Aaina.
My heart pounded in my chest, my body filled with anxiety as I thought about all the things that could happen.
My head throbbed with all the things that had happened in the past few days as I tried to come up with a logical explanation as to why Zaydaan would react in such a bad manner.
I was hurt by his words, but I was scared as hell too.
There was a bitter taste in the back of my mouth that I couldn't seem to get rid of, as I bit my tongue.
Upon entering the vicinity of my house, I spotted my mother, standing near the garden while giving instructions to the maali chacha, our gardener.
Her eyes scanned the area as she sensed the cars and security.
And then she saw me.
A huge smile spread on her face as we reached near her, but it turned into a nervous one when she observed my husband.
Obviously, Zaydaan looked like he could crush a man's skull with his bare hands.
She gulped, eyes glancing at me and then at him.
"Zaydaan? Come on in,"
She still invited as we entered the house. I realised that he had not even bothered to say a simple Salam.
He always greeted with a salam, it was clearly something major.
"How are you? Why didn't you tell me before coming?"
She whispered in my ear.
I wanted to tell her that even I had no idea that we were going to come here.
But at the same time, I didn't want to share anything with a mother who had done nothing to protect me, who took no stand for me, who had not even tried to console me or asked father to atleast give me some time.
She had simply started to prepare for the freaking wedding. I was angry at her but even telling her that would do her or me no good.
"Call Saira, tell her api is here."
She yelled at one of our maids who scurried off upstairs, footsteps making loud sounds.
Zaydaan turned to look at my mother, almost glaring at her.
"Where's Imran Sahab?" He questioned as if he was at the end of his patience.
My mother still politely smiled at him.
"He's in his study, I'll send someon-" She hadn't even completed her sentence when my husband stormed up the stairs, not looking back.
I didn't know if there was something personal regarding me that had pissed him off, or if it was something political related to my father.
My curiosity and anxiety were walking side by side in my head.
Ammi looked at me with a sudden fear.
"What happened, Aaina?"
"I don't know, ammi. We were having a good time and then I think his father called him and after that he got so angry."
I told her the truth. She frowned.
"Ya Allah, didn't you ask?"
I wanted to tell her that the man she had got me married to actually threatened to throw me out of the car if I asked him any question.
I wanted to tell her that he was angry and I had no idea why, I wanted to tell her that she had got me married to a man who would probably never love me.
Instead, I bit my tongue.
"He was too angry, I couldn't." I mumbled.
It was not until I was engulfed in a hug by my sister that I remembered a way to understand what was happening.
"Saira!" I exclaimed, a sudden relief coursing through my veins upon seeing her in flesh.
Talking to her over the phone was one thing but meeting up with her, it was completely different.
"Aapi, kesi ho ap? I missed you so much. I know we talk everyday but seeing you in flesh-"
She started to ramble out too, her own feelings the same as mine but there was no time for this conversation.
"Wait, what are you even doing here, I ca-" I shushed her.
"Can we like go upstairs? Ammi, I'll be back." I excused myself, running up the stairs with my sister.
My mother wanted to stop us, she was highly confused herself but I gave her no time.
"Okay, tell me. How's he treating you? What's been up?" She started to question me.
I appreciated and liked her concern but now was not the time for me to start rambling out my sob story.
"Not now Saira, you remember that staircase where we used to hide? Behind abbu's study? We have to go there."
I didn't have the guts to go all alone, at least she would be with me, if we ever got caught.
"Wait, why?"
I dragged her with me, not responding to her query.
"Just, come on."
As we reached the store, we walked into the smaller store room where a staircase led to the old storage upstairs.
Behind the stairs, was a wooden door. Even though it was always locked and we couldn't see anything from the glass in between, we could hear each and everything clearly.
As kids, both Saira and I would come and listen to abbu's conversations. We would later on mimic it out.
It was something we would do for fun, now, however it was for another reason.
"Sshh, don't say a word of this to anyone."
She nodded.
"And make sure nobody comes up, will you guard the door for me?"
