Remus rose from bed before the sun did. He didn't sleep last night, but judging by the fact that none of his friends were out of bed yet, he was still the first to rise.
Remus made his way to the empty common room after quickly and quietly pulling on his robes. Fellow Gryffindors were either still asleep or already eating breakfast. Remus looked at the clock- 5:37 am. He decided that they were probably sleeping.
He sat in front of the fire, sipping his tea and thinking about Sirius. No matter how hard Remus tried, he couldn't think of the words to say to Sirius that conveyed what he wanted them too. He wished he could make Sirius understand that he knew what Sirius was feeling and that he only wanted to help. But so far, his wanting to help lead to Sirius shutting him out. 'I wish I could pound it through his thick skull,' Remus caught himself thinking. He quickly shook the thought away, unsure of where his sudden agitation came from; the full moon wasn't due for a couple weeks.
***
"Morning Moony," Sirius said as he strolled into the common room, casually, as if their conversation last night didn't happen.
Remus assessed the boy standing in front of him. He was still in his pajamas, barefoot, and his hair was a mess. "Good morning," Remus continued timidly, "are the others up? We're nearly going to be late for breakfast." At least two hours had passed from the time Remus woke up. The common room was now bustling with students preparing for their first days of the new term.
"Relax," Sirius replied smoothly. "We'll make it on time, we always do." He walked to the other side of the room and poured himself a cup of coffee.
In an attempt to stop himself from worrying about the time so much, Remus turned back to his book and continued reading.
Sirius held his mug in one hand and casually rested the other on Remus' shoulder. "What are you reading?" He asked, trying to read over the taller boy's shoulder.
"I hate when people read over my shoulder." Remus snapped, he couldn't think of anything else to say. Why was Sirius Black suddenly feeling the need make physical contact with him? First the out of place hug, now this. Of all people, Sirius seemed like the last person to want to show physical affection; platonic or otherwise. It made Remus uncharacteristically angry.
"I know." Sirius teased.
Remus straightened his back and shifted away from Sirius. "I'm going to the Great Hall for breakfast. You three had better hurry, or we'll be late for Transfiguration."
Remus quickly picked up his stack of textbooks and made his way down to the Great Hall. He was confused. Did Sirius not want to push him away. Should Remus try harder?
Remus' thoughts were interrupted when he ran smack into someone walking towards him.
"Sorry," Remus muttered without looking at who he bumped into. He tried to just keep his head down and keep walking.
"Lupin!" A familiar voice called after him. Remus cringed. It was the same voice that echoed through the Great Hall the morning Remus received his only howler.
Remus stopped in the middle of the flow of students rushing to get to breakfast and spun to face Bertram Aubrey.
"Mornin' Bertram." Remus said, doing his best to hold a steady tone.
"Off to breakfast?" The Ravenclaw boy asked, grinning.
"Why else would I be heading into the Great Hall this early?" Remus replied coldly. "Hopefully I don't receive any life changing howlers." Normally Remus was level headed and non confrontational, especially when he didn't have his friends for support, but after getting no sleep and feeling overly frustrated with Sirius as of late, he couldn't help but lash out.
The grin quickly fell from Bertram's face as he hurriedly tried to form an apology. "Remus, I'm so sorry. That was incredibly immature of me. I just-"
"I don't care." Remus cut him off mid sentence.
"Please just let me explain."
Remus thought for a moment or two. He was going to turn Bertram down, but was stopped by a gross grumble emitted from his own stomach.
Bertram laughed. "I forgot that you always woke up hungry. Let's go." He swiftly grabbed Remus by the arm and dragged him to the Gryffindor table. Remus looked around nervously as they sat down. Students from different houses very seldom sat at different tables.
"If you're going to explain yourself, you'd best hurry. James, Peter and Sirius will be along shortly." Remus said as he tucked into some scrambled eggs.
Bertram took a piece of bacon off the platter in front of him and took a bite before blurting: "I thought that if you were out, we would be able to be together again. You know, more openly."
