Emily in London – Christmastime
"Emily, wake up."
I groaned and turned over on the mattress, pretending I was at home. "Go away, it's too early for this shit."
"Well I'll just let the nurse come find you then." Kelani mouthed back to me.
I shot right up at hearing that. I'd been there a few times, and it wasn't fun. On the days a nurse came to find me, life was hard at this rehab place. While I had come to the realization that I had a problem a few months ago, it wasn't any easier to choose recovery everyday.
"That's what I thought." Kelani said smugly as she turned to walk out the doorway. I rolled my eyes and threw on Emmett's sweatshirt. Even after almost 4 months here, it was the most comfortable thing I had.
After the usual conversation during vitals ("Can I see my weight yet?" "No, Emily, not yet.") I went down to breakfast. I found Kelani talking to the new person in the facility. Her purple hair stood out as I glanced down.
"-get's easier. Take it from Emily here." I kept moving towards the line for food, thanking the nurse for my sheet. Yogurt WITH granola, a piece of fruit, and some toast with butter. And still an ensure. I wasn't thrilled with the butter part on the toast, but I wanted my coffee badly today. I picked up a vanilla ensure, and moved back towards Kelani.
"Emily, this is Jaycee. I saw her sitting by herself, and came to make friends. She's Rebecca's new roommate." I saw Kelani wince, but purple hair didn't seem to notice. Rebecca had a tendency to be blunt towards any new people in here.
"Hi." She mumbled quietly.
"Hello, Jaycee. I'm Emily, from Florida in the states." I said as I sat down.
My god, I thought to myself. Emmett would have a field day if he heard me refer to The United States as "The States."
"I'm from here in London," She continued to mumble. "But I don't belong here. I belong with my family, spending the holidays with them." So she was one of those. I can't say much though, because up until a month into my stay, so was I.
"Don't we all." Kelani said with an eye-roll. She seems to have woken up on the extra sassy side of her bed this morning.
"I was like that, too. Kelani was right though, it does get easier." I reassured her. She didn't look too reassured or enthused, but I ignored that. "Also, word of advice, they pat you down before you leave."
Jaycee's eyes got wide, probably wondering how I read her mind. I just shrugged, and finished off my toast. I learned a trick from Aisha last month before she left. Finish the most unpleasant food first. It's gone, and gives you the best chance at a positive meal.
I had to sit with her and the nurses after a particularly bad meal where I threw up in a bathroom after I was done. I had eaten until I was sick, but the nurses thought I had done it purposely. Now I sit with nurses after every meal, despite my protests that I wasn't ever going do that again. It was unpleasant enough the first time, and the second time isn't any better. It wasn't a pleasant phone call with Emmett when I had to tell him that Dr. Pulitz had added Bulima to my diagnoses. I didn't hear from him for a week and a half after that. I've never done it again, nor have I had any urge to, but the diagnosis is there. At least now I know I can if I ever actually wanted to.
I finished half my ensure and felt the overly full feeling that I've grown accustomed to. Dr. Pulitz said that it's normal to feel this way, as I regained my sense of hunger. While I was especially glad when they finally removed the feeding tube a few weeks ago, I was disappointed to find that the full feeling after eating didn't go away. I constantly felt bloated, and tried not to think about it for the hour I had to sit with the nurses. They tried to make small talk with me while I sat there, but today I wasn't in the mood. Tomorrow was the day Emmett normally called, and I just wanted to hear his voice already.
I was jumpy by the time I got to group with Flower Crown, and Kelani noticed.
"Calm down there, speed racer, or a nurse will notice." She said with a pointed look at my leg that was tapping up and down. I tried to put a hand on the leg, but I couldn't stop moving it. I was starting to get frustrated about my nerves and that I couldn't do anything to help them. Emmett had gone to a testing center for his asthma, and he was going to tell me the results when he called tomorrow. When tomorrow, I had no idea.
