xv. lunisolar
[ pachelbel - canon d ]
LISA
Duvet days came to conquer the previous months. Like an everyday daydream coming true, my heart was filled with gushes and flurries - just the utmost beautiful feelings. Jen was the reason of it all of course. Since her classes started, I thought she'd be preoccupied most of the time and would probably keep a safe distance from me but oddly enough, it didn't turn out that way. She wanted me to visit her every night, she demanded dates, late night walks, motorbike rides, sunset talks. Oddly enough, she wanted me to stay. Now every heartbeat was about her, every glances, every touch. More meaningful than the other. "So do you have any rendezvous of choice for tonight, Manoban?" An enthusiastic skirt-wearing gal appeared in front of my motor with a feline smile as if she was commanding the dying streetlights to wake.
Just the girl I've been thinking of. I gaily thought as I handed her a helmet. "Perhaps I do and it's your lucky night." I invoked. She playfully smirks in response. "Hmm. Mind to enlighten me?" I crinkled my eyes hoping that i'd be more cuter than I imagine "I was planning on taking a trip with you to the moon"
Jen's face was of surprise and amusement, playing along with the lightness. "Ooh. The outerspace. I would've been down for that. " She added as she locked the helmet around her chin. "But I did a reconsideration." I buckled up my stance, grabbed the left handlebar, and swung my right leg over the seat with my feet standing steadily on the ground. "Why do such mistake?" Her face crunched in confusion as she hopped in at the backseat as I kick start my engine. I placed the ball on my right foot and onto the kick start lever and I firmly pushed down in force. With it, the roaring sound of my engine started to vibrate over our bodies, demanding the enticing thrill to be felt.
"Is it?" I turned my head around to face her while having the hopes of making her laugh, I then uttered. "Because I was thinking of saving it for our honeymoon." There was a quick pause when I heard her amused laugh scoring through my ears. "You silly romantic." She softly teased. From then on the night was sweeter for I can only hear her voice of grace. "So what's the other option then?" She tapped with curiosity. "For now, I can take you in someplace that's close to the moon." I answered as my motorbike drifted to speed. A night of bliss has started again.
...
Calming as it was in the eyes from the shoreline, I still can hear it's scream. The flashing of waves, the madness of the sea breeze, and the water hollering in chaos with the entirety of the ocean wanting to be heard. Yet all were just drowning one another in saltiness. Beastly, as you call it. Yet the ocean can only be so endearing as the moon, for the lunar entity takes power over the waters when the king of the day seeps into sleep. Only controlling half of what is whole. For nature says, the ideal power is balance and all creation should acknowledge it.
"Can you feel it from here?" I raised my chin up to let the breeze caress my skin, "The pull of the moon?" I continued. We were laying over a fuzzy blanket accompanied with a champagne of mimosa as we gaze through the vastness of the Jones beach of Long Island. We were half close to the shore, just the right amount of distance for admiration. "You know what I love about the moon?" A glow in her face appeared, I raised my eyebrows in question. She then faced the gleaming queen above us. It was Saturday. October 9th. I still remember the excitement I had this morning when I found out that a full moon was coming, elating my heart to pounds of thousands knowing it was a perfect day to take Jen on a date along with the shores of New York. My attention went back to my girlfriend. My eyes stood in wonder of her as she took a deep sigh before answering, "Is that whenever the moon vests its power, it is never blinding. It is not like the sun that just beams it's arrogance over, expecting people to praise him of his delinquency. The moon, however, is graceful and glorious, serene yet spectacular. That's why whenever you feel her pull, you feel at peace with everything."
"What about the ocean? It never was and has never been peaceful. Why doesn't the moon calm it's waves?" I asked as I stare across the dark roaring waves of the sea. So rigorous. As if they were jaws reaching out to eat us. "An ocean in chaos is an ocean at peace. Like a mad person who finds tranquil in being free to be mad." Jen muttered as she popped the bottle of mimosa and poured it in to our glasses. Sharing a toast for the night. She leaves me in awe again. Her mind just speaks languages I adore.
"So glad I'm not the ocean." I blurted out my sarcasm, "What do you want to be then?" Jennie smirked at my words. "I don't know... the moon maybe? I mean who wouldn't want to have control over the seas." I answered back. "Why not the sun? you're a ball of fire." she invoked me to rethink. "Because maybe I don't have that kind of power." My voice was listless, I looked away because I knew my smile was fading. Perhaps, it reminded me of who I was in Jen's life. I couldn't help but overthink again. I am a just moon of hers, she's the ocean mine. I, owning only what's half of her whole. Though I am as equal as the days, I still feel powerless whenever I see Jen's eyes spark whenever someone speaks of Roseanne—her sun.
