So Hello again!
So I'm switching to first person in this chapter.
I don't want to give excuses but I honestly am trying my best to give updates, its just not as easy and I do apologize and appreciate each of you who take your time to read my book.
Enjoy.
*Amani*
The Human emotions are a bunch of chemicals in the brain, the human body is constantly trying to maintain an equilibrium between everything.
When one emotion becomes too much in our body, the chemical signals the tear ducts to release the excess in a neat package as a tear.
Crying is either accompanied by numbness, not feeling at all, or a stability in emotions. It makes perfect sense doesn't it?
How sometimes fear, happiness, pain, extreme sadness can make your eyes pour instantly. There's beauty in the fact that our bodies sometimes can experience so much emotion that we literally can't hold on to all of it.
**
I was lying in bed, it was the day after the family dinner, which went well by the way. It also was my first day in my house as a married woman. Ali had his own room so that conversation was over.
The night before, we'd come back from the dinner pretty late, he drove us back from the venue to our house, nothing was said in the car as we rode home probably because of my ice queen vibes, but that's never stopped him before so he probably was just tired.
As was I because I only remember getting out of the car and going upstairs barely registering anything in the house, I glanced at a lot of suitcases and spotted my old one that had some of my things I wanted to keep, so I insisted on bringing it with me, I had pulled it open and brought out an old silk bubu, after that I went into the bathroom, barely thinking of how beautiful it was, I took off the super heavy pink dinner gown i had on and took a quick shower with the hottest water I could handle and washed off all my makeup with soap.
Yeah skincare out the window for tonight
Anyway I waddled back into the room and literally fell on the bed, the really soft comfortable bed that was slowly pulling me towards dreamland, relaxing my muscles and making my eyelids heavier and heavier and heavier and hea--
What's that noise? Sounds like drumming, drumming? Oh snap! The door, someone was knocking on my door. I jolted out of the state of almost sleep I was in and scurried off the bed.
"Amani, are you asleep? " Ali's voice came from the other side of the door.
"Uh No, just a second" I called back, looking around the room for something to cover up a bit, yes he was my husband, but silk did hug places it wasn't supposed to.
I grabbed my pink lafaya that I was wearing from earlier today and pulled it over my head, it was a lot of material but it did cover, so problem solved.
"Hi" I said as I pulled the door open
"Hey" he replied, "you hurried off to your room immediately we got back, I thought to check if you needed anything"
"No I'm completely fine" I replied almost too hurriedly.
I really didn't want to get back to bed and be unable to fall into sweet sleep, so I was on edge.
"Okay, you're not hungry?" He asked again and I shook my head.
"Well you barely ate anything at dinner, so if you do get hungry the fridge is stocked and there's food from home as well" he said and if I wasn't grumpy from fatigue, I would have seen how sweet he was being.
"Okay thank you" I replied and Ali nodded.
"All right get some sleep" he smiled and I nodded as he walked away.
I closed the door and slowly pulled the lafaya off my head and threw it on the sofa.
Sighing I went back to the bed and lay down properly this time, pulling the comforter to my waist and shutting my eyes.
I didn't feel sleepy anymore, though tired I lay there thinking, well overthinking but that was normal with me anyway, until I felt the familiar feeling of sleep take over.
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The next morning I was up quite early, the first thing on mind was the fact that since the wedding celebrations I had forgotten the last time I'd seen my phone, the worst thing was that I didn't even know where I'd lost it, its not like I could call Diana and ask, I'd need the phone for that.
So I decided to explore the house, well more my room, I was hesitant to go out because I didn't want to bump into Ali, it's awkward alright.
The room was beautiful now that I really took it in and looked at it, the bed was a beautiful white royal bed with the deep puprle headboard leaving just a few inches to the ceiling, the sheets were pure white with a dark purple comforter, the carpet was also white which I thought wasn't such a good idea but it was beautiful nonetheless.
There was a silver chandelier lamp cascading from the ceiling, the wardrobes were a deep purple color with a suede texture and so was the chaise lounge that was a lilac color sitting by the window.
It was a beautiful room, I knew hajiya siyam did furniture shopping for me since she did send over a few catalog choices for me at the beginning of all this and I just asked her to refer to mama or choose whatever she felt comfortable with, I hadn't seen the rest of the house but I trusted it looked just as good.
The room had a small living room area which was also in purple hues in furniture, and then the biggest walk in closet I'd ever seen, which was a waste of space, I didn't have that many clothes to use up all that space.
I looked over to all of my suitcases and the rest of my stuff that were begging me to come and sort them out and I sighed, can I do that later, or like never.
I had just found my abandoned phone and was waiting for it to boot when I heard a knock on my door,
"Amani are you awake? " came Ali's voice.
