January 15,
Shrouded by a thick canopy of darkness, something grabbed my leg and I shot upright, banging my head on the ceiling. Groaning, I rubbed the aching spot and looked down at my feet where a black face watched me, but I could make out the whites of her eyes. She whispered, 'I need to talk to you.'
'Can't it wait till morning?'
'No.'
Observing the serious nature of her tone, I decided to oblige her at God knows what hour. I was blinking tired and the pulsations that preceded a jarring headache started- the ache followed. I winced and scurried over to the ladder, staying low to avoid the cursed roof. I climbed down the rungs and stayed light on my feet to avoid waking her sisters as I blindly navigated the place. My hand gripped the edge of the door, and I stabbed my hand through the empty space between it and the door jam. Stepping into the narrow hall, I pulled the door closed and there was a momentary spell of darkness before she turned on the light.
Under the watch of the dimmed bulbs, she led me into the kitchen where two cups of hot chocolate waited on the counter. She edged one towards me and I cautiously walked towards it. My thoughts were ablaze. Fear started in the tips of my toes, then a tingling, wary sensation raced up the length of my legs.
Was she kicking me out?
Whipped cream in the shape of a heart settled on top of the brown mixture. I glanced at Dana, the silk headwrap around her head and the wells under her usually bright eyes. She was as tired as me. Her face wore sleep in its contours, causing the edges of her eyes to droop. She said, 'Drink.'
We sipped on the delicious chocolate without conversation. My mind continued to produce worst-case scenarios.
They no longer needed my continuous presence.
I might have overstayed my welcome. This was what I was afraid of. This was why I didn't want to come here.
'Val,' she started slowly, her lips hesitant as she struggled to choose the right words. 'My mom tells me you've been giving her money. Where'd you get it from?' Suspicion crossed her features.
I said, 'Street music.'
'We're in the dead of winter,' she said. 'You don't have to do that- you could get sick, and it's not that safe around here, someone could attack you.'
'I want to. And I don't perform here, I travel to the upper-class areas.'
'You could still get in trouble with the law,' Dana said, she paused then added, 'I don't want your money, Val. You don't have to do this anymore.'
'I don't see why it's a big deal. I want to help out. I'm eating your food, using your water and electricity.'
Dana pressed a hand over her eyes then lowered it. Her hunched posture made it seem like she was balancing the earth on her head. She said, 'You are basically family. The bills are not your concern. You helping to take care of Matt is more than enough. I don't need anything else from you, Val.'
I took another sip, and the warmth soothed my belly. I told her, 'It's not good enough for me. I know you guys aren't well off-'
'You're saying I'm some poor person that needs your pity?' she asked, crossing her arms over chest. 'My house might not be as big and fancy as yours. We may not have the latest gadgets. We share one car. We don't have our own rooms, but we're content where we're at.' She raised her hand, shaking her head vehemently. 'I swear to God, Val. The last thing I want to hear is that you're doing this for our sake. We don't need your help, okay? We are fine where we are at. If anything, I'll work hard to become someone that can provide a better life for my family- me, not you. I don't want a penny from you.'
I opened my mouth, closed it and looked down at the cup. I whispered, 'Helping you makes me feel like I'm giving back as much I am receiving. I don't want to take and take. It doesn't feel right. I want to contribute as well. I don't want to be some burden that you eventually get tired of and start to grudge having around. I don't won't you to get tired of me and kick me out.' My eyes began to tear up, but I willed them to stop because I was freaking tired of crying. I was tired of feeling like the world would be better off without me.
'Val...' Dana walked around the counter and hugged me. 'I understand where you are coming from, I do. I know you're hurting, but I want you to respect my family and our ability to provide for ourselves. If you want to help, keep looking after Matt, because that gives me the ability to get other things done. We don't need your money, alright?'
I let her hug me though I stood stiff as a stone statue. 'Having me here...' I swallowed. 'Isn't it hard on you guys? Be honest.'
She said, 'It's fine. It used to be five of us when my older sister lived here, before she was married and now it's five again. We got by then, we'll get by now.' Dana bent my head down and kissed my forehead. Her hand rubbed circles on my back. I knew her intention, but it felt lacking. It wasn't my mother's hand. And my mom's absence hit me suddenly. It slapped into my stomach full force.
I hate crying. Honestly. But I've been doing a lot of that lately and I want it all to end. 'I miss them,' I admitted.
She said, 'Your parents?'
'And Juliana.'
'Do you want to go back?' she asked.
'I do. I miss them so much. I love them, you know?'
She said, 'I know. I can go with you later in the day. There's something I need to tell your dad.' She gave me a strong squeeze. 'Are you sure this is what you want to do?'
'I want to go home,' I told her, setting my jaw firmly. I wanted to return to my own family.
Dana said, 'Alright, I won't let you face them alone.'
'Thank you.'
'We are going miss you,' she said.
'I'll visit,' I promised.
And so, I began to get things in order to return home, including strengthening my mind to face the inevitable arguments.
Two things came from this experience. The first being that I now knew that the God I serve is a loving God who accepts all forms of love. He accepts everyone and all their flaws. Our love doesn't cause anyone pain asides from those who are steadfast against homosexuals. But Jesus says, 'Judge not, or you too will be judged'. I will not judge anyone but leave each to their own path of goodness. And you, my love shall partake this journey with me if you so desire.
The second thing I learned was that I love you, Naomi. You have supported me through all my trials. You have been my companion for as long as I remember. You keep me sane and I don't want to carry on living as if we're simply friends. We are much more than that. Your existence is something that's far more vital to my being than any material good. Every breath I take is the same as yours. Everything we feel, everything that makes us laugh, even our differences helps us come together as one. As dramatic as this sounds, I'm not myself without you. The next time I see my father- in a couple of hours- I won't abandon my love for you, or my desire to be a part of my family. If they love me, they'll try to understand at the very least.
I'll see you soon.
Love,
Val