Portland, Oregon
January 30, 1989
It was a few weeks later and Soundgarden had gotten a gig at The Rainbow Tavern in California. I was so freaking happy for them since they had gotten a major label deal with A&M records and they finished recording their first major label debut for A&M a few weeks ago. They had started a little mini tour, up and down the west coast to test out the new material, then eventually Chris told me that they would be possible expanding their tour schedule, depending how successful the record does. I honestly think it's going to be amazing! Chris had played me a few rough cuts of the album, sort of like an early release, though the album wasn't due to be out until the fall. Soundgarden was still sort of under contract to fulfill their obligation to SST records so they were touring and promoting Ultramega OK still until the contract runs out in July, though they still featured some newer tracks off the album for A&M called Louder Than Love.
Chris had asked me to come out to California with him as he didn't want to be away from me for so long. I thought it was the sweetest thing and I was lucky enough to be able to book off some time from work to travel with him. I had never taken any vacation since I started at the clothing store and my boss was really accommodating to let me have some time off. They didn't have a budget yet for a tour bus so all they had were 2 Large carry Vans, one to haul all of their gear and one for the band. I had no idea how I was going to travel with them but I hope the band will be fine with me going.
I had just finished packing what I would need. I try to pack lightly, cause I hate carrying things around with me. I carried my suitcase to the door and then went back into my bedroom to finish getting dressed to go. Chris was picking me up in a little bit so we could get a head start on the road.
I decided to leave my hair down and curly, I threw on my Aerosmith T-Shirt that I had finally cut to style it, just like my Dead Kennedy's T-Shirt, the one Chris wrote on the inside of. I'm so glad his message never washed out. Then I threw on a pair of ripped skinny jeans, my silver studded belt, my silver studded wrist cuff and my Doc Marten's.
I finished styling my hair as best I could, I really hate curly hair on me, it never sits right which is why I just put it up in a bun, and then I head out to the living room. I make sure everything is turned off so that when Chris gets here, I can just head out the door with him. I grab my jacket with all my band patches on it, and set it on my suitcase. Suddenly there was a knock at my door. Without looking through the peephole I just open the door and see Chris as he flips his hair out of his face.
"Hi babe," He says so sweetly.
"Hi," I smile at him as he steps towards me and presses his lips immediately to mine. I move my hands up to either side of his face as his lips move with mine. We hadn't seen each other in a couple of days so I was really excited to see him. He attempted to pull away from me but I wouldn't let him and he giggled against my lips as I held him to me. He smelled so fucking good, the mixture of his leather jacket and his cologne just drove me crazy. I started to suck his bottom lip as he pulled me into him and his tongue flicked at my top lip. Fuck I want him so bad right now. He then pulls away from me and I touch my lips where he kissed me.
"Well that... was... um... Hi," He says as he tries to come back down to earth.
"Sorry... you just smell so good and... um... Hi," I say slightly dazed and he laughs a little. He moves towards me again and places a kiss on my forehead.
"You ready?" He asks with his lips against my forehead.
"Yep... I'm good to go," I say and he moves over to my suitcase.
"Ok... I'll just stick this in the van..." He says as he lifts up my suitcase and I take my jacket off it. He turns and walks down the steps and sets my suitcase in the van, I grab my bag and check and my jacket and walk out and lock the door behind me. As I walk down the steps, I see Chris walk around to the passenger side and he opens the door for me. I set my bag and my jacket in first and climb in and he closes the door for me. He looked so cute in his Saint Vitus band T-Shirt with his ripped jeans and Doc Martens and well of course his leather jacket. He flips his hair out of his face and walks around to the driver side and hops in.
"Ok... so I need a coffee, how bout you?" He asks as he starts up the van.
"Um... yea sure," I say as I adjust my seatbelt. He reaches across me into the glovebox and pulls out a pack of smokes. He takes one out and tosses the pack back in the glovebox and lights it up. He rolls down his window so he doesn't smoke me out. He squints his eyes a little as he takes a drag of his smoke and then we start to pull away from the curb.
"Is it just me you're picking up...?" I ask.
"Yea... Matt is driving the other van with Hiro and Kim. They have all the gear in the back of that one since that van is bigger," He says and puffs his smoke.
"Where are we headed to?" I ask.
"Well... coffee first, then heading to Portland, we have a small gig tonight at a place called The Know and we're just staying at a hotel just around the corner from there..." He says.
"Oh... ok..." I say a little uneasy.
"What?" He says and glances at me.
"Oh nothing... I just hope I brought enough clothes with me..." I say as I look behind me into the back of the van.
"Oh... don't worry babe... if you run out we can go to a laundry mat or... get you some more... no biggie," He says as we pull up to a stop light.