"Nonsense. Of course, you have." She spoke as if I was saying the silliest of things. "Do I?" I doubted. I guess a little liquor would save me from my worries. I said at the back of my mind as I continuously drank.
"But what if the ocean needs to choose, which one would she think is more sovereign?" I asked as I hear the wind daunting. "But does she need to think when she gives total surrender to both the sun and the moon?"
I need you to. I whispered in my thoughts. Or continuing this would be maddening for me. Instead of spilling these words out, I stood shut and dispensed it to the breeze. "I'm just wondering who she loves more" I replied with hesitance.
In a while, I felt her body closer against mine as she moved, "Look at me" she muttered. I slowly turned my head to face her and with it, her left hand traveled down my wrist and onto intertwining it with my fingers. We both looked down, spurging the feeling of each other's skin. It was surreal. "If I made you question my feelings for you again, then ask me so I can remind you."
My head went low, I felt my hot breath going hectic. I was too agitated to ask what happened. This morning. When she met Roseanne again for the first time in the longest time.
As I felt my throat stuck, i knew I had to throw it out. I huffed a short laugh. "Well, unfortunately, I was reminded this morning." I told her. "I saw the way you stared at her again - at Roseanne? It was like a slap on the face and that overpassing her will forever be impossible."
And when I saw defeat on Jen's eyes that was it. I was right. I lose again. She can't even deny it.
ROSEANNE.
Stuck. That's not just a way to describe what I've been feeling lately but I am literally in a circumstance of such. By the time I took a right, my Ford Fairlane started to be bumpy, later did I realized that my front tire deflated. "Seriously? Now that I have an important errand to go to? Just great!" I screeched out of frustration as I opened the door and checked the tire. The sun was waving. The road was kind of empty, there were just few pedestrians, and I'm barely halfway to my destination.
I was planning to compromise and cry myself in annoyance but a beep and a buzzing engine sound came out from nowhere, it caught my attention. A grey Aston Martin emerged from the streets and stopped just ahead of mine. I can only stand still and watch the car's door open.
Her black go-go boots was the first thing I saw when she came out. I can tell she was fashion savvy. But one thing that left me dumbstruck was her familiar feline eyes. Those haunted me ever since, and i can't tell if I missed looking at it - but I was sure that my heart couldn't contain the bloodrush that I felt when we locked gazes.
Jen.
In a flash, all the memories re-established itself in my mind as it was just yesterday I tasted her lips for the first time. Her reeling flavor running through the cracks of my lips. She paralyzes me just like that.
"Roseanne, it's you. Having trouble?" Her formal politeness was disappointing. Well maybe I was expecting much from her since she's the one who ghosted me after what happened during that concert. At least make an effort that we were more than just hi's and hello's but that's just me. "A tire of mine blew up." I stuttered. She walked closer, trying to look at the deflated ball. "Ooh. That looks bad." She added her sentiments. "Well, today is not my day." I said while stressing myself more.
She looked at me again. Oh, that look speaks of confession. "Are you on a rush to somewhere? Because if you are, I can give you a lift." Her concern was discerning. What's the next step, Roseanne? Do I reject and insist to be late on my schedule or do I suck up my ego and let the girl that ghosted me after we kissed drive me out of my misfortune?
"Really? You don't mind?" Before my mind can actually make a decision I have uttered those words already. "If that means I can still save your day from being bad then yes. I don't mind at all." Her generosity surprised me, but more like fluttering. After then, I did not hesitate to give in. "I'll drive." Jen said as she gave me an open gesture to hop in. I could only smile.
...
I was—practically—frozen. Maybe the seatbelt was too tight or the air conditioning wasn't right. I didn't know which of those was it but I couldn't help but feel agitated. I just hoped that Jen has a chary driving and so far, she's doing it smoothly.
"Where are you headed too?" She asked. "New York City. The Time Square Building to be exact." I specified in reply. I saw Jen's nose crunch, "This is a coincidence then. That's where I'm going too" She injected with a smile. My eyes widen in absurdity, "What's your business there?" I asked again. "Just gonna visit someone." Cheaply she replied. Such censorship she gave. I can only nod and say okay.
It felt like the trip was too long or perhaps the silence just took the vanity in both of us. Unconsciously, I steal glances at Jen, like an involuntary movement, my eyes just spins around her and she didn't need a moment to take notice, "Hey, what's it?" She plunged in a question as she took a look at me. "What's what?" I panicked as I try to look away. My chest felt ripped, my hands were crumpled, i can feel the warm sensation under my cheeks. I was blushing.
