» this is so long and so , so weird i'm sorry
Playlist:
Friends by Ed Sheeran
Can't keep waiting by Autumn Hill
»
Louis feels half of his body cold, really freezing, and the other half feels comfort and warm. The moment he's slowly trying to open his eyes he feels himself moving and his head, which previously was rested in something comfy and soft, slides down to the hard floor. Louis feels two arms wrapping around him straight away and he's pushed against a warm and soft chest. He notices that Harry had put him close to him and using his arms and legs as a blanket. Better, he feels much warmer.
He probably groans or makes some type of noise by how comfortable the position is, ignoring the fact that it's hard for him to breath, because Harry notices he's awake. "You're shivering." Harry whispers close to his ear while stroking his soft hair. Louis instantly grips Harry's shirt on his fists and he feels so small right now. "Better if we go to the room."
Louis hums and it doesn't work as an answer, he's still so sleepy and so comfortable, but Harry probably takes it as if it was because he moves, not pulling much away because Louis still feels the warmth from his strong body.
Louis doesn't know how Harry does it, but he's carried out of the floor and suddenly he's on Harry's arms. His eyes open a bit and he probably looks like a baby right now, he never thought this day would come, Harry carrying him as bride style to bed because they had fallen asleep outside. His hands make their way around Harry's neck and he doesn't give another glance to the dark sky and chilly night when he buries his face on Harry's hot neck.
Harry chuckles a bit and Louis feels him placing a kiss on his hair before starting walking. He hears the door shutting behind them and he's surprised that Harry didn't let him fall by trying to close the door with his feet.
"I'm heavy..." Louis' voice comes from his throat but it still sounds soft and low to Harry.
"You're not babe." Harry whispers back even being them the only ones in the house, while climbing the stairs.
Louis hums one more time before saying "You aren't supposed to carry me..." because no, Harry isn't. He's the younger one, the fragile one and is Harry the one supposed to be taken care of, not the other side. But fuck, why does Louis has to be tinier and Harry fucking tall.
"Why not?" Harry asks in amusement and Louis knows they're getting into the room. He also knows he can't reply to Harry with what he's thinking about.
"Because... just... because." he whispers sleepily against Harry's skin.
The way Harry gently lays Louis down in bed would make him think about millions of things, would light up those feelings Louis is so afraid of, however he doesn't have energy for it and he's still half sleeping since he doesn't remember what happened before he fell asleep on Harry.
The sheets are pulled up to cover his body and then Harry is laying down next to him. With eyes shut, Louis reaches for his best friend for a cuddle and he doesn't mind that is Harry holding him and it's him who looks so fragile.
Harry's hand goes up and down brushing Louis' bare arm like he usually does to the younger boy and Louis lets a sight leave his lips.
Before he falls asleep once again he listens to Harry's tired voice "I love you" he says and that would make Louis wake up in another circumstances because it's been a while since they share those three words and the last time Louis had said it Harry didn't say back. But he falls asleep with the comfort of Harry's warmth, once again.
In the morning, when Louis wakes up he's still in the same position he fell asleep last night. Harry is still holding him and he still feels his soft touches. Louis can't just remember how he ended up in the bed if the last time he recalls he was outside. With Harry. He was apologising. They talked about their future. Harry told Louis about what he wrote for –about –him. In a blink of an eye Louis was on top of Harry. Kissing his neck. And telling him... oh god.
"Good morning sleepyhead" He hears Harry in his usual tender voice
Louis quickly pulls away from Harry's chest but not too far since it's quite impossible with Harry's grip. The bed is huge but they manage to keep themselves in the centre, occupying the space of only one person.
Louis frowns a bit looking at Harry, however, the younger boy doesn't drop his smile and his soft look. Louis remembers all too well about last night but does Harry too? Louis needs to remind himself that he can't act crazy and definitely differently. Natural, he needs to be natural.
"You seemed to be sleeping so well, it's past midday." Harry chuckles. It's weird though, Harry seems to be awake for so long and Louis... Louis overslept and now he remembers when Harry carried him to bed and how he managed to keep in the same position, curled up on Harry's chest. Louis can't find the reason why he decided to have a perfect night of sleep, especially after yesterday.