"Can you tell I've never done this before?" I laugh a little.
"It's ok," He laughs a little with me. He takes another drag of his smoke and reaches his other hand over to me and laces his fingers through mine. I lean towards him a little and kiss the back of his hand. He glances at me and smiles.
"I love you," He says.
"I love you," I say and kiss his hand again, then let go so that he can drive. We drive for a bit in silence and then I remember I brought a few cassettes with me in my bag.
"Do you care if I put on some tunes?" I ask as I reach down in my bag.
"No, go ahead... I was wondering why it was so quiet... fuck," He laughs and I laugh as well.
I pull out a cassette and push it into the tape deck in front of me. After a bit of silence at the start of the tape, the first song begins. I wait as the first track starts and Chris gives a questionable look at the stereo. He looks at me and then back at the road and takes the last drag of his smoke.
"What is this?" He asks as he butts the smoke out into the ashtray.
"Unsuccessfully Coping with the Natural Beauty of Infidelity," I look at him and smirk.
"What?" He laughs at me, as the track continues to play.
"Well actually it's Anorganic Transmutogenesis... the first part anyways," I smirk.
"What are you talking about?" Chris laughs.
"Type O Negative," I say. He still looks at me confused as we come up to a stop light.
"Let me see," He says as he gestures for me to hand him the case. He looks at it and I smile at him. After he looks it over, he looks at me and hands it back.
"You know... I thought I was into some obscure music... but I swear you are like an encyclopedia or something of underground music... or something..." He says and I giggle.
"Well they aren't that obscure, it's Peter Steele's band after Carnivore," I say.
"See... ? Carnivore?" He laughs and I giggle.
"Ok for someone who's into hardcore like Black Flag... I'm surprised you never heard of Carnivore," I say.
"Well maybe I have... but... fuck... you know... I've never known a girl who was into this type of stuff... and especially stuff even I've never heard before like... Behemoth and Mayhem and... Immortal...." He says as the light turns green.
"Maybe that's because... you were with all the wrong girls..." I joke.
"I was..." He says and I look at him.
"My first girlfriend was fucking crazy... she hated the fact that all I wanted to do was play in a band, which didn't make sense cause that's how I met her... There was this one time... I don't even know how it started... she came over, this was when I still lived at home...we were fighting and we were in my kitchen and I don't know what set her off but she stabbed me right in my hand with a kitchen knife..." He says as he looks at the road.
"What?" I say shocked.
"Yea... fucking all out stabbed me... I think I was like 15 when that happened...That's where that scar came from..." He says as he shows me the back of his right hand.
"Oh my god..." I say as I brush my fingers across the back of his hand.
"Did you tell anyone?" I look at him.
"Fuck no," He says as he looks at the road.
"I got her to leave and I just wrapped up my hand myself and let it heal... I broke up with her after that... well I just avoided her all together... she eventually got the point" He says.
"Your mom didn't notice?" I ask.
"Nope... either I was really good at hiding it or she was too busy with my younger sisters to care...I tend to think it was the latter..." He says. I suddenly felt sad for him. How could a parent not know or care that something is wrong with their child?
"I'm sorry..." I say quietly.
"It's ok... that was like 10 years ago... I'm over it now," He laughs a little to lighten the mood.
We made a quick stop for coffee on the way out of town and continued on to Portland which was about a 2 hour drive from Seattle. We eventually find our way to The Know, I am particularly good with a map, and check in at the hotel that was just around the corner. As we check in at the front desk, the receptionist lets us know that Kim and Matt arrived just a few minutes before us and for Chris and I to meet in the dinning area once we drop our luggage off. We head upstairs to the room, drop our stuff off and then we head downstairs to the dinning room area. Chris takes my hand and we walk into the dinning area and see Kim and Matt sitting in one if the booth tables but Hiro is nowhere to be seen.
"Hey," Chris says as we walk up to them.
"Hey Chris," Kim says and Matt smiles.
"Hi Andi," Kim smiles at me.
"Hi," I smile back.
"Where's Hiro?" Chris asks concerned.
"Uh well he decided to travel here on his own... he was supposed to meet us here about a half hour ago," Matt explained.
"What... the fuck?," Chris says quietly but slightly stressed. He looks around the dinning room and back towards the entrance.
"Chris, have a drink, he'll be here," Kim says.
"Uh... yea... um, I'll be back in a minute," Chris says and gives me a quick kiss on my temple and heads off towards the the bar.
I stand there a bit confused and Kim smiles at me. I think he could tell I felt a little awkward.
"Have a seat,"Kim says and I sit down across from him.
"Is it ok that I'm here?" I ask as I adjust myself.
"Fuck, of course," Kim says.
"Yea It's cool... don't worry," Matt chimes in.
