Aaina.
I let out a nervous breath of air, straightening down the front of my shirt and tightening the shawl around my shoulder.
December in Islamabad was colder than usual this year.
I stood by my husband's side, looking at the decorations and tiny bit of details that captured my attention.
It was a Christmas party, for the Christian workers in the government, for the minorities.
Zaydaan had been the one to throw it, which meant that I had been standing by his side for the past four hours in this huge hall.
Even though the Prime Minister House usually hosted such parties, Zaydaan had booked serena for the event. Something about security issues.
Meeting up with people of his party and seeing the way they talked with him, with so much respect and admiration, it warmed my heart.
But at the same time, it worried me. Because they admired Zaydaan but they worshipped his father.
How would they feel upon knowing that the Prime Minister was going to pass on the chairmanship to his son so early?
I had been careful with my words the whole night, and my husband had been in a great mood too.
Infact, he was in a way too good mood. The kind where he would put his hand around my waist, talk to me in front of his people with warmth in his eyes, tell them stories about me and make me join in on every conversation.
I hadn't felt this light hearted since our wedding day, as I did today.
It felt like we were a normal couple, doing normal things. Which wasn't true at all but it still made me feel satisfied in a way.
As Zaydaan announced that he was leaving, his party workers gathered around him and I stood at a side for a while.
I saw the way he connected with them, and the way they connected with him too.
As if he was some sort of Prince.
And among the whole crowd, his eyes found mine and he gave me the softest of smiles.
And I melted right there.
I could spend my whole life smiling at him with all that I had inside of me, if this was the real Zaydaan.
-
I changed into my nightgown, wearing the satin silk piece that I had bought before the wedding but had never really worn.
The fabric was soft against my skin, making goosebumps rise on it.
My mind was still somewhat at the party, all of a sudden I was interested to know each and every detail. I wanted to know how politics worked, how people manipulated their own people into doing them favours.
I wanted to know how this world worked and what kind of mindset you needed to have, to actually be able to function in this world.
Zaydaan was a full fledge politician, he was sharp and witty. He had anger inside of him but he always managed to cover it up by seriousness and firm expressions. He knew what to say and where to say it.
He was smart in that sense. I had listened to a few of his interviews and I was genuinely impressed.
And his people trusted him. That's what made me even more interested. How could people trust a political leader in power? How did they have such an unflinching amount of support and love for him?
How much did they admire the Prime Minister then? If they admired his son so much, how much did they admire their actual leader?
I was still strung in my thoughts when Zaydaan came up in front of me. His eyes giving me a questioning look, as if he wanted to ask what I was thinking.
So I said what I thought.
"I just think that if you have to be announced as the party's chairman, you should do it now."
Amusement danced in his eyes, I could see it. His mouth twitched as he heard my words, he raised an eye at me.
"Oh so you're into politics now." He remarked, I shook my head.
"No, I'm just saying that they were all looking at you with so much respect, when all of a sudden you're announced as the new chairman, they might object to it."
He chuckled, he actually chuckled. His head got closer, corners of his mouth turning into a grin.
"One week of studying with Raima and you're an expert now."
He commented, coming near me. I breathed in deeply as his hand encircled my shoulder.
He pushed the strap of my nightgown off my right shoulder, touching the naked space.
"Well, she's a good teacher." I whispered out, too distracted to say anything more.
As he heard my thoughts on Raima, he looked at me, face suddenly firm.
"Steer clear of Raima, she might be good at what she does but that doesn't change the fact that she ran away from her home with a boy she berely knew."
I knew that. Raima had been working here with the first lady even before she was the first lady.
And Sami was the most trusted man of my husband. He was the Head of his security team and before that, he was the security incharge of his mother.
"Who she's married to, now, and who also happens to be your most trusted man." I added. He simply shrugged.
"Doesn't change the fact that she betrayed her family. Infact, Sami told her not to do that and she still did it. Ofcourse he married her but it wasn't his decision to run away, it was hers."
Raima, yesterday, told me that she had tried to convince her parents, she had begged and pleaded but it had been of no use. His father had slapped her right across the face, telling her that she was an ungrateful kanjari.
I felt like defending her, I was not in the position to run away and I didn't have it in me to do so, especially because of Zaydaan. But Raima had ran away for the love of her life, and she was living a happy life now. An honorable, stable life.
