(A/N trigger warning : self-harm)
It wasn't too long after that, I was sat a table made up of a group of men in their thirties. I was still struggling to get back into it, but I was trying to act like things were fine. This table was very hard for me to deal with the whole time they were sat there. They took every chance they had to hit on me and it was disgusting. I tried my hardest to laugh, roll my eyes, and take everything as a compliment, but it was taking so much out of me.
After I introduced myself, they had already taken it upon themselves to ask me if I had a boyfriend that treated me right, and when I answered without thinking that I didn't have one, their eyes lit up like I had just given them the go ahead to play a game or something. All while I was trying to get their drink order I could feel their eyes running up and down my body and they kept making gross "if I was your man" comments.
The group had been sat for a while and hadn't ordered their food yet, and every time I peeked over to check on them, they were talking or laughing away. While I wasn't there trying to get their order, they seemed to be having a lot of fun together, genuinely having a good time. However, every time I returned to check on them, they had some nasty comment or attempt at a pickup line, that was just degrading.
When they were finally ready to order, they decided it would be fun to make me very uncomfortable by making comments about my looks and describing how nice everything was. As I finished the last order and turned to walk away, I felt a hand on my ass and one of the men say, "nice ass. How much to get it for a night?"
After that, I couldn't take it anymore. I ignored them and walked away briskly, trying to keep the tears in until I at least made it to the kitchen. I could already feel my breathing quicken and knew I had to move fast. When I made it to the safety of the kitchen, my tears began to fall rapidly, and my fingers had already locked up and gone numb. One of the cooks noticed my frantic state and yelled for Colleen, one of my managers.
I managed to make it out the back door before anything else embarrassing happened inside. I struggled to breathe and focus on any specific thing for a few minutes and barely heard the back door open.
After a minute or so Colleen was in front of me. This had only happened a few times over the past couple years that I'd worked there, and Colleen had been the person to help me every time. She gave me a minute to recognize that it was her and that she was there to help me before she began talking to me.
I was a mess, tears were continuously streaming down my face and I knew my mascara was running. I couldn't get my breathing under control and I was freaking out because I couldn't do anything with my hands. Oh my god. I'm going to die.
The next thing I heard was Colleen's voice, she sounded so calm. How can she be calm right now?! I'm dying over here and she's all calm! "Wren, look at me. It's okay. You're going to be okay. No. Look at me."
My eyes kept shifting around, everything was a threat and I couldn't stop it, through many short breaths I managed to get out, "I... ... can't."
"Yes. You can. Give me the name of a song." I didn't answer, I wasn't able to think. "C'mon Wren. You can do it. First song you think of."
"Fall... Away." I stuttered out. I was now looking at my hands, desperately trying to get my fingers to move, but I couldn't do it, and my tears started falling more, if it was possible, at my frustration.
Colleen must have noticed what I was doing because she slowly reached out and grabbed my hands in hers, "it's okay. Look at me." I glanced up at her but couldn't focus on her long enough and my eyes drifted back down to our hands. "Give me the artists name."
I glanced back up at her for a moment. I struggled to think of the name of the band for a minute and started to panic again, "take your time. It's okay."
I thought about it again for a minute and remembered this time. I could tell my breathing was very slowly getting back to normal because it was getting easier to communicate, but we weren't completely there yet, "twenty... one pilots."
"Good," she said and smiled at me. "How about a color. Give me a color you can see right now. Any color." She's so calm.
I looked around for a minute, then focused on her button-down blouse, "pink."
She looked down where I was looking, though I'm sure she knew her shirt was pink and smiled again, "good. One more, okay?" I nodded in response, "what's one thing you can hear right now?"
I sat with my eyes closed and tried to focus on listening to different things around me, but only one sound stood out, "yelling. From the... kitchen."
"Nice job, Wren." Colleen said to me, then she continued, "I guess I'll have to tell them to keep it down. Alright, look at me." She told me one more time. When I did as I was told her smile grew bigger. "We're gonna breathe together for a minute, alright?" Nodding, I let her continue, "Pick a number."
"Six."
"You know what to do, right? Breathe in through your nose and out of your mouth. We're going to do it six times, ready?" And we began breathing, and she counted to six. Before I knew it, everything was as normal as it could be. "Now, tell me. Did something happen?"
There was no point in lying, if nothing happened, I would have to go back and suffer without anyone knowing. I didn't want to lie to Colleen either, not after all she had done for me. It didn't seem fair to her, so I nodded, before taking a few breaths and explaining what happened with my most recent table to her. Her body was tense by the time I finished telling her what happened, "I'm sorry." I apologized, believing I had done something wrong. Well, I did. I abandoned my job.
"No, honey. Don't you worry about it. Absolutely not. Don is covering for you right now. I want you to come inside take a few minutes, have a drink of water, and then I will check in with you to see if you feel up to finishing your shift, okay?" Once again, I only nodded.
After sitting for a few moments, pulling myself together, and making sure I could walk without getting lightheaded, I decided I could go back and finish my shift. I only had a couple hours left.