I whispered to her as she gazed at me with confusion but nodded anyway. I put my ear near the door.
"I'm not lying, Zaydaan. My loyalties lie with you."
My father's panicked voice reached my ears and my heart thudded in my chest.
"Then why were you spotted with the Chaudhrys? Why were you having dinner with them?" I had never heard anyone talk to my father in this way.
In this rude and absolutely straightforward way. It was shocking.
"They invited me and I had to go."
"And you did not bother to tell us about it? Are you really gambling with us?" My husband's voice got higher with each sentence while my father's lowered.
"Zaydaan, listen to me."
"No! You listen to me, this matter is not political anymore, it's personal."
What matter? What was going on?
"Do you really not care about your daughter? Do you really think that your daughter will be given love and respect in that house if you fuck us up?!"
My heart pounded deep in my chest, fear creeping in my heart. If something ever happened, if my father ever did something wrong, would I take the hit?
Was I going to be the punchbag? Was I, a prisoner in that house? Waiting for my punishment if father did something wrong?
"Are you really going to gamble all of that just because they promised you something? They're not in power, they are not going to be in power."
His voice was so confident. They, the Chaudhrys? He meant. The opposition party? Was Zaydaan right? Was abbu meeting with them as well?
But why? He had promised to help the current Prime Minister. Then why would he go and meet up with them?
It didn't make sense to me.
"I know that, I understand this world." I could hear the anger in my father's tone as well.
The anger he was trying to conceal.
"You might understand it but you don't know how to play the game."
My husband shot back.
"Haven't you heard? When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die, there is no middle ground."
Was he really quoting game of thrones in the middle of such an intense conversation?
"Imran Sahab, I have your daughter now. Trust me, I won't hesitate in making her life a living hell if you dare to cross us."
And that's when my anxiety got even more high. I actually shivered at the way he said it.
I was someone he could torture if things went bad. That's what he meant, right? Was he threatening my dad by using me?
"Zaydaan, how dare you talk about my daughter like that? How can you stoop that low?"
"I'm steeping low? You are the one who proposed her marriage because you didn't trust us enough to give you what you really wanted."
"You sold your daughter for power and we took her in for money. You do not talk about stooping low."
I felt like an object. I was an object in their eyes. The words nikah, marriage, love, they meant nothing to him. Or to my father.
Sold. My husband telling my father how he sold his daughter was the worst thing I could have ever heard.
The wet tears came out of my eyes as soon as I heard Zaydaan.
I wanted to be respected and cherished. I didn't want to be talked about this way.
I didn't know if I could hate Zaydaan or not, but I truly hated my father. Atleast Zaydaan didn't know me, he hadn't spent his life with me, but my father had.
How could abbu take care of me for twenty two years and then sell me? For power? For money? For what?
My heart broke for the daughter that I was. The daughter that I am.
"What do you want?" I heard my father say next.
"Come to the office tomorrow, tell the chaudhrys that you don't want anything to do with them. That your loyalties lie with us and us only."
My father didn't reply, maybe he had nodded his head. I truly wished I could see their faces, the looks on their faces as they talked about selling me. And making my life a living hell.
"Oh and one more thing." Zaydaan's voice broke out.
"Aaina is innocent and pure, but I'm not. I'll destroy her if you ever pulled some shit like this."
Aaina is pure and innocent. But I'm not.
I'll destroy her.
Maybe I was on the path of getting destroyed, then. Maybe my marriage with Zaydaan was the biggest mistake my dad ever made.
"Zaydaan. Don't threaten me."
I knew abbu was at the end of his patience.
"Don't provoke me." He shot back.
I stood up. I couldn't deal with this. I could not do this.
"Come on now, your daughter is home. Won't you go and meet her? Hmm?"
I rushed out of the door, I had to be in the room before abbu's arrival.
I just didn't realise that even though my sister was standing far away, she still had heard everything.
Apparently, I was so consumed in listening to them, I hadn't realised she had heard each and every word as well.
And she had tears in her eyes too.
"Saira, let's go." I tried to move her.