"I thought you wanted to go to the beach early."
"Yes but when I woke up I was too lazy and comfy and as you can see through the window, the weather doesn't look happy." Harry rests his head on his palm while his elbow is pressed on the mattress and he points with his other hand at the window.
Louis makes sure to get rid of his shocked face and looks at the window. The sky is totally grey it almost looks like those cool days when he usually spends in bed with Harry even if it's in the afternoon and they've their daily clothes. They just lay down talking and sometimes snacking, or they decide to tease each other, or even playing with Daisy but always in the room with the blinds from the window open, ready to at any instant look at the drops of water falling on the glass from the window.
Louis groans and let's himself fall on the mattress again, now on his belly, grabbing the pillow on the side and laying his face there, looking at Harry.
"No fun. What do you wanna do then?"
"Hm, maybe we can eat something first and just be around here for a bit," Harry's eyes are locked with Louis' and Louis is listening to him, yes he is... he isn't only looking at his lips moving and admiring the way Harry looks at him as if... as if he is the world, the stars, the sun, the moon... the universe. "And then..." He leans a bit over, placing his hand over his other one and gets a bit closer from Louis. Not too close because Louis can still breathe his own air. There's still that safe space between them. "... then you can take me on that date you talked about last night." Harry smiles. Harry fucking smiles and Louis' eyes go wide. He does remember and now he's answering Louis. "Or were you just joking?" Harry's smile drops a bit
Louis opens his mouth but no sound comes and he looks like a complete fool now. They need to talk about this, they need to. Because okay, this date means a lot to Louis and he wasn't particularly kidding about it, he was serious and was feeling too brave for his own sake. The guilt was speaking so loud because Harry is the brave one here and Louis is the guy who can't speak his feelings to his best friend because he's too afraid. Maybe of rejection, probably, but also and mostly because of their friendship. This can change a lot, this can ruin everything.
"I –I ..."
"Were you joking, Lou?" Harry repeats and Louis has no voice to answer to that desperate and hurt question. Louis has no strength and his head is going around and it's all dizzy. Why did he wake up, why did he do what he did last night?
"I... I wasn't." Louis confesses and he can't fucking look at Harry right now so he looks at the sheets. How is Harry going to react? What is Harry going to think?
"Oh, okay." Harry says simply and from his tone of voice Louis can tell he's smiling. And he is, Louis looks up at him again and there it is that dimple saying good morning at Louis in such a majestic way.
"Okay?"
"Yes okay."
"Do you wanna talk about it?" Because they do need to, right? Best friends don't go on dates and Harry knows it. And if Louis asked Harry to go on a date – and leave alone the fact that he said to Harry that wanted to kiss him, but let's hope the young boy didn't listen – then he's almost confessing that he does want to be more than Harry's best friend. He wants to be more, he wants more from Harry.
"Not yet." Harry replies and he sounds so firm, he doesn't seem to be nervous like Louis is. Louis is almost shaking for god sakes.
"Okay." Louis repeats Harry's words even if it's not really okay.
"So where are you going to take me?" Harry sounds too smug but he looks away from Louis to lay belly up, looking at the ceiling with his hands behind his head. Louis just wants to tell him to change this subject and Harry should know better that Louis is feeling uncomfortable with it but he decides to keep mentioning.
"Dinner." Louis replies though, his voice is so little around the room. "A nice dinner. Like we never had before." Different because that's what this whole thing is gonna be, different. Louis is not ready but he can't wait for it. "In a good restaurant." Like those cliché posh ones, the ones you love and deserve. "And then... then you will see." Louis keeps his voice low. He knows he can't keep secrets from Harry – except well... you know – that's why he told him about the dinner. But he truly wants to surprise the boy with the other things he has prepared. He is embarrassed for having planned this date weeks ago. On those nights he stays awake looking into the darkness and wondering what would it be, their first real date. It's nothing special but screams Harry&Louis.
"Sounds wonderful." Harry doesn't stop smiling and that kinda makes Louis relax. Kinda, because he's so anxious about all of this that he smile back at Harry for a moment and drops the gaze right away, laying his face on the pillow, looking away.
Louis doesn't need to tell Harry that it's enough of talking about this subject because now, the curly boy gets it.
