My eyes snap open, and I'm taking deep breaths that cause stabbing pain to spike in my chest. "Fuck," I breathe out quietly, looking around my surroundings. Everything hurts.
I look at the clock mounted on the wall, and it reads nine eighteen p.m. I've been out for almost ten hours, considering I went into surgery at noon for the D&C. With the other injuries I'd suffered, it was unlikely that I'd have a natural miscarriage, and it was too dangerous not to do anything else. I'm in a different room that's much nicer than the last one. My guess would be that Hayes pulled some strings to move me to a private room.
Hayes is fast asleep with his head resting on the bed, mere inches away from my hand.
The door opens and a nurse from this morning steps into the room. It's not hard to guess that Hayes is asleep, and thankfully she's quiet when she talks, "Hey hun, how are you feeling?"
My hand subconsciously brushes over my stomach, and then I remind myself that there's nothing there.
It isn't there anymore.
My hand falls back at my side, and I wince feeling more pain, "Not great."
She's holding a small cup along with water and a straw, "I have some more ibuprofen for you." She holds the cup with the pills to my mouth, and I open it before accepting the water that's then offered to me. "Your parents got here an hour ago, but no one wanted to wake you since you were resting. The next few days will be the hardest with the fluctuation of hormones you'll experience."
"Okay," I whisper, not sure what I'm supposed to say. I want to see my parents, but I also want Hayes to get some rest. It's been hell the past twenty-four hours for me, and I can't even imagine what it's been like for him. "C-Can you tell them I'm still asleep? I don't want to wake him yet."
The nurse nods, understanding, "I'll tell them."
And then she exits just as quickly as she entered.
I feel the tears slipping down my cheeks as I think about the sonogram I got during my appointment two days ago, sitting at home hidden in the same drawer that the pregnancy tests are in. I heard it's heartbeat. And I couldn't save it from Sascha. I raise my hand to cover my mouth so that Hayes isn't woken up by the sound of me crying.
How could I do this to him? I shouldn't have given Louis the night off because if I'd gotten in the car afterward, I'd still be pregnant, and I would have gotten to see the look on his face when I told him. And now we don't get that. I don't get that.
I only knew for a week, but I already loved it, and I couldn't wait to meet it.
I wanted to find out who it would take after; me or Hayes. I wanted it to have his dimple, his eyes, his smile. I wanted the little girl that Hayes and I talked about a few times before I knew I was pregnant.
I wanted it.
The pain is excruciating, and I know I could make it all go away, but I can't. I can't resort to that.
I just can't stop crying, and it feels like I never will. All the what-ifs are pouring through my head, and I can't stop them.
Hayes's head moves on the bed, and I clamp my hand tighter, trying to hold my breath, so he doesn't wake up. It's too late, I realize, as his head lifts, and he tries to focus his blue eyes on me through the blinking of his long eyelashes. And then I see everything crash over him again. I can't help it as a sob escapes from me.
"I'm sorry, I c-can't stop," I manage to get the words out as my chest squeezes painfully.
"Seph, you don't have to apologize. It's not your fault." He insists, sitting up completely awake now.
I feel like something is missing, like some part of me is gone now, and I don't understand it. I pull the blanket off of my feet and force them to hang over the bed as my chest now screams at me to stop, but I don't care.
"What are you doing? You can't get out of bed yet." Hayes tries to reason, but I ignore him. my legs are wobbly, and I tilt straight into him. "Please let me help you back into the bed."
"No," I sob, hitting him weakly. I try to take another step, but I pitch forward, unable to keep myself upright. I feel so goddamn helpless.
"Shit," He mutters, and he moves in front of me again to keep me from falling. "Please just get back into the bed." He pleads, and I shake my head, wiping my tears away.
"I'm taking a shower to get everything off of me, and I'm doing it with or without your help." I start to push myself off of him again, determined to wash the blood off me, and remove the lasting touch of Sascha.
I need it off.
He stares at me, not wanting to give in, but he also doesn't want to tell me no. "Okay, can you walk or do you want me to-"
I let out a shaky breath wincing as it echoes throughout my body. "Just help me, please."
Hayes wraps his arm to support me, but he's careful not to apply too much pressure. I'm incredibly thankful for him as we move slowly towards the bathroom, each step agonizing, but it'll be worth it if I can just get everything off of me.
I grab the counter in the bathroom to keep myself from falling as Hayes turns the water on in the shower. I don't recognize the person staring back at me.
She has maroon stains of dried blood streaking through her hair, her grey eyes are empty, and her face is pale with a cut running along the side of the temple. "The water's warm," He says gently, and I close my eyes as his fingers brush against the strings holding the top of the hospital gown together, untying them first before untying the other. It slides off, falling to the ground.
The breath he sucks in tells me that I don't want to open my eyes to see what I look like without the shield of clothing to hide me. But I open my eyes anyway, and it suddenly makes so much sense on why I'm in so much pain as Hayes undresses beside me.
The patterns of bruises are horrible. It's a mixture of angry dark purple and blue that covers a large portion of skin, but that's not the worst part.
The worst part is that my small baby bump is still there. It's small enough that it looks like I'm bloating, but I know that's not what it is anymore. I feel for Hayes's hand behind me before pulling it to rest it on the bump as my lower lip trembles.
I didn't start showing until two and a half weeks ago. I thought it was bloating, but once I took the tests, it made more sense. It's been so slight that I was able to hide it from Hayes, but I wish I'd told him the moment I found out.
I feel empty inside.
I try to take a step towards the shower, and Hayes is pulled back into reality, "I'm sorry, I just got..."