I was in last nights bubu and my hair was a birds nest, a crazy bird at that. So I really didn't feel like scrambling around and opening the door.
"Yeah" I replied "Good morning"
"Good morning" he replied, from his tone he was probably expecting me to open the door but I was grateful he didn't ask.
"I'm going to run to my old apartment to get some stuff, I'll be gone for about thirty minutes to an hour, will you be okay alone?" He asked.
How sweet, but since I'm not a child, I can stay home alone, obviously.
"Yeah no problem, I'll be fine" I replied.
"Okay, just call me if you need anything on the house landline" he added, he waited for my "okay" before I heard his footsteps disappear.
After my phone booted up, messages came in about to blow up the phone so I left it on the dresser while I entered the bathroom to have a bath, after I was done bathing, I wrapped a towel around my body and took off the shower cap I had on, I got my hair straightened for the wedding but it was still curly hair and water would just frizz it further and it would frustrate me early in the morning.
I opened one of the suitcase praying to God that it would have something I could wear in it, it was filled with atampa's so I close that one, the next one was that of laces, I groaned in annoyance and closed that as well. Before opening the next one I said a silent prayer that it was abayas or gowns or something.
Guess what? Lingerie that's what, lingerie that I would never wear in a million years, I can't believe they bought that for me, the mortification of my mother in law or someone from Ali's family or worse, huh! He himself bought these skimpy lacy and totally inappropriate clothing for me was just too much, I closed it back after picking out decent undergarments and opened another one. Glory to Allah these ones were English clothes that I could rummage through and come up with something decent to walk around the house with.
I picked out a nude colored english skirt that clinched at the waist and was flowing to the ground and a white t-shirt to go with it, after getting dressed and putting my hair in a pony tail that reached a little to my upper back, don't get it wrong its the stretching that gave the length to my hair, in its curly glory, it was a shoulder Bob.
I went down stairs taking in every detail of the house as I went, my house, wow never thought that could be a statement.
The kitchen was glorious, gloriously beautiful , there were dark wood cabinets, sleek modern lights, marble tops, an island and island chairs, it was beautiful.
I opened the fridge which had a few things, eggs,cheese slices, drinks, milk, almond milk, yogurt, a jar of mayo, a bottle of ketchup, mustard and a lot of wedding cake, like a lot and a lot of other things. I found some sausages in the freezer though which I decided to fry along with an omelette.
There was a toaster in the cabinet and I brought it out to make some toast. I had the sausages frying in the pan and the coffee machine was brewing, I opened the fridge and brought out the jar of mayo for my toast which I almost dropped to the ground upon turning and finding Ali leaning by the door with a smirk on his face, he had on black sweatpants and a t shirt with a matching hoodie, he looked good I just never pegged him for the guy who'd go out in casual attire, plus he scared the wits out of me.
"You know, I could have had a heart attack" I quipped.
He laughed and came further into the kitchen dropping his keys on the island, "I was staring at your hair" he replied as if it wasn't creepy as hell, but also sort of cute.
"Wow that's not creepy at all" I muttered turning back to my pan, I suspect he heard me though because a low laugh erupted from him.
"You have beautiful hair" he complimented, he should see my hair when I usually just neglect it, he probably wouldn't feel the same way.
"Thanks"
"I see you're making breakfast" he motioned towards the pan of sausages.
"Yeah I was hungry" I replied nonchalantly "do you want some?"
"I do"
he said before circling the island to where I was standing, my breath hitched in my throat and I swallowed painfully, he had a look in his eyes as he stood there, too close to me for what seemed like eternity before he broke into a smile, probably noticing my flushed look.
"I need to get something from the fridge"
That's when I realized I was standing in his way, facepalm, how stupid of me.
I moved away and back to my sausages and toast while he got to making some kind of smoothie while occasionally sipping on an energy drink.
I finished the toast and began plating two plates of sausages, toast, and an omelette. I put on the other side of the island and he gave me a smile.
"Thank you" he said.
"Do you want coffee?" I asked as I poured myself a mug.
"No thanks, I already had a cup" he replied and sat down "I'd offer you my smoothie, but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like it"
I laughed as I picked a fork and speared my sausage.
"Why wouldn't I? " I asked.
"Well its a blend of apple, kale, spinach, cucumber and bannana"
Barf!! I scrunched up my face, "why?"
Ali just laughed and took a sip of his green drink, "its healthy and loaded with anti oxidants"
"Its still green and chunky" I replied and I don't do chunky.
I just realized something, first of all we were having a regular breakfast conversation like a couple that's been married ten years not one day, maybe it was just because conversation was always easy with him or the fact that he had a lively energy that just resonated with me.