"Can anyone tell me their favorite part of the holidays?" Flower Crown asked. "Emily?"
"Obviously not the food." I deadpanned. The group laughed, but Flower Crown was not impressed.
"Your warning, Emily." She advised. I merely shrugged and continued to try to control my leg as she turned to call on someone else.
When no one else offered an insight, Flower Crown continued to speak. I only half listened as I worried about Emmett's test results. His entire life has revolved around soccer, even after his asthma diagnosis. He was constantly either at practice or playing for a team somewhere in the northern half of Florida. As his twin, I knew that not only would not being able to play soccer crush him, but he wouldn't listen to the doctor telling him not to play anymore. As much as I knew it hurt him to see me here, it hurt me to see him not listening to the doctors. These were his lungs, and he only gets one set of those.
"Emily, could you show us what's on your paper today?" Flower Crown implored. I turned my paper around to show everyone a blank slate.
"Obviously nothing, since my paper is blank." I snarked at her.
She pointed at the door. "Go find your safe place, 5 minutes."
I pushed back from the table and quickly went out the door, Nurse Olivia following me. I kicked a trash can outside the door and sat down at the conveniently-located bench.
"Stupid safe place," I grumbled. "I don't need to find my safe place right now. I need to get out of here."
Nurse Olivia looked at me calmly. "It's been awhile since I've heard you say that, Emily. Is something going on outside of these walls today?"
"Yes something is going on!" I exploded. It was like the cork in a shaken bottle had just given way. "My stupid twin brother went and pushed himself too hard again, and now needs to go for stupid testing for his goddamn lungs again! We've all warned him so many times to take things slow, and what does he do? Cranks his practices up a notch, cranked his stupidity up a notch, all for what? To ruin his lungs?"
I was breathing hard at the end of my rant, but Nurse Olivia still had the same unaffected look on her face.
That look propelled me to continue to rant. "Meanwhile, I'm stuck here at this stupid rehab, across an ocean from him, and I can't even be there for him! I can't be the twin sister he needs because I'm here. I'm fucking here, being the not perfect twin that he needs me to be for him." I realized I was crying by the time I was finished talking. Nurse Olivia moved to sit next to me.
"Do you really think he needs a perfect sister with him?" She asked gently. When I continued to cry, she kept talking. "Emmett needs his sister to be healthy and strong, so she can go back to The States and support him. He doesn't want perfection."
I stared at her, a little dumbfounded. It never occurred to me that he didn't want perfect. I didn't have to be that person. If I wasn't staring at her, I would've missed the muttered part at the end.
"Trust me, I know."
"You know?" I repeated incredulously.
"I suffered the same way as you are, Emily." She smiled at me. "I was a patient here, too."
She refused to say anything more about it, instead guiding me back into Art Therapy to think on that.
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"Emily, Did'ja hear Did'ja hear Did'ja hear?!" Kelani asked, racing towards me during our evening freetime.
"Kelani, slow it down a little bit." The nurse at the station called.
Kelani rolled her eyes, but continued to walk towards me with a vigor.
I laughed as I responded that I hadn't heard about whatever it was.
"We're going to the London Ballet tomorrow to see The Nutcracker! On Christmas!" She was practically screaming with excitement at this point, rolling her eyes again as the nurse told her to tone it down a notch. But she, too, had a smile on her face.
I was stunned. Tomorrow was already Christmas? It made sense, since the tree was up in the common room. I guess I just haven't been paying much attention.
I must've had a look on my face, because Kelani visibly deflated. "Are you not excited?"
"No, I'm excited." I told her, trying to make up for her sudden mood drop. "I just didn't realize that tomorrow was already Christmas." It made me miss home even more.
Her mood picked back up as soon as I said I was excited. "It'll be great, you'll see!" She raced off to tell the next group of people, even though they all heard her first announcement.
