Fluff/Humor: (Female/Male) Reader x Human!Damon Salvatore
Imagine you and Damon being human together and living far away from Mystic Falls in a small town with kids.
"Damon, honey!" you shouted from the master bedroom bathroom.
"Yes, pumpkin?" Damon called teasingly from the bottom of the staircase.
"Can you take out the trash bins, please?" You asked. "I forgot about trash day, and I have to find that stupid portfolio for Jerry at work, he's always leaving things here!"
"Ugh! Fine!" Damon groaned dramatically. "Junior! You almost ready for school?! You know you have to talk to your math teacher before class!"
"Dad, can you make some eggs real quick?!" your son called from his bedroom.
"That doesn't answer my question, young man!"
"Yeah, Dad, I'm almost ready, I just have to put my shoes on!" He called. "Happy?"
"No, son, I'm not happy, and fix your damn attitude before I put you through a f**king wall!" Damon snapped.
"Damon!" you yelled, scolding him. "No yelling this early in the morning! Or at all! The neighbors might call the cops again! And if anybody's putting him through a f**king wall, it's me, I've had it with him this week! Also, I can make breakfast, they don't need me until nine!"
"Sorry, (Y/N)," Damon sighed, reluctantly heading outside. "And you better not mouth off one more time today, Kevin!"
"Why can't you guys just be quiet, like normal people?!" Kevin cried.
"We're not normal people, we're Salvatores!" you pointed out.
Damon irritably dragged both trash bins outside, right in front of the house. It was times like these that he almost wanted to be a vampire again. Then, he spotted Norman, a cranky old man across the street, staring at him as he watered his grass. Damon Salvatore stopped what he was doing, giving him the stink-eye.
"F**k you looking at?!" he called, begrudgingly walking back inside.
"Daddy!" Your daughter cried, running towards Damon as you quickly cooked in the kitchen.
"Good morning, princess," Damon smiled, hugging her and kissing her forehead sweetly. "I swear, some days you're the only one here who doesn't drive me nuts," he whispered as she only giggled.
"I heard that!" you called as he came walking in towards the kitchen.
"Of course you did," Damon nodded sheepishly.
"Daddy, why are you in your underwear, silly goose?!" Your youngest daughter, Lucy, laughed.
"What—?!" Damon began. "Oh. F**k. That's why Norman was looking at me funny. I honestly couldn't tell the difference between that and how he usually is."
"F**king Norman, miserable old c***," you agreed with a sigh. "Damon.... put some pants on. Not that I'm complaining."
"Ugh, (Mom/Dad)!" Your oldest, Jeannie, groaned. "(Mom/Dad), I thought you guys agreed to stop with the really bad swear words in front of Lucy," she sighed as she sat down.
"Oh, well. Sh*t happens. What's the point, she's already heard them all?" You decided as you put breakfast on the table, sitting at the head of the table with Damon beside you, fully clothed.
"Jeannie, get off the phone please, and eat your breakfast. We need to leave in ten minutes," Damon sighed.
"Kevin," you warned,"I better find the dishes all put away when you get home."
"What am I doing wrong, (Mommy/Daddy)?" Lucy asked excitedly as you only stared in guilt and confusion.
"Oh, nothing, nothing, baby, and no one's doing anything wrong, we're just reminding you guys what you need to do," you apologized with a smile.
"I'm sorry, princess, don't worry, you're probably the most well-behaved person in this house," Damon promised.
"Hey!" Kevin argued defensively.
"Oh, come on, don't even go there!" Damon warned.
"Are you coming with us on the way to school?" Jeannie asked you.
"Yeah," you nodded. "I don't have to work until nine. Come on, guys, almost time to go."
****
You, Damon, and the kids all piled into his car, preparing to head to each kid's school.
"Hold on, Dad, I forgot my lunch money!" Kevin protested, running back inside.
"Damn it, this kid," Damon sighed in the driver's seat.
You checked to make sure that your youngest daughter was buckled in, and waited for Kevin.
"Kevin Salvatore, I'm warning you, if I get one more phone call about any food fights, Dad's joining you in the cafeteria," you warned.
"That's right. Better behave, you little asshole," Damon smiled mockingly.
"It was only two times!" he argued.
"Yeah, two times in the last week!" Damon pointed out. "And Lucy, you better not ever repeat anything bad me or (Mommy/Daddy) say!"
****
Dropping off Lucy was perfectly easy for the both of you. All you had to do was wave and smile, and drive off.
****
Dropping off Kevin went fairly well, although you and Damon saw him flip off a crossing guard who had yelled at him for running across the street.
"That kid," you sighed. "I'm honestly not even sure which one of us he gets that from anymore."
****
For you, dropping off Jeannie was the most interesting. You and Damon watched with increasing interest as she got out of the car, to join a boy also walking towards the school.
"Oh, this kid is not good enough for my daughter," Damon decided automatically.
"When are you not going to say that?" you groaned, as Damon rolled down your window as he drove near them. "Hi! I'm the protective Dad!" Damon Salvatore announced. "Hurt my daughter in any way and it's your ass!" he yelled, driving away.
"Dad!" Your daughter cried, mortified. "This is Stephen, my gay best friend!"
"I love how protective you are, and you too," you chuckled, linking arms with him in the middle of your seats as you kissed his cheek.
"Love you too, babe," Damon smiled, feeling satisfied with himself as he drove.