There were already people milling about the ballroom by the time Emily and Allie went downstairs. They were both given their dance cards and began descending the stairs as the announcer called out their names, "Lady Alexandra Whitlock and Lady Emily Carter."
At the mere mention of Allie's name, many heads turned curiously in their direction, watching Alexandra carefully. Since this was technically her coming out ball, all eyes would be on her and she would be the centre of attention. Many of the people in the room hadn't ever even seen her before tonight, which meant that they would watch her even more closely.
Emily drew her own fair share of odd looks, since she was still known to most of the ton as the wild daughter of Lord and Lady Hampstead. The few kinder people simply called her unconventional.
Emily could recognise some people from the last ball at Somerhall, but there were still quite a few faces that were unknown to her. Fortunately, Nate had decided not to invite Lord and Lady Havisham after everything that had happened between all of them the last time she had been called.
She reluctantly followed Allie as she headed towards where Nate and Mary were standing, with Mary giggling at something while Nate didn't look perturbed or uncomfortable. In fact, he actually had the ghost of a smile on his lips as he glanced at Mary, the sort of smile that tugged at Emily's heart.
It hurt to look at them, so she didn't. Instead, she chose to simply stand by the three of them, lost in thought. She barely noticed and Cassie and Kit came down and walked towards them, both slightly dishevelled. She could sense Nate's stare penetrating through the back of her head and boring into her skull as she attempted to ignore. The hairs on the back of her neck bristled at the intensity of his gaze even as she managed a sentence or two with Cassandra.
Finally, after a few minutes of this, all her thoughts stilled for Nate had come towards her and had halted beside her. A shiver ran up her spine as he placed his hand on her back before leaning down to whisper into her ear from the side, "Can I please dance the next dance with you?"
She was about to say no, to say that there was no chance of her ever doing that, that she couldn't possibly dance with him, but she made the mistake of meeting his eyes. There was hope in every last bit of their chocolate depths, along with an indescribable pain and an equally indescribable love, the same sort that she felt for him.
"Yes." She agreed, before she could catch herself. The hope melted into glee and she wondered whether, maybe, she was finally doing something right. The simple thought of dancing a single dance with him was enough to make her feel as if they now had forever laid out before them, theirs to seize. Soon, she knew, she would have to face the aching truth that they didn't have the eternity she so craved. "God, yes."
That little breathless exclamation brought a boyish grin to his face, one that she had missed ever so much and one that she truly loved. When he smiled, his entire face lit up and he looked like an ecstatic child on Christmas morning.
The next song couldn't start quickly enough. As he led her towards the other couples, she could feel Mary glaring at her but, for the first time, it did not matter. All that mattered was them, dancing towards a forever that did not exist.
It was a waltz, and he held her close, his hand as low on her waist as was permissible. She could feel her heart bleed out of her chest simply at his touch and, when they began moving to the tune, she felt like she was floating on air; gentle and happy and warm and magical.
This was entirely unlike her practical self. She knew it in her bones that this was different, that this was special.
"Em—" Nate began, his voice tense and his tone close to breaking, but she interrupted him because she couldn't stand to hear him speak.
"Please don't say anything." She pleaded, and her desperation slipped from her like sand through her fingers. "Please. It already hurts too much. If we speak, it'll hurt more and I don't think I could stand the pain. Let us just be silent and dance one last time. That is all I ask of you."
"Alright." Nate agreed, his grip on her waist tightening as his voice strained as he spoke. He pulled her closer to him, until their bodies were flush against one another's. She held on to his shoulder tightly, feeling the strong muscle beneath and wondering if she would ever see him again after she left.
She wanted to.
"I want to kiss you again." Nate confessed, whispering in her ear as he broke the silence she'd asked for. She didn't really mind, though, because hearing him speak to her like that again made up for it. He sounded like he had on the day he'd told her he loved her. Painful as it had been, it had also been one of the happiest moments of her life.
"We can't." She forced herself to say, no matter how tempted she was to tell him the exact opposite.
"I know." He admitted simply, as if he hadn't expected any other response. She wished she could say something else, anything else, but she didn't. They just danced together for the rest of the song and, by the end of it, she hoped that he would ask her to dance again.
To her disappointment, he let go of her and disappeared back into the crowd, leaving her standing right there, not sure if she could even move. A terrible sense of dread had pooled in her stomach as she had finally realised that things were starting to come to an end. She was leaving in three days.
She slipped back into a corner, from where her eyes caught Nate, who had returned to his siblings. Kit was missing, but Mary was glued to his side, and was latched onto his arm. Emily felt tears well up in her eyes but she blinked them back, focusing on the blaze of the nearest candle to keep her tears at bay.