I smiled after her, thinking about the old traditions Emmett and I have. Especially the Beatles Christmas album. Maybe I can get him to play it for me over the phone. Christmas is my favorite time of year, especially because of all the joy people display. The past year or two have been a little subdued, because I had been worried about the dinners we usually had, and how I could get around eating them. I was still concerned this year, but I knew that the rehab would serve us in proper servings, and I probably would only eat half of it, anyway. I wouldn't be over-served, and I wouldn't have to calculate the calories going into my body on the fly. My spirits truly started to lift as I realized that I could enjoy Christmas this year. Even as I went to sleep that night, the broad smile I had, knowing that Santa was somewhere above us and that tomorrow would be better than the past few Christmas', hadn't faded away.
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I was wide awake at 7am, like usual on Christmas morning. The pale light coming through the window was my only indicator that it was that early. I knew that I could have an hour to myself, but I couldn't help it.
"Kelani! Wake up, it's Christmas!" I practically shouted as I jumped on her bed. She groaned and turned away from me, sputtering awake.
"Emily, what the hell?" She moaned at me.
"Emmett's not here, so you'll do for my Christmas morning tradition" I informed her as I got off her bed.
"Gee, thanks." She said sarcastically. But she sat up, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She turned to me and smiled. "Who knew you were such a festive person."
I made a face at her. "Only on Christmas morning." My default setting had been grumpy for a long time, and I wasn't ready to change that setting back yet.
"I wonder if we get any presents today." Kelani wondered as she got up to use the bathroom.
The nurse leaned in, attracted by all my yelling. "Your parents were allowed to send two, you'll get them after breakfast." She smiled on her way back out the door, now satisfied that there was no emergency happening in our room.
After vitals ("Today?" "No Emily." "But c'mon, it's Christmas!" "Have a good day today.") and breakfast, we all settled in the common room getting ready to open our presents. There were also stockings set up on a wall with everyone's names on it, so we could get our Santa presents. We all knew that it was from the rehab, but it brought some fun in the air. Just as they started handing them out, a nurse came in.
"Emily? Phone call."
I got up, confused because everyone at home should be asleep right now.
"Hello?" I said into the phone.
The first strains of The Beatles Christmas album played through the phone, and I smiled broadly.
"Emmett!" I bellowed. "This is my favorite!" I took my volume down a notch when I got a look from the nurse.
"Yeah, sis, I know." I could hear a smile in his voice. "It's not Christmas unless The Beatles are playing, right?"
I felt tears start to well up in my eyes. Ever since Mom and Dad stopped living with us, we'd play this album to make the house feel less quiet on Christmas morning. At this point, it's sacred tradition, one that's never broken. We'd play this while the coffee was brewing and we were admiring the tree with the gifts under it. And now, even in London, we were still listening, like we were reunited again. And then I realized.
"Emmett, it's like 4am there, what are you doing awake?" I asked, more than a bit puzzled.
"Em, you always listen first thing Christmas morning. So I called at the first time you're allowed phone calls."
There go more tears. "Emmett, you could've waited until it was a proper time for you!" I laughed through my tears. "Thank you, this means the world to me."
"Of course, anything for you. Now go open your gifts, I know what Mom and Dad got you." He said laughing.
After goodbyes and I love you's, we hung up, and I trudged back to the common room, where people had opened their presents. Mine were small, sitting unwrapped next to Kelani, who was gazing in awe at her first present.
"Look what my parents got me!" She practically squealed as I sat down next to her. She held up a new digital camera. Kelani was fascinated with photography, and took photos any chance she got. It was exciting to see her so thrilled. I smiled towards her, and looked at my own presents. I couldn't imagine what was in there. One told me it was from my parents, and one told me it was from Emmett. I was surprised, and suddenly very thankful.
"Well don't just stare at them, Newbie!" Rebecca called across the room. She turned back to her presents as Nurse Olivia gave her a look.
I took her advice, and started opening the present from my parents, first. What I found was astounding.
"An iPod?" Kelani breathed next to me. "You gotta share that when you're allowed to use it!"