After we finished, he helped me do the dirty dishes and we both retreated back to our rooms, I began to open up my suitcases inside the walk in closet, I hung up the abayas and dresses I arranged the traditionals and in a separate place, I arranged my work clothes, pants, shirts and all I assume Ali was doing the same because he didn't disturb me at all.
By midday I was done and I also needed to shower because I felt tired.
I kept glancing at my phone to see if there was a message from mama or Layla but there wasn't so that bummed me out.
The next day we went to both our parents houses, Ali's parents house first. I took some store bought cookies out of the pantry and made a beautiful arrangement on a platter which I covered with a patterned wrapping plastic and secured that with a ribbon bow. That was for the twins.
His mother was super nice to me and the twins nearly pinned me down with their hug but I felt good about it all, they were my family now. Ahmad of course kept at it with the jokes and Ali looked about to rip his brother into shreds but thankfully he didn't by the time we left.
Then we went to my father's house, my grandmother was still around, she seemed happy to see us, they all did which was refreshing.
I had just received a text from a foreign number, it was mama telling me that they had landed safely and that she forgot to call but she would once that had fully settled in and rested.
"Hey sis, Baba wants to talk to you. " Zahraddeen said and I nodded at him, I got up from the bed of the room I'd been in during my wedding festivities and grabbed my veil, heading down the hall to where I knew his office was.
"That's fine" I heard my father's voice saying.
I said salam and entered to find Ali just about to leave,
"I'll be in the living room when you're done" he said and I nodded before he disappeared down the hallway.
"come in, come in" he motioned for me to sit on one of the chairs in front of the desk, and I did.
"Guba got his money back, so hopefully we won't be hearing from him again" he said.
"Hopefully? " I asked not knowing what that meant.
"These people are crazy who knows, I'm just saying he won't bother anyone anymore, you have my word. "
I nodded, "Thank you"
"And I hired a PI, I've given him all the information I know regarding your sisters case that I have, but I do need you to mail me the rape kit that was done at the hospital that night "
"I will as soon as possible, this is really --"
He was looking at me expecting me to complete my sentence but I didn't know what to say, he was following through with his promise and even though it cost me a lot, I still am grateful that he's doing something, a lot really.
"Everything will be okay, trust me" he smiled and I returned his smile.
After spending a bit of time chatting between hajiya siyam and I, we got to leaving as it was getting to maghrib.
As I was about to slip into the passengers seat, my stepmother pulled me to the side and slipped a paper into my hands.
"Your mother gave this to me, she said to tell you it will explain everything" she whispered with a smile.
I looked at the folded paper with a puzzled expression.
"I haven't known her long but she is a woman of few words, so maybe writing whatever she wanted to say was easier, just read it" she added and patted my wrist.
"we should get something to eat, what would you like? " Ali asked when we started driving into town.
"oh what would you like to get?" I asked him.
"Maybe Rice or just Masa" he answered and I smiled.
"All right well get whatever, I can't decide" he chuckled lightly.
I wanted to be the typical wife and offer to cook but I wasn't in the mood so I just let him get us take out.
We stopped at a place called grills and take out and Ali got out of the car and came back loading the back seats with several white plastic bags, the smell of food immediately wafted through the air, filling the car completely, it was like food heaven up until we got home.
After praying, I started putting out the food and cutlery. I was that hungry and I didn't even care if Mr prim was judging me.
Which he wasn't he's way to sweet for that.
"Did you buy everything on the menu? " I asked before I could stop myself.
"You said to buy whatever" he replied getting up from where he was seated in the living room going through his phone and joining me on the dinning table.
I got plates from the cabinets and served him as he directed me on what to leave out, he bought fruit juices instead of soft drinks so I passed him a bottled mocktail, I served myself and sat opposite him.
We began eating the clatter of cutlery on ceramic being the only sound in the room.
"Tell me about you" he said his voice full of longing, the genuine curious look on his face making it seem as if he really did want to know.
"I'd rather not" I replied bluntly,
His face fell and he nodded.
He was hurt to say the least by my reply. It couldn't have felt good that he took the first step to making us break that wall between us but I had just built it even higher with my stupid reply.
I didn't even know why I replied him that, but It just felt like a harsh reality check that I would have to at least try to make this farce of a marriage work.
Ali didn't say anything as we finished dinner, he didn't say anything as well after it, he just strode to his room and locked the door.
I sighed heavily as I did the dishes and went back to my own room, I sat on my bed in my ridiculously bright pink silk pajamas and pulled out the letter from my mother.
I proped my head up with a soft throw pillow and began reading.
My dearest Amani
I'm hoping that I will be able to explain everything to you in this letter because I wouldn't have been able to tell you.
I got married to your father when I was very young, I was nineteen and it was an arranged marriage,his mother and my grandmother were best friends and they thought it was a great idea. Our families loved the idea as well.