Remus nodded slightly, taking in the information. They had broken up because Remus didn't want to tell anyone about their relationship. At the time, Remus was already deeply ashamed of being a werewolf, he still was actually. Since he was a boy, he tried to wish away the lycanthropy, and after realizing pretty early into his first year at Hogwarts that he was attracted to girls and guys, he tried to wish that away too. Neither left, of course, but after befriending and eventually being accepted by James, Sirius and Peter, Remus began feeling less ashamed of his furry little problem. But Remus thought that one abnormality was enough, and his sexuality was much easier to hide- it didn't have to painfully take over his body once a month.
It wasn't until after forming a relationship with Bertram that Remus really felt the desire to come out to his friends. He was just trying to find the best way to do it, but Bertram didn't have the patience to wait.
He didn't know that Remus was a werewolf. As an explanation for the various scars tracing Remus' body, Remus told Bertram that he used to self harm. Bertram somehow connected this lie to the fact that it was because Remus couldn't live as his authentic self, which only led the Ravenclaw boy to be even more adamant that Remus should tell more people about his sexuality.
"You do realize that sending that howler killed any chance you had at getting me back."
"Are you sure there isn't a bit of a possibility? I haven't stopped thinking about you." Bertram flattered Remus.
Remus blushed, not used to having so much attention pointed at him.
"Also," Bertram continued, "we have double potions. So I'll see you there." He leaned towards Remus and whispered the last part.
Remus blushed even more, but eventually began to feel a bit uncomfortable when Bertram didn't slide back to his previous spot. Remus didn't like to admit it, but he still had feelings for Bertam.
After a few minutes of sitting very close and eating silently, Remus was relieved when Bertram suddenly jerked backwards. Until, of course, Remus realized why.
"Morning Berty-" a cold, calculated voice called from behind Remus. A voice Remus could recognize almost anywhere.
Remus turned around in his seat to assess the damage. Standing over Bertram, who was forced on to the floor, was a small frame with fiery red hair.
"What the hell Evans?" Bertram croaked as he stumbled to his feet.
Uncharacteristically coldly, Lily laughed. "Keep your dirty self away from my best mate." She said it simply, but the harsh connotation that was carried with it left Bertram at a loss for words.
Bertram stood up and looked pleadingly between Remus and Lily, mostly at Remus. Remus supposed that Bertram wanted him to stick up for his actions, but Remus couldn't think of anything to say.
"For Merlin's sake," Bertram finally spoke, "I'll see you in potions." And with that, he huffed out of the Great Hall.
"Remus," the red headed girl said politely, "why on Earth were you having breakfast with that bloke?"
Remus smiled about Lily's over-protectiveness. Many people often overlooked their friendship, especially with James, Peter and Sirius always close behind.
"Not sure." Remus replied truthfully, "he said he wanted to talk about the howler, and I happen to be an excellent listener." Remus couldn't stop the crimson color that crept across his face.
"I'm surprised you didn't take notes." Lily teased the very studious Remus. "Do not tell me you're blushing over him."
Remus lied very poorly. "I'm not, I'm not."
She eyed him suspiciously.
"Did Marlene say anything about Sirius last night?" Remus asked, trying to move the subject away from himself. If Lily asked enough questions, Remus might accidentally tell her that he still harbored feelings for the guy who broke his heart and essentially ruined his life. It was a bit messed up, Remus thought, but there was no denying how he felt.
Without relinquishing her curious gaze, Lily sat down in the spot previously occupied by Bertram. "She said it went alright. And that Sirius wants to do it again. Why?"
"No reason." Remus lied, this time with more conviction. Truthfully, he was very curious about how Marlene and Sirius' conversation went, especially since it seemed to cause Sirius to do a complete 180. "You know how Sirius is. He won't talk to anyone about anything. But I think Marlene would be good for him." The last part Remus said was the truth. He wanted Sirius to have someone to confide in, who could support him, and show him all the love he deserved, even if it wasn't Remus himself.
Lily nodded furiously. "I was thinking the same thing. Plus maybe he could steal Marlene's stupid jerseys and I could have James'"
"You want to wear James' quidditch jersey?" Remus laughed and Lily blushed. "Good luck. Sirius loves that thing." James was made Gryffindor's seeker in his second year. Around their third year, Sirius began having awful nightmares and he always woke up cold and shivering. One night he scrounged around for something warmer to put on, and in the dark he came across James' jersey. Without realizing what it was, he slipped it on and was lulled back to sleep by its familiar smell. Since then, it kind of became a routine. After James was done wearing it for the day, he'd clean it, fold it nicely, and set it at the foot of Sirius' four poster bed in case he needed it in the middle of the night.