Her tears leaked out.
"Stop the tears, we can't cry. Okay, deep breath."
Even though I was trying to calm her down, I was crying and heaving myself. I was stuck. I couldn't do anything. One mistake by my father and I would have to face the wrath. I would be getting destroyed.
My life would become a living hell.
"Aapi, I'm not crying. You are."
Saira accused but I knew that both of us were on the verge of sitting down and sobbing out loud.
Saira, because she couldn't see me in pain. And I, because the two most important men in any girl's life, father and husband were the ones that were going to ruin my life.
"Is he really that horrible?" Saira questioned as we reached our room, I quickly wiped out the mascara that had spread under my eyes.
I tried to look fresh. But I looked the opposite.
I didn't know how to tell Saira. Who was Zaydaan? I just didn't know myself.
"I don't know what he is. Today, he was so nice. He kissed me and he meant it, he made me smile and I made him happy. And then something happened and he got so angry, you have no idea."
"He's so complicated, Saira."
I told her all that I couldn't tell on phone.
"He will have a problem with everything at times, I went horse riding with his brother and he yelled at me for it. He told me he has no time for love in his life, he is just,"
I couldn't complete my words. So I just hugged my sister. She was the only one I could trust. I couldn't trust my nine year old brother who was at boarding school, I could not trust my mother, I couldn't trust my father and Zaydaan? I didn't know what to think of him.
My heart hurt thinking about it all.
My heart hurt that people could do that to other people. That even family could be so betraying.
I had accepted whatever my father had told me to do. But today, he had accepted selling me as a bait, using me to make a personal relationship so both parties wouldn't betray each other. I was used like an object.
He didn't give a damn about me being a first lady.
Since, I couldn't speak anything, trying to stop the tears and the feeling of unworthiness, my sister held my shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Aapi. Why don't you stay here? Atleast for a day?"
If only staying here was an option. I could stay here with my sister and not look at my father's face. Not even my mother's.
But I couldn't.
I could just not. Maybe, I could ask Zaydaan. Maybe, he wanted some time away from me too.
As my mind just thought of Zaydaan, the door got knocked.
"Aaina, come out. We're leaving."
My sister gasped at his voice. Zaydaan.
Not contemplating about anything, I walked out after taking a deep breath.
"I'm scared," Saira was the one who said it.
She was scared of him? And I had to go with him right now.
If she was scared, I was fucking terrified.
'I would make your daughter's life a living hell.'
That thought made me choke on fear.
"Just, wait here. Okay?" I whispered to her and she nodded as I walked out, closing the door.
My husband stood right outside, in the same coat that he looked so charming in, before. With the same blank look on his face, except that his eyes were angry.
If I had wanted to be close to him a few hours ago, now, I was too scared to be close to him.
"Let's go." He said.
"I don't want to go." I blurted out, almost feeling like I was going to pass out.
"What?"
The look in his eyes, the shock that I had said no to him, it was actually there. Something beside anger.
"I want to stay with my sister, tonight."
I stated a little too confidently.
"No, not tonight."
I wanted to tell him that I didn't need his permission. But the truth was, I did. I needed it. I wasn't just his wife, I was his bait, his prisoner.
"Zaydaan, please. You're angry tonight, and I think that-" He interrupted me, holding my wrist in the most tight grip he had ever held me in.
"I'm waiting in the car, meet your sister and come out."
Then, he let me go.
So I had to go inside and meet Saira, and leave the house again.
But this time, I didn't say bye to my parents. My mother looked hurt, my father looked like he couldn't care less.
--
If scaring someone in silence was a term, my husband would be it's example.
His silent demeanor and his flat face, made my nerves rise up. At the same time, my mind kept thinking about all that I had heard back home, back at my father's home.
In a home, people were supposed to love and protect you, they will not supposed to use you for their personal gain.
And my husband?
I genuinely thought that we had taken a step ahead, that we had moved a little further, maybe he had finally realised my value, I could say things, I could make him happy, I could answer with facts and intelligence, I could be a good wife and so he could be a good husband.
