CHAPTER FORTY SIX- Confess me.
One.
Two.
Three.
“Hi you’ve reached Ashley! Sorry I can’t take your call right-“
Bloody hell.
The number was staring me right in the face, mocking me, punishing me for my sins.
Ashley Jessicaa Dawson<3 (56) Failed calls.
The story of my life for the past three days. But in all honesty, what did I expect? Did I expect her to just forgive me like nothing happened? To tell me it was fine, and that she forgave me? Ashley is a very forgiving person, but not that forgiving. I didn’t deserve it, I knew I didn’t. And neither did she deserve to be treated the way I’ve treated her lately. But I still did that. I don’t even know where I found the heartlessness to do that though. I was normally the one who had to chase her, who had to ring her because she was equally as busy as me. Maybe I kind of enjoyed the feeling of being the one with the missed calls, the text messages, voicemails, just to feel a bit of attention from her, since a lot of it goes to her job. Which is completely understandable, her job is involved; I know that much and I understand that we can’t talk to each other all the time. But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible, if she’s making the effort, why couldn’t I? Did I feel proud of myself? Maybe it just felt nice to feel wanted from her. To face the facts, on the outside, every guy wants a girl like Ashley. And it felt special to know that I was the only guy that she was chasing, that she was leaving the voicemails for and that she had eyes for and wanted to speak to. At least I thought that until I saw those pictures. But I guess she didn’t feel much better when she saw the pictures of me. So maybe, when I thought I was doing the right thing, I was being a major hypocrite.
And of course it didn’t help that Zayn and Louis felt the need to keep dropping in these comments. Telling me that it was fine, I didn’t have to speak to her every day, just because I’m in a relationship it doesn’t mean I should have to feel tied down all the time. But the truth was that I didn’t feel tied down when I was in my normal routine of calling her, video calling and texting her whenever I could. Because I wasn’t tied down, that was my own decision, it was what I wanted to do and it was my way of feeling like I was staying close to her even if physically she’s on the other side of the world. But I listened to them – let them convince me – that she wouldn’t mind that I wasn’t speaking to her a lot, or at all. They said it was good to have a bit of free rein in relationships, to have a break sometimes. Maybe it is for them, but now I’ve realised that it’s not like that at all for me. I don’t want to have free rein, I’m perfectly happy with my long distance relationship with the girl I love, or I was, until I let them convince me to screw things up.
I was at a complete loss without speaking to her though. I was beside myself; I had no clue what to do. Like when I picked up my phone I had nothing to do with it because I would normally be picking it up to text or call Ashley or whatever.
I found myself typing another text, this is literally about the hundredth text like this and I’ve completely spammed her phone, but I don’t know what else to do.
I’m sorry. I really am. x
It wasn’t like I was expecting her to reply, or possibly even open it, but I sent it anyway; just in one, desperate attempt to get the message across and hopefully hope she’d believe me. After it sent, I felt the anger bubbling up inside of me and before I knew it I was watching it fly across the room, hitting the wall it fell to the floor, falling apart as it did so. But I was too used to watching things fall apart in front of my very eyes to care.
“Whoa, what’s with the violence man?”
Louis asked as he walked in and crashed down onto the sofa opposite me. I stared at him for a few seconds, wondering how he could be so casual. After all, it was partially his fault that Ashley wouldn’t speak to me at the moment. And he was the one who persuaded me into going the other night to that club along with Zayn, Harry didn’t care if I went or not, he just wanted to bang Tiffany, it didn’t matter to him. He also told me I should speak to Ashley, it was Louis and Zayn who seemed so hell bent that what Ashley didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. But I don’t think they quite understood that there wasn’t a lot that Ashley didn’t know, I always told her everything, even my mistakes, because if I had hurt her or had been disloyal then she deserved to know. I didn’t know why they seemed to have the idea that it was easy for me to keep secrets from her.
“Him and Ashley aren’t speaking.”