"Chris just... well... he'll be fine... he just wants everything to go smoothly," Kim says and I nod. Chris comes back with a Jack and Coke for me and a beer for him and sits down beside me.
"So... I guess we'll just go over the setlist for tonight... and just fill Hiro in when he gets here?" Kim says.
"Uh...yea sure," Chris says as he takes a sip of his beer. Matt pulls out a paper with a marker as the discuss what they want to play and how the flow will go.
"We have sound check in a little bit don't we?" Chris asks.
"Yea in about an hour I think," Kim says as Matt passes him the paper with the set list.
"Fuck, he better show up soon," Chris says as he shakes his leg and takes a sip of his beer. I reach over and give him a gentle back rub to help him calm down a little. Kim downs the last of his beer and gets up to go to the bar to get another and Matt heads off to the washroom leaving Chris and I at the table.
"You ok?" I ask.
"Yea... yea I'm fine... it's just... he's been doing this a lot lately... either being really late or not showing up for soundcheck at all," Chris says as he takes a sip of his beer.
"Have you talked to him about it?" I ask.
"I've been trying to but he's never around when we all get in a room together to talk," Chris says as Kim and Matt return. We all sit and converse for a bit while we wait for Hiro but he never showed up. After a bit they decide they need to get ready for soundcheck so we all head over to the venue across the street.
We walk in the venue from the back way in and head directly backstage for Matt, Kim, and Chris to set up. The was a huge sort of dressing room where I was able to wait for Chris as they set up. I still felt awkward like I was in the way or something but I sat down on one of the couches in the dressing room while I wait. A few moments later Chris comes back in the room.
"Hey, come on out with me... you don't have to hide in here," He smiles at me. I smile at him and walk over to him.
"I know.. I just... I don't want to get in the way..." I say apprehensively.
"Baby... you're not in the way...Come on... come hang out..." He says as he places a kiss on my forehead, takes my hand, and leads me out to the stage area. I stand towards the back of the stage while Chris and everyone just jam and make sure everything is working alright. It was actually pretty cool to see from this side of the stage.
A bit later, Hiro finally shows up and walks up on stage for the end of soundcheck. Chris gives Hiro a look that wasn't exactly a happy look as He strapped his bass on. They continued for a little bit longer with the soundcheck and then decided to break for dinner. Kim and Matt wanted to grab some food at a different place while Chris wanted to take me out somewhere else so we decided and just a restaurant just down the street. As we eat, Chris is particularly quiet which is normal but he's not usually this quiet. I try to talk to him to lighten the mood but I can tell he's upset about Hiro being late and not really apologizing for it. Anyways, after we eat we head back over to the venue and hang out for a little bit at the bar before their performance. Eventually Chris starts to lighten up with me a little as I try to make him laugh being my silly self. He just gives me a weird look and then smirks at me and eventually he starts laughing along with me. I like him better when he's happy and I'm glad I'm able to do that.
It was then time for them to go up on stage as The Know filled up with more people. I head backstage with Chris and watch their performance from the side stage. Hiro was late again which really pissed off Chris, Kim was also a little annoyed but not as mad as Chris, but they play through their set flawlessly. They finish their set and head backstage as Chris runs up to me and presses his lips to mine. He was now shirtless with just his ripped jeans and sweatier than anything. God I want him. He pulls away from me and takes my hand as he grabs a towel to dab the sweat off of himself. I follow him back to the dressing room and he grabs me a drink from the little mini bar fridge, hands it to me and gives me another quick kiss on my lips as the rest of the guys pile into the room.
"Fuck... that was awesome!" Kim says as Matt and Hiro follow in behind him. Chris turns away from me and walks over to the couches and sets his beer down on the coffee table.
"So... what happened?" Chris asks Hiro, his tone is not impressed.
"What do you mean?" Hiro asks.
"What the fuck happened?" Chris asks a little more angrily.
"Chris... what are talking about?" Hiro asks defensively.
"Where the hell were you tonight?" Chris says, still in an angry tone. I stood near the door as they start to argue. Kim and Matt just stay silent.
"Nowhere... I got here didn't I? Yea I was late but fuck man... at least I still showed up," Hiro takes a sip of his beer.
"You've been doing this a lot lately... even with the record... I mean... a lot of that shit fell on me... It's like you're pulling away man... what the fuck is it?" Chris asks frustratedly.
"Ok fuck I guess we'll do this here... I don't want to do this anymore. I thought this was just a band for something to do man... I hate touring around, living out of a suitcase for 8 or 9 months out of the year. I hate the fact you have to take your shirt off in every single fucking performance. This wasn't what it's was supposed to be about man... I hate being away from my girlfriend... I want to go back to school...I just... I'm done man... I'm done," Hiro confessed.