Lily wrinkled her nose, apparently the smell of the black pudding in front of her was displeasing. "Where are your three cohorts?" she asked.
"I could ask you the same thing."
Lily gave Remus a look as to say 'you haven't answered my question.'
Remus, not wanting to upset the girl who just floored someone twice her size, admitted in defeat, "they are slow risers, but I'm sure they'll be making their way down soon."
"I sure hope so, or they're going to be late for Transfiguration. I doubt Professor McGonagall has become more lenient over the summer break."
"Not you too," a whiney male voice interrupted Remus and Lily's conversation. It was James, and not far behind him were Sirius and Peter accompanied by Hesita, Dorcas and Marlene. "Sirius told me Moony already lectured him this morning about not getting up early enough."
"Well, I see you're no better than these three," Lily said, gesturing towards her roommates. Remus wasn't entirely sure who she was trying to insult.
The six Gryffindors who most recently entered the Great Hall all took a place at the table. Sirius took his place next to Remus, and Marlene sat next to him. Lily stayed seated next to Remus and James sat next to her. Peter reluctantly walked to the other side of the table, but perked up a bit when Hesita followed him. Peter sat directly across from James (shocker), Hesita sat next to him, across from Lily, and Dorcas took a seat next to Hesita and across from Remus. At this point, Remus was hoping that Dorcas' spot at the table was merely coincidental, he had no desire to 'be in a relationship' with her, as James had suggested. It wasn't because she wasn't attractive; because she was, Remus just had his heart set on a certain Ravenclaw, who quite frankly was the worse choice of the two.
As the eight friends tucked into breakfast, they compared schedules. As it was common that students of the same house and same year took entire subjects together, none of them were surprised to learn that they all had Defense Against the Dark Arts (they were displeased to learn they had it as a double with Slytherin), Transfiguration, Muggle Studies (with Hufflepuff), Care For Magical Creatures (with Ravenclaw, Remus seemed to be the only one who was concerned about this), Magical History, and Potions (Remus cursed again, it was with Ravenclaw as Bertram had informed him) together. Remus' schedule was the most packed of all of theirs. He had to make up Divination from last year (too much to handle with his lycanthropy), so did Sirius (no excuse other than laziness); and he chose to take arithmancy as an elective, so did Lily. It crossed Remus' mind that he might have taken more than he could handle again, but he was determined to graduate on time, and on top of his class. He thought that an impressive academic record would eliminate any worry a future employer might have over his lycanthropy.
***
After Sirius woke James and Peter, he changed into his robes and made his way to the common room. In his mind Peter and James were taking too long to get ready. "I am starting to sound like Moony." Sirius muttered to himself.
"What was that?" a voice interrupted Sirius' thinking.
"Huh?" he asked looking up, it was Marlene. Sirius thought she looked different this morning, he couldn't exactly explain it. Maybe it was that she had her robes on this time, and compared to her shorts and skimpy shirt from last night, it was a significantly greater amount of clothes. Sirius thought she looked more attractive this morning, which would probably surprise her if he told her. Sirius acquired the reputation of a player last year. He didn't know what bothered him more; the fact that the number of girls people said he shagged was mostly true, or the fact that he still didn't actually feel connected to a single one of them. Sirius never told anyone his hypothesis on the reason for his random hook ups. He doubted that he ever would.
"Oh, um you were muttering something earlier. But it's not important. Are you heading to breakfast?"
"Yes. Peter and James are on their way down, I hope."
Marlene grinned widely. "So are Dorcas and Hesita, perhaps we could all head down together. Lily left already, muttering something about being late for Transfiguration."
"Sure." Sirius nodded, and hoped even more that James and Peter would come along soon. Sirius still felt awkward when he had to make conversation with people he wasn't entirely comfortable with.
"I hope I didn't come on too strong last night." Marlene said, finally breaking the silence between them.
Sirius chuckled. Girls rarely thought they were coming 'on too strong' to him. Since he first hooked up with Anna Trolley, a Slytherin, in their fifth year, it seemed as though girls wouldn't stop throwing themselves at him. "No, no," he reassured Marlene, "I'm sorry that I was in a horrendous mood. Just bad timing is all."
