"What's wrong?" Jane spun around in her office chair as I laid on her sofa. Sunlight spewed through between the blinds behind her. After working at another literary agency for nine years, she finally made the decision to form her own agency. She had a small office located a few blocks away from my apartment. It was one of the reasons why I decided to get a place nearby.
"I'm getting all these weird feelings about Hannah," I said.
"What kind of feelings?" Jane stopped moving her chair and placed her hands under her chin as she leaned forward on her desk.
"I don't know like I get so nervous around her and my heart kept beating rapidly," I explained.
"Do you like her?" Jane's eyes flashed with excitement.
"I...I do not. She's just tolerable." I, Cara Lee do not like people in any sort of way. They were either tolerable or intolerable to me.
"Then why are you feeling those ways?"
"Because I don't like being too close to someone. That's the only possible explanation."
'How close are we talking about," Jane asked as a small smirk formed on her lips.
"Nothing like the way you're thinking," I said in disgust. "She was just helping me stretch."
"You let someone help you stretch?" Jane clapped her hands together. " I never thought I would hear those words come out of your mouth."
"Me too." I sat up and took a deep breath. Why did I let her do that? I don't like it when anyone touches me.
"Why did your heart beat rapidly?" Jane's expression was finally serious.
"Probably because I was scared that we were too close."
"Was the stretching part the only time you felt your heart race?"
"Yes...I don't know. This is just so confusing." I took my hood off and smoothed out my hair. "I... I slept with her."
Jane's jaw almost hit the floor and she stared at me with shocked eyes. "Uh say again?"
"You know sleeping in the same bed," I explained.
"Were you drunk?" Jane shook her head in disbelief.
"No, I rarely drink," I said. "I was just sick and when I woke up I had my arms around her."
"Just wow, oh wow." Jane continued to shake her head. "Have you ever had a crush, Cara?"
"Like a school girl crush?" I don't think I've had. I remember in elementary when this girl that I thought was my friend kept pressuring me to tell her if I had a crush on someone and I just randomly picked some boy in our class. I made her promise me that she wouldn't tell anyone. It was one of the worst mistakes of my life. The girl told her friend and the friend told everyone in our class. Everyone made fun of me and the boy I chose to have a crush on, avoided me like the plague. I wonder if that is where my trust issues came from.
"Yes or maybe a crush on a celebrity," Jane suggested.
"Hmmm, I had one earlier in the year," I said after some thought. "I don't know if it is an actual crush."
"Who is it?"
"It was this Swedish singer. I loved the way she wrote her music because I could relate to it," I answered. "I was infatuated with her for a few months and I kept listening to her music and following her on social media."
"Her?" Jane quirked her eyebrow.
"Yeah.....ohhhhh." I got up from my seat and started pacing back and forth. "That never occurred to me before. Oh wow, I had a crush on a girl?"
Jane's eyes followed me as I had my own little conversation with myself.
"It's not like I thought of dating her or anything," I explained. "I just thought she was interesting and she made me smile."
"Do you think Hannah is interesting and does she make you smile," Jane questioned.
"Yeah, she's interesting." I stopped in my tracks and turned to face Jane. "She has made me smile before."
"I think we're getting somewhere." Jane clapped her hands together.
"It's not like I want to date her," I said. "Right?"
"That's something only you can answer yourself," Jane said. "How did you stop having a crush on the singer?"
"Well I found out she had a boyfriend and I thought it was very irrational for me to like a celebrity," I answered.
"And to like a straight girl," Jane added.
"Yeah, I guess that too," I said.
"But there could be a chance she could still be bi or pan," Jane said after some thought.
"True, but she's taken," I said. "I don't know why I care. I did not want to date her. "
"Sure keep telling yourself that," Jane said with a scoff.
I walked over and took the seat in front of Jane. "I actually met the singer."
"Did you tell her you love her," Jane teased.
My eyes narrowed into a glare. "No, and I was a mess. I don't think I barely said anything besides thank you. My sister pushed me toward her when I was trying to run away."
"Good sister," Jane said with a nod of approval.
"No, not good. My face was so pink and she kept hugging me," I explained. "I was so embarrassed."
"But those are great memories," Jane said.
"Maybe in ten years," I said with disdain. "I just stopped having my crush because I couldn't live down that embarrassing moment."
"It's hard to tell the girl that hasn't had a relationship before how to feel," Jane said.
"I think I'm just overacting and my body is just trying to adjust to being close with someone again," I said.
"You had friends before," Jane said.
"Yeah, during my freshman year of college," I said. I transferred schools and lost touch with them. I was terrible at staying in contact with people that I did not see daily. I had the same issues with my siblings.
"Did you ever get those feelings where you were nervous and your heart raced?"
I shook my head. They were friends, why would I have a crush on my friends?
"I think you like Hannah," Jane stated.
"Wha...." I could feel my eyes widen in shock as my mind tried to process what Jane had said.