I knew from the moment I met him that it was a terrible idea, we were nothing alike and I had an uneasy feeling but I still agreed and we got married anyway.
It was a nightmare, I was miserable everyday and he was miserable as well but there was nothing any of us could do, divorce didn't seem like an option at the time. But your father was a business man and he wanted to prove so much to his father, so his work and his business came before everything and that was easy because he didn't love me, so I busied myself with other things and our marriage turned into a toxic relationship that left both of us feeling suffocated and trapped.
There was a point when things seemed like they would get better, when he would come back from months long of business trips and shower me with gifts maybe due to guilt or as per his mothers instructions. I saw a light at the end of a dark tunnel at the time.
Almost a year later I gave birth, to a beautiful baby boy, I had a baby boy before you, I understand this is shocking because not even my late husband knew about this, the birth of Salim brought me and your father closer together, it was like everything was finally falling into place, I had a ray of hope, we would be happy and a real family. He cut down his travels and spent time at home with us, we traveled together and created memories, he remembered birthdays and anniversaries, I was finally happy and so was he. But that happiness was short lived as the most devastating event of my life drew closer while we were all smiles as a family.
Salim started school one day, he turned three and he was enrolled in the best, most expensive school there was, it was a happy occasion that day as he waved me and his father goodbye when we watched him enter his classroom.
I went back home and your father went to take care of business, but that evening when I sat waiting for him to come home with our son I received a phone call and my heart dropped, Salim had been kidnapped from school, nobody knew how but he wasn't there.
It was all crumbling slowly in front of my eyes, the hope the light I saw was all gone.
They asked for a ransom, instead of money though, they wanted a flash drive that your father had, as I sat there looking at his face expecting to see the sudden jump and urge to give them whatever they wanted so that his son's life would be saved, I saw confliction on your father's face, he was torn on whether to hold on to the flash drive and have his son die or to give it to them and get it back.
The family was in complete shock by Salim's sudden disappearance, they pulled all the stops, calling up all their connections to get help, everyone was on board the police, government officials, high top security companies, he did everything but give them what they want and we paid the price for that because they killed him, they killed my son for a flash drive containing God knows what that his father didn't give up.
I went into shock after that and I couldn't process what had happened, just like that I didn't have a child anymore. I kept seeing his innocent face waving goodbye to me in his new school uniform.
I went back to my parents house and never looked back, I blamed him for the death of our son. After about a month of constant crying and nothing else, Alh Suleiman, my father's friends son asked my father for my hand in marriage, I didn't care because I was exhausted from everything, they thought the marriage would do me good so my parents agreed and just like that I was back in a marital home again. I found out I was pregnant with you after the marriage, and I knew that my new husband would never agree to raise a child that wasn't his, so immediately he came back from his trip I told him everything, but I was wrong because he hugged me and assured me that everything was going to be okay.
The way he held you when you were born and the way he raised you without ever reminding me that you weren't his , I knew you already had a father. And I wouldn't endanger you or us by having anything to do with your father again, because I nailed shut the door to the memories of him or that family again.
I understand that was unfair to you and to him, but I felt that your safety was in jeopardy and I would do the same thing in a do over.
Maybe Allah is showing me my mistakes by all of what happened with Layla, I protected you but she ended up in this situation and now I find myself at the same desperation I was years ago, that's why I agreed to the marriage with you and Ali. How you must be hurting I can't even imagine but I hope that you understand a bit better now. One day when you have kids I know that you'll understand that they come first before anything in this world.
I love you.
Mama.
I was hysterical as I folded the paper and lay back down on my pillow, I understood everything now. My tears were coming in full force, I cried for my brother who didn't deserve to die, I cried for the position my mother had to find herself in, I cried for Layla, I cried because I had become a victim of circumstances that I had no clue about. I cried because I missed my father, the one who told me that I would be a great person one day, I cried because i missed Mama and Layla, I criedand I cried until it felt like there were no more tears.
"Hey Amani do yo-" The door to my room was wide open and Ali appeared in the doorway before i could stop him, he stopped mid sentence as he took in my appearance,
Our eyes locked and I felt the tears all over again, I put my head down in an attempt to hide them but in a flash, he was there seated next to me rubbing my back soothingly, he didn't say anything as if knowing that I wouldn't want him to.
"I feel so alone" I found myself whispering my feelings out.
A moment later I felt warmth envelop me in the form of two strong arms. He hugged me tight and rubbed my neck slightly, his hug was comforting and loving and that's all I needed and I was thankful that he understood that, because he held me for what seemed an eternity.
❤❤❤
Let's have a discussion about this shocking revelation in the comment section 😁😁
I love you for reading 💖💖