•Chapter Twenty•
〄
"I think I'm in love with Katsuki," Kirishima blurted out in the quietest tone he could manage.
Kaminari and Mina had swung by his classroom during a passing period and took him on a short walk down the hallway so he didn't have to be stuck in that stuffy room all day. They were talking and while they were talking, Kirishima started thinking. He started thinking about all the strange thoughts he was starting to have about Katsuki. The kissing thoughts. What it would be like to feel Katsuki's lips against his. What it would feel like to be that close to Katsuki on a more intimate level instead of professionalーif it could even be called professional.
The more he thought, the more his brain started to run away with itself. It ran through sceneries where Katsuki is one-day Kirisihima's and all the things they'd do together, all the places they'd dance, all the places they'd explore. The thought alone was enough to lift him off his feet and carry him to cloud nine. It filled his heart with so much love, so much he was certain it was going to spill over the edges and drown him. What a way to go that would be.
Kirishima hadn't meant to confess to his friends there in the middle of the busy hallway, and in doing so he's caused chaos in his mind. A fire alarm went off his mind as the realization of what he said and in the back somewhere, a wire short-circuited and the flying sparks lit the walls on fire. The little people in his brain that normally kept things in order were now running wild trying to save all the important paperworkーmemories and thoughts and ideasーas well as themselves from the blazing fire.
God, they were staring at him with these looks of surprise and wonder and what the fuck was he supposed to do about it? He could feel the questions behind their eyes burning into the side of his skull as he walked down the hallway, doing his best to act like he didn't just confess his love for a boy who was fucking terrifying. But Katsuki did terrifying so damn well...
Kirishima shook his head. He couldn't let his mind run away with him again. Not there, in the middle of the crowded hallway where it felt like not only his friends were staring at him but the other students who passed by too. Hell, even Riot was staring at Kirishima. They could all see the rosy blush covering his cheeks and neck, and the way he bit his lip in anticipationーby that point, Mina and Kaminari had been doing so staring and not enough talkingーbecause he wanted to know their thoughts. He wanted their advice, or Mina's advice, and Kaminari's encouragement. He needed someone to tell him that the way he was feeling wasn't wrong or horrible.
"Alright Kami, cough it up," Mina said and stuck her hand out, curling her fingers in a "give it here" motion.
Kirishima heard Kaminari let out a groan of dissatisfaction and then he heard paper crinkle. Money?
"What...?" Kirishima asked, confused and even a little dazed by his own thoughts.
Mina smiled sheepishly. "Sorry Kiri, but we sorta placed a bet... on if you were gonna ever tell us about your crush on Katsuki."
"You guys knew?!" His eyes were wide.
"Dude, Mina has got like a strange intuition for that shit. She knew I was in love with Jiro before I even knew," Kaminari said.
"I'm blind and I could see that you were head over heels for her," Kirishima spat. "It doesn't say much."
"Just trust me... it's like a sixth sense for her."
Kirishima rolled his eyes. The fire in his brain had been put out and all the paperwork was safe, thankfully, but his entire face was still flushed red.
"So, are you gonna talk to him about it? I personally think you should," Mina stated rather confidently.
"No... Not yet anyway. I was thinking maybe after the contest? It's not all that far away and to spring this on him this close doesn't seem like a good idea."
"Well," Kaminari began as he threw his arm over Kirisihima's shoulder, "We're both fucking happy for you, bro."
"And please don't wait too long. We'd hate to see you get your heartbroken," Mina added. "Because then we'd have to break Katsuki. I bet the three of us could pin him down long enough for Riot to rip his face off."
All three began to laugh just before the bell cut them off. Mina and Kaminari walked Kirishima back to his classroom and went their own separate ways after saying goodbye because he wasn't going to see them after school. He and Katsuki had their first therapy sessions that evening after class. They had their consultations almost a week before and were placed with different therapists, which worked for both of them because they wanted to go together. Not that they couldn't go together if they were assigned the same therapist but having different ones made scheduling much easier.