When Colleen returned, I told her I wanted to finish the night off, so she explained to me that they had told my tables that there was an emergency I quickly needed to take care of but didn't specify what it was. She gave me another minute before I could return. She also warned me the group of men were still at their table, but that they shouldn't be a bother to me anymore and if they were to let her know.
I quickly got back to work. Those men were polite the rest of the time they were there and didn't speak to me unless they had to. I went back to acting normal, smiles and all.
The rest of the night went by quickly and before I knew it, I was able to go home. By the time I got there, my mind had once again gone against me.
I rushed upstairs and before I knew it the tears were flowing again. I hate this. I hate it so much. I can't do anything right. I always fuck things up. Always. Why can't things just go back to normal, how they used to be?! I hate being such a screw up. What's the point if that's all I do? No one would even miss me. I have no one. No one would care if I just disappeared.
My thoughts spiraled, and I couldn't get control over them, no matter what I tried. I can't stand this. I can't do this anymore. Those were my last thoughts before I passed out from exhaustion.
~~~
"So... It's an animal. And another name for it is an ass." Eli told me as his hint.
"Donkey?" I guessed. Eli nodded his head and I flicked the phone down. We were playing Heads Up, but to make it more interesting, Eli had the wonderful idea of involving Oreos. This time he had to eat the stuffing because I had gotten the answer right.
"This one is a song by a man who used to be in a boy band and the song has to do with enough tears flowing that it fills up a long stream of water."
"Ooh...Shit! Justin Timberlake 'Cry Me a River!'" He nodded his head again and grabbed another Oreo only eating the filling as I flicked the phone down.
"Alright. It's another animal that can live in water or on land. It has a shell as it's home..." he hinted.
Oh, this one's easy! "Turtle!" I yelled.
So loud!
Whoops. I made a mental note to not be so loud for the next one while flicking the phone down once again and waiting for Eli to finish eating the cream Oreo filling.
"This one's a profession which someone works with kids and shows them how to do a whole bunch of new things."
"A teacher?" I guessed, turns out I was right as Eli ate the filling once again.
"Okay. Um. Fuck. It's a fruit. They're small and orange but it's not an orange."
"Okay... Uh... Tangerine?" He shook his head. "Clementine?" He shook his head again. I got stuck and thought for a few seconds, when my time ran out. "What was it?" I asked as I grabbed an Oreo and only ate the cream.
"It was a kumquat." He said. Dumbass.
"How the hell was I supposed to know that?! I've never even heard of a stupid kumquat before!"
Eli got this very offended look on his face before he said, "it is a very important fruit and you should try not to make fun of it."
I apologize and laugh while saying, "I'm sorry! Are you king of the kumquats?"
"Hey, you never know. I very well might be..." He said starting to laugh at the end. I ended up joining in on it. He's got a contagious laugh, and a smile that could light up just about anyone's day. He lit up my day. I always realized that after being around Eli, even for the smallest amount of time, my mood was a bit better. For some reason he made me happier than I usually was. He was the exact opposite of me.
We laughed for a couple minutes, then Eli said, "we should probably get back to our homework now. That break, while fun, was long enough." I nodded agreeing with him.
It was a few weeks after we started our project. It took me a while to get used to him being around. Even when I tried to push him away, he had stuck around and did not give up on me.
We got along very well, and we had several similar interests. The two of us hung out a lot. A lot more than I did with most of my friends. Somehow, he knew how to make me laugh and cheer me up a bit when I was with him. My stomach was always filled with butterflies and my heart went crazy sometimes. It was easy to forget things when I was around him.
That being said, I still didn't trust him at all. It was difficult for me. For all I knew, he could turn on me or disappear in a flash. Being around him was nice and made me happy for the time being; however, I was not going to be stupid and let my guard down.
Eli had told me that he was usually "pretty shit" at science, his words, and asked if we could basically be study buddies along with working on our project together. To which I had agreed. We had to read the next chapter in the textbook and familiarize ourselves with the vocabulary before the next class. We were a little more than half way through when we got bored and he came up with a game to play as a brain break before going back to work.
After finishing our work, I made my way back home. When I got there, I worked on the rest of my homework that was assigned earlier. It took me about a couple hours to get it done.
I put all my work back into my backpack, then cleaned up my mess in the kitchen from when I cooked myself food while doing homework. When I finished in the kitchen I went on to clean up around the rest of my living spaces, including my room, and did some laundry.
By the time I finished, it was around ten p.m. and I was exhausted. So, I bundled myself up in my bed, read for a little bit, then fell asleep.
Next thing I knew, my phone was blaring it's Falling in Reverse alarm tone. I groaned and turned it off before it woke me up completely. I don't want to get out of bed. I quickly fell back asleep, but only for about half an hour before my alarm clock across the room went off. It took all I had in me to hold tears in at that moment. I couldn't even find the motivation to get myself out of bed, just to turn the alarm clock off the proper way. Lazy ass.