But no matter what happened between us, if one day my father did something that went against his wishes or liking, I would be the one suffering the wrath.
"I saw your shadow, I know you listened to the whole conversation."
Honestly, I felt nothing as he said that. In fact, I was relieved that he had seen me.
"Okay." I replied, choosing to not say anything else.
"That's all?" He questioned, glancing at me.
"I'm sorry." I said back, without even thinking.
That's what he wanted, right? He wanted me to apologize all that I had done and all that I had not done.
But he didn't accept my apology, instead he sighed.
"Don't think about what I said. Sometimes, I use someone's weakness to get things done."
Upon hearing this words, I turned my head to look at him. Was he seriously giving this explanation?
Atleast he's giving an explanation, Aaina.
"Even if that weakness is your wife?" I enquired, he didn't look at me as he drove.
His face didn't seem apologetic. I didn't expect him to be apologetic anyway. He wasn't of that type.
"Yes. Even then."
I looked away.
He doesn't care Aaina. You have to remember that.
My subconscious reminded me.
I stayed quiet for a while, so did he. Infact, as we drove all I could hear was silence.
How could a day, that had started off so good, turned into my heart hurting so bad that I wanted to cry.
"It was a good day. Today should have been a good day." I said after a while.
One of the best feelings in the world is knowing that you’re wanted, knowing that someone wants to talk to you, that someone wants to know you, that someone cares about you.
I wanted that feeling. I wanted to know how it felt to be wanted.
But how could that ever happen? My knot was tied with a man who wanted to make my life a living hell.
I wanted Zaydaan to love me, I just didn't think he was capable of loving me.
Suddenly, the car stopped and I looked at him as he took out his cell phone.
"Sami? Get this icecream place cleared out, will you?" He said over the phone to his head of security.
Then, he put his phone away.
Sometimes, it felt like I was moving in slow motion, that the world was moving too fast and I was in a place where I didn't know where to go.
My husband was so complicated, so confusing but my heart always beat so fast around him. I craved his touch and his attention, but I feared him too.
He confused me, he intimidated me.
I didn't ask him why we were waiting outside an icecream place, I knew why. He wanted to talk, I just didn't understand how he would explain the things that he had said.
Finally, Sami came around the car, gesturing us to come out. We got out of the car, and stood in front of a tiny icecream parlour, like it was an undiscovered place.
As we entered along with the security, I looked around to see the small cozy room.
A few booths were placed around us, the security sat a few booths away from us while Sami and two others stood outside, guarding the place.
"A pistachio, double scoop and a caramel cappuccino, Add nuts."
Zaydaan ordered the waiter who looked like he was going to faint. His pale skin and shocked eyes made my own self feel awkward.
But what really caught by attention was the fact that he had ordered for me. And not just any icecream flavour, but my favourite one.
I never told him..
How did he know?
"How do you know I like pistachio?" I questioned him out loud. He smiled at me like everything was okay.
Like he had not just said that he was going to destroy me, in front of my father.
"I also know that your favourite color is red, you love brownies and you can't stand the idea of pineapple on pizza."
There was something that tingled in my heart, a feeling of excitement and warmth. As if his words were soothing.
He knew things about me, he observed me. Was that not care? What was care, anyway? Life wasn't a movie. I couldn't expect good things. I had to be okay with whatever was being thrown my way.
Right?
I didn't ask Zaydaan how he knew it, since I hadn't told him. I just looked down, my mind and my heart at war.
"Look at me," He suddenly said.
I didn't look at him.
"Aaina, look at me."
This time, I listened to him, looking up.
What was it with Zaydaan that had got me attached in such a short time? Was it because I had never faced male intimacy before, was it because I was married to him or was it because he always seemed so far away from me, even when he was so close to me.
Zaydaan Ziagil was a scary mystery, one that I couldn't seem to understand.
How was it, that the anger in his eyes had changed into care and tenderness? How was it that him looking so deeply at my face had made me want to kiss him right there and forget all that he had said?