Marlene smiled again. "Will you be in a better mood this weekend?"
"Depends on the occasion." Sirius wasn't trying to flirt with her, but it happened anyways. Sirius mentally kicked himself for doing it. Marlene was not someone who would be a good, quick shag. Especially if James really wanted them to be together because of he and Lily.
"We could sneak down to Hogsmeade, grab a few butterbeers..." she trailed off.
Sirius didn't really want to spend an entire day with Marlene. "Maybe, if I don't have too much homework or something." Sirius attempted to dance around the subject.
"Well, let me know. I'm sure James and Lily could come too."
Sirius was relieved that Marlene suggested this. "Remus too," he then added quickly, "and the others."
Marlene was content with this answer, as it seemed that Sirius was agreeing to her plan. Marlene wasn't lying when she told Sirius she had a crush on him. She knew about Sirius' reputation. She also knew that Sirius wanted to change it. James had told Lily so, and Lily passed the information onto Marlene when she told her about her crush on Sirius.
Shortly after their conversation ended, Peter and James emerged in the common room, and eventually Hesita and Dorcas did too. The six of them made their way downstairs to the Great Hall.
***
Sirius ate silently for most of breakfast. He was quite literally stuck between two strange feelings; complete awkwardness with Marlene, and complete comfort with Remus. The whole interaction was actually making his head hurt.
He was pulled from his own self wallowing when he heard a familiar name.
"I swear," Lily chuckled as she said it, "I practically flattened him." Remus nodded in agreement.
"Wait," Sirius interjected, "did you say Bertram Aubrey?"
Lily nodded and added, "what other person would I have a reason to do that to?"
Sirius clenched his jaw and balled his hands into fists. "Remus," He said pointedly, "why in Merlin's name would you even talk to him?" Remus shrugged, his casual manner only angered Sirius more. "Don't you think you have enough going on that you don't need assholes in your life?" It wasn't really a question, so Remus didn't respond. Sirius proceeded to mutter something about "not learning his lesson" and "the next time I see him, I swear" and then he got up and briskly left the hall.
The seven friends were silent and all confused over Sirius' unexpected lash out.
"Um.." Remus began to say something, but stopped when he realized he didn't know what it was.
"I'm just gonna-" Marlene stood up almost as quickly as Sirius had, and followed him out the Great Hall.
"Sirius!" She called to the dark haired boy's back. "Sirius, wait!"
Sirius came to a dead stop in the hallway. He needed to let off some steam. A few ideas came to mind, but only one of them was chasing him down.
Marlene quickly approached him, but before she even knew what was happening, Sirius was pulling her into the nearest cabinet.
"Sirius-" she was interrupted by Sirius' mouth on her own, "what the hell?" She asked, finally getting him to stop kissing her.
Sirius shot her a sly grin, one that made her heart flutter. "Less talking, more snogging." He put his finger to her lips and then slowly replaced it with his lips. This time, more tenderly and she returned it.
Soon, both of their robes were thrown on the floor, their kiss had been deepened, and even though Sirius had just thought this morning about how wrong doing this to Marlene would be, he couldn't stop now. This was how Sirius coped. After a cruel letter from his parents, a bad exam score, or even the morning after Remus had a rough transformation, Sirius always found himself in a cramped closet with a girl who didn't know any better. Sirius knew he was using them; he didn't like doing it, but it let him feel in control. It turned into something of a routine, and now Sirius couldn't stop.
Sirius tugged eagerly at the hem of Marlene's sweater. This was the wrong choice, apparently, because immediately after, she broke off their kiss. "I'm not here just to be another stupid girl you shag and never look at again." When Sirius didn't reply, she continued, "I'll see you in Transfiguration." She picked up her robe and showed herself out.
Sirius was beyond frustrated at this point, though he wasn't entirely sure why. He was supposed to be happy here, and it was only the first day and he already felt terrible. He picked up his robe and smashed his fist into the brick wall. His hand, which in the last two months had already seen a door slammed on it, came away in worse shape than the wall. Sirius cursed loudly before making his way out of the closet and to Transfiguration.
"Hello, and welcome back to your sixth year." Professor McGonagall said sharply from the front of the room. She began the first lecture of each year in the same manner, transforming from a cat into her human form. The first time, most of the students found it absolutely mesmerizing, by now it was relatively typical.
