CHAPTER FORTY SEVEN- Fixing the broken pieces.
Ashley’s POV:
“So he ignores you for two weeks, and then out of the blue suddenly he’s snogging some other girl at a club?”
Justin clarified as he took another sip of his beer. The man likes his beer. Every time someone said it, it just made it sound even worse. And a few times, I found myself almost feeling defensive. I wanted to tell them that it wasn’t like that, and that he had been nicer to me in the two weeks than they were making out, but the reality was, he hadn’t. And I still didn’t know why. I called him so many times, I tried, I really did. But as the time moved on, it just got more and more blatant that he was ignoring me on purpose. Like at the end of the day when I rushed home from work so I could still make our scheduled time to Skype, and he wouldn’t be online. And then when I text him telling him to go online, he didn’t, and he would never reply to the text either. Maybe his phone is broke, I assured myself at first. But then I started creeping on his twitter more often, just to see, what was going on, and sure enough there would be a tweet via IPhone. So then I’d call him, and what would happen? It’d go to voicemail. So I’d leave one, stating simply for him to call me back when he had time, or to just drop me a text if he was too busy, and that I was worried about him, considering it was not like him to be out of constant contact with me. But no, he never did call back, text back, or give me any type of reassurance that he was even getting my messages. So that was my next conclusion: He’s not receiving my messages. So I text him on Mallory’s phone, and did he reply? No. I called him on Mallory’s phone, did he call back or at least text asking what I wanted? No. So then I started to get pretty mad, but as always, I was more hurt and disappointed than mad. I always was. I could never be mad at him for very long, it was just one of those things. No matter how much of a dick he was I could never hold a grudge. Maybe it’s those eyes, or maybe it’s just what comes with being ridiculously in love with him. Either way, I couldn’t stay mad.
But then there were the pictures on the internet. That was a different story. At the time of his intoxication, I was aware he was drinking, and that he was pretty damn drunk. That didn’t bother me, I mean, as long as he’s having fun, right? And as long as he’s okay, since he’s tend to be a bit stupid when he’s drunk. But the type of fun I was hoping he was having was not the type it turned out to be. And that was, snogging some redhead with glasses that I didn’t recognise in a club. He was drunk, wasted even; I know it was a mistake. And I know that he deeply regrets it and that he’s sorry. But that doesn’t make it instantly better. How do I know that these two weeks where he hasn’t been speaking to me he hasn’t been with this girl? I know he’s not the cheating type –despite the pictures – but I just don’t know. And how am I supposed to trust him now? I can’t trust him; at least it doesn’t feel like it. It was just, it was so unexpected. Niall though, Niall. I just never expected it from him. I know he does stupid things when he’s drunk, I’ve been with him when he is enough times to know that; and even though he probably wasn’t thinking straight and had no idea what he was doing somehow, that still didn’t make it okay. Being drunk doesn’t make you forget everything in your life; he wouldn’t have forgotten that he was supposed to be in a relationship with me. So did he just think I wouldn’t find out? In a way, I kind of wanted to talk to this girl, whoever she was, not to have a go at her, because it probably wasn’t her fault. Although I kind of hope it was, it probably isn’t. But to just get her side of the story. I mean, did she know him? Or was she just a random girl who happened to be in the same club as my wasted boyfriend? I didn’t know a lot, only what I’ve been provided by the tabloids and all the gossip sites. There’s no point asking Niall, because he doesn’t remember, and if he does, he’s not exactly offering up very much detail.
“It wasn’t…” For some reason I was expecting something else to come to mind, for something else to present itself and make this all seem a little bit better than it actually was, but it didn’t, and I didn’t think it was going to anytime soon. Justin raised his eye-brows; he could already tell I was stalling, waiting for something or someone to finish my sentence. But I got no answers given to me anymore; I had to go looking for them. “Kind of.”
“Kind of.”
Justin repeated and I nodded curtly.
