Days felt like weeks.
Weeks felt like months.
Months felt like years.
Let's just say, time didn't fly by. My dad had to go to Manchester because he has a problem with his knees so I was left under the watchful eye of my mother and sister. One day when my dad was away, my mum took me and my sister shopping, we went to a shopping centre just outside Glasgow. I didn't want to buy anything, just baggy clothes but my mum insisted I get a jumper/cardigan that fit me. I eventually found one, it was dark pink, blue and purple and it hid my body. We bought it.
After wandering about in shops we didn't even like - because it would burn calories, we went for lunch at my old favourite subway. I got my usual, melted cheese, cucumber and lettuce. I tried to be sneaky and leave as much as I could, I would crumble the bread or put lettuce under the packaging. I ate a quarter and as I was shaking my legs under the table my sisters voice sounded over the constant chatter surrounding us, families who were obviously happy and carefree, unlike us.
"You ate more than that the last time we came here"
Damn
"I'm not hungry"
"We know you're not but try and eat some more, please?"
I picked at the sub again, putting some in the corners of my mouth trying to pretend I was eating, but every time I touched it I would scream at myself.
Stop you utter idiot
They don't love you, they're just trying to make you fatter
You need to keep control
Keep your eyes down, don't look at them for gods sake
You can't do anything right
I felt like crying every time I heard those thoughts, if I was on my own I would. The tears would fall like water pouring from a bottle, flowing fast trailing down my puffy eyes. Reminding me that I was weak.
We sat outside a phone shop waiting for my sister. Just me and my mum, if this was a few years ago we would be chatting non stop about the peculiar people pacing outside shop windows gazing in or waiting on family members treating themselves. Now we just sat, silently, solemnly, sad.
"What are we going to do?" My mothers voice broke the quiet
"I don't know"
That there, was the honest truth. I didn't know. What was I meant to do? It wasn't like drama where you got a script and knew the next line. I had no clue. I... I just knew that I couldn't start eating again. I was tearing my family apart but I was too focused in myself to care.
We got home. I went to my room to 'hang up clothes'. Sit ups, my stomach was feeling bloated. I was half into my third workout when I heard my sisters door open. I couldn't let her see my exercising, I had told them I wasn't. Shit.
Closer and closer came her footsteps. I had to do something, but I was frozen. Then they stopped. I scooted under my bed just as the door creaked open-
"What're you doin-
"There was something under my bed I was just getting it out."
"Oh, okay..."
"GIRLS DINNERS READY" shouted my mothers voice from down the stairs
Okay calm. Deep breaths, you can do this...
Quran sausage, potatoes and veg.
I picked up the fork, my hand shaking and began squashing the veg, mushing it down into a mess. I knew I had to eat something or the would freak but I really didn't want to. I picked up a pea figuring it was the thing with the least calories in it and put it into my mouth, chewing very slowly each crunch killing me. I ate the minimum I could get away with, but then came another terror.
"I cut up strawberries for dessert, I'll just go get them."
It's okay I don't need to eat them.
"She brought three plates, and my family began tucking in"
"Come on, have just two?" Stop pressuring me
"I'm okay"
My mum out two large strawberries on my plate.
No.
"You can do it,"
I don't need you. I just ate and I'm already beating myself up for it. I'm not going to eat them. I've already defied myself, don't even think about it.
Puddles of water surfaced in my eyes.
Don't do it.
"Please." My mum begged
"It's just a strawberry" my sister joined in.
No it's not, it's calories that i don't need.
"Just two?"
I reached my hand out.
Stop!
I pulled my hand back.
Fat.
"Do this for us?"
Stop stop stop!!!
I picked up a strawberry and began to release the salty tears from the corners of my eyes.
You're so weak, you little bitch.
Don't even try to eat that.
They hate you.
Everyone hates you.
You hate you.
More tears and I raised the strawberry.
NO IDIOT!
I began shaking. I opened my quivering mouth.
DONT DO IT, DONT!
I put the strawberry in.