"What did I tell you? What's the one thing that matters to me?" He whispered, putting his finger on my cheek, dragging his it across softly.
"Loyalty." I said instantly, leaning into his touch.
"Your father made a promise, and he broke it. How do you think that made me feel?"
"Angry." I answered without any hesitation. He nodded, and then looked at me.
"Betrayed." He corrected.
His fingers left my face and his hand now held mine. Somehow, he didn't stop touching me. Maybe, he wanted to develop a feeling of trust when he talked to me. Maybe, he wanted to make me feel more comfortable.
"If you don't threaten someone, they manage to break their promises, their deals."
He told me. It seemed like he had an explanation prepared especially for me. I still couldn't understand him though.
"I won't punish you for your father's doings. Words are just words." He remarked.
I let out a sad smile.
"Some words are hurtful, Zaydaan."
I tried to get my hand off his grip, but he refused to shake it away. Instead, he tightened his grip.
"You told me that you won't hesitate in throwing me out of the car, how do you think that made me feel?"
For a moment, he seemed to ponder over something.
I ate my icecream, letting the pistachio flavour savour my senses in this cold weather.
"Tell me something." He suddenly said.
"Yeah?"
"When someone is angry, should you be asking them questions?"
"I-" He interrupted before I could even answer him.
"Do you think that a person who is enraged needs to answer each and every question?"
I remained quiet. Zaydaan seemed irritated now, as if his patience was at loss now.
"How many times did I tell you to not say a word at that time?"
Zaydaan's angry side was slowly coming back, so I gulped. I wanted the calm husband of mine, the one who was explaining things to me just a while back.
"Twice." I replied.
"No, thrice. And what did you do? You still asked me, what happened?"
He shot back.
Maybe he was right, I shouldn't have poked him like that. I had learned my lesson though.
"I was worried, I couldn't control myself." I pronounced.
He chuckled, leaning away.
"I understand. I was also angry then. Do you understand?"
I had no response to that. He was trying to justify what he had said by using my own words against me.
He was a shrewd politician. I understood that.
"As I said, words are just words. Don't you think it's your fault for pushing me for an answer when I just wanted some quiet?"
I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to accuse him of being a jerk and I couldn't accept that he was blaming it on me.
"I don't think that it's my fault." I uttered.
He stood up, and so did the security. I put the half eaten icecream away but Zaydaan held his coffee mug, drinking the beverage.
"Is it mine then?" He questioned as we started to walk outside.
"I don't know."
I knew what he wanted me to say. He wanted me to tell him that I wouldn't poke him again, that I would let him deal with his anger and remain quiet.
I had learned that much.
Zaydaan stopped mid way, putting his hand on my shoulder.
"Yes, you do. Tell me."
He said it as if it was an order. But whatever it was, I seemed to comply it.
"I won't push you when you're angry, Zaydaan."
He smiled, satisfied as he heard my response.
"Good."
His smile, it always affected me.
I had once read that when you were in the process of loving someone, it never felt beautiful. Infact, it always felt a little too overwhelming, that it breathes a different air into your lungs, but with me, it was different.
I was trying to love Zaydaan and I wanted him to love me. And because of that, I was slowly agreeing with everything he wanted me to do or say.
"Are you cold?" He suddenly asked.
It was quite chilly, but I shook my head.
"It's fine,"
He shook his head, at first I thought he was going to give me his jacket, instead he took out a shawl from the car.
A shawl I didn't even see before.
"Better?" I wore it around myself, feeling much warm.
This time, Zaydaan wasn't the one driving the car. Infact, we had even switched our cars.
He sat first, and then I sat beside him. His hands reached out, pulling me by his side. I didn't hesitate in putting my head on his shoulder.
"One more thing, Aaina."
"Yeah?" I questioned as I felt his mouth near my ear.
"Don't ever gossip about me with your sister again. Understood?" He whispered.
"Yes."
And I understood it clearly. Zaydaan had his eyes and ears everywhere.
Another day where he had left me confused to the core and yet I had never felt so wanted in my life as I did at the end of that day.