I wasn’t sure how I felt about this whole break thing. And I wasn’t even convinced I did the right thing by putting us on a break. It was a weird concept that I knew Niall didn’t understand, and in all honesty, neither did I. Before relationships were black and white to me, we were either together, or we weren’t. There was no in between stage. And yet that was exactly what Niall and I right now, the in between stage. For some reason it irradiated me; the pure uncertainty of it all. At first I thought it was going to be worth it, a chance for me to really sort things out in my head without the strain of a rocky relationship on the side. But now, two weeks in and I’m already having withdrawal symptoms from simply not knowing what’s going on with him anymore. I wonder if he feels the same way about me? He told me he didn’t want a break, but I thought I did at the time so I did it. Put us on a break. Maybe it’s better like this though, however much it kills me, I know he needs time to think things through too. I still didn’t understand why he would cheat on me if he was happy with me, so he couldn’t be. I kind of feel like a failure too; because I wasn’t enough for him. I’ve spent so long agonising over the fact that I don’t feel like I’m good enough for him and he’s spent so long telling me that it’s not like that, and that I’m more than enough for him, so why did he find it necessary to go and make out with some girl in a club? It had me beat. It wasn’t even that I was mad; I was just hurt, disappointed and surprised. Whenever I did speak to him next – however much I didn’t want to admit it to myself – I knew I wouldn’t even be able to be angry. I never could be with Niall. I could shout at him and then two seconds later feel extremely guilty and end up apologising, it was pretty pathetic of me, but maybe for him, it’s a good thing.
“Well I don’t know.”
I snapped. I could feel my throat beginning to ache, the feeling rising to my temples. I still couldn’t believe it, couldn’t believe he done it. For a mere moment when I first saw the pictures I had this twang of hope inside of me that maybe, just maybe, it was a really advanced version of Photoshop, but as I just carried on staring at it and then when he called me I knew it wasn’t. This was real.
“Yes you do. You just won’t admit it. On that note, has he admitted it?”
Justin raised his eye-brows. I winced as I remembered our last phone call, he was so full of apologies and he had been ever since, when I didn’t answer his calls I’d receive about ten I’m sorry x texts in the space of a minute and countless voicemails. But what really got me, was what he said to Ellie. I teared up at that. And then I was kind of glad that I pushed to get this camera put in her hospital room so I wouldn’t miss anything. But then, sitting there and watching Niall cry as he said all these things totally oblivious to the fact that I was sitting on the other side of the world watching, listening, crying at his words. It just really broke me, and then I knew that there was no way I could stay mad at him. I’d marry her in a heartbeat. That was probably the sentence that got me the most. I pretty much stopped breathing at that. It was one thing to say you loved someone, it was another to tell them you were completely in love with them and they were your world, but to tell them –or rather not tell them – that you wouldn’t even have to think about the conclusion of marriage before you said that you would, it was something pretty damn special. I’d had a few serious relationships before Niall, Luke being the only one who actually told me he loved me – even though I never said it back – but none of them had ever talked about marriage. Maybe it was because we were too young, and virginity was enough of a joke without marriage on the cards but still, he was the first person who had ever said that they felt like that about me and meant it. I still couldn’t get over that now. Yes, I was aware we’d been dating for a while and those eight months when we first met were some of the best times of our lives. But it’s a really strange concept, I’d known Niall for almost two years now, we started off as strangers, only knowing each other through the media, we didn’t know each other, barely knew each other’s names before we met that day; and then two years later, he’s saying that he’d marry me in a heartbeat. But in a way, that kind of scared me. And I began to question whether I felt the same way or not; I love Niall; so much, and I love him no less through this whole ordeal but marriage? It’s a pretty damn scary thing. I knew we wouldn’t be thinking about that anytime too soon, but still, to know that he’d thought about it enough to come to a conclusion and tell it to my sister? It was pretty indescribable.
“Yes.”
I said through gritted teeth, Justin nodded only slightly but he didn’t seem convinced. It was needless to say since he got the news he had gone off of Niall considerably.
“And has he said sorry?”
“Only about a million times.”
I mumbled recalling all the voicemails, the texts, messages on Skype, messages on twitter. If he couldn’t get hold of me by phone, he just resorted to basically spamming me. He was fading it out now though, realising he wasn’t going to get a reply and that I needed my space the same way he needed his. But he was convinced he didn’t and he didn’t want space, he only wanted me, but apparently the other week he wanted some redhead at a club. So really, he needs to stop sending me mixed signals. In all honesty, I wanted to forgive him but I had to have a bit of self-respect, right? I know he’s sorry, I can tell he’s genuine that he’s sorry but I’m just disappointed.