"I can't deny that I see you staring at me from time to time. I'm curious to why?" A smirk was fondling over her lips like she was glad she caught me. Oh how well she plays. Give an excuse Roseanne. I cried for help. "Uh—nothing. It's just that it has been long since I've seen you around. That's all." I rejected to continue the topic. Then simultaneously, she nodded. "I know. Are you doing good though? With the whole school presidency and all?" She asked out of formality's sake. "Uh, yeah. Great. Totally." A stupid stuttering reply was all I could do. Then all I got was an awkward "Oh, good" well I thought that was the end of it but she suddenly grabbed something at the back.
"Here." With my palms open she gave me a plastic-sealed cookie. It was a peculiarly white-ish goodie, and I'm sure I've never seen one before but the odd thing is all of this seems so familiar. "Tell me if it tastes good and if not then I need to quit my dreams of being a baker." Jen asked me, so I quickly took a bite. Slowly as I felt every crunch savor in my mouth. Then all of my senses went to wonderland.
I reverberated a yummy sound like a kid enjoying her favorite snack. I felt my lips smile, my heart was giddy. "What is this?" I asked out of curiosity. "It's a Neiman Marcus." She responded. Jen's words stroke a memory of some kind. Yet it was flowing vague in my veins. I can't pinpoint it somehow. I took bites over and over again, trying to figure out the familiar taste.
"Did you use ground oatmeal, nuts and a grated Hershey bar?" I raised a sudden question. Jen's face was blown away, perhaps I was right then. "Yes, exactly—do you know how to make them?" Jen confirmed. Her tone was dazed and so was mine. What was happening. "No. I have never—I just knew." I confessed as I was left flabbergasted.
Then a thunderbolt suddenly beat my head, like a memory was about to resurface and it demanded me to remember it. I closed my eyes as I hear the pounding sounds everywhere. Here it was again.
I can feel my hands kneading through a soft and elastic dough, with sounds of laughing coming through the walls. A hand was teaching me how to knead through. It was warm, cozy and lubricating. It was a hand I knew. We were at a commonplace—to bake and bond. Then the memory went to the details, those feline eyes were there again, tugging me into a gaze of love. With lips kissing my neck up to me cheek with tenderness. Then smell of baked cookies unfurled. It was the Nieman Marcus. I can still taste the oozing chocolate flavor over my mouth watering. But the most familiar feeling, was when this girl snuggled me into an embrace as we tasted what we baked. It was that girl again. The girl who calls me Chaeyoung. It was Jennie. Her face was so close, very soft, and light-hearted. An intimate moment occured. We were on a couch, laying next to each other. I could almost kiss her from this distance "Chaeng, you know I love you right?" her voice cracked into a lower tone but the love from her words still overflowed. Sweeter than chocolates. As I was about to reach for her lips, promptly, out of nowhere a thudding sound began spiraling through my head, like a buzzing siren getting through your ears as if it was calling you to wake up. And it did. It did call me.
I sensed the pain in my head again, re-emerging back. I can feel the leather fabric of the car seat and the rough bumping of the car. I was back on track. "Roseanne, are you okay?! Does my cookies taste that bad?" My eyes opened with a face of a worried Jen Kim. The car has stopped and so was my heartbeat, she was holding my hand pressing it firmly. I can feel the familiarity of her warmth. Which boggled me more. Did I miss this? Did I miss her?
"Y-yes. I'll be fine. Just a headache." I tried to condone. "I'm sorry. Letting you eat those cookies was a shitty idea." Jen was very apologetic, surprisingly. "No, no. It wasn't the cookies. The cookies were perfectly good don't worry." I gave a reassuring smile although awkwardness was still hanging in the air. "Do you want water? Or maybe take some meds? I can call a medical assistant if you want." Her troubled face didn't go away, she was too concerning now. "No need. I'm fine. Just drive, please." I said nonchalantly. When her face changed I can tell she agreed. I rejected her concern. "Alright. We're almost there. Hang on, okay?" Jen uttered as she let go of my hand and went back on the road.
That was it. I couldn't tell her what was happening. I couldn't ask her why she was affecting me like this. I couldn't tell her that I remember her, strangely enough, she is clear in memories that wasn't mine. Or was it?
...
