Trigger Warning: Mentions of suicide
APOLOGIES SINCE I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN LITERAL YEARS. I'm so excited to be back, my new gf, sorry, fiance, is COMPLETELY SUPPORTIVE of my writing and it is so excited. She even reads them and stuff and OMG. :') i love her. hi babe I know you're reading this lol. Anyway, here's to me continuing this story. ENJOY!
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Before Santana realized where she was headed, she had already parked her truck. Her mom usually went on break around this time, and at this point she didn't know who else she could talk to.
Lani always knew the right things to stay when things were hard for Santana. Knowing that her husband was leaving for yet another deployment wasn't easy, but she had to stay strong. For herself and her daughter.
Santana parked where her mom usually went on break, and when she walked out San jumped out of her truck.
"San? What are you doing here?"
"Mom, I screwed up with Britt. I don't know what to do."
Lani tapped the bench next to her as she pulled her lighter out of her pocket. "What happened?"
"Well, I went to Kona last night after you guys went to the airport. Down to the harbor." She looked back at her truck. "Kehau found me and she hung out with me the entire night."
"And what happened?"
"Nothing. We just talked about dad's first deployment, and it just felt familiar. It was so much easier to talk to someone about it who understood what I went through the first time. What I feel now." Santana shrugged. "And I know that isn't a good excuse, but it's just the truth."
"Baby, look." Lani lightly tapped her cigarette so the ashes would fall. "I know it's easier for you to talk to Kehau about it. But what you need to remember is Brittany wants to understand. She wants to know how you feel. You just have to explain it to her."
"I know but-"
"Then what are you doing? Really ask yourself that. You love Brittany right? Then she deserves that much from you. Kehau had her chance and as much as I love that girl, she doesn't deserve you baby. Brittany does. She deserves that explanation. At the least."
"I know mom. And that's what I was trying to explain to her but it just all came out wrong. I was even gonna tell her about that night, with Kehau down at Uncle Ben's ranch."
"Then give her some time to cool off, San. That's what you need to do. There was a time that I thought your father was cheating on me. When he first got to the mainland and got to his first duty station. There was this female sergeant that started for like him a little bit. A little more than I thought was appropriate, you know? And all I needed was a little time to cool off and he called me back and before he said anything I apologized. Everyone has a little jealous bone in their body. Just give her some time." She put her hand on Santana's lap. "And telling her about Uncle's place is probably something she should know. And maybe she'll understand, but you can't use that as an excuse.
"I wasn't gonna use it as one, but I was gonna tell her anyway." Santana knew that her mom was right. But this wasn't going to be a easy fix. They had already had problems with Kehau before and this was just the topping on the cake. She loved Brittany, but she knew she was definitely in the wrong with this one. She spent the rest of her mom's break talking story with her, then got back in her truck and made her way back to Honoka'a.
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"Quinn, I just.."
"I know Britt. You love her, and you wanna believe her right?"
"I do." Quinn was staring at her friend who wasn't looking at the screen. She was too busy picking at her nails, something she did when she was thinking too much. "Britt. Just go meet up with Rach and see what she has to say."
Brittany was already planning on it, but she just wanted to know what it was about. So much was running through her mind, she had a bad habit of thinking of the worst and that wasn't something she should've been doing.
"I am. I'm gonna hop off, I'll call you when I figure everything out okay?"
They said their goodbyes and Brittany laid back onto her bed, placing her laptop to the side of her. She had about 20 minutes until the hour and she decided to head up to the field early, in hopes that their meeting their could settle her mind.
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Brittany had been waiting in the dugout for about 10 minutes now, waiting for Rachel to arrive. She had run so many different scenarios in her head that it hurt. She heard Rachel pull up but she didn't look. She kept staring straight down the third base foul line.
"Hey Britt." She turned as Rachel sat down on the bench next to her. "I wanted to start off with when she called me and told me what happened I yelled at her. If that makes you feel any better."
Brittany laughed a little. "Rach you didn't have to do that."