Harry chimed in like this was nothing; Louis arched an eye-brow giving me a confused look.
“Why not?”
As always, Harry replied before I could.
“She’s cheating on him or he’s cheated on-“
“No she’s not!”
I protested and he looked slightly taken aback and then he shrugged giving me a confused look.
“Well so-rry. I don’t know do I?”
I sighed sinking back into my seat.
“Niall what have you done?”
Louis sung giving me a pointed look. I was rather surprised he didn’t know what I’d done since Liam had spent the past three days lecturing me, telling me that he wasn’t surprised she was ignoring me and it had been all over twitter and all the gossip sites. Obviously they didn’t fail to throw in a lot of photos of Ashley and I next to the photos from the club.
What happened to Nashley?
Short lived rekindled romance?
Horan switches from Blonde fashion icon to Redhead stranger.
I rolled my eyes as the list reeled off through my ears. So monotonous and blunt, it was like reciting times tables, if you do it enough times eventually it’s etched into your brain for life. Unfortunately I didn’t need to repeat it; it would already forever haunt me. I would probably never forgive myself; I just hope Ashley can think differently. She has to be able to see how sorry I am. But I guess sometimes, sorry isn’t good enough, and silence says all there is to say.
“Something stupid.”
I muttered. I was hoping he would leave at this but then a recent issue of Heat flew across the room landing on the coffee table in front of Louis and I and I threw my head back and closed my eyes not even wanting to look at that picture again. Jess was a nice girl, but she really wasn’t my type, and even more so when I was supposed to have a long term girlfriend. I still had no idea what to do about the whole Ashley’s ‘mystery man’ situation, but right now, I was in enough trouble then to start twisting it on her. At least I was smart enough to conclude that, but right now, it really didn’t feel like I had anything left to lose.
“Oh my god Nialler. What the fuck were you thinking?!”
Louis exclaimed as his eyes darted across the article. I couldn’t help but notice how they always chose the most intimate pictures of Ashley and I, just to make things seem even worse. I bet she wasn’t exactly happy about the various articles either, not because I basically cheated on her – because she bloody well knew that – but because this really put the spotlight back on her. And she hated the spotlight. She hated attention too, some people lap it like they’ve been starved of it for years, but Ashley, she loathed it when all eyes were on her. Which is why she always hated making appearances with me, she did it because you can’t always have everything your way and because she knows I like it when she does but that’s not to say she enjoys it, at all.
“I wasn’t,” I grumbled. “I don’t even remember it, I was wasted Lou.”
“So was I, which is why I don’t remember this either.”
“No, you don’t remember it because you were banging some brunette in the bathroom.”
“Oh yeah…”
He didn’t exactly seem proud of it though, rather wistful actually. But he’d been going through stages of this for a while now, acting the complete opposite. Normally he would be raving about getting off with a girl he’d just met at a club, but not anymore, he almost made it sound like it was a chore, which kind of confused me. He’s obviously hiding something; and now I can understand Ashley’s frustration when she tried to tell me that there was something going on but I just brushed it off. But right now, that’s the least of my problems.
“So she’s pretty pissed off with you, right?”
Understatement.
“Of course she is. I mean, she has every right to be.”
“But you were drunk Niall, she knows you do stupid things when you’re drunk.”
Louis shrugged. He was still so casual. I almost launched a cushion at him – or something harder – I just didn’t understand how he could talk about it like it didn’t matter. This was what had been occupying my thoughts for pretty much the past three days and he was acting like it was nothing, like she’d get over it in the end, but I wasn’t sure she would. Ashley’s a very understanding person, but I know she’s never understood cheaters; after all, she’s been cheated on before. I don’t know the details, I just know it was the last boyfriend she had before she met me. Lewis? Logan? Luke? Luke. That’s it, Luke. I can’t even comment, since that would be yet again – being a hypocrite.
“It doesn’t matter. How does she know I don’t snog a girl every time I get drunk? I’ve lost her trust Lou, and I hate it.”