Using an iPod was the next privilege I was allowed, and I was close to it, too. I pressed the button, and all my music from my iPod at home was already uploaded. I felt like cheering, I've missed my music. I turned to the present from Emmett, having no idea what he could've bought for me. I unwrapped the paper slowly, careful not to tear it.
Inside I found a coloring book with inspirational quotes. On the inside cover, he had taped a picture of the two of us from awhile back. We were at our 8thbirthday party, at a pizza restaurant. We each were holding up a slice of cheese pizza, the cheese starting to slide off and the end drooping down. We had our arms around each other, smiling huge to whoever took our picture. That was my favorite birthday, right before our parents became distant. We were still one big happy family, with nightly dinners, and vacations, and we all lived under the same roof. A few months later Dad got a job that had him in New York all the time, and a few months after that, Mom moved with him. We were kept under the watchful eye of a nanny until 15, when Emmett put his foot down, and declared that we were old enough to take care of ourselves. After that was when my disordered eating began.
"I love this." I whispered. I would have to call him back after dinner to thank him. I lived and breathed inspirational quotes since I accepted that I needed to be here, and the picture from home is exactly what I need to make it another 6 months here.
"Alright, ladies," Nurse Olivia began. "It's time to get ready to go to the ballet. Please return to your rooms, you will be called once we're ready to leave."
I beat Kelani to our room with my coloring book, having gave the iPod to the nurses. Nurse Olivia gave me a smile, saying I could listen to it after dinner. Kelani was taking an extra minute with her second gift. A beautiful, heavy-looking, gold oval locket was nestled in a black-cushioned box. She came in wearing it, as well as her camera around her neck.
"This was my grandmothers." She said quietly. I pretended not to see the tear stains on her face. "She died almost 6 months back, right after I first got here. I never got to say goodbye."
Her tears started fresh and her voice cracked on the last word. I hurried across our room to give her a hug.
"You're getting better." I reminded her. "Your grandma would be incredibly proud of you. Your discharge is in a week, and you've already told me that you were doing this for her, if not for yourself yet."
Kelani pulled out of the hug and looked at me, saying what I least expected to hear. "You're getting better, too. I've seen it." I must've looked at her oddly, but she continued without noticing. "And you're right. Now I'm doing this for myself, but she would be proud of my accomplishments in here. I want to be better, and live without this fear of food."
I smiled at her, excited for her future beyond the rehab.
"Ladies, time to go." A nurse said, passing our door.
We both jumped into motion, putting on real shoes and grabbing the winter coats we had hanging in our closets. Those going on the trip were rowdy when we got to the doors leading outside, all excited about the presents we got. Kelani and I stayed quiet, even as we sat next to each other in the van.
For the longest time, hope for the future was lost on me. I figured I'd just have to live this way forever, until I died of it. At first, I couldn't realize I had a problem. I was "health conscious," and I was training my body to be so. After being here, I realized that health conscious wasn't starving myself into submission. I saw beauty in the world, and how things would be okay. But that didn't make the fight any easier. My mind (and what I soon realized was my eating disorder) wanted to be health conscious, even though I didn't want to be anymore. I wanted to eat pizza again, and not count calories, and have tons of popcorn while Emmett and I watched movies. It's still a fight to find that acceptable.
My thoughts were interrupted as we got out of the van and proceeded into the theatre. I made my way to our seats, and let the other girls talk around me as we waited for the show to begin. I overheard Kelani talking about her plans for when she was discharged next week, and I almost felt jealous. Jealous, because I was ready to do those things. I felt excited for the future, and for making plans when I got back. To get pizza with Emmett, to binge Netflix with him, to be back in school. I was cleared to do school work starting in January, so I could be caught up to my peers in Florida. But I was excited to get back to my life, my brother, and my best friends. For the first time in a long time, I felt hopeful.
"Merry Christmas." I whispered to myself, happy and hopeful as the opening music for the Nutcracker sounded around us.