After more minutes I finally saw the building at the center. I'm here for a photoshoot for the Times, since Taehyung an alumni from NYU who is also the chief executive of the said magazine contacted me last week and asked if it was okay to do a featurette with me for the month's cover issue after seeing my performance. Of course, it was all overwhelming at once but I couldn't reject such prestigious offer. That's why I'm here now. We were on the 9th floor in where the magazine's studio was located and as soon as I opened the elevator door, my heart immediately pumped faster again perhaps it was the exciting adrenaline of the first time.
JENNIE.
I begged for Jisoo's acquaintance in making some baked goods in the early hours because I was planning to surprise Lisa with it. It was intended. All my attention, my time, and my efforts would be intended for her from now on. But I spoke too soon when I bumped into a troubled Roseanne later that morning. As much as I want to avoid her, I still can't afford to deny a lady in need. Besides, we were acquainted before. I mindly excused.
But is it wrong of me to feel buttery in her presence? That doesn't mean anything right? The more weird thing about this was we were going to the same place, but I didn't knew she was the same girl Lisa mentioned to photograph today. So I came in together with Roseanne at the studio not knowing why we were going at the same place and at the same time.
It all made sense when Taehyung and Lisa both welcomed us in. Of course, Lisa wasn't expecting me and yes she was surprise but also dubious of the fact that I was with Roseanne. I could only feel sad about how she's still not secure of my feelings about her. I've told her many times, that I was trying. I was trying to live Jen's life and not of Jennie's. I was trying to be her girlfriend who cares for her dearly, and that Roseanne wasn't that big of an effect to me anymore. Conceivably saying.
Lisa and I shared time alone in her office when Taehyung prompted Roseanne to get ready. "Look what I have for you." I giddily showed her the basket of cookies I baked. "I thought of making you these since you'll have a long shoot to work with." I expressed, then a smile of gratitude appeared in her face and I couldn't be more relieved. I made her smile today. That was more important than anything.
I got a kiss on the forehead as she received my cookies. "Thank you, I appreciate this a lot." And all I could feel was her gentleness, although her eyes spoke a pinch of gloom. I sensed it. Me and Roseanne was in the back of her mind. That's it. I don't want her to be poisoning her mind again with negativity. "Hey, babe." I traveled my hands through her cheeks as I look across her orbs. "Nothing happened. I just helped Roseanne to get here because she had trouble with her car." Then a small smile formed in from Lisa as she spoke, "I believe you. You don't own me an explanation."
No, she doesn't believe in me. I worried in my mind. Doubt was obvious. I hated it. I hated the fact that I made her that way. I hated the fact that I made her insecure of our relationship. She doesn't deserve that and I despise myself whenever I think of what I did.
She walked away from her office first before I followed her out. It was time for me to go, I still have classes to attend to. I bid goodbye to Lisa and to her brother, Taehyung, which was still weird for me since he used to be my gay ex-boyfriend V. This past life makes me mental. I sigh inside.
After what happened I was restless for the rest of the day, my mind was creating these pieces of possible scenarios that might happen with Lisa and Roseanne working together. I can't wait for the night to drop and see Lisa again. I gladly admit that I miss her, almost every second apart. Crazy isn't it? That woman just turned me upside down. I spend the whole day in Campus with Jisoo. It was a normal, brain-draining day, I didn't talk or bother Jisoo that much because she had to study for the exams she skipped for the past week. She went on a flight to Berlin to help her Father with a business emergency that's why her head is pounding right now from all the studying she's been doing.
...
When the day ended finally, it was later that evening when I was embracing Lisa from the back as she drives her motorbike across New York to fulfill her promised date. Some place close to the moon.
And I was delighted when I heard the sound of the loud waves in the quiet night. Since then, I knew nothing could ruin this night of bliss but here I was looking at Lisa in gloom just because of what happened this morning. The moment when she said that she was never going to surpass the feelings I have for Roseanne, my heart broke to pieces.
I stood silent. My jaw clenched. Not that what she said was right, but I realized that I could never do her better. I can only tilt my head down, "I'm sorry." I lowly said in defeat as I embraced her slowly. "I'm sorry if I've failed you again."
I went near her ears and whispered, "But baby, believe me, I'm trying." My voice cracked. Maybe I couldn't get rid of Chaeyoung because she belonged inside this soul of mine. But so was Lisa, but the difference was that it was my heart that she owned. It beats for her. And that was a sure thing ever since.
The frailing night has made us fragile, with our hearts vulnerable and ready to break I spoke the words that might save her from the misery I gave. I embraced her as tight as I could and revealed the bareness of my heart with a gentle whisper of "I love you, Lisa."
...
a/n: i apologize for such delay. life's been busy.
lovelots.