NOTES:
-Updates every Sunday and Thursday
-You can find this story in Archive Of Our Own
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It was, indeed, beyond merciless. Cruel. Not only for the three trainees that had been eliminated so far, not only for the nine guys left, but for the new trainee as well. He came, indeed, in the worst timing.
Contrary to some trainees' beliefs, when he was offered the opportunity to join the competition, Changkyun didn't accept right away; he had always said rather than worrying, it is better to try it out first and then worry about the future later. This time, however, he took some days to consider it; he thought of Nu'Bility, and what it could've been; he thought of his members, his hyungs and his maknae, they all deserved to debut, to have a second chance; he thought of his family, their struggle, their dreams of him becoming a scientist; he thought of himself, the entertainment industry, his dreams to become a known rapper. This opportunity presented to him, was his last chance to become an idol. And that's why he accepted, for himself, for his happiness. Starship called him in without explaining what they had prepared for him, but whatever it was, he would take the chance.
He was explained about him joining No Mercy just as they were coming into the restaurant. The matter was, Changkyun came to the show only some hours after Minkyun had been eliminated, and K.Will didn't prepared him for the trainees' reaction on his sudden arrival.
Not all of them looked up as Changkyun came into the room, but they all stopped eating, having lost their appetite. Only some of them bowed, the rest huffed or smirked turning their heads away. It was more than clear that they weren't pleased with his presence, Changkyun would hear them express their feelings later when the episode was aired, and it wouldn't hurt less than if they'd said those words to his face.
I didn't want to look at the new kid's face..
I can't think anything else but 'this is unfair.'
This isn't his spot, so what's he doing here?
He couldn't hear his own words greeting the trainees, the blood rushing in his ears. Not remembering being told, he was already sitting in the table with them, the most awkward moment he'd been through.
Changkyun understood why he was being ignored, he was not stupid and wasn't expecting them to accept him right away; however the trainees couldn't hide their feelings even behind their covered faces, their raged glances making him feel way smaller. He could almost hear their thoughts behind his own anxiety.
I felt like he was freeloading on what we've set up so far..
I was too upset, I was in a terrible mood, I lost my appetite and all...
What else can we do but hate right now?
And then K.Will left. He throw him to the wolves and left. The guys started making sarcastic comments on the situation that did nothing to light the tense atmosphere. Guilt filled Changkyun when one of them said he even felt sick; but it wasn't really his fault, he didn't know he'd be introduced to them in the middle of their dinner, he had no intention to ruin their meal.
"You came at the worst timing," Wonho was the one to finally address him directly.
"We can't really welcome you right now," said Kihyun.
The right timing when they'd have welcome him would've been months before the show even started. However Changkyun appreciated Kihyun gentle tone.
"Because we lost Minkyun yesterday" he continued, his statement being news for the youngest since the episode hadn't been aired yet, "and to think you replaced him, we can't quite be all nice to you." And Changkyun perfectly understood this, but it didn't help to make better the rest of the time before going back to the dorms.
~*~
At dorms he tried to get out of everyone's way in the reduced space, expecting one of them to show him were he'd be staying so he could busy himself with placing his stuff in his new home.
That's when they realized Minkyun had left while they were out eating BBQ and meeting the new trainee, and Changkyun just wanted to get out of there, feeling like an intruder. The rest of the guys gathered in the living room and talked about the situation, and about him, knowing that Changkyun was in the hall listening. It didn't matter, he just wanted the cameras to go away so he could pull out his phone and call one of his hyungs. They knew he did nothing wrong, and it was okay to be frustrated, all of them wanted to debut, so he expected them to at least let their emotions behind in front of the cameras. Kihyun stood up and told him to join them, but he didn't comeback once he sat down, and then the rest left one by one as well.
He knew it was difficult for them to open up to him, it was his duty to work to get along, even if they didn't want to be friends at first.
That didn't make his first night in the dorm any easier; the rapper went to bed with an empty stomach and an overwhelmed mind, the noise of the trainees who had decided to sleep together in the living room as background to the silence in the room he was currently trying to sleep in.