"Wanna stay in bed for a little while." Louis' voice comes muffled but Harry understands. He needs to rest his head and clear his mind for tonight, he needs to calm himself and think about millions of things to do so he doesn't screw anything.
There's no response from Harry but he feels the younger boy laying down as well, not so far from him but there's no touch between them. Minutes later Daisy appears and Louis finally looks at Harry because he needs. He needs to see the fond on Harry's expression when he looks at the kitten. It's the first time he sees her after the incident so he smiles widely and says I was so worried and I missed you, as if Daisy would understand everything.
Louis just keeps looking at Harry playing with her, trying not to think. But it's a bit hard when the concern is a constant. He hopes, he even prays, that after tonight things will still be the same between the two.
~*~
The day passes slowly, which has good and bad consequences, both the same. Louis has more time to think. Thinking leans to concern and anxiety and he is sure Harry is trying his best not to ask Louis what's wrong. Maybe he knows the answer, maybe he knows Louis doesn't want to talk about it so he doesn't pressures the boy, or maybe because he wants to avoid the subject as well. Maybe he is as worried as Louis. He doesn't know.
So after a long time in bed, they decide to go downstairs to the kitchen eat cereals because it's too late to eat dinner so cereals is always their answer. They watch a movie, they talk with Louis' family but they don't talk much with each other. Not that it's awkward, but both understand.
It's around 6pm that everything hits Louis but he's determinate to keep it cool about everything. He mentally tells himself that he's a man, like he used to do as a kid. It always worked so it has to this time as well, and this time he finally is. He doesn't feel like it and it's amazing how when he was nine he actually felt like a strong adult.
"I'm gonna get ready." He says standing up from bed and looking around on their suitcase and wardrobe for clothes. Harry doesn't answer but Louis feels him watching his movements.
When he finally has a dark blue shirt, a pair of jeans on his hands – simple clothes but that was hard to choose – and all the things he'll need to get ready, Harry opens his mouth to talk "Where are you going?" He asks looking at his best friend walking away from the room.
"Downstairs." He simply answers and when sees Harry frowning, still sat on the bed with his laptop he continues "Use this bathroom that I'll use the one from there."
"Why?"
"I wanna do this in the right way." Louis finishes and makes sure to smile at Harry before leaving the room.
He knows Harry will take less time than him, so he makes his best to get ready at quarter to seven. He brushes his teeth, he does his hair the best he can, making it soft and his fringe brushed to the side nicely, he basically takes a shower in his cologne and checks himself in the mirror at least five times.
He wants to look nice and he knows it's stupid because it's Harry. The one who had seen him sick, who had seen him purging when he got food poisoning, who sees him right in the morning, pale, with sleep in his eyes and his hair in his worst. The one who sees him drooling over the pillow at 4am, who sees him with his glasses, eyes tired and with dark circles under them, studying at 7pm, who had seen him crying hard till his eyes got swollen and still... still finds him beautiful whatever his appearance might be, whenever he is tired or sleepy, Harry always finds something beautiful and unique on Louis.
But today is different. Louis can say whatever he wants to stay relaxed, can do whatever he prefers on the date to keep things normally but he knows it'll be different.
He gets out of the bathroom and he's sure Harry might be ready since it's almost 7pm and he never takes more than fifteen minutes to get ready – and still looks his best, damn – but probably doesn't know what to do so stayed upstairs waiting for Louis. However, Louis has another idea.
He grabs the keys, opens the front door and goes outside, only to shut the door and look around trying to find what he wants. He's sure there is wild daisies in here, at least he remembers to see them. And he finds it, beside the house on the grass, just like the ones Harry was playing with the first time they saw each other. It's a tradition now, so he picks as many as he can and holds them all together with the hair tie he keeps on his wrist, from his sister.
He rings the bell and knocks twice at the door. He takes a deep breath and seconds later he hears Harry's voice from the inside, although he opens the door after shouting Louis' name twice.
Louis' face lights up when he sees Harry. He's dressed with his black jeans and the matching white shirt of Louis' dark blue. His curls are nicely brushed and defined and Louis is sure he also took a shower with his perfume because he can smell it perfectly. He looks gorgeous and Louis is taking this boy on a date... it's too much to process.
