Slower, it's okay. I'm here. You're safe and you'll be okay." He kissed my forehead. Tears started falling from my eyes. My breathing started to slow down, and I could feel myself calming down.
"I'm sorry," I spoke, out of breath. I was out of it now. Just as quickly as it came, it went away. "They happen sometimes. I'm sorry. I don't know what set it off." I looked up at him. He was still holding me tightly. I did feel safe. No one had held me through one of those before. It felt good to have someone help me through it. He rubbed the tears away from my eyes as lightly as possible.
"It's okay. It happens sometimes. I just didn't know they happened to you. Now I know. Don't apologize, It's not your fault." He looked at my tear stained face with sorrowful eyes. I relaxed my head into his shoulder and closed my eyes. I was extremely tired all of a sudden.
"Thank you. Holding me helped." I was slowing my breathing down even more. Trying not to fall back into it again. Joe rested his cheek against my forehead.
"I'm here for you, always. Whenever you need it, because I know you are for me." I could feel him relaxing into me. The fact that we both felt so safe when we were vulnerable with each other meant a great deal to me. I had never felt this comfortable with someone since I met Gio.
"I'm tired, Joe," I whispered in a breathy tone. "Can we go to sleep?"
"Yes, babe," He leaned over and turned off the light. He scooched his way back down to a laying position and I rested my head on his chest once more. His heartbeat was slow and rhythmic. It was like a white noise machine that helped me sleep at night. His warmth and security made me feel safe and loved. I slowly fell asleep to the sound of his slow breathing and the vibration of his heartbeat.
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I woke up the next morning to an empty bed. Through my sleepy haze, I was confused why Joe wasn't in the bed next to me. I rolled over and grabbed my glasses off the bedside table, but my hand hit a piece of paper on top of my glasses. I grabbed both things and sat up in the bed. It was a handwritten note from Joe.
Jule,
My agent called me this morning and told me he wanted to see me immediately. Sorry. I should be back around noon. We'll start the perfect Valentine's Day then.
I laid the note back on the nightstand as I started to make the bed, thinking about what I could do for Joe. Something that would make him happy. I thought about it and decided that I could bake something for him. He was so surprised I knew how to cook simple things, he would be even more surprised when I made him something special.
I got dressed and grabbed my keys. I needed to go shopping for ingredients. While I was walking through the aisles of the grocery store, I was listening to music. Trying to find the next song to cover. But, I found myself only listening to Queen again. Their music pumped me up and made boring tasks more fun, like right now. I checked out and stuffed all of the bags into my car and started to drive back home. I was humming some of the songs I was listening to on the way.
I made my way inside my building with bags slung over my arms and trudged my way upstairs. I was going to make him chocolate chip cookies. Simple enough to make, and simple enough for everyone to love. I liked baking, but the amount of time some desserts took to make was too long. Cookies take just the right amount of time. I put on an apron and began mixing the ingredients together. I had put a movie on in the background to watch while I was baking. Nothing special, but it was just background noise.
The cookies were coming along nicely and I started rolling them into balls to be ready to put in the oven. I looked at the time. 11:02. It was the perfect amount of time to cook all of the cookies before noon. I started baking them, sitting down on the couch to watch the movie while each batch cooked.
In the commercials of the movie, they showed some words that told the viewer what movies would be coming on next. I read it and it said that the next movie was Simon Birch. I had never seen it and I remember friends telling me that it was a really good movie. Some said it was a tear-jerker, but still good nonetheless.
"I might watch that," I whisper to myself as the timer went off to take the first batch of cookies out of the oven. I placed the cookie sheet on the stove while I started scraping off each cookie one by one and placing them on a platter with hearts all over it. It was the only one I bought before leaving Chicago. Thankfully, it fit well with the holiday. I placed the next batch of cookies in the oven and sat down some more. This time, I wasn't paying as much attention to the movie. I was on my phone looking at Twitter and Instagram. I was trying to catch up on what my fans were saying about me and trying to find things I could improve on.