"I did. Because when you two first started talking I told her that if she fucks this up, I'd be mad at her. And I picked her up when she was at her lowest you know? Or so I thought."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Well, she told me that there was this one night that she was on Skype with her dad and Kehau was there. And while they were talking, her dad's base or whatever got attacked and the line went dead. And she didn't hear from him for days." Rachel ran her hand threw her hair. "She never told me about it before. She tried to kill herself Britt. I mean I can see why she wouldn't bring something like that up, cause I know I wouldn't-"
"She tried?"
"Kehau stopped her. I don't know anything else though, I just figured I'd tell you in person."
Brittany didn't even have this run through her mind. Not even once. She just always saw Santana as the strong person she saw today.
"What do I do?"
"Just talk to her. I know she will when she's ready but maybe shoot her one text or something. Tell her that when she's ready she can come over and talk to you."
Brittany took her phone out and opened a new message to send to Santana.
Hey babe. Come home to me when you're ready okay? I love you.
"Rach, I went off on her. I feel so bad now. I can only imagined what that must've been like."
"It's okay. Neither of us knew you know?"
I'll come over in a little bit. I love you too.
"Head home Britt. Go." Rachel stood up and hugged Brittany. "Let me know how things go okay. Tell San I'll call her later."
And with that, the girls both headed their separate ways.
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Brittany was chillin' at home when Santana pulled up in the driveway. She took a deep breath and walked outside. Santana was still sitting in her truck, with both hands on the steering wheel. When she made eye contact with Brittany she unbuckled her seatbelt and walked outside.
"Babe, I just wanted to-" But Brittany stopped her with a kiss.
"Why didn't you just tell me?"
"You talked to Rachel didn't you." Santana's eyes wandered, you knew that it was something she hadn't talked about. So this was going to be particularly hard. "I was going to tell you but we ended up fighting."
The story of Santana trying to kill herself was something that she didn't like to talk about. No one knew, except for Kehau and her mom and that's how she wanted to keep it. But she loved Brittany, and she deserved to know. Everything. That was always the plan but not everything can go as planned.
"I know what I did was wrong. But in no way is this story or what i'm gonna say an excuse for me even thinking about asking you to stay over at her house. I was tired, and I didn't want to drive home like that but..I just, that is inexcusable and I know better than that. So i just really wanna apologize for that even crossing my mind. And you have every right to be upset with me."
"I forgive you babe, I do. And yeah I'm upset with you because that didn't seem right you know?"
"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I was working on telling you. And I was gonna tell you regardless I promise. Let's go inside, please? I wanna tell you everything.
The girls walked inside and up to Brittany's room.
"It all started the night before midterms."
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"Kehau. Babe. Hello. Are you paying attention?"
"Huh? Yeah sorry I was reading a text from my mom." Kehau put her phone down. Santana had been on Skype with her dad for about 30 minutes and she liked to give them some time to talk before she joined them. She knew how hard it was for Santana to be this far away from her dad with only little amounts of time to talk whenever they were given the chance to. "Hi Uncle. Sorry I wasn't paying attention."
"It's okay. You guys doing okay?" How's school?"
"School is good! Midterms is up soon. High school is a lot easier than I initially thought."
"Good good good. I'm so proud of the two of you." Keola smiled. "San how's mom? I know she stay at work right now."
"She's okay. She just misses you, alot."
And there was the sound. The whistling got louder, and before Santana had time to say anything the line went dead.
Kehau sat in silence, she didn't know what to say. The screen went dark, and that's when she realized that Santana hadn't moved from the exact spot. No words, no sounds. It was completely silent.
"San?"
"No. He's gonna call back. He will. I'll just wait a little while."
Kehau couldn't say anything, and when Santana's dad didn't call back like she thought he was gonna, everything started going downhill. Days went by, San stayed home from school hoping he would call. But to much avail, he didn't. No text, no phone call, no skype. Nothing.
It was the weekend again, and Kehau made the drive back out to Honoka'a to be with Santana. It was a difficult time, she didn't eat. Didn't sleep. Kept her computer and her cell phone plugged in because she didn't want to miss her dad calling her back.