Harry's expression is from pure confusion at first but then Louis smiles widely and hands him the flowers, with the other arm behind his back.
"Lou..." Harry laughs while accepting the flowers
"You ready?" Louis keeps smiling and there it is... there it is the special glow on Harry's eyes, shinning only for Louis.
"I –I am yes." Harry starts going with the flow, probably reminding himself about what Louis said, I wanna do in the right way "Let me just put the flowers inside." He says smiling and disappears into the kitchen.
"Do you have the keys?" He asks when appears at the door again.
"Yes I do." Louis says and takes Harry's wrist to lead him outside. They shut the door from behind them and walk to the car.
When they're both sat on their seats and Louis starts the car he meets Harry's gaze and both smile at each other. There isn't one word spoken between them but Louis relaxes and doesn't feel that knot on his stomach he was feeling since this morning. He reminds himself, it's just Harry, your best friend so everything will be okay. Everything will stay normal.
~*~
When they arrive at San Carlo, an Italian restaurant, Harry gets why Louis wanted to come earlier. He hadn't made a reservation so arriving early would be important so they don't have to wait tones of time for a table.
Louis admires the way Harry looks around when they're already sat on a table. The ambient is amazing, the tables are covered in a white towel, with small lamps in the middle, the chairs are red and the details in wood on the walls are amazing.
"Do you want to share a pizza or do you prefer going for the pasta?" Louis asks, waking Harry up from his trance but not making the boy stop smiling.
"I don't really know... the pasta seems amazing but then the pizza..." Harry groans, looking at the menu and then at Louis at time. "I can't even choose, the menu is huge." Louis laughs at his comment.
"Well, we can order both."
"You're crazy."
"No, really. We order a medium pizza and a plate with pasta and we can taste both of then." Louis grins and Harry should have expected this suggestion from Louis by now.
Once, they went to a restaurant with Louis' family and they were torn between three dishes, so they ended up ordering the three so the two shared the meal.
"Fine."
They order their food and the drinks when the waitress comes to their table. It's a pretty lady in red lipstick, nice blue eyes, perfect teeth, dark long hair now in a ponytail and really friendly. It had to be Louis asking for everything in Harry's turn since he never feels comfortable doing it – though he is doing better when they go to the supermarket, since Louis has been helping him with his anxiety and it was Harry who bought the fruit the other day so it's a progress. However, Louis couldn't stop but notice the way the waitress smiled at Harry by seeing how shy he was being.
Louis laughs a bit with the way Harry thanks the woman before she walks away with their order and she says you're welcome sweetheart, making Harry blush.
"You're getting better in dealing with people." Louis comments. Even at school he can't stop but notice that he talks better with their classmates. Louis still gets worried about the fact that he is the only person Harry can count on. Louis would go crazy and he might not have other friends – mostly Harry's fault, but that's not a bad thing for Louis – to tell things and talk because Louis doesn't think he could handle this feelings' thing alone. If it wasn't his sister sometimes he would probably explode.
But there are still basic things in life like socializing with other people, a thing that Louis is able to do but Harry isn't.
"A bit. Thank you."
"Thank you for what?" Harry thanks Louis a lot, once he thanked him for being a person and breathing, which made Louis laugh but tell him that he loved him... and would still love if he was a plant, which didn't make much sense but Louis understood.
"For helping me with this thing."
"Oh. I didn't do much." And before Harry could deny it Louis finishes "You always do everything by yourself. I'm just there to hold you when you fall so you can keep going."
When Harry is going to say something else, the waitress comes back with the wine Louis ordered. Harry looks weirdly at it. She opens the bottle and puts a bit on both their glasses. Smiling and telling them the time the food will take, she walks away.
"I thought you were joking about asking for wine when you showed your ID." Harry says looking at his glass with the red liquid in it.
"I wasn't. This is supposed to be their best wine and I thought that this was, erm, a good occasion." Louis replies a bit unsure.
"Does it taste good?" Louis shrugs since he never really tried this type of wine "Well let's try then..." Louis actually feels surprised with Harry's chill with this thing but really, both need a bit of alcohol right now. "Cheers" Harry raises his glass and Louis does the same.
