When Remus woke the next day, sun was already filtering through the windows of the bedroom. Through sleepy eyes, he surveyed the room. James, Peter and Sirius were not there. He sat up suddenly and grabbed his watch off the nightstand. 11:14. Remus was relieved it was Friday, he didn't have class until 1:30, but it was Potions, with Bertram. 'Just end my suffering,' Remus thought to himself, melodramatically. 'Perspective,' he reminded himself. If he had so far survived nearly 12 years as an abominable beast, then two hours with an ex didn't seem so bad.
Remus tugged an over-sized jumper and lounge pants on and headed to the, hopefully deserted, common room.
He was in no such luck however. It seemed as though his entire year was sitting somewhere in the common room. A few people he recognized were playing chess in the corner, some people were even studying. Remus was jealous of those people; with any luck, Professor Slughorn would assign an essay today so Remus had a good excuse for hiding in the library all weekend. Remus was being socially suffocated.
Remus walked through the common room as quietly as he could, hoping not to garner any attention from his friends, he really just wanted to be alone for a bit. He made his tea quickly and retreated back to his bedroom.
However, Remus was not quite indiscreet enough to slip under Sirius' radar. It didn't help Remus' case,of course, that Sirius had been paying rather close attention to the foot of the stairs, waiting for Remus to come down them.
Sirius was disappointed when Remus came and left so quickly. About 15 minutes after Remus retreated back to his room, there was a soft knock on the door. "Yes?" Remus huffed. The door opened slightly to reveal Remus' knight in shining armour: Lily Evans.
"Remus," she said tenderly, then in a more judgmental tone, "this place is already a pig sty." She wasn't wrong, the boys' dormitory was already a mess. "What's going on?" Her initial tone had returned.
"I just need a break," he admitted.
"It's only the second day of classes." Lily sat on the foot of Remus' bed and looked over at the boy who was sitting up against his head board.
Remus was silent.
"And," Lily continued, "you have two weeks before, ugh, your transformation." Remus had told Lily about his furry little problem two years ago. It probably wouldn't have come up if his friends had ditched the 'Moony' nickname, and if Remus didn't feel incredibly guilty keeping secrets from his best friend.
Remus sighed in defeat, it was hard to keep anything from Lily. "Sirius and I had a huge fight, and I still have feelings for Bertram." Remus blurted quickly.
"Okay," she said mulling over the information information, "let's unpack that."
Remus nodded.
"You and Sirius argued?"
"Not really, I, it's hard to explain exactly what happened."
Lily looked at him expecting him to continue.
"We just took different stances on something, and then we both said stupid things, which really hurt. And I think we resolved it, but I don't really want to see him for a while. I really hurt his feelings."
She nodded, "I'd bet he's feeling very similarly. All morning he's been waiting for you to wake up."
"And Bertram," Remus picked his poison, and talking about Bertram was better than talking about Sirius. Lily pursed her lips like she was going to make another remark, but decided against it and Remus kept talking. "I know he was an ass last year, but he really did send that howler with good intentions."
"He nearly ruined your life."
"Perspective, Lily. I have bigger things to worry about than what people think about my sexuality."
"So why didn't you come out yourself."
Remus rubbed his temples, "can we please not argue about this?"
The red haired girl nodded, "So why do you think you still have feelings for him?"
"Dunno. I just miss spending time with him. It was so much easier. He didn't have a clue about the lycanthropy, and sometimes it was just nice to pretend it wasn't a problem."
"So you don't have feelings for Bertram necessarily, you just want to be with someone who doesn't know you're a werewolf?"
Remus' head was now pounding, "Lily, I don't want to talk about it. Okay?"
She stood up, "if Bertram is who you really want, then I'll support you, whatever. I always will." She smiled briefly and walked towards the door, "by the way, we're all heading to lunch at 12:30."
"Thanks Lil, but don't wait for me."
Lily nodded sadly, and left the room.
Remus didn't join them for lunch, and just barely made it to Potions by 1:30.