“Because she’s normally with you when you get drunk and you snog her…”
“That’s not the point.”
“So…Earn her trust back.”
Still- he was acting like it was simple. Maybe it was to him, it was supposed to be black and white. So simple I could write it in a single bullet point and it’d be clear, but it wasn’t. Earn her trust back. Four words, nineteen letters and four syllables. It seemed so simple like that, so why wasn’t it? Because with Ashley, things are never simple.
“It’s harder than you think.”
I mumbled and he raised his eye-brows.
“I don’t understand why. If she trusts you, she should believe you when you say that you’re sorry and that it was a mistake.”
“That’s the point Louis; she probably doesn’t trust me anymore. You don’t understand. I was the only person she put her one hundred percent trust into and I messed up. It’s gonna practically take the world to get it back.”
“No, I don’t think it will.”
He shrugged. He said this so matter of factly it almost made me wonder how he could be so sure, as if he had been in this position before. But that was impossible wasn’t it? Ashley was my girlfriend, not Louis’.
“How would you know?”
He shrugged again; even though it was blatant he did know.
“She’s quite a forgiving girl, if you ask me. You know she likes the simpler things, right? You don’t have to go big to show her you love her and all. She‘d much rather have something that didn’t cost anything than something that cost the world. I guess that’s what growing up rich does to you. It either sends you to despise it, or it makes you want everything expensive. Ashley, clearly went with the first one. Which is probably good, for your behalf.”
“Louis…How do you know that? I thought I was the only one who knew those type of details about Ash.”
He shrugged; I was getting tired of that.
“We used to be close. She told me a lot of things.”
Suddenly I had a pang that told me he was trying to make me jealous – I knew what he was saying about Ashley was true – but I just didn’t get how he knew that. He was right though, Ashley did like simple stuff, she hated it when things were over complicated, but that was just her. Like Louis said, she’d rather you gift her something that didn’t cost anything at all but still held meaning than something that practically cost the world. That was one of the million things I loved about Ashley; she’d rather be poor and happy, than rich and unhappy.
On this thought, I concluded that I really couldn’t live without her for a second time, and I had to just keep trying and eventually; I might be able to turn things around.
“I’m gonna-I’m gonna go and try again…”
I announced and then stiffly got up all while Louis just looked at me.
“Okay,” He shrugged (again). “Good luck.”
I nodded curtly murmuring a quaint “Thanks.” As I traipsed up the stairs. I was still suspicious of how he seemed to know how to handle Ashley so well. I did too, I just thought I was the only one – and I had for a while – but I brushed it off, after all, the last thing I needed was to pis anyone else off.
My finger hovered over the Call Mobile button. I’d done this so many times, only for her to instantly reject my call. I knew how the routine would go every time, but still every time I called her in the mere hope that she’d pick up I’d still get ridiculously nervous, my heart thudding in my chest, my palms sweating and my whole body would suddenly feel ridiculously hot and clammy. And the nauseated feeling churned in my gut like a tumble dryer on full speed. This is bad. I thought to myself. I bet this isn’t very healthy either. I pushed my nerves aside and pressed the button. It actually rang, not go straight go to voicemail, it rang for so long that when it stopped I was preparing myself to leave another voicemail but then she actually answered – too bad I couldn’t speak.
“Niall.”
Her tone was so blunt, monotonous. It made me feel ridiculously small, like I was some new kid walking in late on the first day of class. But not even her cold demeanour could fool me. I could hear the hurt behind her cool mask of bitchiness, the way her voice cracked slightly – only slightly – before she spoke. She wasn’t going to fool me, she was hurt, of course she was. And I knew that voice, that tone she was speaking in. She’d been crying. It was crazy how I could pick this up from the simple stating of my name, but I could, and it said a lot.
“A-Ashley, have you got a minute? Cus if-“
“Spit it out Niall. I don’t want you to sugar-coat things, I just want the truth. I need the truth, Niall.”