"Cheers."
When both bring their glasses to their lips and give one gulp, they both make the same grimace looking at each other.
"Pepsi?" Louis asks with the same disgusted face
"Pepsi."
~*~
The dinner goes perfectly fine. But, like, just as expected. Louis couldn't feel nervous about anything because the moment they start talking, with Pepsi replacing the awful wine while waiting for the food, Louis forgets that this is supposed to be a date. Harry probably forgets about that as well and that only makes Louis relax and relax and smile... because hell, he's so fucking happy. Like the normal happy and that's exactly how he wanted to feel.
Louis also hopes the waitress got that idea. Somehow he wanted to prove her that they're just best friends who hang around like this and hide the fact that he's deeply in love with the curly boy in front of him, whose laughter is louder than the whole people's voices talking from the restaurant and who he is with his legs tangled under the table platonically. Because let's admit it, the touch is needed, familiar and normal. Normal is good now and since they aren't side by side like they usually are so there's this touch of hair, brush of thighs, mess with fingers, they needed to find another way to still be close.
He's not sure if the beautiful lady got his idea but she didn't find weird when Louis asked her to take their extra plates because they were going to share the pasta and the pizza so no need of that. She only laughs and plays with it, a thing that isn't even normal happening with them in a restaurant since they always embarrass Louis' family by eating from the same plate.
Sure it's harder tonight when they're on the opposite side of the table, but they still manage to do it even if the white towel gets a bit – a lot – of unnecessary sauce's stains. They only laugh about it because it's not important now. Everything is blurry because they're having a deep, deep conversation.
"I'm telling you, that one time when we were walking home after coming from the book store, I swear that pigeon asked me for money." Harry comments putting a bit of pasta on his pizza. Louis doesn't even cringe with that, he does the same, he only cringes by Harry's comment. They're so fucking weird.
"You told me about it," of course "and what was my comment?"
"Yeah Lou, but listen –"
"My comment..." He repeats smirking.
Harry sighs deeply "That one time when I told you about Daisy telling me to go study, what did you say?" Harry tries his best to mimic Louis' voice, not failing completely
"And what did you say?"
Harry rolls his eyes "That you weren't studying when you should have been for your test so it was the pressure."
Louis smiles triumphantly "Same thing."
"It has nothing to do with that."
"Yes it does. You owned me money that time." Louis points it out, raising his eyebrows and resting his back on the comfy chair
"No I didn't." Harry says indignantly
"Yes you did. From that bet we did and you lost. Obviously."
"You're so full of bullshit."
"Excuse me my friend but I'm a honest person"
"Oh yeah? What bet did I lose then?"
"Well young Harry I think the night is too short to name all those times you lost against me." Louis smirks and Harry opens his mouth playing hurt and shaking his head.
"You're such an awful person, Lewis."
"Did you just called me –"
"Excuse me, are you finished?" The waitress interrupts, only to make them notice that they've eaten all the food already.
"Oh, yes, thank you." Louis answers and smiles politely when the woman takes their plates. Harry silently mumbles fake at Louis, talking about his smile and Louis answers with a fuck you.
"Will you want the dessert?" She asks
"I'm so full Louis, I don't think I have more space." Harry comments looking at his best friend.
Louis only smirks and prepares for his next cue "I bet you can't eat the cheese cake and the petit gateau while I can."
~*~
"I think I'm gonna puke." Louis groans, wrapping his arms around his belly and walking painfully slowly through the street.
"That's your fault, not mine." Harry laughs and tries his best to speak and walk normally as if he wasn't in pain as well. "Imagine if you had won." Harry smirks
"Oh shut up." He groans one more time and Harry needs to laugh again by the way he's walking behind him. His back bent over and head down. "Don't be so smug of yourself. It's probably the first time you won me at something anyway."
Harry shrugs "Yeah but I won the best price. Watching you in pain, the pleasure of saying I told you so and you paid for the whole dinner."
"Oh shut up. Besides," Louis starts walking straight and trying to keep side by side with his best friend. His face still shows pain but the look he gives Harry is softer "I was going to pay for dinner anyway. It was me who invited you."