“Give me your phone.”
“What? Why?”
“Give me your phone.”
He demanded motioning for me to hand it to him. I was reluctant but handed it over anyway, I crashed on the sofa beside him, peering over his shoulder to see what he was doing. I watched his finger hover over the screen, as if he didn’t know what to press yet and after a few more halted movements he settled with Niall’s contact and the Call Mobile button. But he didn’t get very far before I snatched it away from him.
“No way are you calling him.”
I shook my head vigorously all while he just stared at me with a pleading look on his face.
“Why not? Ashley the guy fucking cheated on you! I wanna have a go at him.”
He whined, I shook my head. The last thing I needed was a guy that Niall didn’t know calling his phone and blowing off at him about his mistake of two weeks ago. I was pretty upset with Niall, but he didn’t deserve that.
“No. He doesn’t know you and that’d just make it worse. Bedsides, he’s beating himself up about it enough.”
“So he should.”
Justin grumbled and I rolled my eyes. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate how strongly he felt about Niall cheating on me as an afterthought to ignoring me for two weeks, but I really wanted it to stay between Niall and I. After all, that was all it involved, and whoever the girl was that he ended up snogging. But I’d leave that for another time.
“No but…I just can’t be mad at him. You know what I mean?”
I tried and Justin arched an eye-brow. I don’t think he did know what I meant, but either way it didn’t exactly matter. I knew what I meant, and Niall probably knew what I meant too, even if we hadn’t spoken properly in a while. I had to admit that I missed our conversations as much as I missed him, of course they were better face to face but I just generally loved talking to him. It was such a simple activity, but yet we could do it for hours and never get bored. It wasn’t even like we talked about things that were particularly important, it was just anything and everything, and despite all the friendships and relationships I’d had in the past I’d never met someone where we could just enjoy each other’s company so much for so long and never get tired of it. Maybe that’s another of the factors of being in love, but all I know is, I don’t want to lose him again and I don’t plan to.
“No, not really. How can he ignore you for two weeks and then cheat on you and you’re not mad at him?”
“Because I don’t get mad.”
I mumbled and he quirked an eye-brow. I sighed throwing my head back in despair. Not having a relationship with Niall was actually quite infuriating.
“Of course you do, everyone gets mad.”
I shook my head.
“Not at Niall.”
“I don’t get you sometimes Ashley.”
“Oh me neither Justin, me neither.”
-
I pulled my coat tight around my body as people rushed me by. Clutching scarfs to their necks, hats to their heads and stuffing hands in pockets. I followed in suit and pulled my hat further down on my head blowing away the few strands of hair that had evaded the pink woollen materiel of my hat. The business side of New York was screaming at me, everywhere I looked, lights, signs, salesmen, somebody keen to pocket your phone if you don’t hold it tight in your hand.
Two for one on winter wear; only until the twentieth of February!
Home is where the heart is, New York is where the party is.
Make a change, and join the NYC Foundation for seriously Ill children today!
So bold and bright, the message so clear but at the same time, it made no sense. No details, now it seemed good to summarize. To me, details would always be the winner. I hated people being brief, which is probably why I talk too much, so keen to give everyone the full works of detail, but I like to give what I’d like to receive back. Obviously that didn’t go down too well with Niall; but nothing ever goes the right way and, nobody said it was easy.
The streetlights glowed, the snow crunching underneath my feet as it evened out; my feet massaging into it in simple, smooth and soft steps indenting. They would be concealed soon, filled it by the dense flecks of white tumbling from the night sky, so sinister against something so beautiful and pure. But I guess there’s a dark side to everything. Because however much you pretty things up, paint the world different colours and tweak the truth until it becomes something beautiful, there’s always a dark side. And maybe that’s kind of beautiful too, how nothing can ever be sincere, however much you want it to be. You can kid yourself, you can kid other people, but you’ll never find a road that’s completely smooth and straight and you’ll never find an ocean that reposes no ripples and is frequently calm and serene. But maybe that’s okay, because these are all memories, and life would be pretty boring if everything went the right way all the time.