I’d fought with her before; she’d spoke to me in this tone before. But it was never with those types of words. And for once, I didn’t understand. And it scared me to death. She was speaking to me like we were doing business or something, not as if I was her boyfriend. But I didn’t even know if I was allowed to class myself as that. I didn’t blame her if I wasn’t.
“O-Okay. I just…I’m so sorry. You know I was completely wasted, right? But I’m not using that as an excuse. Because it’s not. There is no excuse, I made a mistake. A huge one and you have to know how sorry I am. I know sorry probably isn’t good enough, but right now Ashley, it’s all I have. I know-I know I’ve lost your trust and I totally understand why, I mean, I deserve it. But I want to earn it back Ash, I want you back, I need you back. And I-“
“Niall?”
Her voice was less blunt now. She’d taken the mask away and I could tell she was crying. She had always been a silent crier, she just shook as the tears poured from her eyes, it would be impossible to tell if you didn’t pay attention; but I always did. And I knew when Ash was crying, and she was now. And I couldn’t shake the guilt factor that I made her. I never will.
“Yes?”
I squeaked. God I sound so pathetic right now. I guess am pathetic, I’m a pretty pathetic excuse for a boyfriend.
“You never lost me.”
For a moment I wondered if I had heard her right. I cheated on her; I was pretty damn sure I had lost her. I’ve put her through so much in the space of merely two weeks and she’s still telling me that she’s still mine? Damn Niall, all gossip articles and misleading pictures disregarded, this girl isn’t cheating on you, and she never would.
“What? Ashley I’ve been a terrible boyfriend and-“
“No, you haven’t.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. She was not seriously telling me this. I’ve taken her for granted majorly these past two weeks and she’s insisting that I haven’t been a terrible boyfriend? This cannot be true. And I can’t accept it, there is no way I deserve this.
“Yes I really have. It’s okay for you tell me that because I know I have. Ash…I-I don’t deserve you to be nice about it.”
“Niall I’m not being nice about it, I’m being honest. Y-You remember when I broke up with you?”
Why was she talking about this? I slowly nodded, only a beat later realising she couldn’t see me and then I realised I had to speak. I don’t want to have that conversation again, we’ve had it enough times and how she feels so guilty kills me.
“Y-Yes.”
“Well I wasn’t exactly being the best girlfriend, was I?”
“Ashley, what are you talking about? That has nothing to do with this. I’ve-I’ve totally screwed up this time and-“
“I know you have.”
Now I was officially confused. As if I wasn’t to begin with.
“Well then wh-why-“
“Niall, I’ve completely screwed up with you more than once, you and I both know that. It’s not the end of the world. Sure, I’m really mad at you right now, more hurt than mad, but still. My point is that we all make mistakes and I can’t say that I haven’t made a lot, and when I have, you still forgave me.”
“Ash, you really don’t have be so nice. I’m honestly so sorry…”
“I know you are and so am I. I’m sorry that I clearly wasn’t enough for you, so much so that you had to find someone else to snog at a club and then get your picture on every magazine in the world. Believe it or not, it hurt to have to find out like that-“
“I swear I didn’t mean for you to find out like that.”
“Well maybe you didn’t. I don’t know, I just don’t know who I can trust anymore, that’s my point.”
This was killing me.
“Honestly Ashley if I could take it back then I would in a heartbeat. It was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made and I’m so sorry.”
“I know you’re sorry, you can stop saying it. I’ve-I’ve done some thinking and I just thought that m-maybe, maybe we need a break or something I-I don’t know…”
A break? No way.
“Ash, please. Let me prove to you that I’m sorry. I don’t want a break, I want you to know how sorry I am-“
“Niall it’s not that simple. I know you’re sorry, I don’t you need to prove that to me. But saying sorry doesn’t prove that I can trust you. I’m sorry Niall, I’m sorry for what I’m about to do, so sorry. And believe me, this is gonna hurt me as much it’s gonna hurt you but I just think it’s for the best. I mean who am I kidding? I never see you anyway. So do me a favour and stop thinking about me and get on with your life, just know, that I love you and I promise this isn’t the end.”