"She didn’t do anything horrible. She tried to live her life. Not every daughter can accept all the wrong decisions her parents make for her."
Somehow my voice came out bitter but my husband only found it amusing.
"Oh yes, daughters and their life trauma." He said, rolling his eyes and smirking as he saw me frown.
He turned me around, pulling off my nightgown and leaving me in the soft silk dress that I had been wearing underneath.
He planted a kiss on the top of my shoulder, I leaned back.
He kissed my shoulder, trailing his mouth from my shoulders to my collarbone. It made it hard for me to concentrate.
"I'm just saying that sometimes people make decisions for their own-"
I still tried to explain myself better but it was of no use as he pulled me onto the bed.
"You're not even taking me seriously,-"
I said with a groan as he tried to part my legs. I joined them tightly, not opening up as I saw him practically laugh at me.
What was so funny anyway? Sometimes he would look at me like I was the worst person to look at, like he could kill me and now when we were having a conversation, he wasn't even serious about it.
"Are you really going to close them like that?" He questioned in between his laughs.
It was breathtaking, his laughter. He didn't look like the Zaydaan that I knew. He looked like a husband who could love, who could care.
Focus Aaina. Focus.
"Yes. I want you to take me seriously."
I replied to his earlier question about me not opening my legs. But as Zaydaan lowered down his lips, almost touching them with mine, I parted my legs and he smiled.
As if he had won. Like he always won.
He looked at my body like it was his. His nature was dominating, anyway. He had grown up in a world where his always got what he wanted, nobody told him no. Nobody told him anything other than yes. People obeyed him, they obeyed his father and even his brother.
Zaydaan didn't just have control because of his position as a minister, he had control because he was the second in command, the vice chairman of the ruling party.
I was slowly understanding that it was in his nature to control me as well, he didn't see me as an equal. And he expected obedience from me as well.
I didn't know how to feel about that. I wanted to be seen as an equal.
"How can I take you seriously when you have opened your legs for me?"
He said it as if I had opened them and invited him to come to me. It was the exact opposite of that.
"I hope they call you back downstairs." I mumbled. He smirked at me, positioning himself.
"I'm sure they'll realise I'm with a self sacrificing daughter."
He replied, grinning.
He was taking it so casually. Only, I knew how hard it was for any daughter to sacrifice everything she held dear for the sake of her parents.
It was a sensitive topic for me.
"I don’t like that you don’t take me seriously." I said quietly. He stilled, face grim as he looked at me.
"I don't care if you don't like it," He responded as if it was the easiest thing to say.
This intimacy, it drove away the fear that I had in my heart. So I questioned him if he cared at all.
"Not at all?"
I whispered. His right hand cupped my face.
"If I didn't care, you wouldn't be saying a word right now."
He warned or threatened or told me. I couldn't understand his tone. But it slightly intimidated me. I covered it with slight laughter.
"Oh right, the scary husband."
I replied. He raised his eye at me.
"Not scared now, are you?"
I shook my head. I wasn't scared. I wasn't scared of him.
"So you're not scared?"
"No." I replied again.
"Not even now?" He asked, twisting me around. His body, now on top of mine.
"No." I managed to choke out. He twisted me back, looking at me with his big brown eyes.
"And now?"
He gripped my chin, making me look at him.
And he stared. He stared at me for a good few seconds and I looked away.
I looked away because I saw a coldness in his eyes, a darkness, a feeling that I couldn't quite understand.
A satisfied look crossed his face.
"The day you start looking me in the eye for more than ten seconds would be the day I believe that you're not scared of me."
He said those words with such confidence and conviction that it took me a good few seconds to even try and open my mouth for any sort of response.
Turns out, he didn't want to hear anything.
"No more talking,"
And so he claimed what he believed was his, what I gave to him every night, willingly and happily.
--
"Can I talk now?"
I questioned him after a good hour, both of us were tired, fighting sleep but this was the moment where I could be his wife, where I could ask something from him and expect him to give it to me.
It was the only time I had the chance to make him comply to what I wanted.
"I'd prefer to sleep, actually." He mumbled.
But he didn't stop me from saying anything.
"I don't want to stay at home anymore, I want to be useful, I want to go to university and study there." I murmured, not looking at him but at my hand that was wrapped around him.
"We already had this discussion."
I let him pull me flush against his body so I was peering down at his tense face, but my body didn’t soften in his embrace.