Some people were saying that my voice sucked, which was normal, and others were giving me ideas about what kind of content they wanted. Some said they wanted more Q&A Livestreams, others were saying they wanted more personal videos to really get to know me, and a couple people were saying that they wanted me to do more live shows in theaters. I hadn't done one since I left Chicago, but I didn't feel ready to do one yet. I had no band and I had no lineup of songs. It wasn't time to start those up again. As I was reading, I got a text from Joe.
Omw back now, see u soon :)
I texted back a smiley face and, a little bit later, heard the ding of the next batch. I repeated the process of taking them off the cookie sheet with a spatula. As I was doing this, my buzzer went off and I dropped what I was doing to buzz Joe in. Once I was sure he was in, I finished up and started placing the last batch of uncooked dough on the baking sheet. I heard a loud knock at the door.
Opening it, I see Joe standing there in a red shirt and black pants. He had a hoodie on and was holding something behind his back. He walked in and planted a kiss on me as to distract me from whatever he was hiding. He kept kissing me, moving his back farther from the door and away from me. I pushed him away with a chuckle.
"What are you hiding?" I cocked my head and raised my eyebrows. "I told you, nothing fancy." He just stared at me for a second.
"It isn't fancy," He shook his head as he slowly walked back over to me. Once he was close enough to kiss me again, he pulled his hand quickly away from his back to show a bouquet of a dozen roses. "Ta-da." I smiled and my mouth hung open, shocked to see that he had gotten me some flowers. I loved flowers, especially the way they smelled. I plunged my nose into them and took a deep breath in. My eyes were closed taking in every bit of the smell. I looked back up at Joe with a small smile on my face.
"Thank you, babe," I said. Happy that he stayed true to my wishes. We kissed as he put his arms around my waist and pulled me in closer. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders with the bouquet still in my hands. He tightened his grip even more and lifted me off the ground, spinning in circles. I tried to hold as much of my weight up by my arms on his shoulders as I could so I wouldn't be too heavy. He dropped me back down and we broke the kiss. "You seem to be in a really good mood, today," I said, moving back into the kitchen and putting my oven mitts back on.
"Why wouldn't I be? It's the holiday of love and I'm with the loveliest girl in the world," As he spoke, he quickly ran up behind me again and grabbed my waist. He started peppering kisses on my neck. I laughed.
"Hold on, I have to get these in." I put my hand on his, trying to tell him to let go. Once he did, I put the cookies in and turned toward him, putting my hands on his chest.
"They smell really good," he replied taking a big whiff of the air.
"You want some? I made them for you." I reached behind him and grabbed the platter that was on the edge of the counter. I brought it up to right under our faces and offered him some. We each grabbed one and bit into it. They were soft and chewy and had the perfect mix of sugar and chocolate. Joe made a face telling me that they were really good.
"I knew you could cook," I smiled at him as I heard the credits rolling on the movie I was watching. For some reason, the music under the credits was much louder than the actual movie. I looked over his shoulder to confirm that the credits were rolling. "What were you watching?"
"Some movie," I replied. We were moving into the living room now. Joe laid down on the couch and I sat in one of the other two chairs. "Nothing special, just something to have in the background. But, we can watch the next one together. Maybe we can even cuddle while we watch it."
"Nice. What movie?" He asked before taking another bite of his cookie.
"Simon Birch.I don't really know what it's about. I know a couple of my friends have told me to watch it. They said it was good and I would like it," I shrugged. "Might as well give it a shot." I looked over Joe whose eyes grew a lot wider while I was speaking. "What?" I asked with a chuckle. "Have you seen it? Is it any good?" He swallowed the rest of the cookie that was in his mouth and he sat up a bit more in his chair in one quick movement.
"Yeah, I hope it's good. I'm in it." He couldn't help but laugh through his words. My mouth hung open and my eyes got really wide.
"Are you fucking with me?" I asked quietly. I couldn't tell if this was a joke. If it wasn't, this was a very strange coincidence. He leaned forward until he was sitting and looking me dead in the eyes.