"I know," I say, and he helps me into the shower. I hold onto him tightly as the warm water cascades over us. The white tiled floor is stained pink from the blood coming off of me, and I close my eyes, resting my head on Hayes's solid chest. "Thank you.'
"For what?"
"For being here."
The water hides my tears this time.
*********
Hayes and the nurse from earlier had just helped me back into the bed when my mom steps into the doorway with my dad standing behind her. "Is it okay if we come in?" She asks with hopefulness clear on her face, but she waits for my answer before coming in.
"Yeah." The nurse takes that as her cue to leave, and she slips out of the room.
"I should go talk to Grayson about the company while you talk to your parents," He whispers to me, but I don't want him to leave. My fingers tighten around the sleeve of his jacket as a silent way of asking him to stay, and I see his face soften as he nods at me. So he offers his hand out to Dad, "Mr. Montgomery, it's good to see you again."
"I wish it were under better circumstances," He replies with a small smile.
"Thank you for taking care of our baby girl when we couldn't be here," Mom says gratefully to Hayes, and he smiles, taking his seat next to the bed.
"Of course, I'd do anything for her."
She has tears in her eyes as she looks at me, "What did that man do to you?" She asks with horror on her face. "Oh my sweet girl," Mom brushes a wet section of hair out of my face that was covering the small cut.
"What have the police said?" Dad asks Hayes, and my attention is drawn away from my mom to listen to what Hayes is going to say.
Hayes hesitates and rests his hand on mine, "Officer Cortez came again earlier to talk to me while Seph was in surgery and she said that-"
But Mom cuts him off. "I'm sorry, but I think I'm a little confused. When you called, you never mentioned surgery of any kind."
"We were told about it after the call. The doctors were worried that she wouldn't..." Hayes trails off, looking down at the floor. He can't do everything.
I swallow the lump in my throat, "I-I was pregnant." Her hands fly over her mouth, and Dad pales. "The doctors were worried that because of my other injuries that if they let me continue to...to miscarry naturally, it would put more stress on my body, so they did a D&C this morning."
"They're charging him with second degree aggravated assault, fleeing the scene of a crime, drunk and disorderly, and first-degree involuntary fetal manslaughter," Hayes says quietly, not releasing his grip on my hand. I grimace, closing my eyes as my stomach starts to cramp, sending shooting pain up through my chest. "Seph, are you okay?" He asks gently, and I nod, curling an arm around my stomach.
"I just need a minute." I breathe through the pain, feeling it lessen slightly.
And then Dad turns on Hayes, "Where were you when she was being beaten half to death?" My eyes snap open to stare at him, and even Mom's jaw drops.
"Dad, this isn't his fault," I interject, trying to push myself up. This is all wrong.
"Mark, don't do this," Mom tries to reason too.
But we're ignored, "Where were you," Dad demands and Hayes stiffens.
"I hadn't left the fundraiser yet," Hayes admits, and Dad's face has hatred written across it.
"So instead of leaving with my pregnant daughter, you stayed to what? Drink champagne and laugh with your buddies while she was out on the street by herself-"
"Get out!" I yell at him, not wanting to listen to him berate Hayes any longer. He falls quiet while Mom starts to cry. My headache that had subdued comes back.
"I'm not leaving, Sephine," He says calmer, and I've lost track of how many times I've cried in the past twenty-four hours, but once again, tears start to fall from cheeks hitting the blanket below.
"Sir, I'm sorry, but if you don't leave right this instant, I'm calling security and having them forcibly remove you." The nurse from earlier is back in the room, holding the door open for him.
Dad points at Hayes, "Next time I come in here, I don't want to see you anywhere near my daughter," He threatens as I start to hiccup, feeling each one ricochet through me finding a new spot of pain.
"Please just go," I repeat, and he looks at me with his own tears in his eyes as he walks out of the room with my mother behind him.
"Sephine, my name's Lisa, and I need you to take a deep breath for me so you can calm down." The nurse tries to help, and I try to listen to her, but all I can hear is my dad yelling at Hayes and telling him that it's his fault. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. I didn't run.
Hayes starts to pull his hand from mine, but I try to hold on with everything in me as I try to catch a deep breath. It hurts too much to do that.
Everything hurts.
"I'm going to get you your next dose of ibuprofen along with a Benadryl to help you sleep comfortably, okay?" She says once I'm finally able to catch my breath. Lisa then points at Hayes, "If you don't keep her calm and in that bed, I'll have you escorted out too. I don't give two shits who you are, Sephine's my patient."
"Alright," Hayes agrees, and Lisa leaves the room shutting the door quietly behind her. Hayes pulls his hand out of mine and places them on the back of his head as he looks down at the floor.
"You can't believe what my dad said. He has no idea what he's talking about, and it wasn't fair of him to blame you." I try to reason, but I can feel him slipping into himself and away from me.
"He does know what he's saying because I've been asking myself the same fucking things. I had no idea what had happened, and I should have been with you. If I had, we'd still have our baby." Hayes whispers, and then I hear the same heartbreaking sound I did the day I almost took the pills.
He's crying, and that rips into my heart.
"I'm sorry." I apologize sitting up to get closer to where he sits wanting to do anything to make him stop, but the reality is that we're just doing everything we can to keep from losing ourselves in grief. I can't stop crying myself, and Hayes hasn't had the chance to cry because he's been too busy taking care of me and being strong for the both of us. "It's going to be okay," I promise even though I have no idea if what I'm saying is true because it doesn't feel like it ever will be right now. "I'm sorry," I whisper again as he rests his head in his hands, continuing to weep.
I'm so fucking sorry for all of it.