Before I could even think about forming another pitiful reply she had ended the call. Which for her, was probably for the best since I could hear the tears getting more and more evitable in her voice, but I didn’t mind that. For all I cared she could be absolutely screaming at me, as long as she was speaking to me. But she had already hung up and I knew that she wouldn’t take another call from me again in a while. After all, I think we’re on a break now, whatever that means. I guess the only slither of hope I have left is that she told me this isn’t the end. So that means she’s willing to sort it out with me sometime, right? I don’t even know anymore. She seemed as if she had everything sorted out while she was speaking to me, she made everything sound so simple and spoke of it like it should make sense. But the thing was, to me, it made no sense at all.
I knew my time was limited and if I wanted her to know things, I had to be quick about it. My fingers were ridiculously shaking as they tapped against the keypad.
I love you too, so much. Just know, that I’m not gonna give up x
Almost instantly she text back.
I know.
She knows? She knows. Knows what? I have no idea. That I love her? That I’m not gonna give up? I don’t know. I decided to leave it, if we were supposed to be on a break I was pretty sure that meant no contact. However much that was going to kill me, maybe it was the only way to save our relationship. After all, sometimes, silence speaks the loudest.
-
I narrowed my eyes trying to squint through the thick snowfall. The flurries of white were pouring from the sky the same way water spilled from a bucket. Fast, surprising, and always succeeded to leave it’s mark. Any traces of heat had been lapped up into the clouds and devoured, being spat back out in malicious balls of powdering ice. I shook my head, blinking and running my hands through my hair as the intricate detail that were snowflakes gathered on me, latching themselves onto my clothes and skin. The air was just as cold, nipping at my skin and leaving unreserved traces of algid memories on it as they etched their way in. The streetlights reposed a soft and orange glow as they caught the snowfall tumbling past them. Making the flecks of white glint and glisten against it, catching it in vision for just a mere second before they passed and continued to plummet to the ground. Creating a thick bed of bleak and frosty snow on the benumbed pavements and roads; maybe it would be gone by morning, or maybe it would stay there for days –weeks even – but as always there was never any telling. You could put money on anything, you could try and tweak the future, you can make predications, estimations, you can gamble, but you’ll never really know until you get there.
This was just the latter part of my journey that had begun at four – now I had no idea what the time was, but it was dark, really dark – I couldn’t stand to be there anymore. I just had to get away, the comments, the reminders, just everything. It was all too much; I also didn’t know where I was going, or where I had been, for that matter. But I had probably been there with Ashley before, after all, where hadn’t we been together when we didn’t feel sleeping and just walked anywhere. That was always something I loved doing with Ashley, no matter what the time, where we were, whether we had permission to or not, we’d just walk somewhere, anywhere. We’d get lost, we’d get caught in a thunderstorm, we’d fall over, we’d make out in the lowest temperatures London’s ever seen, we’d trespass, and maybe we’d even wonder out of the city. But one thing was for sure, we were together, and that was all that mattered. Not at the moment, but it would. Despite all hope that was sucked away from our conversation today she did promise me something: That this wasn’t the end. And I believe her, I really do. I didn’t know how long it was going to be before things could start to go back to normal again, weeks, days, months? I had no idea and I don’t think she did either. It was just a complete blessing to me that this wasn’t the end, to know, that even if it wasn’t for a long time, we’d get back together properly again some when. I knew for sure that I wasn’t going to do a Harry and use this break as a chance to go and get off with as many whores as I could, I don’t think I could do that. Because somehow, it would be unfaithful to Ashley, I had already breached that rule but now I felt like I owed it to her even more. And the truth was, I didn’t want another girl, even if it was for a one night stand and I never saw her again. That didn’t matter to me, Ashley was my girl regardless if we were on a break or not, she would always be my girl, and from now on I would forever be faithful and loyal to her and not at all, ever again, take her for granted.