"I'm not fucking with you." He smiled. "Just wait till the opening credits if you don't believe me." He laid back down. "I'll still watch it with you. I want to see your reaction to it." I stood up. I knew the timer on the cookies would be going off in a few minutes and I wanted to be ready. Plus, I don't know if I could have kept still knowing this new information.
"Am I gonna cry?" Some people told me it was sad, but I always like to judge for myself. Since joe knew me really well, I could trust that he would know.
"Oh, yeah. Like a baby." He bit into his cookie again while giving me a shit-eating grin. He knew what was in store for me, but I didn't. "But, you'll like it. Hopefully, a lot."
"Well, I'll like it no matter what because you're in it. I just didn't expect to cry today." I heard the ding of the timer and I went to grab the last batch out of the oven. When I was in the kitchen, the opening credits of the movie began. Shots of a field accompanied the names of the actors and the narration of...Jim Carrey? "Is that Jim Carrey?" I asked, grabbing the platter of all the cookies and moved into the living room.
"Yeah," he answered. "He's a really nice guy, or at least he was when I met him." Joe adjusted himself to sit straight up on the couch. I placed the platter on the coffee table in front of us and sat sideways on the couch. My legs draped over Joe's lap and my back resting on the armrest. I liked sitting like this when we watched movies because Joe usually would fidget his hand on my thighs or knees unconsciously when watching the movie. I always thought it was really cute. Joe pointed at the screen. "See?" Right there, plain as day, was his name.
"Joseph Mazzello? Not Joe?" He shook his head.
"No. My parents liked Joseph better than Joe. I like Joe better." He shrugged. "They had the control 'til I was 18." He was staring at the screen. Captivated by a movie that he had probably seen many times at premieres.
"When did this movie come out?"
"'98. But we filmed it in '97," I laughed.
"So you're 14 in this?" I could tell the opening credits were ending soon, but I wanted to ask the question.
"Yeah, I was a baby." He scoffed. Soon, the first shot of the movie came up with Jim Carrey standing in a cemetery. Oh, no.I thought. Someone's gonna die. We watched in silence until Joe showed up on screen. He was running into a church and sat down in a seat in the back of a classroom. I clasped my hand over my mouth.
"Oh my god, look at you! You really were a baby." I looked at him and I pointed back and forth between him and little Joe on the screen. "I think I'm seeing double." I joked. He swatted my hand out of the air with a small chuckle. We scooted closer together until my head was on his chest and one arm was wrapped around his stomach. "You're adorable. I mean, you still are, but not in the same way. I just want to pinch your 14-year-old cheeks in this." I kept smiling and Joe watched me while I remarked on how young he looked. Eventually, I stopped and we watched the movie.
It was funnier than I expected. I was laughing at all of the jokes and even now and then gushing about how cute Joe was. Thankfully, he found it all pretty funny. As the movie went on, it was getting darker and darker. Joe's character's (whose name is actually Joe in the movie) mother dies, Simon Birch's parents don't care about him, and Joe's grandmother prepares Joe for her eventual death. But, I still really liked it. Near the end of the movie, Simon performs a heroic act and saves a bunch of children from a runaway bus that was slowly sinking into a lake. All of the kids make it out, but Simon becomes very sick.
I could feel the emotions as we saw Simon in a hospital bed. Joe and Simon talk for one final time while Joe tells Simon that he was the best friend he could ever have. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Not again. He's going to see me cry two days in a row. I hope he doesn't think I'm always a blubbering mess. I think to myself. Simon dies and Joe hugs the body, crying over him. The tears start falling from my face. If this is it, then I'm okay. I'm not crying that much. I didn't know what was about to happen.
About six months later in the movie, Joe goes to jump in the lake that he and Simon swam in all the time. He was going through the motions of running through the woods to get to the lake and the camera would pan over to where Simon would usually be, but there was nothing there. Joe eventually jumped into the lake and got up on a dock, watching a deer that was nearby. The narrator tells us that Joe's grandmother and her friend had passed away suddenly and that the man who had been dating Joe's mother before she died ended up adopting him one day before his 13thbirthday. I started crying harder. The character who adopted Joe was one of my favorites and it made me happy to hear this.