As she stared without really looking at anything, there was a tap on her shoulder, and she swiftly turned, only to see Kit standing before her, with some champagne in hand and a sympathetic ear.
"Come on, Em," he said, not unkindly, smiling softly at her. "You can't wait here in the corner all night, hoping that he'll be braver than you are."
"We already danced." She informed Kit, whose smile only widened.
"Did you?" He remarked, the amused twinkle in his eyes telling her that he had meant something else entirely. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know what he actually meant. "Even so, you are going to drink this glass of champagne and then you are going to dance with me so that you might have some sort of fun tonight instead of simply pining away after the man you love."
"Love?" Emily spluttered, gulping down the champagne he offered her in a single gulp. "Who said anything about love?"
"You eyes." Kit answered nonchalantly, "You look at Nathaniel the exact same way I looked at Cass when I was still sighing over not having her from a distance. You're definitely pining over him."
"Fine." Emily conceded, rolling her eyes as she set her champagne flute down on the nearest table. "You just might be right, but only the tiniest, most diminutive bit right."
"Thanks." Kit laughed, offering her his arm, which she took with a grin. They reached the centre of the ballroom just as the next song began. It was the Scottish Reel, a fairly simple dance, which meant that Kit had enough time and opportunity to talk to her. He was one of the best friends she had, but he did try annoying her every once in a while.
"Do you remember," he began, a minute into their dance, "What you told me when Cassandra told me she wouldn't marry me after I'd asked her the first time, over two years ago?"
"Not really." She said, frowning, "I do remember, however, my barging unceremoniously into your study and ordering you about. That was a foolish thing to do, I suppose." She remarked in a reminiscent tone. A sense of nostalgia filled her, for that had been a simpler time. All she had cared about had been boarding the first ship she could find. It had all been so uncomplicated, so straightforward. Her mind had been made up and she didn't have second thoughts about every single decision she had made, unlike what was now happening to her. She was second guessing herself all the time now.
"Well, after the aforementioned unceremonious barging in, you sat me down and said to me many things that I shall never forget. Two of these things were exceedingly important. The first was to be who Cassie needed and not to give up on her, which doesn't really apply here. The second, however, I believe will fit perfectly and yet still be ambiguous enough to make you choose exactly what is right for you." At this, Kit stopped speaking, clearly waiting for her to egg him on.
She rolled her eyes at him for being exceedingly dramatic, but complied anyway, "And what exactly is this mysterious second piece of advice?"
"You told or, rather, ordered me to choose what made me happy and do exactly that. It was a simplistic bit of advice, if I do say so myself, but it happens to be the best advice I've ever received." He informed her, becoming more serious than she'd ever seen him before. She wasn't used to Kit being staid. He might have given the appearance of it when she first met him, but he'd soon transformed into the clumsy, good-humoured man she knew him to be now.
"And did it truly work?" Emily asked timidly. She expected the answer that was to come, and she knew what it most probably was going to be, but she was still grasping at straws. She needed some reassurance that she had been right, that she could apply such a thing in this situation, too. She wasn't used to being so indecisive, for she had always been quick to choose what she wanted and she remained faithful to that choice until the very end. To doubt her own self was something that took getting used to, and she'd tasted too much of it in the past few days.
"It gave me all I ever wished for." Kit admitted, "And it gave me a life better than anything I could have ever imagined. I have a wife, whom I love more than all the world and a daughter without whom I would now be nothing. I followed that advice and, if I hadn't, I probably wouldn't be where I am today. I needed it at the time, I needed that jolt of confidence to reassure me that Cass would come around eventually, and it was the best, most right choice I could have made. I believe the same will happen for you if you let it. Today, you need that exact same advice. Don't fight it. Go where your heart takes you, no matter where that might be. We have but one life, and what is the point if we aren't going to live it doing what makes us happy?"
"Thank you." Emily breathed, a single tear slipping past her eyelid and dripping down her cheek. She raised a hand to wipe at it, and no tears followed. "I think I truly needed to hear that."
"You're welcome." Kit said, before adding one more thing that she desperately needed to hear, "No matter what you choose, Cassie and I will always be there for you. You are a dear friend to the both of us, and we shall support you in all of your endeavours, even if they end up being pigheaded."
At this, Emily had to laugh, and was instantly even more grateful to Christopher for cheering her up. To have friends was a wonderful feeling, and to have so many good ones made it even better.
Now, she only had one thing left to do— she had to choose her happiness.