"Oh," Harry simply says and his expression changes as well, though, Louis shouldn't feel worry but he still realises that it's the first time they mention that this is actually a date. This is different from the other times. "Where are we going then? Because the car was on the other way." Harry changes subject right away, as if saying Louis that he still doesn't want to talk about this whole thing.
"Oh, yeah, you'll see. The way is just fifteen minutes by foot and I think," He groans and stops for a second "it's nice if we just walk to digest... the food."
Harry shakes his head laughing but still grabs Louis' arm to make him walk saying "come on old man."
The walk seems longer than fifteen minutes, probably because Louis walks in slow steps, which would be terribly annoying for another person, but for Harry is just ... cute. He also can't stop protesting and groaning and Harry makes his best to ignore the people's look. It consists in this and them hoping that it doesn't rain because if that, they'd probably be fucked.
They reach the docks and then keep walking as if following the river. "Why are we in an arena?" Harry asks, he actually isn't tired of walking because this way he got to know a little bit more the city and wow, it's incredible.
"We are going to what the arena is hiding." Louis says, now feeling better he takes Harry's hand in his so they start walking in bigger steps. Their hands aren't intertwined like they usually tend to be when they hold hands, they aren't even holding them properly, so Louis doesn't feel the so well-known storm on his belly. If that, he'd probably blame the whole food he has on his stomach.
They go along the street around the arena and when they spot some people in a queue and Harry looks up, his eyes shine and his lips part in surprise. Of course Louis has to catch his expression since the start of his dimply smile till the way the crinkles in the corner of his eyes appear.
"Lou..." Louis is sure Harry just gasps
"I know it's not like the gigantic Ferris wheel from London. But this is Liverpool and it is the best I can get you." Louis shrugs a bit sadly. He knows that Harry probably wrote on his bucket list ride a Ferris wheel, after seeing the huge one in London, so this one is nothing in comparison. But he still wants Harry to make it and who knows one day he can take Harry at the one in London. Or maybe the otherwise.
"Lou..."
"Harry..." Louis laughs but then he feels Harry pulling him into a tight quick hug and then pulling away by his shoulders.
"Let's go, please, please, please..." He whines like a little kid and that only makes Louis chuckle and start walking to the queue.
They wait a bit till it gets their turn to buy the tickets and get on the cab, Harry always jumping a little as if he wanted to go pee and once again, he looks like Louis when he was a kid. A happy kid, a thing Harry wasn't.
At the end, for Louis' relief, they stay alone in a capsule since they were the last in the queue and it is about to close. Silence takes over them and thankfully it doesn't make Louis drown on it and feel alone in the dark. Harry is just in front of him and even not making any physical contact, they stay looking at each other. When Harry's lips twist into a warm smile, he looks away at the window to look at the view.
It goes like that in the first round and Louis was sure that they'd stay in silence the whole time. It's a comfortable silence so it's okay. But then Harry meets Louis' gaze and they lock eyes once again. Louis blushes a bit – and what is going on – since Harry just caught him staring, but that's surely not the first nor second time this happens.
"Why did you ask me on a date?" Harry asks and this is the moment when Louis' heart stops. Harry notices the way Louis tenses on his seat and how his blue eyes go wide so he continues "I mean... we hang out so many times Louis, why did you want to name this one?" and yes, that's true. But they're best friends and Louis is conscious that those other times weren't like this. Even if they acted normal tonight, it had another meaning. "Is this even our first date?" or he thought it had.
"Erm," and why is he hesitating on his answer "I –I think so..." Harry's expression keeps the same, which is hard to read so Louis just feels like there's not air enough in this capsule. "No?"
"Lou... This is serious."
"Fuck," Louis breathes out "Harry please don't." he's literally begging because, hell he knows this is serious, he knows this is dangerous and – "I'm so scared." he just wants Harry's arms around him but he knows that won't happen now. He also remembers the time Harry said him that they couldn't, after he made sure that he wanted Harry to kiss him. Harry knew, he needed to. And Louis is sure he's the only one in love here because Harry made it clear. "I have no idea what this thing is for you, I don't –"
"This was nice." Harry interrupts him "I liked it. We never, like, had a dinner like this one. And you brought me here, which is amazing. It was different."