Before I knew what I was doing I was turning left. The blue lights almost drawing me in, like some kind of drug. I felt sick as I remembered the last time I had arrived here on my own – for Ashley – it was raining that night, I remember it so well. The fear I was experiencing, how scared I was extremely palpable, and looking back maybe it even seemed kind of pathetic considering she turned out to get out fairly lightly for what she was. But that was me all over; I worried about Ashley, a lot, I was worried about her now. Was she going to cope with her issues within herself while on this stressful break from me? Or was my relationship with her making it worse, hence why she decided we try a break. Break was so undecided; it was such an in-the-middle term. Did it have boundaries? Was I still allowed to text her, was I allowed to tell her I loved her? Was I still allowed to call her my girlfriend? I had no idea. The only thing I did know – was that I wouldn’t stop loving her – and now, I was pretty sure I never would, ever.
The sign was clear above my head as the flecks of snow passed it, some catching on it, smudging the words. H O S P I T A L ; It was made pretty damn clear what this place was, but somehow it felt like something else. Like it wasn’t a place to help you, it seemed like a place to rip people apart. Jarring relationships, families, people into different positions that sometimes, couldn’t even be a helpful place. But still I found myself trudging through the familiar waiting room, empty –as it normally was at night – the receptionist probably knew my name by now.
And sure enough, five minutes later I was there, watching her, unchanging, the same as she had been for the past month. I had never known someone in a coma before and this was new to me. It was probably new to Ashley as well. But I had to stop thinking about her, like she had told me to, but I couldn’t, however hard I tried.
I didn’t know why I was here. This was the last piece of evidence that some of Ashley’s life is left in England? Or maybe it was just the fact that I had a lot of things to get off my chest. And somehow it seemed easier to talk to someone who wouldn’t talk back. Who I wasn’t even one hundred percent could hear me well, or at all. But maybe that was what I liked, the uncertainty of it, so if I later regretted it then there was always that slither of hope that she hadn’t heard me. She wouldn’t respond, she wouldn’t give me her opinion, she wouldn’t move and she wouldn’t judge, she would just listen. Maybe she wouldn’t even do that. But that didn’t mean it didn’t give me satisfaction to get things off my chest. So I leant forward, finding her hand underneath the blankets somehow I felt a sense of déjà vu, how I had done exactly the same thing to Ashley when she had been unconscious in a hospital bed. But this was different, this was her sister, and she was in a coma.
“Hey El, it’s only me, Niall. You can probably tell from my accent but whatever, I thought I’d let you know anyway…”
At first I felt stupid, that I was talking to someone not even sure if they could hear me, but I carried on, knowing that if anyone was going to listen and understand – It was Ellie.
“So this makes a change, huh? You in a hospital bed. I know, we don’t exactly speak a lot, but I need someone to talk to, and I figured you’re probably lonely here too, so I guess I’ll just apologise in advance if you don’t wanna hear what I have to say…”
“So everyone really misses you. I do too. It’s kind of strange not having you to drop sarcy comments every now and then. I tell you you’re annoying when you do that, but I probably love it really. Much like you love listening to whatever terrible comeback I come up with it. You’re a cheeky little thing, you know that?”
I sighed to myself as I watched her set in stone features. If she was listening, it didn’t seem like it. But I learnt a long time ago that looks can be deceiving.
“I bet you do, always so full of life. Which is why it’s kind of strange for me- for everyone – to see you like this. You need to wake up El, I don’t even know if you can hear me. Funny that though, isn’t it? I’ll still probably sit here forever telling you things you don’t care about.”
I chuckled to myself. I feel so stupid. But maybe I don’t. I bet I’m not the first.
