"Leave, Now.... before I break your heart!" .... I tell her after she's just told me she can't live without me!
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And she hears me and grants me my wish.... "I'm leaving... you don't have to see my face again!"
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What just happened? Sanem lied to me about being engaged, came to my house to steal a file.... and Emre tells me she sold me out for 40k? Really, my Sanem?!
I am blindsided, humiliated, devastated, angry as hell, going ape-shit crazy and losing self-control.... she lied and toyed with me the WHOLE time we were together! I feel like I'm drowning in the ocean, treading choppy waters, with no life raft and no rescue in sight!
THIS explains why she was running away..... there were warnings all over with yellow and red flags.... and I ignored them all!
Forget her, I'm MAD at myself.... for putting myself out there, trusting someone, making myself vulnerable and being made an idiot of.....! Worst of all, she took my heart in her hands and cavorted with it... but I did give it away willingly!
This is not real.... it can't be her, can it? But she didn't deny it.... and owned up to all of it!
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Good, she looks as sad and devastated as I feel on the inside..... so that's that! She wants to talk to me, now..... its a bit too late for that, no?! I have no interest in hearing her words..... they're nebulous and dubious to me!
I've asked her not to address me so informally anymore.... and Deren's picking up on the tension between us. She's being extra mean to her.... and Sanem seems to think she deserves it!
Well, the klutz part is real.... she was almost hit by a car today! I am glad, glad, really glad... that I was there to save her!
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What the HELL is this new CRAP? What about her perfume? Did she really sell her perfume, my perfume, that was supposed to me mine... forever?! Now she's just about the money? IS she now with Fabri? I can't bear this..... my head is exploding and every cell in body is asking me to run, far far far away from her!
But I'm riveted in place..... ! I also gave dad my word and its now turning into a glutton for punishment!
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What is this in the kitchen? She's left me a copy of Cemal Süreya's "Love Lyrics" (Sevda Sözleri) to read. A new voodoo, perhaps? Love, it's all such a maya.... or is it just to and for me?! God, my mom and now Sanem have played Russian roulette with my heart! Am I about to live my love with sorrow, passion and loneliness?
But I can't put down that book.... is she that innocent? She can't be, can she?
She did say she loved me more that she loved herself..... now which of that is a lie? I look at her.... and I see the liar & deceiver.... but I hate to admit it, I also see my Sanem!
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What's this new deal? I hear Ceycey apologizing for misinforming her about who threw the surprise birthday party. Is it possible that she was duped? She told me so herself..... right before she decided to leave me for good!
That expression I'll never forget...... she's hurt, prideful and resolute!
I have to have words with Fabri.... and voila, he's here to finalize the partnership agreement. I tell him off.... that what he did with Sanem is coercion, unprofessional and actual harassment. As we finish the conversation, in walks Sanem with the dress box.
Boy..... does she rip Fabri a new one or what? Exact words as me "coercion" and I can't help but feel pride at her self-respect and standing up for herself! I linger to hear the full conversation.... and she draws a clear line between not getting personal and remaining professional while working with her! Oh well, I never got that lesson from her!
I can't help my face-splitting grin..... I do know her and she's not for sale, at least not to Fabri.
A few minutes later....she's knocking on my door. She hands in her resignation and when I challenge her as to why, really why, she rips me a new one too!! She says she doesn't want to work with someone who doesn't listen to her and value her opinion.... and someone who doesn't try to understand her viewpoint, empathize or hear her side of things!
I'm stunned at her stubbornness, her resolve, her directness and her hurt that I wasn't there for her! Why do I feel like I did something wrong here and not the other way around?
Then Leila enlightens me to the Emre and Aylin's partnership situation..... and my world collapses in front of me!!
Emre, EMRE, Emre is the instigator of all this mess.... and he's used Sanem to cover his tracks!!
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I am mortified, ashamed, embarrassed and horrified by my actions! Once again... I'm humiliated, devastated and angry as hell at myself!?!?!
Who have I become? This person blinded by anger that I couldn't see past the truth in front of me, someone who accuses without learning about the whole situation! If that is NOT me..... and who was I with Sanem? Boy, you fucked up.... BIG time.... and blamed the victim for the crime!!
I drive over to the rocks by the bay hoping to get some clarity... and like pouring salt on the wound, she's there crying her heart out to the sea!