"Exactly, this is different Harry, besides everything, it's different. And this different is –"
"Do you think is right, Louis?"
"No." Louis replies lowly, looking down at is lap. It's wrong screwing their friendship and Louis is so afraid about what Harry can think about the way Louis feels towards him. Knowing that he's gay for him, that their kiss was something else for him, that when they were high and fucked, Louis felt it and it felt good and he just wants to do it again. No, he wants to make love to his best friend over and over again and that's so wrong and Louis wouldn't feel surprised if Harry found if disgusting.
"But it was always okay, Lou." Harry breaks his thoughts in his soft voice. Slowly but alarming he looks up at Harry again "I don't wanna lose you. That's my fear, losing you. It just torments me because you're my everything and I'm so thankful for everything you've done to me. For being alive, helping me to be as well. You know that don't you?" Louis bites the inside of his cheek till he tastes blood, but he nods anyway even if it wasn't supposed for him to answer. "I don't want that to change and... I love you so much Louis, really I love you but –"
"I know you do Harry and I love you too but you need to know that... that –" Harry smiles but it's so small, so little almost as if he's saying no you don't.
"It scares me too Lou..." So he says "how I love you... it scares me as well."
Louis doesn't know what to do, what to say and he's not sure if Harry just confessed what Louis wants to do for ages but has too many fears to do it so. Once again, Harry is the brave one and Louis is the person who can't speak, can't speak his feelings. He hates it, he truly does and now Harry just smiles to him sadly, when he doesn't say anything back and looks at the window again.
He doesn't have a voice so he can't make Harry talk, continuing speaking because they need to talk about this and they haven't done it yet. But then he realises, they haven't done it because he can't speak. Harry talked and for what it seems he said what he wanted and Louis knew he was waiting to hear something back, but it never came. Louis is just a coward, a coward that wants to keep a boy safe with him and just magically make him understand what he's feeling. A coward who wants to be with such a wonderful and brave boy.
~*~
Louis honestly just wants to break all this silence by shouting Harry can't you fucking see that I'm completely in love with you? That I fell fucking hard for you? But he fucking can't and if he could he'd break all his bones. It's been almost thirty minutes of silence.
Silence while they finished the last round on the Ferries wheel, silence while they walked back to the car, silence the whole way home. It just sucks and fucks everything up because this is what Louis fears and it fears what Harry is thinking right now.
He parks the car not in front of the house like it was previously, but a little further from it – not much though, just on the park two minutes away. He isn't going to screw up their date as well, especially when it can be their last one.
"Hum, I was planning about taking a walk on the beach." he informs Harry, his voice picking on his throat by the amount of time he was quiet worrying about everything. His head is a mess and he has so many thoughts messing around with him that he needs this last walk.
Harry nods and offers him a small, tiny really, smile. "That's really nice" and wow, it feels good to listen to his voice.
They walk to the small stairs that goes to the path in deck and Louis takes off his shoes – they were killing him since he isn't wearing socks – and walks to the sand.
"Lou," Louis sighs in relief "You know it's really dark out there." Harry almost whimpers.
"I know. You trust me?" Louis offers him his hand and Harry looks attentively at him, but he doesn't waste time taking off his shoes as well, putting his socks inside of them and nodding, he accepts Louis' hand.
Louis takes time observing the way his smaller hand fits so well with Harry's bigger one, the way the spaces between their fingers were made to fill up with the other one. It's perfect, warm and familiar so Louis loves it. He squeezes Harry's hand but doesn't look at him when starts walking and leading the boy along the sand.
It's true, it's dark. The only lights available are from the weak lamps on the other side of the deck, and the moon. However, the sky is still covered in clouds so the full moon is being hidden by them. The waves are loud on the side and maybe that's why Louis feels like Harry is afraid of them now.
"They sound so close from us." Harry comments, voice low but still so soft and beautiful mixed with the sound of the ocean.
"But they're far away, don't worry." Like us right now, Louis thinks. He wishes that there was more lights so he could see Harry's features better, instead they only become a little bit visible if he stares for a long time.
He knows the walk won't be long because the rocks close from the house aren't too far from where they are walking now. But it's still good and the cold wind is wonderfully hitting his face. It still feels warm somehow.