“So I think Ashley is finding it really hard right now, with you being like this and all. But you know what she’s like; she won’t admit that she’s having a hard time, unless things get really bad. You’re probably gonna hate me now; I hate myself too, not so sure about your sister. Basically, don’t ever let any guy treat you the way I’ve been treating Ash these past two weeks, I’ve been a complete dick, okay? So we’re on a break now, I don’t really know what that means, do you? But you know what she’s like, I’m supposed to understand. If you were awake right now, you’d probably stick your finger down your throat pretending to throw up with what I’m about to tell you, but I’m gonna tell you anyway,”
I sighed again. I felt more comfortable now.
“The only thing I do understand is that I love her, your sister. You have to admit, she’s a handful, and according to you she always has been. You always ask me how I put up with her, I don’t put up with her. Once you get to know her, and treat her the way she deserves to be treated, she is a wonderful girl. I bet you know that, even if you won’t admit it. So tell me El, what am I supposed to do? Because it’s only been a few hours and I already miss her like crazy. She’s different, you know? Like with any other girl, I’ve never felt this way. If you were awake, you would have slapped me by now and complained you were gonna throw up, but I’m gonna bore you anyway. I know it’s strange, hearing me talking to you like this about your own sister, but I just need someone to listen. I just had to get this out, you know? Ever felt like that? I hope you have, that’ll make this whole thing a little bit less embarrassing on me. I just hope she knows how sorry I am, and how much I love her. This isn’t like any other girl I’ve screwed up with before, this is Ashley and if you want my honesty, which I intend to give from now on about everything, I’d marry her in a heartbeat. It’s funny, isn’t it? How someone can start out to be a stranger, you can go through so much with them, just think, if we hadn’t done that album with you I’d never have met and fallen so madly in love with your sister. Thank you, I guess, for giving me the opportunity to meet someone like Ash. And it’s so weird, like two years ago I only knew her name and now I know everything about her. And I’d marry her in a heartbeat; you probably don’t want to hear this. But if you’re anything like your sister at all, you might just understand how in love I am with her. And you’re probably the only other person who knows her as well as I do. So you’d know she’s not perfect, and she has some issues, but who doesn’t? She’s drop dead beautiful and she has no idea, girls would kill to look like her, to have her personality, talent, just everything and she doesn’t even know it. She’s stupid to think like that, isn’t she? You know, you actually understand. And that in my eyes, she is perfect. Because all her flaws, how unstable she can be sometimes, they make her Ashley and I’d never want her to change. And I know I’m never going to give up. I’ve fallen too hard now, you know? God El, just think your sister, she’s got me going crazy. I bet you can’t believe that. Sometimes I think it’s too good to be true, but then I see her, and it dawns on me that she’s actually mine, and that’s an amazing feeling, you know. ”
At this point, tears were pouring down my cheeks. But I didn’t even know what they were from, and maybe I didn’t want to. Now, a nurse was motioning for me to finish up, I nodded and she went away again.
“Well, I guess I have to go now. You probably don’t want to hear anymore. I don’t think if I can tell you anymore, I’m crying enough as it is. I know you’re never gonna let this go, but maybe I can live with that…So don’t hate me too much for hurting Ash, at least not as much as I hate myself. Get better soon El, and when you do, we’ll all be waiting with open arms to welcome you back. I know you’ll get better, you’re strong, don’t ever forget that.”
Now I was gearing up to leave, I wasn’t emotionally stable enough to stay for much longer. But then my phone buzzed and I was shocked to see Ashley’s name on the screen. But nonetheless I opened it:
That was cute, what you said to El. x
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A/N.
hehe hi again
I like this chapter. Even though it's not a very...happy? chapter I really like it when Niall goes to see Ellie and the text from Ashley awwwh
uhh it is so hot in this room I may have to evacuate in a minute:S Like Ashley said: I promise this isn't the end. ;)
okay I am absoloutely in love with Conor Maynard's version of Crew Love. You just have to go and check it out and then comment letting me know what you think;) It's so much better than Drake's.
so love you lots and lots like jelly tots.
well that was cheesy omg I'm turning into Niall :o
see you laters.
voteee/comment and go check out that song okay.
-Emily.