He was excited for himself and for Katsuki. Finally, after many years, he'd get to talk about all the harsh things in his life and not have to worry about being judged for feeling a certain way about a certain thing. Of course, he was scared but there was something about opening up to a stranger that was comforting in some strange way. Most people say the idea of opening up to a stranger was scary but it wasn't like that to Kirishima. An unbiased stranger who will tell you how it is but will still be cautious of how it may make you feel.
And finally, Katsuki is going to be able to tell somebody about all the pain he's been suffering and basking in for so many years. Sure, he told Kirishima about what happened but he's never gone into detail about all the ways he's hurting and grieving. It's not like it was Kirishima's place to know anyway; one day, when Katsuki is ready, he'll tell Kirishima everything. He couldn't wait for that day.
-
When the end of the day rolled around, Katsuki was waiting outside in his dad's pickup truck that was nearly as old as Mina's if not older. Kirishima could hear it roaring to stay alive from the other side of the campus. The inside smelled faintly of Katsuki's cologne and then some sort of air freshener he couldn't identify.
The nervousnessーthe very nervousness he was trying to hide and bury underneath everything elseーstarted to get to him in the silence of the car. Kirishima's mind was wandering off and each time it was proving itself to be more difficult to bring it back in. But Katsuki was with him so everything was going to be okay. He had to tell himself that everything was going to be okay, nothing would go wrong, he could leave and wait in the car if it came down to it.
I'll be okay.
And then Katsuki was helping Riot lead Kirisihima inside and before he could grasp the situation, Katsuki had checked them both in and they were now sitting on those uncomfortable waiting chairs places like hospitals and banks have. Katsuki told Kirishima that the cushions were a dark purple with slightly lighter purple circles dotting it and the legs, as well as the arms, were a solid, slick black. They sounded just as disgusting as they felt.
There's no way a minute had managed to pass before Kirishima was up again, being ushered forward by a hand on his elbow that didn't feel like Katsuki's. It was soft, smooth, no sign of calluses or scars or even bits of dried skin. This hand was dainty and gentle in a way that wasn't like Katsuki's. And he felt long nails. Stiletto nails. That's what they were called. They were pointed at the top just like stiletto heels and probably just as deadly.
Kirishima was sitting, again, in a chair that was much softer than the ones out in the waiting room. The room was cool, but a comfortable kind of cool. Like a nice breeze on a hot summer day, and it smelled of vanilla cake.
"Hi... Kirishima?" a woman asked. "It's Kirishima? Am I saying that correctly?"
"Yes, Kirishima."
He could feel her smile. "Well, Kirishima, I'm Kyle. We go by first names here, I hope that's alright with you."
"Oh, of course."
"Great." She leaned back in her chair and crossed her legs. "Is this your seeing-eye dog?"
"Mhm. His name is Riot."
"Riot... that's actually kinda cute. So, let's get started. You can talk about whatever you want, you can start wherever. We can take it slow, okay?"
Kirishima gave a small nod and chewed the inside of his cheek like a piece of candy. There were many places he could start. He could start the beginning when he found out he was going to go blind or he could start when he did go blind or that day on the bridge when that boy somehow stopped Kirishima from jumping.
He decided to tell her that he self-harm, or used to self-harm. If you get the tough shit out of the way, then everything else is easier, and it was. They spoke about why and when and how he planned on stopping and if he had people who were helping him through everything. There were times when she didn't say anything at all and simply let him speak until he ran out of words to string into sentences.
Talking to her was like speaking to an old friend. like they were catching up after having not seen each other for many years. It was easy. Effortless. And he could breathe.
〄
Katsuki's appointment was scheduled to start several minutes after Kirishima's but those several moments felt like fucking ages. They were being strung before him, showing him the intricate details; every millisecond, every half a second, every second, how it all passed by and worked together to create the minutes to follow.