"Thank you," he hears Harry's voice. He doesn't answer, he doesn't need to. He also isn't sure about what Harry can be thanking him for, but he knows all the reasons why Harry says this. Every. One. And there are so many. "Thank you for loving me." but Harry explains the reason, which is surprisingly good.
And I do, I do love you so much. Louis wants to say, but he doesn't, instead he holds Harry's hand tighter.
"I wish I could tell you how I love you, Louis." Harry whispers, loud enough not to be swallowed by the waves so Louis is able to listen to him. "I wish I could tell you everything I keep inside of me."
Me too, and I keep so many, especially the way your eyes made me fall for you and it hurt It hurts. Louis remains in silence, the wind speaking for him.
"But I can't find the right words. I'm sorry."
Don't worry, look at me, I can't even speak.
"You make me feel really... really special and you offered me not only a friend. I need you, Lou."
And I want you.
"I feel this way for such a long time but you never noticed. Maybe because I never really wanted you to know. Because it's so intimate, it's just another secret."
Harry...
"I was so scared because we're best friends. Best friends aren't supposed to kiss,"
Meanwhile I want to kiss you all the time
"Best friends aren't supposed to sleep in the same bed, aren't supposed to act as if they're one person and love each other this way."
But I love you, I love you, I love you...
"I'm not supposed to love you this way, Lou..."
Yes you are. It's okay because I love you the same way. It was always okay remember?
But Louis doesn't say any of these things. Now he just stops, he freezes and even not letting Harry's hand go, the younger boy walks two steps alone till he's forced to stop.
One of them drops the hand of the other and Harry looks back at Louis. "Can you please say something?" Harry says desperately and finally loudly, unlike the soft and low tone of voice he was talking previously.
Don't you see that I'm a coward and can't speak?
"Lou..." his voice is so hurt and is shaken up so Louis is sure he's about to cry, if he isn't already. If it wasn't so dark Harry could see Louis' shocked face and could tell that his heart is beating so fast that he's almost afraid of having a heart attack. "Why aren't you –Louis..."
But Louis still doesn't speak, still doesn't move but when they feel drops of water falling, when Harry feels the rain mixing up with the tears of his face, it's his cue to walk away. So he turns around, facing his back at Louis and starts walking in long steps.
Louis listens to his sobs and sniffles and maybe he realises, maybe he thinks that this scene is the one when Harry leaves him, the one that makes them change and the one that he feared the most to happen.
"Harry, please stop." His voice is heard, loud and it's not only on his thoughts.
Harry silhouette is seen five steps away from him, he has turned around and Louis is sure he just wiped his tears away. But he doesn't waste time analysing anything else when he starts running towards Harry, as cliché as possible, pushing the sand behind.
When he reaches Harry, he lets his shoes fall on the floor, takes the younger's boy face on both his hands and crashes their lips together. And he kisses him so damn hard, he moves his lips in such urged and lusted way that both are breathless. But there is no time to break the kiss to breathe, that is something for weak people and Louis now, might hadn't had spoken what he needed, what he wanted but hell, he did what he should.
And it's good, so good kissing Harry's lips so vigorously, in such way that only Louis is able and will always be able to. It's so familiar and Harry tastes like chocolate and... and love. Louis is so, so in love. In love with everything really, every bit of Harry's body, every piece of what Harry is and right now in love with his words and lips.
He tastes those previous words spoken and god, he just wants to tattoo them on his body. It's so sloppy and still so clumsily but nothing matters, just the sound that their lips together make with the sound of the waves. It's so dark but Louis can still trace Harry's lines from his face and still picture them perfectly, knowing them by heart. The rain is so cold hitting them but their impossibly close bodies make them sweating.
It's so beautiful. So prefect and so fucking cliché
"You can check, kissing in the rain from your list." Louis says pulling away just a little bit, to say breathless, the oxygen from his lungs are his and Harry's.
Harry mumbles something under his breathe but Louis doesn't get that and it's not that it bothers him. Harry is letting his own shoes fall on the sand as well, to pull Louis close to him again by his waist and it's wet and there's tongue, there's also rain and embarrassed sounds and just so much love and fond.