"Ah, how nice of you to join us, Mr. Lupin," Professor Slughorn said as Remus tried to slide unnoticed into the seat Lily had saved for him. "As I was saying," the stout and mildly awkward man continued, "I am very glad that all of you chose to continue your work in potions. Now that you have completed your N.E.W.T.S, we can move into more advanced potions works. This term we will be focusing on perfecting practical potions."
Slips of parchment appeared on the tables in front of the students.
Potions to cover 6th and 7th Years
Elixir to Induce Euphoria
Wit-Sharpening Potion
Volubilis Potion
Love potion Antidote
Wiggenweld Potion
Love potion
Shrinking Solution
Felix Felicis
Amortentia
Hiccoughing Solution
Draught of Living Death
Polyjuice Potion
Slughorn continued lecturing, "class becomes a little less structured now that you are more, mature." Some students laughed at his classification of them, "by the end of three terms, you will present me with a potions portfolio containing half of these potions. I expect them to be nearly perfect."
A few students groaned at the thought of having to perfect 6 entire potions.
"With this portfolio, you must also include a 1 ½ foot piece of parchment explaining the uses and, if applicable, how to make the counter potion, per potion." Remus and Lily both furiously scribbled down the instructions.
This information caused even more students to mutter about how awful the project would be.
"I'm sure the lot of you will find this project to be, a nice break, actually, from the rest of your classes. I will not be requiring attendance, however; at the end of each term, I will be meeting with you to discuss your progress. That is all for today, I suggest you get to work." Slughorn walked behind his desk and sat down. The rest of the class began talking quietly at their tables.
"This is going to bloody suck," James muttered as he surveyed the list before him.
"I was just thinking the opposite," Lily chirped, "what are you thinking Remus?"
"I'm sure it will be fine." Remus replied absentmindedly, while he tried to figure out what Bertram was talking about has his own table.
Sirius leaned his head into the conversation from his own table, "yeah, at least we don't have that git, Snivellus to worry about this year."
Lily opened her mouth to defend her former friend, but James beat her to it. "Grow up, Sirius," Lily smiled at him, proud of his new outlook.
"Whatever," Sirius muttered and turned back to his table mates; Frank Longbottom and Marlene.
After a while of discussion between Marlene and Sirius, Sirius leaned towards James, Lily and Remus again. "You guys want to sneak down to Hogsmeade tomorrow?" he asked.
"Yeah!" James said excitedly.
"Weather is going to be awful," Remus told them matter of factly, without looking up from his text book.
Sirius sucked in a quick breath, as if he was going to lecture someone, "well-"
"Plus, we haven't got a great way to get there." Lily reminded them.
Marlene and Sirius exchanged a quick glance. Sirius did his best not to allow his relief to show. "Sorry Marlene, rain check?"
The girl nodded at him.
"Maybe we could do something else?" Lily suggested after surveying Marlene's disappointed face. "Oh! A game tournament!"
The wizards looked at her, puzzled. "A game tournament?" Marlene asked timidly. "What kinds of games?"
"Whatever types we choose. My grandma and grandpa used to have all the kids do one on Christmas Eve." Lily explained.
A wave of realization fell across the group. "Oh. It's a muggle thing." James said, finally understanding the situation better.
"I suppose so," Lily agreed, "we can play muggle games even, Remus and I can teach you all some."
Remus was pulled from his concentration on Bertram when he heard his name. "Huh?" he asked.
"Evans was volunteering you to teach us muggle games for our muggle game tournament." Sirius offered him an explanation.
"Sure," Remus agreed quickly, not wanting to get into yet another argument with his friends. He then quickly picked up his text books and left the table.
"Professor?" Remus began as he reached the desk in the front of the room. "I can hardly concentrate here. May I be dismissed?"
Slughorn looked over the top of his copy of the Daily Prophet and agreed quickly. Remus made his way out of the classroom and b-lined for the library.
"What's his problem?" James asked after Remus had left the classroom.
Sirius sighed. "We had a bit of an argument last night," he admitted solemnly. "It was, rough, and I thought it was finished, but I guess not."
Lily felt the pit in her stomach growing as Sirius' voice got sadder as he spoke. "It's not that, Sirius," she told him reluctantly.
James raised an eyebrow at her, "you know what it is about, then?"