He was about to call Taehyuk when Kihyun came into the room to grab some blankets from the bed underneath him and left the door open as he went back to the living room, now the guys could see him. So Changkyun decided to decline on calling, and try and sleep.
The next morning at the company, Changkyun wasn't sure he'd ever get used to the cameras and staff watching his every move, and as soon as they weren't behind him in the building he received ill words and hear stupid rumors about his joining the show.
He was never promised a place in the debuting band, and he didn't payed in any way one of the producers to get this. He had been a trainee for over two years, he had almost debuted already, so he was able to get a place in the Starship family by himself.
~*~
Another trainee was eliminated.
And it wasn't Changkyun.
Of course the rapper was happy at not being eliminated right after joining the company and proving he could be better than Gunhee, but at the same time he felt inside the disappointment and frustration of the remaining eight trainees.
Yoonho had been so nice to him; and he had been a trainee for six years now.
You can't give up, he thought as Minhyuk pushed past him in their way out of the company.
"Shouldn't you stay here tonight? Some of us have trained for years for you to come without preparation and take our places."
The rapper stuttered in his steps but couldn't turn around and back into the building before a strong hand in his lower back pushed him forward, "We've all worked hard today, Minnie."
Minhyuk rolled his eyes at Hyunwoo words but let it go.
"Thank you," Changkyun followed Hyunwoo inside the dorms. Just like Kihyun, the eldest hadn't been exactly nice to Changkyun during his time in the show, but at least he wasn't being rude or taking out frustrations on him.
Hyungwon was pretty much ignoring him in front of the cameras, only demonstrating his displeasure when Changkyun wasn't in the room, the rapper had heard him talking with Minhyuk about him. The latter couldn't stand Changkyun's presence for more than a few minutes, which made breakfast time very awkward for everyone. Along Minhyuk, Wonho was the other one trainee that wouldn't care if Changkyun was going through hardships, controlling himself not to hit the rapper every time Changkyun messed up the choreography. Of course Seokwon wasn't calling him hyung, but he would smile to Changkyun when one of their hyungs complained about him in any way.
At the company, Jooheon was actually helping him with his rap, giving advise and helping him with the pronunciation, but in the dorms he was completely ignored by the older. The other rapper, Gunhee, was probably the only one being actually friendly after Yoonho was eliminated. Changkyun appreciated small gestures like encouraging words and him helping the younger when it was their turn to prepare the table or wash the dishes. He really appreciated to earn laughs and not punches or stares at his awkwardness while recording; they still didn't interact much with him but at least he felt more included.
"Can you place these in the table?"
The rapper nodded and took the dishes from Kihyun.
"Smells good Kihyun-ssi."
"Thanks."
"I'm starving," the visual line came into the kitchen greeting Kihyun.
"Where's the rest?"
Changkyun was silently paying attention to the conversation, enjoying the food Kihyun had prepared for dinner.
"Hyunwoo-hyung is in the gym, last time i checked Gun and Jooheonie were in the studio writing something but said they'll come early, and Seok decided to stay behind to practice some more."
Kihyun hummed at Hyungwon words and sat beside the youngest, where usually no one sat, and Changkyun noticed the rest was confused as well.
"What?" he asked with attention still on the food in front of him.
Wonho shook his head but glared at Changkyun, "Was the kid of any help to you today?"
Kihyun lifted his head and turned to Changkyun before shaking his head, "he came home right before you guys did."
"Where were you?" asked Hyungwon.
It was the first time they showed interest, and the rapper didn't know if they really wanted to know or they were up to something. It was their first free day since he arrived to Starship and he had decided to spend that time with his ex-members. But he was not ready to tell them about Nu'Bility, rumors around the company were lately on how he had messed up in his past company, it wouldn't make much sense if he told them he was still hanging out with them.
"I went out with some friends," he said half of the truth.
"You know you have to tell one of us where you are going before heading out, the managers would blame it on us if something happened to you," Wonho's tone was gentle, but Changkyun read between the lines, they didn't want to know he was safe, they needed to be sure the blame wouldn't be on them.
"Yes."
That night Changkyun went to bed while everyone else was watching a movie and eating pop corn in the living room; their laughs and loud voices reminded him of his days with Nu'Bility.
Changkyun had never felt more lonely.