I pushed the door open, the clock above reminding me it was about to enter the new day. To me, it was just another day without Niall. Another day reflecting on every mistake I’d ever made with him, but all the same, it would not be the same. I was about to do something life changing, but still, it felt right, like somehow I owed it to myself, and maybe even Niall: To make some changes in my life. This may be a bump in the road for Niall and I, but that doesn’t mean I can’t smooth it out and maybe just make this, the temporary end where change begins.
My clothes spilt snow onto the burgundy carpets, the orange lamps gave off a soft homely glow as they lined the crème walls. Situated above and around the pictures of models, clothes, group shots, it was always the end process. Because maybe, here, the journey there was too ugly to be flaunted but to me; the journey was the most beautiful thing. I still hadn’t finished mine, and I knew I had a long way to go.
Jane smiled warmly at me and it was clear she was about to pack up for the night but she sunk back into her seat anyway. It was also clear she was surprised to see me, or at least see anyone walk through these doors at almost midnight during heavy snowfall but nonetheless I was here, and I meant business.
“Ashley dear, how may I help you love?”
She asked me, the corners of her eyes wrinkling up as she smiled her slightly crooked teeth smile. But suddenly I had this flash; that was the type of smile I had fallen in love with. And maybe it was a lot better than perfection.
“Is John here?”
I smiled back at her; and for once, I actually felt like smiling.
“You know it. He always is. Go on through I’ll buzz him to let him know you’re on your way.”
I nodded giving her a “Thanks.” As I proceeded through the lobby. I could see the door at the end of the hall. The lights got dimmer as I went and eventually faded into darkness, the simple slither of light spilling out from underneath the door. I took a deep breath and composed myself before I knocked. Receiving a cheerful “Come in!” I did so and stepped into the office that was so familiar to me, but every time, I couldn’t help by feel like it was somewhere foreign. Somewhere I didn’t belong, like I was only visiting. Not sure how long I would be hanging around.
“Ashley! What brings you here? Not that I’m not pleased to see you, I always am but at this time? Would have guessed you had some boyfriend to be spending the night with.”
He chuckled ruffling some papers. I smiled back but I could tell his smile wasn’t going to last. I fumbled in my pocket and brought out the square of paper I had sat in my car and stared at for so long before I came here. I unfolded it, the block print was so clear; my signature at the bottom, there was no going back now. I slammed it down on the desk and suddenly the noise seemed too loud, like I had committed a sin by making the noise so prominent.
“I quit.”
I breathed. The words seemed so sour as they rolled off of my tongue but at the time so sweet. Such a relief; but at the same time, they sounded uneasy, like I wasn’t quite sure. His smile dropped and he stared up at me and his glasses fell to the end of his nose. I suddenly felt queasy, like these four walls were all caving in on me. Putting the spotlight, the burden and the pressure on me because I had just uttered these two simple words that concluded so much, but at the same time, it seemed like so little. Like all in all, it didn’t even seem like it mattered that much to me and on the other hand, it seemed like the whole world.
“What?”
“I quit.” I shrugged. “I think it’s for the best. It’s nothing against you, or anyone else here. I like working here, it’s just; I have too much going on right now and I really think I need to work on the way I convey myself, and I don’t think I can do that while working here, you know?”
He just stared back at me and I knew he was somewhat disappointed but John was an understanding guy, it would take time, but he’d get over it. And besides, there’s bound to be some girl who deserves this job a lot more than me waiting to take my place. And you know what? I was totally okay with that. It’d be nice for it go to someone who actually wants and deserves it. I know I’m lucky, and in other people’s eyes; possibly really stupid for quitting but sometimes it’s not about luck or how well off you are. It’s about happiness and doing what’s right for you.
“As you probably know, I have some um, issues to sort out within myself. I have a lot of stuff to sort out in my life and I don’t want to put it off anymore. A fresh start is maybe what I need, you know? I’m not leaving this for another job, I’m not gonna be working again anytime soon. I need some time to myself, to clear my head, and really get myself sorted out. Basically, I have problems and I want to fix myself. And I feel that I can’t do what while working here, or anywhere, you know? I understand if you wanna be mad at me. But I really hope that my place goes to someone who wants, needs and genuinely deserves it, in fact, I’d love to see it go to someone with all three of those things. So, I hope you can respect my decision and understand why I have to do this. It’s been great while I’ve been here, really, but I need to move on now. But thanks for a great year and a bit. I’ve really learnt a lot.”