"Please, Zaydaan. I'll do anything." I said with a gulp.
He sighed out loud, annoyed.
"You're my wife. When you got married to me, you should have known that your life would be like living in a golden cage."
His tone was soft with me, maybe he didn't like yelling at me for everything after all.
"I know. But I don't want to live like that, I want to complete my degree around my friends. Not at home." I told him.
I was already feeling like a trophy wife. Studying at home was nothing but a lie, who could study at home? I couldn't.
"You already know my answer." He stated,.
"Zaydaan, please." I pleaded yet again.
"No, Aaina. End of discussion." I turned up, plopping myself on my elbow and looking at him.
"Okay, atleast say you'll think about it. Take three business days." I tried to lighten up his mood but he still shook his head.
"I don't have to think about it. I'm not letting you do this."
As he rudely refused, not even bothering to say that he would think about it, I thought about how I felt.
It felt like I was locked up in a big house, only going outside when my husband wanted me to.
Life in a golden cage. Zaydaan had called it. It was true. My mother had spent her whole life in a golden cage too, I didn't want to be trapped like that.
And if I couldn't breathe properly in this cage, how would my sister do it. If I could take a stand for myself, atleast for the sake of my education, she could do the same one day.
Saira was strong even though she was just sixteen. But she learned things from me and I was just a trophy wife right now. Was I not?
Thinking about Saira made unwanted tears come into my eyes.
"But, please." I tried to convince him. Zaydaan noticed that I was on the verge of crying.
He frowned, as if he couldn't believe I was ruining his mood.
"If I see another tear come out of that pretty little eye, I swear I'll walk out of the room and not come back."
The moment he said it, another tear came out of my eye.
"Alright, I'm leaving." He tried to stand up from the bed, pulling his arm away from me and even shrugging off my own arm away from him.
I panicked.
Fuck taking a stand for myself. Was he really leaving?
"No, wait. Zaydaan stay, please."
I tried to stop him but he didn't stop, he was almost near the door.
Aaina, tum bhi bauhat kutti ho. Jab pata hai ek banda nai karta is baat ko bardasht to kyun provoke karti ho usko? Kya tumhain nahi pata ke tumhari shaadi pyaar ki waja se nahi, power ki waja se hui hai? Kya tum nahi jaanti ke agar wo is waqt Acha hai to wo bura bhi ho sakta hai?
You're an idiotic bitch, Aaina. You know that this man is not going to accept this, then why are you even trying? Do you not know that you didn't get married for love, but for other reasons. Do you not know that if he's good to you right now, he can turn bad too?
Kyun pretend karti ho ke tumhari life ek normal life hai? Kyun ke nahi hai normal. Ye sab normal nahi hai.
Why do you pretend that your life is normal? It is not.
Jo mil raha hai, us main khush rehna seekh lo. Zyada ki khwahish main is choti si khushi se bhi mehroom ho jaogi.
Learn to stay happy in what you have, you'll lose the tiny bits of happiness too if you start wishing for more.
My mind always talked to me like I had two people inside of me, one, who I was and two, my alter ego.
My alter ego replied with a chup behnchod, so jao. (Shut it, go to sleep)
If Zaydaan ever found out the amount of cursing I did in my head, he would get genuinely pissed off.
"Okay, I won't ask for it again."
I told my husband, who stopped in his track and looked at me.
"Promise me."
"I promise."
So we went to sleep, and I slept peacefully in his arms.
Jo naseeb main ho ga, wo mil jayega. Is waqt us hi cheez main khush rehti hoon Jo mere paas hai.
If something is in my luck, I'll get it. I just have to be patient and stay happy with what I have.
Breakfasts weren't supposed to be awkward. They were supposed to be quiet and simple. They were supposed to be happy. They were supposed to give you a boost of energy, a 'what a great morning' vibe.
But clearly, things were different in the Prime Minister House.
"There is no way that this will be acceptable. Do you really think that we're in a position to do so?"
My husband and his father, no, scratch that, The Prime Minster and the foreign Minister were in a heated argument about something and we, the family, were in the middle of it.
"I'm telling you to do so."
Zaydaan's father replied. His tone was filled with authority. Just the same as Zaydaan, only much deeper.
Zaydaan scowled, sitting by my side.
"And I'm telling you that it won't be good enough." He shot back.
His father put his spoon on the table harshly. His anger peeking out.