"Baby you can't just stay cooped up in your room waiting. I'm sure he's okay. Let's go down to your uncle's ranch tonight and ride four wheelers. Get your mind of things for a bit."
"Alright. Yeah that's a good idea."
They made the drive down to the ranch and rode for a couple hours before heading back to the house. It was getting dark, so they rode the trail back to her uncle's place. He had made a run to town for some food, so they were there by themselves.
Santana had left her phone at the house, so when she checked it she had a few missed calls from her mom and a voicemail asking her to call her back.
Her stomach dropped as she pressed call, waiting for her mom to answer. "Hello?"
Santana couldn't say anything. "San?"
"Mom?"
"Hey.. So I got a call from you dad's battalion commander. They got attacked the other night. They said all they have right now is that they base was cleared but they aren't sure at this time on where he might be."
That wasn't what she wanted to hear. And before Kehau had time to react, she heard the four wheeler start up again and race across the pasture. She ran outside and hopped on hers and followed her, trying to keep up but she wasn't used to the trail. Santana came up here often so it was alot easier for her to maneuver.
It was the open field and Santana had finally come to a stop. She slumped down, and Kehau knew she was crying. She parked her four wheeler behind hers and slowly made her way up to her girlfriend. The past couple days had been rough, but it was only going to get worse from here.
"San?" When she walked around, she saw that Santana had a knife, and was holding it up to her wrist. "Oh baby what are you doing.."
"I can't do this, Kehau. I can't. I'm going crazy."
Kehau slowly reached for the knife. It was already up against Santana's wrist hard. "Please baby give me the knife."
Tears were streaming down her face. She pushed harder.
"Hey.. Please San. Don't do this."
"What if he isn't okay? How can I go home knowing I won't be seeing him walk through the door ever again?" She pressed a little harder.
"If you do this now, you won't know the answer to that. You don't know anything for sure yet babe. So please, give me the knife okay?"
Santana cried more, and with a sob she handed Kehau the knife.
Kehau threw it to the side of them and grabbed onto Santana. "It's gonna be okay baby. Maybe not right now, but in time. And I'll be here no matter what."
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"After that night, a couple days went by and we finally got a call from my dad. And that was that." Santana was cracking her knuckles, something she did when she was nervous. "I've.. Never told anyone about that night. I couldn't find it in myself to. I was scared it would make me look weak, like I couldn't handle it. Which I mean, I couldn't. But still."
Brittany grabbed her girlfriend's hands in hers. "It doesn't babe. I get it, I would lose my mind if that were my mom or dad. I wouldn't know how to act. But, thank you for sharing that with me."
"That's the only reason I was so close with Kehau. Even after we broke up. She would still check up on me once in a while, making sure I was okay. And I can tell her to stop doing that, if that's something you want. I love you, and I want to prove that to you."
"I don't think you have to do that babe. I wanna apologize too, I mean, I feel like I was being a little irrational."
"You weren't. Cause I would've felt the same way and I should've thought about that before I even called you or considered it or anything. It's not gonna happen again. And all of this, like, it isn't an excuse for it."
"Can we come to an agreement then?"
"Anything.
Brittany sighed. "I trust you San, I do. I just don't trust Kehau as much as you would like. You know? You can talk to her, but promise you won't try to hide anything. I'll do my best to sit and talk it out with you. And not get mad right off the bat and hear you out. If that's fair? I just get scared because of what I've been through, I don't wanna get hurt again."
"That's fair. I don't talk to her often I promise. Over my life."
"Alright. Then it's a deal. I love you."
"I love you too, babe." And with that, the girls kissed.
They continued talking for another hour or so, but by the end Santana felt like they were closer than ever. There had been so many times she wanted to tell Brittany about all of the things they talked about but she felt like there was never really a right time.
"Oh shit, it's getting pretty late." They both laid down on the bed, and turned the tv on for background noise. "Is that okay?"
"Yeah it is."
And the girls slowly fell asleep.