His hand traced the scar on his face as he watched the way time worked. He wanted to know what Kirishima was going to feel when the day finally arrived, the day Kirishima will finally feel Katsuki's scar. Katsuki already knew, of course, he already knew. There've been many nights where he lay in his bed and traced the outline of his scar, remembering every bump and indent to the point where he could draw it from muscle memory. But when he feels it, he feels how disgusting and repulsive it is, and he feels all the horrid memories it carries. Kirishima won't feel it like that. He won't see it as repulsive; the asshole will see it as beautiful if anything, a sign of strength and victory. A way to prove that he survived. A way to say fuck you to anyone who's ever hurt him.
"This is it, you made it," he could hear Kirishima say. "The rest of your life is waiting for you."
That idiot. He had way too much love for the world. So much... Katsuki almost envied him for it.
"Katsuki?" an older man called. He was bald and a little heavier set with classes that slid down the bridge of his nose. "Come on in," he said once he noticed Katsuki staring.
He was up and moving towards the room. Once inside, he had expected it to be some whitewashed box with weird paintings on the walls that were meant to be comforting. He expected bright lighting and those weird couches people in movies always lay on when they talk about their problems. Katsuki was expecting the room to live up to the stereotypes. It didn't.
The room was filled with browns and oranges. The walls and flooring were both brown, but on the walls sat several paintings of several different orange sunsets, most likely to bring some colour into the room. In one corner was an l-shaped desk and two computer monitors on top; across from the desk were two brown cushioned chairs with black arms and legs. An orange pillow with white abstract lines sat nudged into the corner on one of the chairs. In the corner next to one of the chairs stood a tall lamp, but it was because the window was open, showering several plants that lined the window sill in light. It was cosy, welcoming.
Katsuki sat down on the chair with the pillow whilst his therapist sat down in the swivel chair in front of the desk. The man turned both monitors on and began typing away.
"This is where we're going to write down your goals when we get to that part," the man said as he pointed to one of the monitors. "For now, tell me how you're feeling if you're up for it."
"Nervous...I suppose. I'm not one to talk about shit like this," Katuski breathed out.
"Of course. Please keep in mind that this is a safe place. Confidential. Alright?" Katsuki nodded. "You're here for a reason, right? Let's talk about that."
He fell silent and stared at the man. Fuck. He should talk, right? He should tell this stranger everything that's happened to him and how he blames himself for his mom's death. Every. Single. Day. He was aware that talking was a big part of therapy but it felt soon. Too soon...
...he was talking anyway. He was talking before he even knew he was talking. Katsuki wasn't speaking in detail, he kept his sentences vague as he told the man about the events with his uncle and he was too scared to tell anyone about it so he showed them instead, hence the scar.
"After my uncle was locked up, everyone in the family began to shun me and my mother. I think she, she being my mom, fell into a deep depression... well actually, no, fuck that. I don't think she did, I know she did. She never left her room, fuck, I was lucky if she managed to pull herself out of bed so she could piss. All she did was sleep. All the time and I guess one day when I came home the sleep stopped being temporary"ーa pause, a sighー"I found her. Dead."
Katsuki was crying now. Large crocodile tears tainted his face, the salt burning as the large drops made their way down to his jaw, where they hung several seconds and then took the plunge to his shirt. When was the last time he cried like this? Fuck, he couldn't remember. It was so long ago, though.
It felt good, to cry, to finally speak about all the things that have been plaguing him for years on end. The pain, the suffering, it wasn't anywhere close to gone yet, however, he's taken the steps to work on banishing them. And it felt good to be able to stand taller than all those feelings, to push them aside, to feel anything but pain.
Relief. He was feeling relief. Like a house had been suddenly lifted off his chest. Katsuki was no longer being crushed, suffocated. He was no longer in constant inner agony. What a feeling...
-
Kirishima had asked Katsuki if they could go for a drive once shortly after the got into the car. The day was long but he wasn't ready to go home and listen to his mother's pester him with questions he wouldn't want to answer. To be honest, Katsuki wasn't ready to go home either, so he told Kirishima that he wouldn't mind driving around.
During the drive to their nonexistent destination, Katsuki asked Kirishima about his appointment.