There she is.... a short distance away physically but I created a huge metaphoric distance between us! Should I walk over? What do I say to her? I've been an idiot.... I'll listen to you now?!! What if she doesn't want anything to do with me? I behaved so badly.... that I wouldn't want anything to do with me, let alone her! You need to leave now...screamed a voice inside my head.... and this time I listen to it!
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That evening and night is the most restless I've felt... ever! I keep saying that.... but with Sanem I reach new levels of restlessness!
I have been a super massive asshole to her!! I've yelled at her, belittled her, berated her, treated her unfairly, exposed her to malice and caprice.... and she wanted to tell her version of the story.... and I wouldn't give her the light of day!
GOD.... I called her a liar, cheat, fraud and opportunist!
I fell in love with this girl for her angelic innocence and pure heart.... and turns out she's far superior a creature than I deemed to know!
In her naiveté and lack of world knowledge, she trusted the wrong people. Specifically she had no reason to distrust Emre, the person her sister works for, never mind his nefarious reasons to screw me over! Why? We have long history of sibling rivalry and all of the fuck-ups of our parents and their divisiveness.
Sanem couldn't tell me the truth, I think, partly because she knew I wouldn't trust her over Emre.... and rightly so. In fact, I'm beginning to reckon, as someone she loves dearly, she was trying to protect my feelings that my brother was betraying me.... and hurting herself in the process!
She then got caught up in the web of lies.... and couldn't get out if it, until it unraveled! When it did unravel, she seemed to have taken on all of the blame on herself !
She's the baby in her family and I'm sure she's been coddled by her parents, sister and friends! If at all she is to be blamed, it is her belief that everyone is good natured, being unable to face the conflict and explain her truth in a timely manner.
The lack of guile that I found most endearing in her, others like Emre and Fabri have taken advantage of and manipulated to their cause..... it happens when she's so sweet, trusting and beautiful!
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But I'm worldly and wise.... what of my manners? I've been blinded and was willful in hurting her. Now the tables have been turned on me..... it's not her that left me, it's me that pushed and chased her away! I suspect no self-respecting woman will want to be with me after this, I have to live with myself for what I did to her!
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But wait a minute : why did she think I was the evil king in the first place? She fell in love with me despite what she thought of me? So, she fell in love with me despite distrusting me? That will always leave us in an uneven keel in the relationship !
She did say that we aren't a fit for each other right after she said she loved me..... is it possible that she's right?! Is it possible that she may settle for me and regret being with me later? I broke her trust after telling her so sincerely that I'll listen to her. I treated her so awful after telling that I don't care about her past.... and that I'll never leave her!
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I have to man-up.... more so than I ever did before in my life! I need to right a wrong that I did to her... get her back to the agency, and to me?!? I'll have to apologize to her for my bad behavior.... and hope she forgives me!
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She's back to work and we're stuck in a broken down elevator for hours. We have nothing but time and space to talk.... or to fight our little hearts out!
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I tell her : "I'm sorry, I have to apologize for my behavior"!
She asks me : "Why are you apologizing?" --- That girl, that's my Sanem!
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Knowing her, she'll make me her lifelong project if I let her, fall on the sword for me..... so I play defense and tell her that I can't trust her - what I really mean is that she can't trust me with her heart! The brute savage I am is never far behind... and she deserves someone kind, loving and loyal... someone better than me! We've reached a truce... we'll be friends, for life!
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I'm going to crush and obliterate each and every one that tries to use her.... or get close to her. be it Sinan or that cucumber Fabri.... why? She needs me... as her special friend!
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Oh well... I spontaneously combust at the sight of her.... what was I thinking again? Friends, for life?!! NOT a fucking chance in the world..... I want her, all of her, to be all mine!
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I can be mad at her, nobody else.
I can tease her to death, nobody else.
I can laugh at her quirks, nobody else.
I can protect her, nobody else.
I can take her around the world, nobody else.
I can smell her essence, nobody else.
I can kiss her, nobody else.
I can hold her dearly, nobody else.
I can tell her she's beautiful, nobody else.
I can bare my soul with her, nobody else.
I can ask her to me mine, NoFuckingBody else!
Author's Note: This is the story I've been writing for almost a month.... still can't get it totally right, I think! Can's self-loathing at the end was the toughest... when he feels he doesn't deserve her love. I cried heavily every time I attempted to write it! I'm not into breakups, it feels like death to me and I didn't want to relive it!
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As always, I appreciate all feedback and thanks for reading to till here!