The look on Chris's face said it all. He looked extremely heartbroken. Chris knew he couldn't force anyone to do this, you have to want it. Chris flipped his hair out of his face, took a huge drink of his beer, practically downing the whole thing, slammed it down on the coffee table and stormed passed me out of the room.
"Are you serious man?" Kim asks.
"Yea man... I'm serious... I'm done," Hiro says and grabs his jacket from the chair.
"Wait... are you leaving now?" Matt asks.
"Yea... yea I'm leaving," Hiro says. Kim and Matt just look at each other and Hiro walks passed me giving me a blank look and then walks out the door. After a few minutes I down my drink and I walk out the door and down the hall in the direction Chris went but I don't see him anywhere. I walk out the back door into the cool night air and still don't see him anywhere. As I look around the parking lot, I finally see him sitting in the van, still shirtless, with music blasting but muffled as the windows were rolled up. As I walk closer to the van, I hear Type O Negative coming through a little more clearly as Chris sits in the drivers side looking down. He puffs a smoke and glances up for a second to see me walking towards him and gives me a half smile, then rolls down the window and turns the music down a bit.
"Hi,"I say cutely.
"Hi baby," He says sweetly when I come up to the drivers side door.
"You ok?" I ask quietly. He takes another drag of his smoke, exhales away from me and looks out the windshield.
"Yea... no... I don't know," He says and looks down. I look at him and didn't know if I should tell him that Hiro left. I decide to anyway.
"Hiro... walked out," I say quietly as I look down and play with the door handle. He looks at me.
"What?" Chris asks flatly. I look up at him and he turns away and looks out the windshield again. Then in a burst of anger, he kicks the van door and punches the steering wheel, making me flinch.
"Fuck me! Fuck!" He exclaims. This was the first time I've ever seen him angry and I don't know if I like it.
"What the fuck are we going to do now?" He says and takes a puff of his smoke to try to calm down. I didn't know what to say as he butts out his smoke and then rubs his forehead to try to think of something.
"I don't know Chris..." I say as I look at him. After a few minutes, he looks at me and I can see him trying to half smile. I grin at him back.
"I love you," I say quietly. I still didn't know what to say. This is a shitty situation.
"I love you," He says to me and exhales loudly.
"Do you wanna head back to the hotel?" He asks.
"Sure," I say. He opens the van door and I move as he steps out.
"I'm just gonna say goodbye to Kim and Matt, if you wanted to hop in the van, I feel like I should apologize to them for walking out like that...and I left guitar in there," He says as he laughs a little
"Ok..." I say and laugh a little with him. He leans into me and places a kiss on my lips and I happily respond to him. He pulls away from me and touches his forehead to mine for a moment, then walks back towards the back entrance as I head around to the passenger side of the van and climb in. A little bit later, Chris walks out of the building, this time with his Saint Vitus band shirt on and his leather jacket. He flips his hair out of his face which I swear, makes me melt every time he does that, and hops in the drivers side and sets his guitar in the back.
"How'd it go?" I ask as he closes the door.
"They're ok... were all kind of upset about Hiro... I really didn't want him to leave like that... I wish he would've told me or said something to either of us about how he was feeling instead of just pulling away like that. I mean... This is what I always wanted to do... I always wanted to make music no matter what it took... I mean I don't care about fame at all I just wanted to do what I love... and I love making music... as stressful as it can be, it's the only thing I know I'm good at, that I can't see myself doing anything else. I worked in the worst places just to buy guitar strings so I could play. I remember working in a restaurant in the kitchen, so hot you want to die just so I could buy my first guitar... I just can't imagine doing anything else, and man the reactions that I get from the audience... when we get them really going... That shit is amazing... it's like one big energy ball full of anger, lust, love, hate, just all in one room," He says as he looks down at himself then out the windshield.
This is why I love him. He so amazing, I've never met anyone like him before. I reach over and brush his hair behind his ear revealing his small silver hoop earring.
"I just don't know what we're gonna do now... we have a gig at The Cattle Club tomorrow and now we have no bass player... we have a couple of interviews to but Kim and I usually can handle that no problem..." He says as he looks down again.
"I'm sorry... I have no idea what to say..." I say as I still play with his hair.
"You don't have to say anything... I'm just glad you're here with me and just listening to me ramble on," He looks at me and gives me a half smile.
"I wish I could help you though... I wish I knew a bass player," I say and he laughs a little.
"It's ok babe... we'll figure something out... I mean if it comes down to it, our bass tech guy can fill in," He says and looks back at me. He takes my hand that was playing with his hair and places a kiss on the back of my hand. His lips are so soft it sends chills all over me. I have no idea how he makes me feel this way but I am so in love with him.