Lily sighed, glad that could alleviate Sirius' worrying, but now regretted saying anything on the account that James wouldn't stop pestering her for information until she divulged it. "You know that he always struggles with being around so many people. Just let him be." She explained.
"It's Bertram, isn't it?" Sirius asked, eyes fixed on a particular table of Ravenclaw boys.
Lily didn't enjoy lying, and wasn't about to tell one of Remus' secrets, so she remained silent.
"Merlin's sake!" Sirius exclaimed. "I should-" he got up to walk towards Bertram, but was stopped by a gentle, but firm hand; it was James, he tugged Sirius towards him so he could whisper to him.
"Don't live up to your name, Sirius." James cautioned his friend carefully, trying not to insult or upset him.
Whatever James told Sirius, Marlene thought, must have worked, because Sirius sat back down. Albeit with a crossed look on his face, but at least he was sitting again.
The rest of the lesson passed very slowly. Sirius kept trying to intimidate Bertram from across the room, but Bertram never looked at him.
The bell rang and the class was dismissed. Sirius stood up very quickly, anxious to be done with classes for the week. Marlene quickly caught up to him in the hall. "It's too bad we aren't going to Hogsmeade."
Sirius agreed with her.
"But games sound fun."
Sirius agreed again, halfheartedly.
"Don't mind my prying, but what did James say to you in Potions, so you didn't pummel Bertram."
This comment got Sirius' full attention. "Why?"
Marlene blushed profusely, and Sirius pretended not to notice. "It's just. I want to know how you work. So the next time you storm out of the Great Hall, I can talk you down instead of ending up in some closet with you."
Sirius knew that Marlene was always outspoken, but her directness surprised him. "It's not what he said, it's how he said it. There isn't a way to explain it." Not to mention that Sirius had no intention to end up in some closet with James.
Marlene seemed disappointed. When she couldn't think of a response, Sirius turned to leave. "Wait, Sirius," she said. "I, um, I don't mind though. Closets are fine."
Sirius was disappointed by this. He was just starting to like Marlene's hardheadedness. He thought he finally found someone who would help him kick his habit. "Well you should mind," he told her coldly and walked away. His walls were down with Remus before school started, but now they were back up. He thought that Marlene might break them down too, but that train just left the station. Maybe he was just meant to be alone.
***
Remus finally found a bit of solace in the library. He tucked himself away in one of the farthest corners and hoped not to be interrupted by anyone. He tried to work on his essay for Professor Binns, but this time he couldn't work through his headache, a skill he had developed at a young age. He decided instead to do some leisurely reading. His mother was a muggle, and she introduced him to all types of muggle literature. Remus loved fictional reading. For him it was an escape.
"I figured I'd find you in here." Bertram said as he casually leaned against the bookshelf behind him.
"Pince doesn't appreciate it when people lean like that." Remus told him sternly.
"And here I thought you'd be a bit more used to trouble making at this point. You are friends with the strangest group of people."
"Wasn't it just yesterday when you told me you wanted me back? Do you think insulting my friends will help you achieve that?" Remus asked. His voice carried a bit more edge than he intended.
Bertram smiled and walked over to a chair in front of Remus and sat down.
"It sounds like you're telling me that there is a chance for me to get you back."
Remus looked at him passively.
"On the topic of your friends. Lily Evans is the most paradoxical."
Remus raised an eyebrow at him. "Why is that?"
"She threw me to the floor yesterday, but today she invited me to your little game party tomorrow. Strange."
Remus hoped his blushing wasn't noticeable in the dim lights of the library.
Bertram continued, "but I won't come if it's going to make you uncomfortable."
Remus thought for a while. Obviously if Lily was on board, having Bertram over couldn't be the worst idea.
"I'd like it if you came." Remus finally admitted. This time Bertram was the one trying to hide the crimson creeping across his cheeks.
Bertram cleared his throat. "And Sirius?"
"What about Sirius?"
"I don't think he likes me very much. After you left potions, I think he wanted to kill me."
"You're a bit dramatic, don't you think." Remus suddenly felt very protective of Sirius. "And if you don't like my friends, you'd best not come tomorrow, or talk to me again."
"Okay, okay" Bertram said, raising his hands in defeat. "I'm sure we'll get along swimmingly." He got up to leave.