"I don't take orders from you." The Prime Minister said, continuing.
"You are going to Saudi Arabia, you are going to meet with the crown Prince and you are going to show him support.."
The way he ordered Zaydaan, I knew that it angered my husband more than anything.
And he showed it by his deep frown.
"I will do no such thing. He is being accused of a big fucking thing, do you not know what will the world say if we do this?"
"They are our friends. Understand? They help us. We need them."
"And they take enough from us. Our army, our men, our labor force. So don't apply that shit here, father. I'm not doing this."
Ahad munched on his toast, my mother in law ate her omelette in silence and I awkwardly drank my tea, not knowing what else to do.
"It is my order to you as the Prime Minister of Pakistan."
The firmness in my father in law's voice spoke volumes. But Zaydaan wasn't the one to back down.
"And this is my response as the foreign minister, I'm not going there, sir."
"I'm going to talk about it in the cabinet meeting today. If I hear another no from your mouth, Zaydaan-" And he was back to talking like a father, angry but eyes much kinder.
Zaydaan still didn't back down.
"What? What will you do? Why don't you understand that we're so close to elections! We can't risk it."
"Ten years of experience and you think you know so much. You don't."
"I know better than you do at this point."
Even Ahad stopped eating, looking at Zaydaan with eyes widened. I didn't know what to say so I kept quiet, simply observing.
"Bhai (brother)..," He mumbled.
"I made you the foreign minister and I can take it away in a minute. Remember that."
Zaydaan stood up from the dining table, eyes glaring at practically everyone.
"Take your empty threats somewhere else, baba."
His father stood up as well.
"It's not an empty threat, son. If the cabinet votes in your favour, great. If they don't, you're going to Saudia Arabia."
He said, wiping his face with the napkin. Zaydaan's father glanced at me for a moment, then looked away.
"And take your wife with you when you go. Do an umrah together."
He suggested. Zaydaan shook his head.
"I'm not going, Trust me."
With that, Zaydaan walked out.
The Prime Minister however looked at his wife, practically throwing daggers at her. She stood up, gulping.
"Badtameez kanjar aulaad hai tumhari." (Your children are absolutely shameless)
He said it like Zaydaan and Ahad weren't his sons but only their mother's. It was typical though. Men always blamed their women. For anything and everything.
The first lady and the Prime Minister walked out of the dining hall. I breathed out a sigh of relief, looking at Ahad who was eating like nothing had happened.
"What just happened?"
"This is normal, don't worry." He dismissed.
"So Zaydaan and your father argue like this?"
I questioned. He nodded, shrugging.
"That's what happens when you give birth to tigers. Your father hands you the gun, you'll aim it at him once or twice."
He smirked calling his own self a tiger too. But it was true in a way. He had brought them up with a defensive fighting nature, ofcourse they were going to pounce on him once or twice.
"Who do you think is right?" I questioned Ahad. He pondered for a moment, before glancing at me.
"Bhai. It's not the right time."
I nodded.
If both Ahad and Zaydaan said that it wasn't right, then why was their father insisting upon it?
But at the same time, the PM had a team of advisors that were far more experienced.
I took a bite of the egg sandwich placed in front of me and then looked at Ahad who was eating something of his own.
"If your brother becomes the next Prime Minister, what would you become?"
"When he becomes the Prime Minister, I'm hoping that I'll get the defense ministry." He said without any hesitation.
I noticed how confident he was. He changed my if to a when.
"People work all their life and you'll be given it on a silver platter."
Even though my tone was playful, I still couldn't help but think how unfair it was to other people who worked hard each and everyday.
Ahad nodded as if he knew that I was right.
"People here don't care if you've worked or not. Nobody says anything about bhai because he's proved that he's good."
"What about acting?" Ahad let out a huge sigh, as if I had put salt on his injury.
"Trust me, defense ministers are the biggest actors."
He said with a playful grin and I laughed.
"Besides, I've come to terms with the fact that I can never act so I'm giving it up and moving on to the defense ministry."
"Maybe you should become one, too. Hmm let's see, how about information?"
Even imagining myself as a minister made me want to barf. Too much pressure, too many expectations.
"I wouldn't be a minister." I denied.
And Zaydaan would never make me one anyway.
"Then what would you be?"
"I would be his first lady."
Even though I was just joking, I wondered what I would do if that were to happen at some point.
_-