Chapter 18
"Why me, Kate?"
She sighed, and put her cheek to his, and continued swaying to the music
"can we go somewhere else after this dance?"
he whispered, "sure"
"I'll answer you Rick, just not right now."
She placed a soft kiss, at that sensitive spot below his ear. And they danced together, perfectly happy to be in each others arms. They had a lot of things to talk about, but it could wait until this dance was over.
Kate didn't want to multi-task right now. She just wanted to be this close to him, to hear his soft breathing, or the way he was humming along with the song... She wanted to concentrate on the way his hands felt on her. They were strong hands being gentle on her; he was holding her like she was the most delicate glass sculpture. And it made her love him more the way he cared for her.
She would tell him everything tonight. She'd tell him how she's finding it hard to be just friends, how she wants more. She wants to be with him. She'd tell him why she hid it all this while; she'd apologize for throwing him off track by going ahead and dating Josh. She'd make things right.
They had left the building, and were now in a cab. He had draped his suit around her shoulders, to keep her warm. She rewarded him back with the sweetest smile he'd seen.
After a few minutes passed, she asked "where are we going?"
"We're here"
they got off and he paid the driver.
"The beach?"
"Yea, it's silent, there's fresh air, I think it's perfect"
They were walking along the shore now; Kate had taken of her heels to walk on the soft sand. The tide was not in yet, and the beach didn't have a lot of party animals tonight, so it was nice, they were still silent, just glad to be with each other, not needing to say it out loud for the other to know they appreciated the company. Rick suddenly felt her hand brush against his, and then her fingers slipped between his, he looked down at their joined hands, and smiled.
"I made a mistake..."
Kate said, breaking the silence as they walked.
Rick didn't say anything, allowing her to continue in her own time.
"Rick, I think I started seeing you as more than just a friend, a long time ago...
And it scared me"
"I can't be that bad." he joked, trying to lighten the mood.
She laughed a little.
Then he asked, more seriously
"what are you afraid of?"
"I was afraid, that if we started something together, and if even one of us made a mistake, if something were to go wrong, not only would I lose my relationship with you, but I'd lose u as my best friend too. And I couldn't have that, not then, not ever"
"Kate..."
"So I tried to distract myself from you, I thought if I start going out with someone, I could control my feelings for you, and still keep you as my best friend. But it was a mistake, a huge mistake."
She paused, and then continued after a heavy exhale.
"I thought that my plan would help keep you close to me, but I ended up driving you further away..." tear's were beginning to fill at her eyes.
"It was so selfish of me; I didn't even think for once how, I dating someone was affecting you. It didn't occur to me how uncomfortable you were, until after you had left.
And god Rick, that whole month, I could only think of you, of how much I had hurt you.
I was stupid to think that way, to do something so selfish that it had you going away, and I'm sorry."
she had stopped, and was looking at him now, "I'm so sorry I hurt you that way Rick"
a tear rolled down her cheek. And he couldn't take seeing her that way. He pulled her into him, hugging her tight.
"Kate, please don't cry..."
she buried her face into the crook of his neck. And his arms held on tighter to her... He kissed her on the head
"I'm not going to ever go away again Kate, we both made a few mistakes. I think these misunderstandings happened cause we were trying to control an emotion in us that can't be controlled"
Rick held her to his side, and slowly walked them over to sit by the rocks. When they were seated, he said
"I only realized how fond of you I had become when I saw you going out with Josh. Watching you two was making me sick, and even though I tried to be okay with it, I wasn't. I went away, thinking I could tame my heart to stop it from going crazy for you... But my month away, went in vain.
Not a day went by when I didn't think of you Kate, I missed you so much. And I realized being away, not being able to see you in reality, having you invading my dreams at night, none of that was helping. So I gave up, and came back, I just had to see you again..."
"You dreamed of me when you were away?" a small smile crept onto her lips.
"'dreamed' would be past tense Kate, I dream of you all day and night, I can't stop thinking about you."
"What kind of dreams are they?"
He laughed.
"I'd rather not tell you, I don't want you to hit me."
she laughed now, a real full Kate Beckett laugh, and it warmed his heart. They were silently smiling at each other now. And then Rick spoke
"so where do you think we're headed?"
She put her hand to his cheek and said "I think I'm tired of keeping secrets from you, I think I want to be more than a friend... Rick, I think I love you" she whispered sincerely.
"I think I love you too Kate" he said honestly.