"Hear me out." Jane raised a hand in the air to silence me. "You let her sleep in your bed with you. You let her help you stretch. You called her gorgeous."
"I...that... that doesn't..." No, it couldn't be. Those were just anomalies that would not happen again.
"When have you actively let someone shake your hand or even hug you," Jane questioned.
"Almost never if you don't include the times when someone does it without asking," I answered.
"When have you let someone come inside your bedroom," Jane asked.
"Never."
"When have you called someone gorgeous?" Jane placed her hand under her chin as she waited for my answer.
"Occasionally?"
"Lies." Jane slammed her hand on her desk.
My head snapped back in shock as I leaned back in my chair.
"Remember that time where that cute copywriter at Klein was flirting with you?"
"Not really," I said with a shrug.
"He was super cute in a skinny Clark Kent type of way," Jane said.
"So?" I don't know why Jane was bringing this up.
"Or that one time we went to Kelsey's birthday party," Jane reminisced.
"I don't like her. I don't think I like her family at all." Kelsey was Jack's niece who worked as a book editor at Klein. I'm pretty sure she got the job because of Jack. All she ever talked about were boys and all the parties she has gone to. I doubt she has ever read a book in her life.
"And she had those half-naked waiters," Jane added.
I could feel my face contort into disgust.
"While everyone else was swooning, you couldn't care how hot they were," Jane said. She tapped her chin with her finger, while in thought. "Now that I think about it, maybe if they were half-naked waitresses, you would have been interested."
"No, people should wear clothes," I said firmly.
"The point I am trying to make Cara is that you don't find anyone attractive," Jane explained.
"I can tell if someone is attractive," I said defensively.
"You can tell, but you're not physically attracted to them," Jane answered. "What did you think of Hannah when you first met her?"
"I thought she looked like a model."
"Did the words gorgeous, beautiful or sexy come to mind when you saw her?"
"No, she just looked like any other model to me," I said
"And now you think she's gorgeous," Jane stated. She smoothed out black her suit and gave herself a little pat on the back. She was proud of her conclusion.
"That was a mistake. I didn't mean to, well she is." I ran my fingers through my hair. "Models are supposed to be gorgeous."
"I think you're finally seeing how attractive she is because you like her," Jane explained. "You didn't feel an attraction to the other people because you didn't like them."
"Just because I said she was gorgeous does not mean I'm attracted to her," I stated.
"Ok, fine." Jane held her hands up in surrender "Why did you let her sleep in your bed? Why did you let her help you stretch?"
"Well, the sleeping thing was an acc...." I thought back to that day. After Hannah's giggling fit, we talked some more. We even stayed in my bed and binged watched cartoons on Netflix.
"Are you having second thoughts?" Jane quirked her eyebrow as she studied me.
"Well friends share a bed and watch cartoons together," I said.
"Yeah, but have you done that before?"
"No."
"Would you have done that with your previous friends?"
I shook my head. I didn't even like it when my friends hugged me and I allowed Hannah to hug me. "Hypothetically speaking. Let's say I did like Hannah."
"Hypothetically," Jane air quoted.
"It's not like she would like me in that way. She's probably not gay," I explained.
"Cara, anyone can be gay," Jane said. " I could be gay."
"Are you?" I stared at her quizzically.
"No, but sometimes I wonder because I am still single," Jane stated. "Like come on, I'm so great."
"Yeah, you are a woman of many talents," I agreed.
"Anyways, I like this new development," Jane said as she clapped her hands like a giddy school girl.
"There's nothing new. I'm just overacting," I said.
"Denial." Jane rolled her eyes.
"It's just a bad idea. She's my roommate. She's probably straight," I listed with my fingers. "She deserves better."
"Better?" Jane's eyes narrowed and she gazed at me with such intensity that she could have burn holes through my eye sockets. "You published your first book at nineteen. When you got your first paycheck, you bought your parents a new house. Then you paid off your siblings' student loans and made sure that your parents could retire early. You had two best-selling books by the time you were twenty-two. You are a catch."
"Yes, I did those things but I'm such a strange person. I have to have everything in a peculiar way, I'm not affectionate and I need a lot of space," I explained. "I would be a terrible girlfriend."
"Everyone has their own quirks, Cara," Jane explained. "Let the other person decide if you're a good or bad girlfriend."
I took a deep breath and nodded. "You're right."
"When am I not," Jane said confidently.
I tilted my head to the side in thought and when I was just about to answer, she held her hand out to stop me.
"You don't have to answer," Jane said quickly.
I chuckled as I got up from my seat." Thanks for your help, Jane. I have a lot to think about."
"That's what I am here for," Jane answered. "Oh, by the way, have you started a new story yet?"
"I have an idea I'm working on," I said.
A smile formed on Jane's lips. "I can't wait to hear about it."
I looked around her ivory colored walls and noticed that she had posters of my books on them. A third poster would look so good with the other two. I better start working on my novel.