"It was good...," he replaced with a smile. "Her name is Kyle and she's the sweetest. She let me talk and didn't speak unless I asked her to. It was nice. What about you?"
Katsuki shrugged and remembered Kirishima couldn't see the movement. "I cried."
"Nah. No way, bro."
"I did."
"You wouldn't ever admit to it."
"And yet here I am, Shitty Hair."
"What did that man do to you? Did he hit you upside the head with a pan? Did he drug you?" Kirishima questioned.
Katsuki scoffed and shook his head. "No... no, I cried, but not because I was sad or whatever. It was like... everything was taken off my back you know? Like, I could finally fucking breathe."
"Oh, I know that feeling, man."
"It's nice."
"I agree."
Katsuki pulled over just outside of town in a large open field. It was the kind of field you'd see in movies. It's where the murder would do the murdering and the raping and then the hiding of the bodies when they were done. Tall grass that was perfect to hide in, dirt soft enough to easily dig up. It went on for miles and miles, as far as the eye could see.
He described this to Kirishima and loved the way the corner of his eyes wrinkled when he threw his head back as he laughed. It was magnificent. He should have taken a picture of it but by the time the idea entered his brain, Kirishima was no longer laughing. An opportunity wasted because he'd much rather stare than pull his eyes from Kirishima for more than a second.
The radio played softly in the background of their useless chatter and occasional laughs. It was some dumb pop song Katsuki resisted the urge to change because he noticed the way Kirishima tapped his leg to the beat and bobbed his head from side to side. It was truly a sight to behold.
"So, would you like to drive?" Katsuki asked.
"Huh?"
"Technically you can't drive, it's dangerous and shit. But we're in the middle of nowhere with no people around. Would you like to give a shot?"
The way Kirishima's face lit was amazing and the way he nodded in a childlike manner was even better. They clumsily switched seats, and once Kirishima was in front of the wheel, he was carefully coached in detail on where the pedals were, how to change gears, and how to use the blinkers. Before he could finish his quick tutorial, Kirishima pressed the gas. Hard. The truck jerked forward and they jerked back as it came to a halt.
"Fuck, Shitty Hairー" Kirishima pressed the gas again and took a sharp turn that lasted long enough for them to do a doughnut. He was about to protest, to tell Kirishima to knock it off with his shit before he wrecks the car. He didn't, though, and instead, let Kirishima drive the length of the field at whatever speed his saw fit.
He did doughnuts and even learned how to drift after Katsuki coached him on how to. After some time of recklessly driving around, Kirishima came down from whatever high he was on and asked Katsuki if he would be willing to help Kirishima drive like how a normal person would if they were doing down a street in town.
Katsuki told him when to turn and when to stop and how long to stop for. It was perfect, the way Kirishima's face was illuminated by the moonlight as it shone brightly through the rolled down window, the way his hair flew backwards as the freezing winter hair rushed in and encased them both.
Eventually, Kirishima came to a stop and leaned back in the seat with his hands still grasping the wheel tightly, a smile as big as the moon breaking his face. Katsuki managed to snap a picture of them.
"So, what else haven't you done?" Katsuki asked as he slipped his phone back into his coat pocket.
"Mhm... I've never coloured before."
"Never?"
"Never ever."
"Well, I'll look into getting the shit to do it."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Hell yes!"
Truly amazing... a sight he wanted everyone to see yet at the same time wanted to keep to himself.
And it dawned on him in that moment as he watched Kirishima with windblown hair, gripping the wheel of his dad's truck, the moonlight making his features more angelic, that Katsuki was in love with Kirishima's shitty hair and his stupid, goofy smile, and Kirishima. He was in love with Kirishima.
Fuck, his heart just might burst and he wouldn't complain.
〄
Word Count: 3440
September 5th, 2019
owo this is rushed because I'm supposed to be game testing with my boyfriend right now (beta testing Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon) so I'm sorry if it's shit but I wanted to get it done as it's been almost a month...
but
anyway
how's a face reveal sound? because I'm down if you guys are
-StarsNeverLanding