Sirius paid very little attention for the entire hour that McGonagall spent lecturing on turning a rock into a turtle. She even when into great detail about how to control what type of turtle you turned it into (fascinating). It was a good thing Sirius didn't usually take notes, because then it would have been possible for someone to notice his now bruising hand. Class was finally dismissed after she informed them that on Tuesday, they 'would be applying this lecture to their Practical Transfiguration session with her, and that they should be familiar with transfiguring the rock into each type of turtle because they would each have to choose a type at random.' Or at least that's what Remus informed Sirius she had said.
Remus, James, Sirius and Peter ate lunch together and met back up with the girls for Magical History. Marlene couldn't help but steal glances from Sirius, if she was being completely honest, she would have shagged Sirius this morning had it not made her late for Transfiguration. She was ashamed for even thinking it.
Magical History was entirely uneventful, but what else could be expected from a class taught by a ghost. Everyone was a bit displeased when Professor Binns assigned them an essay on the History of Hogwarts. James protested the most because "there is already an entire book about it, what's the point of us having to write an essay too?"
***
Remus was reflecting on his day while they all ate supper, it always amazed him how quickly time seemed to pass while they were going to classes.
Remus' intermonolouge was interrupted by James, who apparently just remembered some Earth shattering news. "I almost forgot to tell you!" he exclaimed, "I was working on my Transfiguration paper over the summer- hey no laughing Sirius-" Sirius was doing his best not to laugh, "and I read something interesting."
There was a long pause, that James added solely for dramatic effect. Finally buying into James' game, Remus asked, "And what was that?"
"Well, um," now James was trying to dance around what he was going to say, "werewolves," he said very quietly and timidly, "are a threat to humans."
"Bloody brilliant mate," Sirius remarked, of course the four boys already knew a great amount about werewolves.
Remus felt his stomach plummet, he did not enjoy talking about the monster he was.
"And not animals," James continued, trying to hurry to the point he was going to make before he caused anymore discomfort to Remus. "So, if we were animals, we could be with Remus when he transformed."
Much to James' dismay, the three boys he was talking to were unusually quiet.
Finally, Peter spoke up. "You don't mean that we should become Animagi?"
James nodded and silence fell back over the four friends.
"And you think we could do it?" Sirius asked hesitantly. He liked the idea of being able to be there for Remus during full moons, and if it was achievable, he'd do it, no doubt.
James nodded again. "It's kind of a long process, but not incredibly hard."
More silence. It even seemed like the noise of the Great Hall was reduced to nothing but a quiet buzz.
Remus was running over James' proposal in his mind. "No." He finally said.
James looked across the table at him with his mouth practically hanging open. He thought that everyone would be on board.
"Absolutely not," Remus reiterated his stance on the matter.
"Remus-" Sirius began, but he quickly shut up when Remus stood up and hastily left the table.
'Bloody brilliant. What a great day.' Sirius thought to himself as he followed Remus out of the hall.
Remus didn't stop walking until he reached the portrait hole "flobberworm," he said, and the fat lady swung open, granting him and Sirius, who was trailing behind slightly, entrance to the deserted common room.
"Remus," Sirius said again, this time breathlessly, "mate, what's going on."
"What's going on?" Remus laughed at the stupidity of Sirius' question. "What's going on?" It seemed as though Remus couldn't form a coherent sentence.
"Calm down," Sirius instructed him, "tell me what you're thinking."
Remus took a deep breath. "I don't want the three of you to be anywhere near me during the full moon. Ever." He admitted.
Sirius processed the information, thinking very carefully who beset to approach the subject. "You know we just want to help you."
"Yes. I know." Remus now felt incredibly guilty for lashing out without thinking of James' motive for suggesting it. "But none of you will be putting yourselves in danger for me. Especially when the danger is caused by me."
"Werewolves aren't a threat to animals, though." Sirius attempted to reason with his friend.
"And do you know, for a fact, that someone in werewolf form won't know that a human in animagus form isn't a human?"
Sirius didn't know this, so he had no response.
"Exactly."
"But Remus, there has to be something we can do to help. That's all any of us want to do."
"I'm not sure what else anyone could do, but I know that if I hurt a single one of you, that would be worse than everything I've experienced so far, combined."