We then cut to Jim Carrey in present day looking over Simon's grave. He leans down and traces the letters of the grave and says a prayer the same way Simon had on Joe's mother's grave. Jim's movie son calls out to him and we find out his son's name is Simon. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I started crying like a little baby. Sniffling and sobbing with hitching and shaky breath. The movie ended and I shoved my tear soaked face into Joe's chest. I grabbed onto his side with one hand and snaked the other hand around to his back. I started sobbing into his shirt.
"I told you, you would cry like a baby," I realized his voice was slightly shaking. Once, I had caught my breath, I looked up at him. Tears were in his eyes as well and a couple had fallen onto his cheeks. I raised a hand up and I brushed a tear away.
"You have no excuse. I know you've seen it before. I haven't." I tried to say through my shaky voice. Joe broke down, crying even more and putting his head down. I adjusted myself to sit up more and I grabbed his head and pulled it to my chest until we were lying on the couch together. Both crying and trying to calm ourselves down. I wiped the tears away from my face and took a couple of deep breaths while I shushed Joe and assured him that he was safe and okay.
The tears kept flowing from his eyes while he was softly sobbing into my chest. I held him for a while. We both were a mess, but I knew there was something more than the movie that was making this happen to him. I kissed his hair and left my face on his head so he could feel my breath and know how close I was to him. After about 5 minutes, he pulled his head up and looked at me, his eyes were red and puffy, full of tears.
"I'm sorry. I didn't expect to react like this. It's just that movie..." He looked down and took a deep breath. "It reminded me of my dad." I pulled him in closer and just held him as his arms snaked around me to hold me back. "I'll be better in a few minutes." We laid there in silence. In understanding silence. Neither of us thought this was out of the ordinary because we just wanted to be there for each other. I started to rub my thumb across his hair as a way to soothe him. I kept whispering sweet nothings to him, hoping that they would help him calm down.
"Everything's going to be fine," I whispered into his hair. "I'm here and you're safe. Everything is going to be okay because I'm not going anywhere." There was a small pause. "I love you." I kissed the top of his head. He looked up at me. His eyes weren't as red anymore and it made me happy to see he had calmed down some.
"What?" he whispered. He sounded so shocked and I felt like I had done something wrong. I swallowed and took a breath.
"I love you." I didn't know what was going to happen next. I didn't know if he would walk out or kiss me. Just then, his face softened and I saw his eyes fill with tears once more. But this time, he had a smiled on his face.
"I love you too." He was smiling wide and he threw his arms around me and hugged me so tightly I could barely breathe. "I'm so happy." He sighed over my shoulder as I let out a giggle. We were happier now and our mods had changed on a dime. "I wanted to say it to you yesterday in bed, but I wasn't sure. I don't know why because..." He got off of me and kneeled down next to the couch, holding my arms. "I love you so much. Like so much it makes my heart hurt and I've wanted to say it to you for forever, but I never knew when. Now, I'm kinda bummed you said it before me." I sat up in the seat and he sat down next to me. We hugged again. "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you," He kept repeating it over and over while showering me with kisses. All I could do was feel my face flush with happiness and redness. He grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me out of the hug. "Say it again."
"I love you," I smiled through my words.
"Again."
"I love you," He hugged me. It was like the words finally meant something to me. I was feeling real love and happiness. And so was he.
"It's not great that this started with both of us sobbing..." He broke the hug once more and stared at me dead in the eyes. "But it's the best end result I've ever seen." We kissed passionately for a couple minutes. Eventually, we stopped and I asked if he wanted to watch another movie. "Yes, as long as it's a comedy. I don't think I could handle another drama." He said while wiping the last few tears away from his face. I chuckled and picked one out. We sat on the couch with his hand around my shoulders and me cuddled into his side. I loved this man and he loved me. And now, we both knew it.
(Longest chapter I've written so far, but I've had this idea for a while. Hope you guys liked it!)