He blinked once. And I just stood there, hoping this would go down as well as my explanation did. I was quite proud of myself for that, that was the most truth about myself I had ever let on in a work situation and maybe I liked it.
“Okay,” He shrugged heaving a sigh as if we had just done some contract that he wasn’t happy with. Maybe we had, who knows. “I understand. I do. And I totally respect your honesty and I admire how well you’ve thought this out. You’re a smart, talented, beautiful young girl Ashley and I respect your decision one hundred percent. And I really, really hope that wherever you end up in the future that you’re happy and that you’ve managed to become content with your life…But just in case you change your mind, there’s always a spare desk waiting for you and we’ll all be waiting with open arms. Okay?”
I smiled back at him nodding and then I was pretty sure I had done the right thing. It felt right, to move on.
“Of course. Thank you.”
I beamed and he returned it.
“Come ere’.”
He pulled me into a hug and then kissed my cheek, the hug lingered for a few seconds before we pulled away. I could see the hint if wistfulness in his eyes but he was smiling, fully respecting my decision which, was all I needed.
“Well, good luck in whatever you decide to do Ashley. We’re gonna miss ya’.”
After exchanging a few more good luck’s and goodbye’s I left, feeling a great sense of satisfaction as I did so.
The night had a hint of conveying tenebrous as my heels clicked against the gravel of the empty car park. The lights flashed as I unlocked my car and slid inside bringing a flurry of intricate snowflakes as I did so. I watched as the snowfall melted onto the windshield, it floated on air, dancing in between the breeze before it settled onto the surface of the benumbed glass that was slowly beginning to devour heat as the engine slowly warmed up. But I didn’t go straight away; I sat there and let my thoughts slip in between themselves. The unimportant ones folded themselves away into the back of my brain, thoughts for another time, they’d be revisited some when, probably when I least expected it. But maybe that was the beauty of it, I never knew when things were going to happen, even schedules were never certain. Even my own actions were surprising sometimes – maybe the one I was about to take was – or maybe I’d had it coming for me all along. Either away; I was still going to do it. I was fed up of being the broken girl and having to love Niall with my broken pieces. I wanted to be a whole; I wanted to be the girl who took her time about it, but in the end; fixed herself. Maybe it was a puzzle with a million pieces, or maybe it was just fate snapping those pieces together, a little more every day. But it didn’t matter; because I was going to find out. Separation has taught me a lot of things: That I don’t do well on my own. It’s easier to break without that someone around. And, that however much I want to, I can’t fix myself on my own. Which was why, even as the sweet flurries of snow continued to fall around me, the car park continued to be abandoned with my own as a lone car. I started the engine up properly, shifted gears and slowly – but surely – began to roll out of the car park that I most likely wouldn’t see again. But I wasn’t going home: I was going to rehab. And however long it took, however many tears I shed and sleepless nights I endured; I was going to do it. I was going to let other people help me fix myself.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N.
ahh hii
so this was kind of a filler, but it gave you a lot of information you needed to know;)
Coldplay's fix you because I just love Coldplay and it relates and stuff ok. Well I love most music but yes.
Omg so you have to listen to Little Lady by Ed Sheeran feat Mikill Pane. It's like one of my all time favourite songs ahh. Omg right yesterday I had Crew Love Conor Maynard's version on repeat all day and I listened to it 235 times;o legennddd
So this morning I had to go shopping for school stuff (cringe) and me and my sister needed some new trainers for P.E and I got mine but my sister couldn't find any in her size and the only ones that were in her size were the same as mine and I was like no thank you bro. My Mum was like "Emily its not like you're gonna have the same lessons as her, is it, you'll never see her." And I was like "Mother, we're not twins, we can't have the same clothes, shoes or anything." Why is that so hard to understand -_-
so anyway.
Ashley's getting independent;)
see you laters bro.
voteee comment etc love you.
-Emily.