Sirius sighed, obviously he'd lost the argument.
Remus continued, "I'm exhausted. I'm going to bed, please talk James and Peter out of this stupid idea." He turned to go to their dormitory, but Sirius quickly grabbed his arm, stopping Remus' retreat.
Remus looked down at the hand that was holding him back. He noticed how the knuckles were a bit swollen and purple. "What's the matter with your hand?"
Sirius quickly snatched his hand back. He had been getting along all day with no one noticing, so he became less vigilant at hiding it. "Nothing," he quickly reassured Remus.
"It's not nothing, Sirius, it's all bruised." Remus turned back towards Sirius and extended his hand, motioning for Sirius to let him examine his injury.
Sirius hesitantly gave Remus his hand. "It looks like you got into a fight with a wall or something."
Sirius smiled sheepishly, Remus knew him too well.
"Why in Merlin's name would you punch a wall?"
"Let's just say, that, um, somethings didn't go as planned today."
"Obviously. When did this happen?" Remus, who was still holding Sirius' hand, lifted it up as if to show Sirius exactly what he was talking about.
"Right before Transfiguration." Sirius admitted and Remus released his hand.
Remus was recalling his own actions this morning. "Bertram?" He asked, although he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.
Sirius shook his head, "no, no. This had nothing to do with Bertram." He lied.
"Why then?"
Sirius sighed in defeat. Remus always had a way of getting the truth from Sirius. "Marlene."
Remus felt oddly relieved. He knew that Sirius would never hurt someone who didn't 100% deserve it. He knew that it was much more likely for Sirius to get physical with Bertram than Marlene. "So you didn't hurt-"
"Is that what you think of me?" Sirius was angry, but he did his best not to raise his voice. "That I am a violent monster."
"No, I-"
"Whatever." Sirius cut him off. "You're probably right, I'm just like Walburga and Orion."
"Sirius, I never-"
"Just go to bed, Remus."
"Not until you listen to what I'm trying to tell you," Remus raised his voice slightly. When Sirius offered only a deadly glare in response, Remus continued. "If I were you and Bertram did to you what he did to me, I would be so angry. Angry enough for it to get physical. And this morning you stomped out of breakfast and then you turn up with a purple hand. What was I supposed to think? And I'm sorry if I made you think that I think you're a monster. Because I don't, I couldn't."
Sirius wanted to accept Remus' explanation and apology, but all too quickly his walls went back up. "Of course you couldn't think I'm a monster, Moony, because you know what one actually is." Sirius' hurtful comment actually came from a place of love. Which only made it more confusing. Love wasn't an emotion that Sirius learned how to channel well, so it often came out of his mouth as hate. As soon as Sirius said it, he regretted it.
"I know." Remus' reply was sad and sounded too empty, but it was genuine. He had always thought of himself as a monster, and in all honesty, Remus thought his friends should regard him as one too.
"I-I didn't mean it." Sirius stammered.
"I know." Remus said again simply. Part of Remus wished James, Peter and Sirius did see him as the monster he was, then they wouldn't try to put themselves in harms way to help him. But Remus knew they didn't, and he knew that Sirius, especially, didn't. "I suppose we're even now." He offered Sirius a sad smile.
Footsteps were approaching the Fat Lady, and in no time everyone would be back from dinner. Remus made his way up to their dormitory and quickly fell asleep, exhausted from the day. Sirius plastered on a fake smile and did his best to talk James out of the animagus idea per Remus' wishes. James and Lily and their friends sat in front of the fireplace and made small talk, but Sirius wasn't paying much attention, he kept thinking about the sandy haired boy sleeping upstairs.
PLEASE READ
Hi again :) If I were reading this fic, I'd probably be thinking 'well didn't Sirius say something earlier about not seeing a person he was attracted to/wanted to be with before?' If you're thinking this too, then you're doing an amazing job reading!! I'd like to clarify that this is not a continuity error. Sirius has hooked up with quite a few girls, yet is still missing an emotional connection with someone (that's what he's trying to get at here). And at this point, he doesn't think he'll ever get to experience that. When he was writing to Remus before and made the 'attraction' comment, that was directed towards Remus' sexuality, not Sirius' previous flings. Again, thanks for reading.