I threw one of the pillows I wasn't using towards the direction I thought the clock was, hoping that I would hit it just the right way. There was a loud bang, and for a moment I was worried, until I realized the alarm wasn't going off anymore. I assumed that my throw was accurate and knocked the clock off the desk and unplugged it from the wall.
I tried going back to sleep again, but my mind was already awake... and creating torture for my entire being with thoughts from dark places. Attempting to at least put this on pause, I picked up my phone and scrolled through my different social media apps. It didn't work, instead I was still stuck in my head.
I'm going to be late. I'm so lazy.
Get out of bed.
Why would he go away? I'm not good enough. Would he fix all my fuck ups and help me say the right things? I can't do anything right. Would he come back for me? I'm an embarrassment.
Pathetic.
Why hadn't he come back? I don't deserve him. But I love him.
I don't want to get out of bed.
I need him. I can't do anything right without him!
Get the fuck out of bed!
Nothing is right. I'm not right. I need him. I'm no one without him. I can't do this anymore. Where did he go? I am nothing without him. Insignificant and unimportant.
I got out of bed, stripped, and went straight to the shower. No. No. No. No. No. This is wrong. I am fine. I don't need him.
Yes, I do. If he was here this wouldn't be happening.
Next thing I knew, there were tears streaming down my face along with the water from the shower head and my breathing was out of control. There was nothing and everything going on in my head at the same time. My hands locked up and I couldn't move my fingers at all. I felt like oxygen was betraying me because there didn't seem to be enough of it. I tried breathing in through my nose and out my mouth, but I couldn't focus long enough to steady my breathing pace. So, I sat there, tears and water rapidly falling down my body, hoping it would end soon.
I kept trying to move my fingers and after what seemed like an eternity, they un-tensed and I was able to move them freely. My breathing started to slow, and I reached for a blade and dragged it across the skin of my wrist until I had gained control of my breathing again.
I got out of the shower and put on sweatpants and a tank top, before heading back into bed. Tears were still falling from my eyes. I looked at the clock and saw that it was ten in the morning.
Every once and a while that would happen. I'd get so caught up with thoughts about him that I couldn't escape from, and I'd lose control over everything. It was hard to deal with and took a major toll on me.
I picked up my phone and called Max, hoping he wasn't busy or in class, and that he would pick up.
When he answered, his voice was groggy and rough, like I had woken him up. "Hello?" He said.
"Max?" I questioned as I sniffled, my voice weak and wobbly, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep."
When he responded, it seemed like he was fully awake, "don't you dare hang up the phone Wren!"
"I'm sorry." I said with tears falling from my eyes. "It happened again."
"Shit, Wren. What's going on in that head of yours today?" He asked me.
"What did I do wrong? What did I do so wrong that made him leave without saying anything? W-w-why can't I do things right? Or do normal things th-that other people do? I-I-I need him, Maxie. He helped m-me to not mess up and fixed e-e-everything when I did mess up. Without him, I don't know what I'm doing. I can't do anything right. I'm jus-just... nothing without him." I vented.
"Listen to me, Wren... I may not know exactly what that fucker did to you, but I have some ideas. And you are better off without him here." He's wrong. "You are getting back to being Wren again. Making decisions and-and telling jokes and laughing. He does not control you, not anymore. You are worth something and are important to so many people." No, I'm not.
My own mother doesn't even care about me.
He continued speaking when I didn't say anything. "It's okay that sometimes we mess up. That's okay. We fix it or move on or both. That's how we grow as people. I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm so sorry I can't be there right now to help you. But I'm coming home this weekend and I'll be able to see you then, I promise. Okay?"
"Alright." I said as I sniffled once again.
"Wren?"
"Yeah?"
"Promise me you'll call me if you need to. If you need someone to talk to. Or if this happens again. I don't care what time it is. Promise me." He practically begged.
"I promise."
"Thank you. Any better?" He asked.
No. "Yeah. A little." He talked to me for a little while longer, I only responded when it was necessary. I could tell he was just trying to get my mind away from the dark places it went whenever this happened, but it didn't work.
After we hung up, I spent the rest of the day with my mind at war with itself, wanting to get up and do something, anything, but not being able to pull myself out of bed or the thoughts in my head.
As the day came to a close, I wanted to give up. I didn't want to live like this anymore. My mind was being torn apart by thoughts that I couldn't seem to control. I am worthless. I am nothing. No one would notice if I just disappeared. No one wants someone this messed up in their life. My friends don't even want me in their life. I'm just weird to them. My own mother doesn't want me in her life. When my eyes finally closed, it wasn't by choice. I didn't want to close my eyes in fear of what my anxiety would dream up. A different part of me just wanted to sleep forever, never waking up.
💜❤️
Hello readers!
I'm excited to bring you this new chapter, that is 3,506 words!!! YAY!!
I'd like to just mention that when you see the words that are bold and italicized, they are her thoughts. That's how she thinks, granted most of the time it's her anxiety and depression, but those thoughts are still hers.
Alright! That's all from me for now...
TM