"See you tomorrow," Remus called to the retreating boy, smiling from ear to ear.
Remus returned to his reading. A while later his stomach grumbled again, he hadn't eaten all day.
He slowly packed up his things and made his way to the Great Hall. He was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't very busy. He checked his watch again. Dinner would only be served for 20 more minutes. Remus took a seat at the end of Gryffindor's table and was promptly greeted by platters of perfectly prepared dinner.
Remus was about half way through his meal when Sirius sat down across from him. "I'm glad you're eating something. Are you feeling alright?" Sirius asked very quickly.
Remus swallowed the bite of turkey leg he'd been eating. "Fine." He replied.
"I'm just worried about you."
"Please don't." Remus wasn't trying to be short with Sirius, but he couldn't bite back the irritation he'd been feeling since arriving at Hogwarts. It seemed like time was moving too fast and too slow all at the same time.
Sirius gave him another concerned look.
"And Bertram is coming to play games tomorrow. So please be on your best behavior." Remus instructed Sirius as he began eating his mashed potatoes.
"If something is the matter, you'll tell me though, right? Even if we're fighting over something stupid."
"What I called you and what you called me last night was not stupid." Remus reminded him.
Sirius nodded.
"And for Merlin's sake can't everyone just let me be alone for awhile?"
Sirius could tell that Remus was overwhelmed by being back at Hogwarts, he was every year.
"I'm sorry for interrupting your dinner, Moony. I'll see you upstairs." Sirius smiled sadly at Remus and made his way out of the Great Hall.
After Remus was content with the amount of dinner he ate, he also made his way to the dormitory.
When he entered the bustling common room, his pounding headache returned. He wanted to be alone for a while without feeling locked up.
He passed all of his friends as he made his way to his bed. They all looked at him with pity drawn on their faces. Remus imagined they were thinking things like 'oh the poor tired boy' or 'the poor sick boy' or 'the poor boy with too many secrets he could never tell.' Not a single one of them knew what Remus was really thinking. Even Remus wasn't entirely sure.
Remus changed very quickly into his pajamas and crawled into bed. He had figured he would find comfort there, but now it seemed like the emptiness of the room was suffocating him. He rolled onto his stomach and yelled into his pillow. Then, before he even had a chance to stop them, hot tears began to fall down his face.
After a long while of sobbing and shaking in his bed, Remus heard the door creak open. "Remus?" A deep voice whispered into the dark room, "are you alright mate?" Sirius asked.
"Do I look like I'm fucking alright?" Remus quickly sat up in his bed. "When I'm spending time with everyone, I'm suffocated, when I'm alone, it's suffocating. I can't do anything right. And it's only been two days!" He yelled hysterically.
Sirius wasn't expecting that. "What can I do to help you?"
The question rang in Remus' mind like a broken cuckoo clock. He'd been asked that question too many times before. "I don't know!" Remus snapped. "I don't know anything other than I'm really bloody overwhelmed."
Sirius moved towards him, stubbing his toe and cruising softly as he maneuvered through the dark room. Remus had propped himself against the headboard again. He was a mess. Every hair was out of place and his eyes were red and puffy from crying.
"May I?" Sirius asked motioning for Remus to scoot over, the taller boy obliged after only a second of deliberation. Sirius crawled in bed next to him and wrapped a comforting arm around Remus' shoulders.
They sat in silence for a while until Remus began crying again.
Sirius pulled him closer and began rubbing soft circles over his back.
"I hate for you to see me like this." Remus admitted.
"Why's that?"
Remus sighed, "I want to be here for you, and how on Earth can I do that when I'm like this?"
"Stop talking like a git right now. If you're here for me, then I am for you."
Remus nodded his head the best he could with it pressed so close to Sirius' shoulder. "Thanks, mate."
Remus lifted his head, and Sirius took the cue that the moment had passed. He stood up and pulled on his pajamas too.
"Aren't you going back to hang out with them?" Remus asked as Sirius crawled into his bed next to Remus'.
"You're not the only one who needs a break. Good night Moony." Sirius said it in such a matter of fact tone that Remus felt compelled to fall asleep immediately, so he did.